“Nah. I don’t. But you’re right about one thing.”
Kami turned to me and narrowed her eyes with question, but didn’t say a word.
“We are products of our pasts.”
Kami inched closer. “Elaborate.”
I nodded, diverting my eyes to the blue, cloudless sky. “After my mom passed, I was out of control. It was hard enough to be 13 with raging hormones and the bullshit of peer pressure. Losing her sent me into a really dark place. I was angry all the time. I didn’t listen to anyone, I didn’t care about anything. The fights, the mood swings… no one knew how to reach me. So, they ran some tests to see if I could be suffering from the same thing that killed my mom. To see if I had schizophrenia too.”
A beat passed before Kami released a slow breath. “And?”
I turned and smiled before pressing her to my side. “Only crazy as hell over you.”
Her body relaxed in my arms, giving me the opportunity to pin her body with mine. My tongue darted out and sampled her bottom lip, tasting her strawberry lipgloss and the delectable flavor that was uniquely Kami. I couldn’t help myself. I needed all of her. I was addicted to this woman, and I needed a fix badly.
“Ummm, I think we have an audience,” she murmured against my lips.
I turned my head to spy the group of kids snickering at us and pointing. I smiled and winked at them before planting a quick peck on Kami’s lips and sitting up. The girls giggled and blushed while the boys made gagging gestures.
“Ready to change?” I asked, swiping the light sheen of sweat on my brow. It was warm out, and feeling Kami’s body under mine had taken the temperature up a few notches.
“Change?” She looked down at her denim shorts and tank top. “Into what?”
I fished out the gift bag I had stowed with the supplies for our picnic and handed it to her. Kami took the pink and white striped bag and raised a brow. “Victoria’s Secret? A little presumptuous, aren’t we, Mr. Jacobs?”
“Just open it, Pervy Pervison. It’s not what you think. Besides, lingerie is overrated. Just an unnecessary obstacle keeping me from what I really want,” I replied, waggling my eyebrows playfully.
She rolled her eyes before tearing into the bag, pulling out a teal, jeweled bikini.
“The sales girl helped me pick it out, so if you don’t like it, blame her,” I shrugged, when she didn’t say anything.
“No. I love it. It’s beautiful, Blaine. Thank you.” She rewarded my shopping efforts with a soft kiss. “But how’d you know my size?” she asked checking the tag.
“Kami, I’m pretty sure I have seen every inch of you naked. And that’s not an image I could ever forget easily. The taste of your lips, your scent, the silkiness of your skin, the little sounds you make when you come…” I tapped my forehead with a single finger. “All committed to memory. Detailed memory.”
She blushed bright red before slapping my arm. “Creeper.”
“Only a semi-creeper where you’re concerned.”
Kami fingered the soft fabric nervously before meeting my gaze. “I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I can get in, Blaine. You shouldn’t waste this on me.”
I shook my head. “Nothing is wasted on you, Kam. And you don’t have to get in if you don’t want to. Just put it on and see how you feel, ok? We’ll take this slow. Together.”
“Ok,” she nodded. “I’ll try.”
I knew Kami was gorgeous, but seeing her in that bikini had me wanting to say “Fuck the lake,” so I could drag her back to the car and rip it off her with my teeth. Luckily, I had changed into my board shorts after cleaning up and could somewhat hide my enthusiasm under the looser fabric. Down boy!
“Well, you got me all but naked,” she said, after returning from the bathroom clad in the skimpy teal fabric adorned with faux jewels. “Now what?”
I grasped her hand and pulled her body flush into mine. “You know you’re safe with me, right? That you can trust me?”
Kami looked up at me with clear, unblinking eyes. “Yes.”
With my gaze still trained on her, and my arms wrapped around her waist, I slowly led Kami to the edge of the water. “Just look at me. Don’t think about anything else. Just me and you. The second you say the words, we’ll stop. I just want to show you what you’re capable of, how strong you really are.”
“I’m not a total spaz, Blaine,” Kami remarked, rolling her eyes though her hands clutched my back tightly as the water met our feet. “I’m not afraid of water. I just don’t want to be submerged in it.”
