“I’ll go right here. To the community college. I can almost walk to the campus.” Harley glanced at the table; Tina and Angie listening intently, worried expressions. Devon was still standing next to her, arms around her waist, looking up at Harley.
“Julie’s mother says college isn’t for everyone,” Tina said. Harley put the spatula down and turned with her hand on her hip, jaw set, silently counting to ten.
“Where does Julie’s brother work?” Harley asked.
“Cottage Burger,” Tina answered, nodding her head. “Okay, I got it.”
“I rest my case. He was a good student too, if I remember correctly,” Harley replied. “Do you think he’ll be able to support himself on what Cottage Burger pays?”
“Probably not,” Angie answered. “Not if he wanted to move out of his mom and dad’s house.”
“Bennie should stay here,” Devon said resolutely.
“Ha! Oh, is that right?” Harley said, hugging her.
“There you have it,” Angie said. “The Queen has spoken.”
“Not going to college is not an option for my children. Get that straight, the four of you. You, too Devon.”
“On Monday I’ll get in touch with the freshman liaison person at Columbia and give them the details,” Bennie said. “If I have to, I’ll ask for a letter from your doctor.”
Older than her years, Harley wondered how much of Bennie’s self-sufficiency originated with having a mother who always worked. Stop blaming yourself because your kid is wise.
Passing food around, they settled in for a leisurely breakfast without Jason’s hyper-presence. Harley imagined what it would be like if she wasn’t there, Jason sitting in his usual spot after making breakfast for the family like he sometimes did. It was pleasant when he was in charge, but different. Even after living with his wife and four daughters, Jason seemed mystified by the ways of hormonal women.
“I think we should make Daddy a chart with everyone menses penciled in,” Harley said. The older girls laughed.
“He still wouldn’t get it,” Angie said.
“Last month we had it at the same time,” Bennie said. “The poor man hid in the basement for an entire weekend.”
“I’m going to try harder not to be so moody,” Tina said. “I’ve heard it’s helpful if you cut back on sugar and caffeine.” She raised her cup of coffee.
“Teenaged girls probably shouldn’t drink as much coffee as you do,” Angie said. “It will stunt your growth.” Tina giggled.
“I’m dying for a Wawa cappuccino,” she said. “That has to be good for at least an inch, a temper tantrum, and an extra five pounds.”
“Don’t talk about it,” Bennie said. “Hurry and eat your oatmeal and I’ll take you to get one.”
“Yum, it’s so thick and creamy,” Angie said. “But I have to watch it. Bathing suit season is here!”
“Not that you’d know it,” Tina said, frowning. “We haven’t been to the shore yet this summer.”
“We should be at the beach. Mom, you deserve a nice rest,” Angie said. “You can sit in a lounge chair all day.”
That second Harley made the decision she wasn’t going back to work, taking the summer off to be with her girls. “You know what, you’re right. After my appointment on Monday, we’re going to the shore and staying there for the rest of the week. If Granny Fran doesn’t mind, maybe we should stay there for the rest of the summer. Shouts of excitement ricocheted off the walls.
“Poor Daddy will have to be here all alone,” Devon said, pouting.
“He’ll be fine! Think of how peaceful it will be here,” Harley said, patting her head.
“We should go to Delaware next week, Mom,” Bennie said. “Switch off shore houses.” Harley slapped her knee.
“Great idea!” Tina got up from the table.
“I’m going to call Granny Maryanne,” she said, leaving the kitchen. Harley debated asking her not to say anything about the need for more chemotherapy and then thought better of it. Everything out in the open was for the best.
The first treatment was more difficult from which to recover. Tuesday morning, Before he went to work, Jason asked the girls to let Harley sleep in.
“I thought we were going to the shore today,” Devon said.
“Mommy doesn’t feel good,” Bennie said. “When she wakes up she can decide if we’re going.”
