“Right. Cows. Check.” I wrinkle my nose at him. “We have so much excess pastureland. We should try to find a whole herd.”
Ben takes my sarcasm in stride. “Then we have to find some chickens. That needs to be a priority when we get back.” He plops back into his chair and digs into the stew. He offers me a spoonful, which I gladly take.
“Speaking of returning to Creekside, when do you guys plan to leave?” Alvarez asks.
I’m careful not to look at Ben. His limp is still pronounced, though he never complains.
It’s not just Ben’s leg. Ash doesn’t complain, either, but I can tell how much it hurts to lift her arm after being shot. My own arm aches and itches like crazy.
“In a few days,” I say. “We’ll stick around to help you guys refortify the fort.” I push up the arm of my shirt. “It’ll give time for this wound to heal.”
“That’s a baby wound,” Ben says. “Show them your scar from the other gunshot wound.”
Alvarez spits out his wine as I roll my sleeve all the way up. “Fuck,” he says. “Is that where Frederico shot you?”
“Yep.”
“Some asshole gave you some serious Frankenstein stitches.” He winks at me. “Sucks to be you, Kate. It’s amazing you managed to get yourself a boyfriend with that thing.”
I roll my eyes.
Jessica purses her lips as she studies my arm. “Are you the one who stitched her up?”
Alvarez pours himself more wine. “Maybe.”
“You did that?” Bella gapes at my arm. “Were your eyes closed?”
“They were definitely not closed,” I say.
“Where did you learn how to sew?” Jessica asks.
“He learned by watching his grandma sew patches onto his jeans,” I offer, taking another drink.
“No wonder it looks like shit,” Bella says.
Alvarez waves a hand in protest. “Don’t hate a man for being shitty at women’s work. At least she didn’t bleed to death.”
Jessica raises an eyebrow at Alvarez. He ignores her and takes a long gulp from his cup.
I chuckle, settling back into my chair. “You’re definitely much better at leading Fort Ross than you are at stitching people up.”
“You can stay here with us,” Jessica says abruptly. Even in a fuzzy sweater, she sits with an edgy alertness I don’t think will ever go away. She looks like she could go from docile to wrathful tennis player in less than three seconds. She’s even taken to carrying the dented tennis racket on her belt, much the way I carry my zom bat.
“You’ll always have a home here at Fort Ross,” Alvarez agrees.
I shake my head. “Our home is in Arcata.”
“Besides,” Ben says, “who’s going to come rescue your asses the next time you get in trouble? We can’t do that if we stay here.”
“I think the old guy just made a joke.” Reed stabs a finger in Ben’s direction. He’s been a bit more talkative since the burial this morning, though I have a sad feeling it will be a while before the old Reed fully returns to us. If he ever does.
“Don’t worry,” Ben replies around a mouthful of stew. “That will be my last one for at least six months.”
“Thank God.” I raise my brow at him. “I didn’t sign up for a funny boyfriend. Stoic and reliable. That’s what I signed up for.”
“Don’t forget badass motherfucker,” Ben replies.
I burst out laughing.
“That wasn’t six months,” Reed points out. “That was, like, barely six seconds. Someone is frisky tonight.”
It might be the firelight, but I swear I see a flush creep up Ben’s neck. It’s hard to tell with all his attention on his stew. He stops chewing only long enough to take another swig of wine from my cup.
“Have you thought about how you’re going to get back?” Bella asks. “I mean, are you really going to run all the way home? I played soccer before the apocalypse. I’m good at running.”
Alvarez tugs on the long braid that hangs down her back. “Are you auditioning for Creekside or something?”
Bella huffs and bats his hand away. “I’m just saying I was a good runner before the world ended.”
“We’ll take a few of the bikes and ride back to Braggs,” I say. There’s a pile of them left behind by Rosario.
“We should take Wild Thing.” Reed gestures toward the semi, which has been parked in front of the hole in the south wall of the fort.
