I asked him about his tattoos, at least the one that was showing. It happened to be the most special one to him. The candle on his forearm. It was for his dad, David, who lost his life in New York on 9/11.
As we talked and ate, I studied his features. He really was a beautiful man. His incredible blue eyes, his great hair, the stubble that enhanced his chiseled chin and rugged good looks. I caught myself staring at his mouth while he drank, ate, or talked. My cock certainly took notice of that mouth. I couldn’t help but wonder what that mouth would feel like on my dick, which had been at more than half staff since spotting him in the lobby. A couple of times I caught Tanner looking at me with similar interest, but I got the feeling he was a bit nervous after the last time we’d seen each other—and I freaked out. How was I going to let him know that I wouldn’t freak out if he tried again…in fact, I’d welcome the advance?
About eleven, I paid the check, and Tanner walked back into the hotel’s lobby with me.
“So, does your conference include dinner tomorrow? Or are you available?” Tanner asked cautiously. My stomach flipped.
“There’s dinner, but I’m available,” I replied, hoping to convey that I’d rather spend time with him. My response lit up Tanner’s face, and my heart expanded in my chest. That smile, I sighed to myself.
“Excellent,” he said. “I’ll come up with a couple of options for dinner.”
“I’m sure whatever you choose will be amazing,” I nodded.
“Okay,” he chuckled.
We stood there awkwardly for a moment, just looking at one another. Then I got bold.
“Wanna come up?”
When he asked me up to his room, my silent prayers and hopes had been answered. I’d felt him looking at me all night. I heard his interest in his voice. However, a big part of me was afraid to believe it after last time. The time that I kissed him. His first ‘guy kiss’. A kiss he clearly wasn’t expecting. He must have been thinking about it as much as I had been. I dare say, he sounded eager and hopeful that I would accept the invitation up to his room. Not just a ‘polite’ thing to say.
I didn’t know which part of me responded first to the invite. My heart or my cock. My dick had been semi-hard since getting Greg’s text that he wanted to get together around 9:30. Seeing him in the lobby while I was signing autographs brought my dick to near full mast. The sound of his voice while listening to him talk at dinner, and watching his blond waves sway when he moved his head, drove me nuts all night. How his mouth moved when he talked or ate was torture. I tried not to stare. I tried to be covert. I know I failed. Maybe I wanted him to notice that I was still interested.
An invitation to his room was unexpected. I had myself half convinced that Greg was just being polite; maintaining good relations as finance consultant and client. But at eleven o’clock, professional hours are done. And an invitation in a hotel is a horse of a different color.
I would have paid a very large sum of money to know what he’d been doing the past ten days. To be asking me to his room was a big step. He had to have that kiss from his place in mind. Was he hoping I was going to kiss him again? I would let him take the lead this time. I wasn’t about to misstep again. His friendship, at the very least, meant too much. Even if he had no romantic interests in me, we got along very well, and I felt good knowing that I was moving near to him and that a friend was already in place.
I hoped to hell that I wasn’t misjudging things again. It had been years since I was involved with a straight/bi-curious guy. All of my hoping and praying had paid off…or had it?
CHAPTER 12
The anticipation I felt the last time I was in this elevator paled in comparison to how I felt now…with Tanner in the elevator next to me… on our way to my room. Was I ready for this? Was I going to follow through with all of my pent up curiosity?
When Tanner noticed that I selected the twenty-third floor, I explained to him the painfully awkward circumstances of my checking in. We shared a good laugh, and broke some of the tension that was building.
The elevator door opened to the hallway, and Tanner extended a hand in front of me. “Lead the way,” he said. Was his voice strained? Was he as nervous as I was? I swallowed and stepped out, almost feeling Tanner step out behind me. We walked side-by-side to the suite where I was staying, one of four suites on the floor. I fumbled with the keycard and after a couple of tries, finally got the door opened. Inside, I flipped the switch, and extended my hand for Tanner to step inside, “After you.”
I tossed the keycard onto the table off to the side of the door and took a couple of slow breaths as I watched Tanner walk across the living area taking in the scene, as he made it to the window.
“Can I get you a drink?” I offered, spotting the wet bar off to the right.
He looked at me and smiled, shaking his head. “No, thanks. I have practice tomorrow. The two glasses of wine at dinner were enough for me. But feel free to have one yourself,” he said.
Not wanting to look like a lush, I decided against grabbing a gin and tonic for myself. If he had self-control, then so could I. I finally got my feet to cooperate and walked over to where he was.
“You’re right,” Tanner said as I stood to his right. I was looking out the window at the peace of the lake, but from the corner of my eye, I saw that Tanner was looking at me. “It’s a great view from up here.” Holy hell. Was he talking about me? That I’m the ‘great view’? I carefully turned my head to look at him, and my whole body flushed with heat. His gaze was intense, and confident. And sexy.
Go ahead. Kiss me now, I pleaded mentally. If he leaned in now, I would absolutely lean in. I watched his eyes study my face before dropping my eyes to his mouth. His perfectly shaped mouth surrounded by sexy-as-all-get-out scruff.