When she didn’t get up by noon, they were worried. Tiptoeing into her bedroom, Bennie waited for a second to make sure Harley was breathing, her own breath catching, heart racing. She could see her mother’s body moving slightly with each breath.
“She’s still sleeping and I don’t want to wake her,” Bennie told her sisters, relieved. “We can go to the shore another day. Let’s clean up the house and make dinner, okay? Mom needs her rest.”
Reality sinking in, the gravity that their mother was seriously ill and that she wouldn’t always be at their disposal as she had in the past, scared the girls.
“Why’s she so sick?” Devon asked.
“She’s got cancer,” Tina answered.
“Tina, really?” Angie responded, Bennie gasping.
“She doesn’t know what that is,” Tina hissed. “It’s not fair to her when everyone’s talking about it in front of her.”
“What’s cancer?” Devon asked. Tina patted her on the head and pulled her over.
“It’s a sickness older people get sometimes. It makes them tired.”
“When will she be over it?”
“Get outta this one, goofball,” Angie whispered.
“She’ll feel better soon,” Tina replied, ignoring her. “Her doctor is giving her medicine that makes her feel tired, that’s all. She’ll be up and around soon.”
“My ears are burning,” Harley said, walking in looking at the wall clock. “Sorry girls. Almost one. This is unprecedented.”
“See, Devi, I told you!” Tina said. “Here’s Mom!”
“How are you?” Bennie asked.
“Better.”
“Tina said you had cancer yesterday, Mommy. Is that true?” Harley looked at Tina, who shrugged her shoulders.
“She asked.”
“I did,” Harley answered. “I had some medicine that made me sleepy.”
“Can we go to the shore now?”
“Devon, remember I said we’d go another day?” Bennie reminded her. “Sit down Mom. I’ll make you tea.” Devon pouted and stomped off to her room.
“I was just going to tell her to go to her room for being such a little brat,” Angie said.
“Everyone’s on edge,” Harley said. “I feel awful about it.”
“Mother, stop it,” Bennie said. “We were just going to clean up. Come on, women, get busy.”
Harley didn’t have the energy to tell them not to leave, to sit and visit her, because she didn’t have the energy to visit, either.
“I think I’ll take my tea to bed, if that’s okay with everyone.” The girls told her to go, but they stood together, watching their mother disappear back to her bedroom.
The next day, Bennie drove them to the shore, Harley guilt-ridden and regretful that she put a damper on everyone’s week. They’d have to come home Sunday so she could have her treatment on Monday. They wouldn’t be at the shore the rest of the summer, but it was better than nothing.
Pulling up to the cottage, they received a nice surprise; Bea was there with the three cousins. Shouts of joy echoed throughout the campground as the girls raced to greet them. Michael had his fourth birthday and a companion to six-year-old Devon who was thrilled there was someone younger to push around.
Chapter 9
During that week of bliss, sun and ocean breezes, a fantasy to find a wife for Jason planted itself in Harley’s head. Each morning after breakfast, she and Bea sat in lounge chairs side by side by the water’s edge, Michael and Devon occupied building sand castles, the girls lying in their bikinis on a large old blanket, except for Tina, who wore a vintage bathing suit, white late
x with black horizontal stripes that flattered her youthful body.
“Only Tina could get away with it,” Harley said. Huge red sunglasses and a flowered turban completed her ensemble.
“She reminds me so much of your mother when we were young. Maryanne was the fashionista of our neighborhood. I remember watching your father checking her out while she gardened in her capris. The other women on the block were all jealous of her. Tina is a mini Maryanne.”
“Thinking of my girls after I’m gone makes me sad,” Harley admitted, looking over at the children. Bea watched her best friend as she shared her innermost feelings. There were no secrets between them. Harley was seriously ill; talk of death was natural and Bea was not going to suppress it by denying its truth.
“You mean, possibly leaving them?”