I shake my head. “Wild Thing is where he needs to be. Bikes will serve our purpose. Once we get through Braggs, we’ll make our way back to Westport to get our friend. I’m hoping we can negotiate with Medieval John for a boat ride back to Arcata.”
“That asshole will want all our guns,” Ben says. “You can’t give him our guns.”
“I’m not going to give him our guns.”
“So what are you going to offer?”
“I’m working on a few ideas. I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”
Ben snorts and takes another sip of his wine.
“You think you can trust that guy?” Alvarez frowns at me.
“You were the one who once told me we need friends more than we need enemies.”
“That sounds like something Alvarez would say.” Jessica’s eyes soften as she looks at him.
“Ideal to a fault?” he asks her.
She shakes her head. “No such thing.”
We remain before the fire, talking and laughing. At one point, I even notice Reed and Bella move to the far side of the fire. They appear to be having a cozy chat. That’s nice.
I’m having such a good time that I lose track of hours. It isn’t until I start yawning that I realize it must be near midnight.
“You done here?” As usual, Ben reads me like a book.
“Yeah, I’m ready to turn in.”
“Let’s go. I’ll show you where we’re sleeping. The Creekside Crew has graduated from that tent we had last night.”
I won’t say no to a real building to sleep in. I froze my ass off last night, even though I’d been sandwiched between Ben and Reed in the tent.
We say goodnight and rise from the fire. I cross my arms across my chest for warmth. When Ben puts his arm around me, I lean into his solid strength.
As we near one of the old wooden buildings in the fort, Caleb comes out the front door. A grin splits his face when he sees us.
“Hey, old man,” he calls. “Got something for you. Found it in the supplies.” He tosses a small Ziplock through the air.
Ben catches it with one hand. I assume it’s a bag of pot or something else drug related. When I lean forward to peer into Ben’s hand, I see three square plastic wrappers. I do a double take when I realize what they are. Color creeps up Ben’s neck, obvious even in the dark.
“Good thing you’re finally making your move.” Caleb saunters by us, a smug grin on his face. “I was gonna make a move on Mama Bear if you didn’t get off your ass. I like older women.” He winks at me.
Ben finally finds his voice. “Fuck off, you little shit.”
“Uh-huh.” Caleb never breaks stride. “I’m pretty sure I’m not the one you want to be fucking.” Chortling, he saunters away.
I stare at the condoms in Ben’s hand, pieces clicking together in my head. Caleb’s words. Ben’s odd behavior earlier tonight. Reed’s use of the word frisky. My mouth goes dry. Equal parts nervousness and excitement course through me.
Ben, scowling at Caleb’s retreating form, shoves the baggie into his pocket.
“Little shit,” he growls.
My voice completely fails me.
We enter the old building, closing the thick door against the coastal chill. The solar panels on the roof power lights in the inner hall and second-floor landing.
“The room is upstairs.”
I look sideways at him, wondering what he means by the room. When he first offered to take me to the sleeping area, I’d assumed we’d be sharing a space with everyone else from Creekside like we had la
st night. Now I’m not so sure. Anticipation prickles across my back and neck.
I follow him up to the second-floor landing. He pushes open a thick wooden door and lights a candle inside the room.
A single air mattress sits in the far corner.
On the floor at the foot of the mattress are two running packs: mine, and Ben’s. There are no other belongings in the room.
Air whooshes out of my lungs. I’m suddenly back on the bridge in Braggs. I see Ben almost die all over again. I taste my own helplessness. The old terror boils up, making my chest tight.
I turn to him and meet his eyes, but can’t bring myself to close the space I’ve abruptly put between us. All my fears sit between us like a wrecking ball.
He opens his mouth, closes it, then opens it again.
“I’m going to try and say the right thing.” His voice is husky. “I asked Alvarez if we could have a room. I—” He swallows, then tries again. “We can just sleep, Kate. Just tell me what you want.”
I want him. More than anything, I want him.
Remembered pain freezes my feet and eats up my words. The pressure in my chest mounts, making me feel like I might burst open. I don’t know how to put my feelings into words.