“What are you thinking?” he whispered.
Oh, help me. The way his mouth moved…how his pink tongue graced his lower lip and teeth as he said ‘thinking’ drove me wild. I started to breathe more heavily to match the racing that my heart was doing. My mind stuttered to answer. What do I say?
… I want you to kiss me.
… I want to kiss you.
… I think you’re sexy as hell.
… I’ve been studying this all week long and imagining you and me together again.
I watched him swallow, his Adam’s apple move seductively up and down his throat. He licked his lower lip as he waited patiently for me to answer. I raised my eyes to his again and saw his hooded gaze…the one that was on his face before he kissed me last time. This is it, I thought. He’s going to kiss me again. I’m ready, I told myself. I felt my heart pound in every inch of me, especially my dick. It was pounding and twitching in my pants.
He didn’t lean in, however. He didn’t come in for a kiss. “What do you want, Greg?” he asked. I loved how my name sounded in his voice. I swallowed and fought to find the words to form an answer.
“I want to kiss you,” I whispered, shocking myself, in both coming up with the words, and how foreign my voice sounded. I don’t ever remember sounding so needy.
“So do it,” he whispered, almost imperceptibly.
I searched his eyes and looked at his mouth, his soft lips parted slightly. I noticed his breathing was shallow and aroused like mine. Hunger took over. The nights of imagining and recalling had all lead up to now.
I lifted my left hand like he had done and placed it on the back of his head. I briefly fingered his hair. It was indeed as soft as it looked. Tanner’s eyes closed softly and a small noise came from his throat. My touch affected him. My cock grew to an unimaginable hardness at that thought. I continued to look at the beautiful man that was before me, and when his eyes opened slowly, I saw the lust that I was feeling reflected back at me.
Gently, I pulled him to me and brought my face closer to his. There was only a fraction of an inch between our faces…our mouths. His breath from his parted lips washed over my mouth and it intoxicated me. Carefully, I placed my lips on his, kissing him s
oftly and briefly, and pulled back ever so slightly. My head swam with delirium. My lips hungered for more. I leaned in again, and again I gently kissed him, but this time I didn’t pull back. I felt Tanner’s lips trembling under mine and I felt exhilarated. I started to move my lips, as his lips also started to respond. He sucked tenderly on my lower lip.
Emboldened by his move, my tongue slipped from my mouth and I was instantly rewarded with Tanner’s tongue reaching out for mine.
Then the gloves came off. Tanner’s arms slipped around my waist and he pulled me closer. Our tongues tangled and explored the other’s mouth and my other hand came up and cupped his bristly jaw. I reveled in how perfectly we felt together. I had never had a kiss like this, and I was afraid. Not that I was kissing a man, but that I had missed out for so long. I was afraid I would never be able to make up for lost time.
I felt Tanner’s erection press on my own. I was so close to an orgasm just from this proximity that I was momentarily terrified. Tanner’s hand came up and plunged into the hair at the back of my head and he held my lips to his for dear life, tilting my head to deepen the kiss. He gripped my hair, but it was clearly a passionate move, and I responded in kind.
Suddenly, he pulled back, and breathless, he rested his forehead against mine. His eyes squeezed shut, painfully.
“I thought,” he panted. “I thought I had messed things up. I thought that you would never want to see me again.”
I released the breath I’d been holding when he’d pulled back. “And I thought I’d messed it up. Fuck that was hot. I’ve never had a kiss like that,” I confessed.
We both chuckled quietly before he asked, “And?”
“And I could kick myself for stopping things last time.”
His eyes looked deeply into mine, like he was vetting my answer as truth or fiction. So, I went one step further. “Now, I want you to kiss me.”
Tanner turned us and pressed my back against the window. His slight height advantage intoxicated me as much as his blue eyes did while they searched mine.
He leaned in and kissed me tenderly this time, but I wouldn’t be, couldn’t be, contained any longer. Eagerly, I opened my mouth to him, and again we were lip-locked and kissing each other with incredible lust and need. Desperate need. Consuming want.
Tanner’s hands came up and he groaned into my mouth as his hands explored my chest and shoulders. My own hands came to his sides, and I felt the sinewy muscle there and all up his back. I pulled him in closer to me, and pressed my erection into his. I was a man out of control.
Tanner bit down on my lower lip, causing me to moan this time. I could barely breathe at this point. I started to feel like I might pass out.
Abruptly, Tanner pulled away and turned his back to me. I heard his shaky breath as he shoved his hands through his thick brown hair. “I have to go,” he breathed heavily.
“Why?” I asked, my voice thready and confused. What did I do? Was I too late with this? Had I messed things up? Was he back together with Jonathan? Was I being too forward? Was I doing something wrong?
“This is too fast.” He turned to me and looked at me carefully. “I don’t want to move too fast. I want to know that this is what you really want. In fact, I don’t know much about you. I’m not a one night stand kind of guy. You said you’d never kissed a guy before me last week.” I nodded. “And now you’re okay with kissing guys?”
