Handing him the cup, Tiffany wondered why it was so important for a grown man to tell his family he was going to take a walk, but didn’t say anything.
Returning in seconds, she stood up. “Can we go to the water?”
Jason nodded, not sure about walking the beach with her. He avoiding doing anything that might remind him of Harley. Maybe it would be okay with Tiffany, they’d be leaving their own imprint on the beach. Leading the way through the trees, right before they come out into the opening of the sand, he absently reached for her hand. Tiffany was thrilled but wisely kept her mouth shut, holding on to him as they walked along the water. It was the first time they’d held hands. It was cool out, and because it was before lunch, the beach was relatively empty for a holiday Sunday.
“I can’t get over how quiet it is,” he said. “This beach is usually packed on Labor Day weekend.”
The words were out of his mouth when he looked up and saw a familiar child running along the water edge. “Laura, don’t get wet now,” a voice called. Jason looked up and recognized Kathy Agin. Feeling self-conscious, he let go of Tiffany’s hand and waved with both hands.
“Laura Agin, hello!”
She stopped and turned to him, and then surprising Jason, ran to him, leaping into his arms. “Devi’s daddy!”
Kathy approached, laughing, but curious. Wasn’t it a little soon to be walking the beach, holding another woman’s hand? She felt loyalty to Harley masking any interest she’d otherwise have in the young woman, young with a capital Y. Surprisingly, Jason leaned in to kiss Kathy on the cheek pulling her close with one arm, Laura on his hip.
“It’s so nice to see you,” he said. “You have to come back to the cottage. How far is your mother’s place from here?”
“Less than a mile,” she said.
“Well Devon is going to flip out. Oh, this is my friend, Tiffany,” he said. “Tiffany, an old friend of Harley and of mine, Kathy Agin, and this young lady is Laura.”
Tiffany couldn’t help herself, she was taken aback by the little girl with her slanted eyes and little round face. She knew about Downs syndrome, but didn’t know of anyone who had it.
“Hi,” she said, feeling put upon. This woman and her kid were infringing on her territory.
“Let’s head back to the cottage. I know everyone will be excited to see you.”
Neither he nor Kathy said anything about the long summer in which neither tried to get in touch with the other. “I’ve missed the girls,” she said. “Is Bea there today?”
“No, I’m afraid not,” he said, glancing at Tiffany. He was prepared to say goodbye to her so he could tell Kathy about Dave and Bea breaking up. “Amanda, Sally and Michael came with my folks.”
“Michael?” Laura asked, her eyes sparkling with excitement.
“Yep, good old Michael, just as wild as ever,” Jason said, the others laughing. Tiffany had no idea why but at this point, she would go along with whatever she had to, to stay in the conversation.
The wound their way through the woods, but when they got to Tiffany’s car, Jason made it clear it was time for her to move on. “I guess you need to get to your friend’s house by noon?”
“It’s almost noon now,” Kathy said, figuring out this must be the unlucky Tiffany, featured in Harley’s nightmares.
“Yep, I can tell time,” she said, reaching for her bags left on the chair. “Thanks for having me, Jason. Nice to meet you, Kathy.”
Laura was still in Jason’s arms, her head on his shoulder, daring Tiffany to move in. “Have a safe drive back,” he said.
Looking up at him, Tiffany used all of her self-control not to tell Jason off, and he saw the effort it was taking her.
“I’ll see you at work on Tuesday,” he said.
Not answering, she started the car and drove off without looking at them.
“I guess my timing sucks,” Kathy whispered.
“No, actually it was perfect,” he replied. “Let’s go inside. Everyone will be so happy to see you. Just so you know, Dave and Bea are separated.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear it,” Kathy said. “I enjoyed her company so much. There’s just too much change going on for anyone’s good.”
“I agree,” he said, holding the door open for her. “Everyone, look who’s here!”
When Tuesday morning rolled around, Tiffany was waiting in the OR, having traded assignments with another nurse so she could be in the room with Jason. Upset by the reception she’d received from Jason and his family, she accepted she only had herself to blame for his reaction. But the way he greeted the other woman, now that was inappropriate. They weren’t invited either, yet he acted like he’d been waiting for her all along.