Harley nodded her head as they looked at the young, beautiful women on the cusp of adulthood. Bea couldn’t imagine leaving her girls with Dave, as wonderful a father as he was. Someone would have to step in; her mother or Fran. Could she offer to be there in Harley’s absence? The truth was it would be an almost impossible feat to pull off. Although they lived in the same school district, her children went to different schools. She worked full-time, and had her own unpredictable marriage to cope with. As much as she wanted to say to Harley that she’d help Jason, she knew it was giving lip service to a crushing dilemma. What would become of Harley’s family if she died?
“It’s the only thing that is really bothering me,” she said. “My girls need a mother. In order for Jason to find someone else, he’d have to waste his time dating. Even if he went on one of those dating sites, he’d still have to sort through a slew of people who aren’t appropriate.” Harley thought of Tiffany, and of Jason, alone at home all week while she vacationed at the shore.
“How do you know this?” Bea asked. “I thought the whole point of a dating site is they do the work for you.”
“Melissa met Charlie on LoveMatch. Don’t you remember the losers she had to sift through first? How can Jason do that with four daughters to take care of? It would take him forever to find someone.”
“Do you have any single friends in mind?” Bea asked.
“There are several at work I can picture in Jason’s bed but not as mothers to my daughters, if you get my drift.” Bea couldn’t help herself and laughed.
“You are too much. I have two friends who would be knocking on my door before my funeral.”
“Who?” Harley asked. “Not Annette Sanborn.”
“Oh yes. Annette. You missed last weekend. She was here with her mother. Mrs. Sanborn knows Fran from Kiwanis. About five minutes after they arrived, believe it or not, Annette put on a bikini. I had to hide in the bedroom I was so pissed off.”
“How’d she look?”
“Fabulous,” Bea admitted, pouting. “Joe and Dave suddenly wanted to spend the day outside. I was ready to kill my husband, but since he doesn’t get it, I didn’t say a word. I was so proud of myself for keeping it together. I never put a suit on all weekend though. I hated it that she made me feel bad about myself.”
“You let her have that power over you,” Harley said, annoyed. Annette Sanborn was a creep.
“Annette on the other hand suddenly became an animated story teller, standing in front of the men, waving her hands as she talked, her boobs colliding. Joe was drooling. I finally told her to lay off Dave. ‘Don’t try to get your needs met flirting with my husband, Annette,’ I said. She laughed at me, but I have to hand it to her, she kept her distance after that.”
“She’s a ho. Don’t let her around Jason if I croak,” Harley said.
“Hell no,” Bea replied, and they laughed again, sputtering, kicking their feet in the air. It was therapeutic, making fun of Annette.
“I wish there was something I could do to protect him from the Annette’s of the world,” Harley said passionately. “I can’t stand the thought of him getting involved with someone who isn’t right for him when he’s vulnerable. There is just too much at stake with the girls’ wellbeing.”
Bea glanced at her with a shrewd look. “There is something you can do.”
“What? Kill him?”
“No, silly. Find him a wife!”
Harley looked over to her children, the youngest sitting with a bucket and a shovel, digging a hole and watching with wonder the water seeping in from the sand. The older girls were sleeping, Bennie with her wild hair, Harley’s hair, pulled into a ponytail, the sun glinting off it. When Harley died, every time Jason looked at Bennie, he’d think of her; all four girls would remind him. The thought of leaving them was so depressing. How could she be proactive? Finding someone to replace her was sort of a control-freak act, but thinking of it made her feel better.
“I’d have to join a dating service because there’s no one I know who would be good enough for my girls. Do you have anyone in mind?”
“Look, this is just play, okay? I don’t plan on you dying anytime soon. We could just as well talk about me finding Dave another wife.”
Harley sat up, straightening her straw hat. “I’m intrigued. It feels right, if I could get Jason to agree to it.”
“He wouldn’t. I’m sorry I said anything,” Bea replied, worried she’d started something that might lead to trouble for Harley.