I shook my head ‘no.’ a look of confusion and hurt crossed his face. “I’m not okay with kissing ‘guys.’ I’m okay with kissing you,” I clarified confidently. “Only. You. Do I understand it? Hell no. Can I deny it? Again, no. But it’s what I want. No question.”
He just looked at me. I’d declared something aloud that even shocked the hell out of me, and he was just staring. The silence in the room surely allowed for Tanner to hear my heart pound.
Tanner took a step back toward me. He kissed me softly, and I returned the gesture. The kiss was sweet, and felt so natural.
“It’s late. Dinner? Tomorrow? Six-thirty?”
I nodded. He kissed me again, and then…he left quietly.
That was one hell of a one-eighty. I paced the hallway for five minutes unsure about where to go. On the one hand, I wanted to go back to Greg’s room and give in to this new territory. But on the other hand, the smart part of my brain knew that I would be better off going home and pounding out my fierce hard-on on my own. I’d wanted him to open himself up to the idea of me I just never expected it.
But I couldn’t go back to his room. If I went back, I wasn’t going to be able to stop. It took everything I had to stop this time around. I’d been going crazy thinking about him for two weeks, and now he was giving me a green light. And holy hell. The way he kissed. I almost came just from his mouth and tongue alone. Oh, the places I’d like to have that mouth.
He needed time. ‘Switching teams’ wasn’t as easy as that. And I needed to know where his head really was. I needed to know what his history was. And where he thought his future was headed. I’d spoken the truth that I wasn’t a one-night stand kind of guy. I didn’t do casual relationships.
CHAPTER 13
I tossed and turned all night hoping that Tanner really meant what he said, that he wanted to take things slowly, and that I hadn’t missed my ‘opportunity.’ I couldn’t believe that here I was, a straight man, who previously viewed gay men as corrupt and unnatural, getting involved with a gay man—and how natural and satisfying it felt.
As much as I was willing to explore this newfound curiosity, I wasn’t sold that I really had gay tendencies. All the “research” I’d done over the past week was enlightening, and I certainly had a new view of the world, but I wouldn’t know until I’d actually tried. Although the “tastes” I’d had were very convincing. I thought about my years with Elizabeth and my years before Elizabeth. I really dug into my memories, and never once did I feel like I did when I was with Tanner, or even thought about Tanner.
Had I really been so blind my whole life, based on some ideals that I had been exposed to when I was young…about gays being eternally damned to hell… and that being gay was a choice… a perverted choice? Was I going to hell? Was I choosing?
No. I wasn’t. My heart and my head were all in. It was most definitely not a choice. I could choose to stay away, but I wasn’t choosing to try. I was compelled. Pastor Emily had said that God didn’t make mistakes…we were all who we were meant to be. And that sometimes the struggles we encounter are to make us who we are when we need to be that person.
What did Tanner mean about going ‘too fast’? I had to admit that he’d been open about his family life, even if he didn’t bring up that he was gay. I knew where he was from, that he lived in Chicago. Because he was a public figure, I was able to research some of his current private life, and confirmed his sexual orientation, and that he was currently single. Me? He knew I lived alone, in Napa, was a CPA and financial planner, and that I loved sports. He knew where I’d gone to college, and that I was from Ohio. End of story. I didn’t want to bring up the painful divorce. Then I decided to just…move on. I didn’t feel that I had to bring it up. I didn’t know he was interested in me. I didn’t know I was interested in him—until I saw his bare chest. Maybe I wasn’t gay, but just attracted to Tanner? Maybe it was only him?
Tomorrow I would tell him more about me, and about Elizabeth.
Thursday was the longest day in history. Or at least my history. I sat through two information sessions, one on retirement strategies, and the other on a new tax law. Exactly what was said in those sessions is beyond me. I couldn’t remember a thing, but I did perk up when things like “same-sex marriage” changed certain laws. I had the PowerPoint printouts that everyone in attendance got, and figured that would be good enough for me to review later.
Lunch was typical and even though I sat with a couple colleagues, I knew well enough from years past, my mind was 98% focused on Tanner and dinner tonight. A date. I had never before looked forward to a date
so much in my life. Not even, sadly, when I was dating Elizabeth.
If the seminars that I barely attended weren’t boring enough, the networking open bar was only moderately less boring. The gin and tonics were poured generously, thankfully, and talking to people kept my mind in the present even if my gut was a jumble of nerves, but I did my thing, spread my business card with others, and did what Aaron was so good at.
I continued to commiserate with acquaintances—old and new, and the small talk always seemed to revolve around our family lives. I was surprised that sharing my newfound single status no longer pained me. They would ask, “How’s the wife and kids?” To which I would reply, “Kids are all in college, and the wife is no longer my wife, but she’s happy in New York.” They were always stunned into silence for a moment or two, and then would ask, “So, what’s it like to be single again?” I decided I would be a bit like a smart aleck, and maybe it was the gin, I would smile and say, “Who said I was single?” because, in my head at least, I was sort of in a relationship with Tanner, if last night’s kisses had anything to say. I never divulged any more info for the gossip mill, just sipped my gin and tonic and moved around the room to make more connections.
Unexpected Dreams: Dream Series, Book 4 Page 9