“Good morning,” he said. “So you’re in here?”
“Yes, is that a problem?”
“No, not at all. I’d rather nothing was said about Sunday, however.”
“What’s there to say? That you were rude to me and welcomed another woman who was also uninvited with open arms?”
Jason paused at his anesthesia machine and looked at her. “Tiffany, if it’s going to be an issue, one of us can get our assignment changed.”
“It’s no issue,” she said. “I just think it’s a bit bizarre.”
“Next time, when I invite you out on a certain day, show up on that day. Don’t try to manipulate me.”
“How many times do I have to apologize? I said I was sorry.”
“Good morning, good morning, one and all,” Andy Forman came in with a big grin on his face. “So, I got the racket.”
“You did not,” Jason said, winking at Tiffany. “You paid two thousand for a new tennis racket.”
“I did,” he said, ecstatic. “You should feel it. It weighs less than ten ounces.”
“How can you even play with something that light? The head must be small. You won’t be able to hit the ball without your loupes on.”
Andy laughed good-naturedly, the joke being he did general surgery wearing magnifying loupes because his eyesight was so bad.
Chatter about Andy’s racket took precedence over Tiffany’s complaint, and the rest of the day was spent trying to get Jason’s attention, annoying him further. At the end of the day, he cornered her. “If your intent is to prevent me from focusing on my job, you’re doing a good job. Now I’m going to ask you to knock it off, Tiffany.”
Guilt over not having said it when Harley was alive spurred him on. “This is a life and death situation here in the OR. Lay off the flirtation.”
“You flatter yourself,” she said loudly. “I did no such thing.”
“Don’t change your assignment again,” he said, and turned away as soon as her lower lip started to tremble. Tiffany was known to decompensate and he didn’t want to be around when it happened again.
Grabbing his belongings, he shot out of the locker room before she could nab him. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he mumbled. Hoping she’d leave him alone, that it wouldn’t become a problem for him on the job, he headed for home, the oasis of peace.
But when he reached his car, he heard Tiffany calling his name. “Jason, wait up,” she said. Annoyed, he did as she’d asked and waited.
“Look, I’m so sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t even approach you at work. You and Harley worked together all of those years and there was never a whisper about you, and already people are talking about us.”
“Oh, great,” he said. “What is there to talk about?”
“Just that I’m chasing you,” she said, weeping. “Sally Albertson, the fat pig just pulled me aside and told me I’ve been warned.”
Sally Albertson was the OR manager. For a nurse to receive a warning from her was tantamount to a slap on the wrist.
“Let’s keep our private life private,” Jason said. “If you can’t accept that I’m not ready, that I might never be ready, maybe you should move on.”
“I love you,” she cried. “You know that.”
“Tiffany, have some self-resp
ect. Please.”
Careful not to touch her, or to show any remorse, Jason thought he might have made headway when she took a step back. “I’m so humiliated.”
“Don’t be,” he said. “That wasn’t my intent. I need to be honest with you, as I’ve been all along. I loved my wife. We went through a rough time when she was sick. I appreciate it that you were there for me as a friend.”
“Whatever, Jason,” she said. “Go home.”
Turning to leave, she had a smattering of hope that he’d reach for her, and the thought did cross his mind, but he caught himself in time and let her go.
Chapter 28
Harley died in her sleep, no one knowing until the morning. When Jason didn’t come out to the kitchen at his usual time, Maryanne tiptoed into the bedroom to see how she was doing. Reaching the end of the bed, she could tell right away, the knowledge that her beloved daughter was gone hitting her like a medicine ball to the chest, air escaping her lungs. Covered with blankets, Harley’s chin was hidden; the crocheted bedcap Tina had made her was pulled down around her ears. Bea had bathed her the night before, dressing her in an embroidered nightgown, even doing Harley’s nails. Jason was on his side, his back facing her. Maryanne could see him breathing, slow, shallow, the breath of unconsciousness. She didn’t want to wake him just yet. Creeping up to the side of the bed, she reached out and felt for Harley’s carotid pulse, but there was nothing. Pulling the sheets down she looked closely at her daughter’s face. A faint smile was there, her skin unlined like a young girl, her eyes closed, seemingly at peace with Glenn’s dog tags around her neck. Seeing Harley so serene, but without life jarred Maryanne. No matter what, she hadn’t been able to prepare for the loss.