Inch by inch, I walked our bodies into the water, my arms still wrapped around her protectively. Every few seconds she would tense or gasp, yet Kami didn’t resist. She let me take her in deeper until we stood waist-deep in the lake.
“This is nice, right?” I asked smiling down at her.
“Nice?” She raised a slender brow and narrowed her eyes. “Yeah sure. About as nice as a colonoscopy.”
“Aw, come on. There are advantages to being in the water, you know.”
Kami tilted her head to one side and asked, “Like what?”
“Well,” I replied with a lustful grin, picking her up and pulling her thighs around my hips. “We can do this.”
“Hmmm,” she smiled, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I guess this is nice.”
“And we can also do this.” I drew her closer to the hardness under my shorts and discreetly grinded into the soft flesh that was covered only by a thin strip of nylon.
“Mmmm, yeah,” she murmured breathlessly, pressing her face into my shoulder to hide the flush of her cheeks. “Nice.”
Still moving, I walked us deeper into the water, leaving kisses along her shoulders and neck. Kami reciprocated with little whimpers and sighs, too caught up in what our lower halves were doing to notice. I stopped just before the water hit our chests. I didn’t want to alarm her, plus I was damn near too hard to even walk.
“Blaine,” she whispered against my shoulder.
I let my hands slip under her bottoms and palmed her bare ass. “Yeah, babe?”
“Ah,” she moaned at the contact. “I know what you’re doing. I know you’re trying to distract me.”
“Is it working?”
She sucked my neck lightly before nipping my skin with her teeth, causing me to push myself into her softness even harder. “What do you think?”
“Shit,” I hissed. “Why does it feel like you’re the one trying to distract me?”
“Maybe I am,” she replied, looking up at me and smiling. “Maybe I really just want to get you home and show my gratitude.”
“Gratitude?”
“For this. For believing in me despite all my crazy. You’re a good man, Blaine. And I really am thankful for you, even if it doesn’t always seem like it.”
I flashed a crooked grin. “Are you trying to tell me that you’re falling for me, Miss Duvall?”
Kami rolled her eyes and shook her head, her pouty lips curved into a smile. I couldn’t help myself. Before she could protest, I was devouring those lips with uncontrollable hunger, kneading handfuls of her backside. Still, I couldn’t get close enough, couldn’t kiss her deep enough. I needed her. And by the way her nipples strained against her bikini top as she moaned into my mouth, she needed me too.
“As much as I want to get out of here at this very second,” I mumbled, between pecks. “If I don’t put you down, I’ll probably get arrested for concealing a deadly weapon.”
She giggled, though I could see the seriousness creep onto her face. “Hey,” I said, grasping her chin to look into her eyes. “I’m right here. I’m not gonna let you go, ok?”
“Ok,” she said just above a whisper.
I kissed her deeply before letting her body slide down mine. With the height difference, the water was at her breasts. Panic flashed across her face just as I wound my arms around her tightly.
“Blaine…” she panted.
“I got you, baby. I got you, and I’m not letting go. Yo
u’re safe. I’m never letting go, Kami.”
The feel of her heart hammering in her chest vibrated through mine as I squeezed her even tighter, hoping to still her trembling. Minutes ticked by before the tremors began to cease, and I slowly pulled her away to access her face. Even through terror stricken eyes, I could see the strength in Kami clawing to the surface. She was so incredibly resilient that I couldn’t help but be amazed by her.
“What I wouldn’t give to let you see yourself through my eyes. To see what I see. There is so much beauty and courage in you, Kam. See, your fears don’t own you. They don’t define who you are. You just made this lake your bitch. Do you see how fucking crazy that is? You’re a fighter, babe. You aren’t afraid. You aren’t crazy. You. Are. A. Fighter.”
Her eyes misted, making me believe that I had crossed some unseen line, but before I could console her, she crushed her lips to mine. “Thank you for giving me something to fight for,” she said when she pulled away, claiming my next breath. “Now about that show of gratitude... Take me home.”