“I ...” Sucking in a deep breath, I try again. “I’ve only ever been with one man.”
“Your husband.” He nods, his expression folding in on itself. “You miss him.”
“No. I mean, of course. I’ll always love Kyle. But I said my goodbye to him on my trip to Arcata.” I squeeze my eyes shut as a wave of emotion breaks over me. I feel the pain of unbearable loss all over again. It was a pain so unspeakable it had me holed up in a dark room for days until Carter and Frederico dragged me into the sun. The idea of going to that dark place again terrifies me.
“I wasn’t the same person before the apocalypse. I wasn’t strong. Losing Kyle almost broke me.” I open my eyes, searching Ben’s bruised face and willing him to understand. “I don’t think I can survive another breaking, Ben. I don’t want to be that broken person ever again.” Tears sting the back of my eyes.
Compassion softens his features. The awkwardness between us dissipates. He pulls me against his chest, holding me tight. His arms feel so good, so safe. His heart, strong and steady, beats against my cheek.
“Nothing breaks our Mama Bear,” he murmurs. “You’re the strongest person I know, Kate.”
A bitter laugh passes my lips. “You didn’t see me. You don’t know how far I descended into darkness.” I don’t like to think of those days.
“But you found your way out. That makes you stronger than all of us who’ve never fallen into the dark hole. You’re a mama bear, Kate. Those kids didn’t give you that name to make you feel good.”
“But even mama bears can die.” I think of the bear we killed back on the Lost Coast.
“Yes. Mama bears can die. But that’s not the same thing as breaking.”
He’s right. The tension in my chest loosens, like icebergs cracking apart under the summer sun. His words release the fear I’ve carried around ever since the day he nearly died on that bridge in Braggs.
I wrap my arms around his neck, squeezing him tight. “How do you always know how to say the right thing when I feel shitty?”
“It’s a gift, I guess.”
“If you applied those superpowers to the rest of the day, you’d be a lot more popular.”
Ben leans back and looks into my face. “There’s only one person I want to be popular with. It’s the only reason I try so hard. I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks.”
Despite everything, a soft laugh escapes me. Blunt to a fault.
I lean into him, softly kissing his lips. He returns the kiss, cradling me in his arms. It makes me feel precious.
The kiss deepens. Our bodies meld as he presses me up against the wall. Fire fills me from head to toe, thundering beneath my skin. I’m so desperate for Ben I can hardly breathe.
He breaks the kiss, pressing his forehead to mine. “I want you, Kate,” he rumbles. “I want you right fucking now. Can I have you?”
In answer, I kick shut the door to our room, sealing us away from the world.
43
Goodbye, Hello
KATE
Five days later, we leave Fort Ross before dawn.
Our running packs are stocked with water, food, and extra clothes. The bicycles stand in a neat row outside the fort, waiting for us. Alvarez and Jessica are there to see us off.
The only one not here is Bella. She’s never far from Alvarez and Jessica, but maybe she decided to sleep in today. That’s what normal people do in the pre-dawn hours.
“Radio us when you get back to Creekside,” Alvarez says. “I need to know you’re safe.”
“Of course she’ll radio you,” Jessica says. “You guys have standing bi-weekly phone dates.”
“Just be safe, okay?” Alvarez squeezes my forearm. “I’m going to worry until I hear from you again.”
“Don’t worry,” Caleb replies. “If shit goes south, Mama Bear will figure out a way to get us out of the trenches.”
“She always does.” Ash leans her cheek against Caleb’s shoulder.
I give Alvarez a long hug. “Be safe. Kill anyone who tries to take over the fort.” I glance at Jessica. “Take care of him, will you?”
She answers by lacing her fingers with Alvarez. Her free hand fingers the handle of her tennis racket. Yeah, Alvarez is in good hands.
“Let’s move out,” Ben says. “We’re burning daylight.”
Ash snorts. “It’s not even dawn.”