Before giving in to her own grief, she crept around to the other side of the bed and put her hand on his shoulder. “Jason,” she whispered. He rose with a start.
“Huh?” he asked, but his eyes filled with tears immediately, his face contorting. “Is she gone?”
Maryanne nodded. “She is, but she’s smiling.”
Hopping out of bed, he ran around to her side and crouched down. “Oh God, Harley! Oh God, I thought I’d be relieved. I can’t believe she’s dead.”
While Jason crumbled, Maryanne stayed calm for his sake, kneeling down next to him, embracing him, soothing him, pointing out again that she was smiling. But for Jason, it meant nothing, his despair was so intense. All he knew was that he’d never talk to his best friend again. They stayed on their knees at the bedside for a long time, crying on and off, talking about what a wonderful human being Harley was.
Finally, spent, Jason stood up, leaning on the mattress for support. Harley’s head rocked on the pillow, the movement eerie, driving home the reality of what was happening. It was a weekend morning and the girls were in their rooms, expecting to greet their mother soon.
“We need to decide how to handle the girls,” Maryanne said. “She looks so peaceful, do you think we should let them come in if they want?”
But Jason was unable to contribute anything yet. Maybe allowing them to see their mother dead would have less an impact than seeing their father a mess. “I’ll call your mother,” Maryanne said, needing to lose it herself but having to take care of Jason forcing her to stay in control. Picking up the phone, she dialed Fran’s number.
“Is she gone?” Fran said without a hello.
“Yes, yes she’s gone,” Maryanne said, crying at last. “Jason is a wreck and I’m not sure what to do about the girls. They’re still in their rooms.”
“I’ll get Pop and we’ll come right over,” Fran said, hanging up.
Hesitantly, she approached him, sitting in his recliner, reading a hunting magazine. “Joe, Harley’s gone.”
“Already?” Sitting up, he put the foot of his chair down. “Was that Jay?”
“No, it was Maryanne. She said Jason’s in a bad a way. We need to go over. The poor woman is alone, not sure what to do about the children.”
He stared out the picture window, looking over the street, at the blue, blue sky and the beginnings of spring. Why’d she pick a weekend to die? “What will you do about the girls?”
“They have to be told. When we get there, if it hasn’t come up yet, we’ll let Jason make the decision.”
Jason already knew what needed to be done. The girls would be encouraged to see Harley one last time. They weren’t having an open casket funeral, thank heaven, so it was now or never. He’d spoken at length with hospice and with Harley, and seeing her body would help the girls grieve.
When Maryanne hung up from talking to Fran, she turned to discover Jason sitting in the rocker where Harley had nursed all four girls, perched on the end of the seat, staring at Harley. “I’ll clean up and then we’d better get the girls in to see her.” He was composed for the time being.
Maryanne nodded. She watched the door while he was brushing his teeth. Soon, he came out, looking grim, looking despondent. “I can’t believe she’s really gone,” he said breaking down again.
Pulling himself together, Maryanne followed him to Bennie’s room first, standing behind him as he tapped on the door. “Come in,” she called out, in a sleepy voice.
Seeing her father with Maryanne behind him, Bennie popped up. “Is it Mom?” she asked, her face contorting.
“It is, sweetheart,” Jason said, going to her. “She went in her sleep. We need to tell the others, and then you should go in to see her.”
“I’m afraid,” Bennie cried.
“She looks very peaceful,” Maryanne said, embracing her. “You’ll be glad you saw her one more time.”
“Oh Granny, I’m so sorry,” Bennie cried out, the impact of understanding what the loss was for her grandmother taking precedence over her own grief.