More than just my chest swelled when I looked down into those gorgeous green eyes. “Yes, ma’am.”
Fear #38
The unknown.
While most people would argue that the unknown would easily make the Top 10, it was what I knew, and what I experienced, that was much scarier.
Now, I feared it for an entirely different reason. There was one thing I knew for certain, but not knowing if I could ever truly accept it and reveal it in turn…terrified me.
I had never been good with words. Not the spoken kind, that is. Where Angel was bold and brash, and Blaine was sometimes overly expressive, I was closed and guarded. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell him how I felt, because I did. I just didn’t know how he would react. And then what? What would that mean for us? Would it change everything? Would he feel the same?
Dammit, Kam. Don’t start this shit. Not tonight. Tonight is special.
I refocused on the task of assembling individual rolls of meat and vegetables, and tried to block out the doubt screaming in my head. I wouldn’t listen to it. I couldn’t. I was already two seconds away from scrapping my plan and skipping town, but I owed it to Blaine to be honest with him. Hell, I owed it to myself.
“Score!” Dom boomed, as he entered our kitchen. He lifted the top of one of the pots simmering on the stove, allowing the scents of soy sauce, garlic and chicken to waft through the apartment. “Hell yes! I’m starved!”
“Hands off, this isn’t for you! You and Angel are going out for the night, remember?” I said, swatting him away.
“Yeah, yeah,” Dom replied, nabbing a Lumpia. “Send us off to eat crap while Blaine gets to savor all my favorite dishes. Yeah…that doesn’t seem unfair at all.”
“Awww, you’ll survive. Plus, I’m sure we’ll have plenty left over.”
Dom took a bite of the hot, crispy-fried goodness with closed eyes. A deep throaty groan erupted from his slightly greased lips.
“Fine,” he said around a mouthful of shredded cabbage and meat. “Make me a plate, and I’ll go quietly.”
“Deal,” I winked.
After a few more minutes of watching me nervously flit around the kitchen, Dom finally addressed the thing that had my stomach tied in knots. “So, tonight… you think you’re ready?”
I frowned, but didn’t look up from the rice noodles sizzling in the wok in front of me. “I don’t know what you mean,” I lied.
“Come on, Kam. You cooked for the man. And, you spend almost every single day together. I’ve never seen you this happy. This…free and unafraid. You opened up to him, and he’s still here, still completely into you.”
Dom walked over and stood at my side. I could almost feel the heat of his penetrating gaze boring into me though I refused to meet his eyes. “You love him, Kam, and I know for a fact that he’s in love with you too.”
Until that moment, I hadn’t audibly digested those words. Yeah, I had thought them before quickly pushing them away, but hearing it out loud… that was a different beast. I had planned to tell Blaine how I felt that night, but was I prepared to tell him that? Could I even do it?
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” When in doubt, deny, deny, deny.
“Sure, Kam. But you’re not fooling anyone. Just because you can’t say the words doesn’t mean you don’t feel it. What are you going to do when he tells you? Are you prepared for that?”
I shook my head. “Well…he won’t. You’re reading this all wrong. We’re just hanging out, just having fun. And if it ever came to that, I’d deal with it.”
“Ok, Kam, whatever you say.” He reached over and plucked a piece of chicken from the wok. “Just know that when he says it—and he will say it—that it’s ok if you want to say it back. It won’t make you weak or stupid. It won’t hurt you.”
He placed a kiss on my cheek and exited the kitchen, leaving me to ponder his words. My own skewed vision of love had kept me from accepting it. It was what made me break Kenneth’s heart when he told me how he felt. It was what caused me to push people away whenever they got too close. It was what left me to feel unwanted and alone for years.
Until now. Until Blaine.
I never wanted to go back to that. I never wanted to go without feeling Blaine’s arms wrapped around me as I fell asleep. I never wanted the warmth of his smile to abandon me. I never again wanted those stars on my windowsill to hold my thoughts hostage, not when I wanted to dream of only him. I had gotten just a taste of how good…this…could be, and I wanted more. I wanted it all.