Ben ignores her, grabbing one of the bikes.
The rest of us follow suit. I wave to Alvarez one last time before pedaling up the hard-packed dirt road that leads back to the highway. My arm is still sore from the partial bullet wound, but it’s minor compared to the other pains I’ve suffered on this trip.
As soon as we hit the open road, we pick up the pace. It feels weird to be riding rather than running, but since we drew just about every zombie between here and Mendocino, I feel the roads are relatively safe and clear.
“Mama.”
I slow, waiting for Reed to catch up with me. The others pedal ahead of us.
His once-dancing eyes are somber as he pedals up beside me and stops. “I’m not going back to Creekside, Mama.”
I stare at Reed in confusion, sure I misunderstood him. “What?”
“I’m not going back to Creekside.”
“What do you mean you’re not going back to Creekside? That’s your home.”
Reed looks away. “I know. I just ... I just need to be alone for a while. I don’t want to make a big deal about it. Tell the others I’ll see them later.”
“See them later? What the fuck does that mean?”
“I’m going to strike out on my own for a while.”
“Reed.” I can barely comprehend this conversation. “We’re your family. You can’t go.”
“Don’t worry. I found you a replacement.”
“A replacement?” My voice goes up serval octaves. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Movement on the east side of the road. Bella emerges from behind a cluster of bushes, pushing a bike.
“I want to go back to Arcata with you,” she says. “I ... I can’t stay at Fort Ross.”
“Will you take her back to Creekside, Mama?”
“I’ll take you both back to Creekside. Reed, you have to come home.”
The look he gives me is anguished. He throws his arms around me in a brief hug. “I love you, Mama. I’ll see you soon.”
Without another word, he turns his bike around and pedals away from me as fast as he can.
“Reed!” I scream, not caring if I alert every undead between here and Hawaii. “Reed! Come back!” I spin around, glaring at Bella. Emotion crowds my chest. “What the fuck just happened?”
“He blames himself for Eric’s death,” Bella says softly.
“That’s bullsh
it.” I drop the bike and cup my hands over my mouth. “Reed! Reed! Please come back!”
He keeps pedaling, never turning around at my call. I stare after him, feeling like I’ve been drop-kicked.
“Reed,” I whisper.
“What’s going on?” Ben pedals up beside me, closely followed by Caleb and Ash. He takes in the scene, looking from me, to Bella, to Reed’s retreating form.
“Reed isn’t coming home with us.” My voice is strained. “He blames himself for Eric’s death.”
“He told me he and Eric were side by side for the entire fort battle, except at the very end,” Bella says. “That’s when Eric was killed.”
Ben sighs and gives me a sad look. “You have to let him go, Kate.”
“This is bullshit, Ben. We’re his family. He belongs with us.”
“He has to do this, Kate.”
“He wasn’t like this when we lost Jesus. They were even closer than he and Eric were.”
“Doesn’t matter. That was a different situation. He’s processing guilt and grief in his own way. That’s his right.”
“God dammit.” I pound my fist on the bike seat in frustration. “I miss Eric, too! You don’t see me riding off into the sunrise by myself.”
“Didn’t you tell me a story about a death that almost broke you?” Ben says softly.
I feel like I’ve been slapped. I spin around to face him, unsure if I want to scream or cry.
“You have to let him go, Kate.”
My shoulders sag. Ben folds me into a hug. I cling to him, my heart constricting with grief. Reed.
“Reed is smart,” Ash says. “He’ll be okay.”
“And when he gets bored, he’ll come back home,” Caleb adds.
I don’t reply. They’re just trying to make me feel better. For all they know, we may never see Reed again.
I push away from Ben and turn to Bella. I think back to the night of the wake when I saw her and Reed talking together on the other side of the fire. Here I thought they’d been having a cozy chat. I know for certain that’s when they’d hatched the plan that’s unfolding right now.
“Do Alvarez and Jessica know?” I ask her.
Undead Ultra Box Set | Books 1-4 Page 116