“I could keep it a secret. I mean, he wouldn’t have to know initially. It would give me a chance to really check women out. Get to know them. Maybe even have them around the house once we determined they weren’t shysters.”
“This is getting a little weird,” Bea said.
She almost said you aren’t going to die, but caught it. It was a real possibility Harley was going to die sooner than later and Bea was one of the few people with whom Harley could be real. That was how the conversation got started in the first place and she didn’t want to squelch Harley’s excitement.
“I know. Isn’t it great? It’s almost like being a swinger without the sex.” They bellowed laughing.
“You’re insane!” Bea shouted. “I do have one suggestion.”
“Okay, I’m listening.”
“Wait till school starts. I can see how this could monopolize your life and you want to spend the summer with the girls.”
“I have six weeks of chemo to get through, too. And if yesterday was any indication of what’s to come, it’s going to suck.”
Chapter 10
But six weeks of chemotherapy flew by, Harley finding her rhythm quickly, treatment on Monday, rest on Tuesday, to the shore with the girls on Wednesday. Jason would come for the weekends that filled quickly with friends and family, Harley’s sisters and mother there, too. Later, they’d all say it was the best summer yet.
And then that fateful dog day in late August, when Harley went back to Jeremy Michaels oncology office. The before and after contradiction was powerful, knocking the wind out of her. She was so hopeful before her visit, having a repeat PET scan and another chest X-Ray. Feeling excited about getting a positive report from him, she was animated and almost joyful when she greeted Fern at the desk.
“No Devon today?” Fern asked.
“Nope, the others are old enough to stay home alone and watch over her. Bennie will be eighteen soon.”
“Have a seat, Harley. Doctor will see you in just a moment.” She sat down next to a table of ancient People magazines, most that she’d read on past visits.
“I’m going to get you a subscription to People if I survive this,” she called out to Fern, the awfulness of what she had spontaneously said sending chills down her arms, her cheeks tingling. Of course, I’m going to survive, she thought. Fern looked up and smiled at her.
“Doctor’s wife provides the reading,” she whispered, looking over her shoulder.
Harley forced a grin, the apprehension dread making her sick to her stomach. Trying to recapture the positive outlook she had, she closed her eyes and did deep breathing. Everything would be fine, she was doing great, the chemo knocked the cancer out of her body for the l
ast time. The pep talk helped and she relaxed. It was understandable, being anxious. Fortunately, she’d felt great up until that stupid comment about the magazine. She threw it back in the pile next to the dusty fake philodendron.
“Harley? Doctor will see you now,” the nurse said.
Harley stood up, the backs of her legs sticking to the vinyl chair. Following her through the maze of exam rooms, the knowledge she probably wouldn’t be coming back was intense. There would be no need. In that moment, she’d prepared her heart to hear whatever the doctor had for her, relinquishing hope, accepting it was probably going to be bad. In those few minutes, she went through stages of grief that would cycle in the coming months, always ending at acceptance.
After she left the office, she wanted to see Jason. The dust and detritus of the city blew against her bare legs as she walked to the main hospital from the parking lot, her eyes gritty, a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Dying was a concept she’d toyed with but never attached any reality to. Now she had to get serious about her plans.
The family had played it safe, not using cancer or its strappings to garner sympathy or special favors. Those days were gone forever and she’d milk it for she was worth if it would mean an easier time for her children. She was going to ask Jason to leave work and come with her to a quiet place to talk. Doubting he suspected it, the news would be a shock. She took the elevator up to the eighth floor and used her key to get into the dressing room. Thankfully, it was empty. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and it was about as placid as she could make it. He’d never guess by looking at her. Going through the door to the nurse’s lounge, she’d chat with whoever was in there while she waited for Jason.
❋
A creature of habit, Jason had the ability to focus solely on the task at hand. His job as a nurse anesthetist required dedicated concentration, the mixing of drugs which could kill if not administered properly, monitoring a patient’s respiratory and cardiac function, documenting minute by minute changes.
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