I wanted love.
An hour later, Blaine was at my door, wearing his usual panty-melting smile. “Hey babe, something smells incredible,” he said greeting me with a kiss. Though we were the only two people in the vast condo, his presence filled the space with authority. Blaine engulfed every one of my senses, and I was only too happy to let him. I couldn’t even smell the food sitting on the dining room table, too intoxicated by the scent of mint, spice and pure seduction.
“Well, let’s hope it all tastes good,” I said pulling him by the hand to lead him to the feast I had spent all day preparing.
I sat Blaine at the head of the table and placed a linen napkin on his lap before picking up his plate to pile with food. It was all very subservient, and probably set women back several decades, but something inside me warmed. I remember watching my mom, aunts and grandmother cooking for hours together. When the food was ready and every mouth watered with anticipation, they would serve their family first, waiting on their men with rapt attention. I can’t even remember my grandfather ever getting his own food. Or my father.
I knew I should be ashamed, maybe even a bit disgusted, for wanting to serve Blaine, but I wasn’t. Part of me craved this. I liked feeling wanted. Needed. And no one made me feel those things more than him.
“You cooked all this?” he asked with wide, hungry eyes as he licked his lips.
“Yup. Now, we have Pancit, Chicken Adobo with white rice, barbeque pork and Lumpia. Should I give you a bit everything?”
“Yes, please,” he answered excitedly. “You don’t have to do that, you know. I can get my own food, Kam.”
“I know, but I want to.”
Blaine nodded and watched me intently, a small smile on his lips. “I can’t believe you did all this. What’s the occasion?”
I shrugged, avoiding his gaze as I spooned out the food. “Nothing special. Just wanted to do something nice for you. I’ve never cooked for a guy other than Dom so if you don’t like it, just don’t tell me. I probably would never cook again.”
“Baby, I’m sure I’ll love it all.”
There was that dirty little four-letter word again.
My hands began to sweat a bit, so I put the plate down to finish loading it before sliding it in front of Blaine. He dug in enthusiastically, moaning around mouthfuls of meat, noodles, vegetables and rice.
“Oh my God. Oh my God,” he mumbled, closing his e
yes in ecstasy. “This is amazing, babe. I’m in heaven. No bullshit, I think I just died and went to culinary heaven.”
I laughed as I took a bite of my own meal. “Good?”
“Good? Are you kidding me? This is the best food I’ve ever tasted. Seriously. Now if you tell Ms. Patty I said that, I may have to take an ass-whooping, but it’d be worth it. Yeah, babe…so damn good.”
I smiled as I watched him devour everything on his plate. I felt…domestic. Nurturing. Secure.
Home.
Not because we were at my place instead of his; it was Blaine. I felt at home with Blaine. And I never wanted that feeling to leave me.
What was I so afraid of? This was Blaine. Good-natured, uncomplicated, fun-loving Blaine. I was letting my imagination get the best of me. He would never try to get too deep with me. He knows about my past. A guy like him could have any woman he wanted. Why on Earth would he fall for someone like me—a total nutcase with more baggage than she could carry?
And if he did—so what? I could handle that. We were having fun. Just getting to know each other. Things were…comfortable. It’s not like he’d ever expect anything more than this.
Right?
“Hope you left room for dessert,” I said, once he had polished off another serving. I brought over a covered cake stand from the buffet behind us and set it before Blaine. Then I pulled off the top with a flourish, revealing a Leche Flan adorned with fresh blueberries and raspberries.
“Oh my God,” he breathed. “I think I love you.”
Thank sweet baby Jesus the cake cover was plastic, because it was on the floor.
We both scrambled to pick it up, though Blaine beat my shaky hands to it. I stood up straight, putting every ounce of my attention into cutting the flan. The knife shook between my clammy fingers.
“Kam?”
I couldn’t respond. I could hardly think beyond sinking the knife into the confection without losing a limb. I thought I was ready for this. I thought I wanted to hear those words. Hell, I thought I was strong enough to say them too.
But I was wrong. This…was wrong.
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