“We’d better get to the other girls before they hear us,” Maryanne said, and the three of them went into Angie’s room, then to Tina’s and last to Devon’s.
“I want to see Mommy one last time,” Devon said, calmly, taking Jason’s hand.
They hadn’t touched her; she was very natural with her head turned and her chin down, that little smile on her face, her sparse eyelashes on her cheeks. “She looks like she did as a young girl,” Maryanne said, starting to weep.
The older girls surrounded her, patting her, helping their grandmother and father deal with grief a way to assuage their own.
“Knock knock.” They looked up to find Fran and Joe in the bedroom doorway. Devon ran to Fran, throwing her arms around her. “Granny Fran, Mommy died in her sleep.”
She pulled her grandparents to the side of the bed, Joe weeping put his arms around the older girls’ shoulders as they stared at Harley. Fran went to Jason, embracing him first and then Maryanne, afraid to look at Harley. “Are Dave and Bea coming?”
“She just left at midnight,” Jason said. “Let them sleep.”
“I’ll call the aunts,” Angie said. “Melissa and Kelly need to be here, too.”
Angie left the room while the others stood silently, sentinels of Harley’s body.
Fran spoke up. “You girls want to get dressed? I guess we’ll have company today whether we want it or not. But I’ll try to keep it just the family, just us. I’ll get on the phone to Bea and Dave in a while. Jason, you want coffee?”
“No, Ma. Yes. I don’t know what I want. I’ve got to call Andy,” he said. “Someone’s got to pronounce her.”
He’d stay there at the edge of the bed, by Harley for the rest of the day, fussing with her cap, fingering her father’s dog tags. In the afternoon, everyone but his parents and Maryanne had left. Then they called the undertaker.
The girls huddled with their grandmothers, crying, while Jason and Joe stood guard over her, following the gurney out to the hearse, the neighbors coming out to pay their respects and give Jason their love.
By the next morning, the food and flowers started to arrive in earnest, tons of the stuff, more than they could eat in a week. “What do we do with all of this stuff?” Bea
asked.
“What guests won’t eat, take to the soup kitchen,” Joe said. “Load up Dave’s truck and I’ll take it over now.”
So the family was busy with entertaining and food distribution and taking flower arrangements to the nursing homes in the neighborhood, taking the edge off their grief. By Wednesday, the day of the funeral, Jason had his act down pat. Not a tear shed in front of anyone but his family, to his friends and coworkers he pretended to be beyond speech. By Thursday, all he wanted was to be alone, shooing his parents out of the house. By Friday, he’d convinced Maryanne he was fine; he’d be okay dealing with the girls. Reluctantly, she left for Melissa’s house, afraid to drive back to Delaware in case he changed his mind.
“We’re finally alone,” Bennie said, standing in the middle of the kitchen. It looked like a foreign place without Harley. Even the placement of the coffee pot, flower arrangements set in the middle of the table and one on the counter, placed differently than the way Harley would have set them.
“We need to do something normal,” Tina replied. “Something Mom would suggest.”
“Let’s do movie night,” Devon said. “Star Wars. Mommy was always asking me if I wanted to watch Star Wars.”
“Perfect,” Jason said, Angie and Tina agreeing. They rushed around preparing for movie night. Bennie ordered Pizza and Angie and Tina drove to Wawa for hoagies. Devon got the afghans out of the closet while Jason got out of his clothes, into sweatpants and got the movie queued up.
They got into recliners with their food, the extra afghans piled onto Harley’s, hiding its emptiness. They didn’t stop at Star Wars, however, watching Back to the Future, which was one of Harley’s favorites, and after Devon fell asleep, an adult comedy that Harley had also enjoyed.
“I feel closer to her now, watching movies she’d have liked,” Angie said, and they agreed.
The next morning, the girls took their time getting up, Bennie making coffee while Tina helped Devon get her breakfast. Jason’s bedroom door was closed. “Should we make sure he’s okay?” Angie asked.
“I think we should leave him alone,” Tina said. “If he’s not okay, it’s too late to do anything, and if he’s okay then we’ve disturbed him for nothing.”
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