Hopeful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Clasping her hands tightly on her lap, Kaylene shook her head. “I don’t think I’ll ever be as smart as Beverly. And I know I’ll never be as smart as Micah.”

  He chuckled. “I don’t think any of us will be.” Micah was the brightest of them all. He’d been reading big books by the time he was eight or nine, and there hadn’t been a math or science problem he couldn’t figure out.

  Years ago, when they’d all been much closer to Kaylene’s current age, their parents had announced that Micah had made them mighty proud. That he could be absolutely anything he wanted to be. He could start his own Amish business or even possibly be a doctor if he didn’t join their faith.

  “Would you like me to visit with Mary Kate? See if she has any suggestions?”

  After a moment’s pause, she gave a little nod. “You don’t mind?”

  “I don’t mind.” Though some outside the family would say it wasn’t a brother’s job to worry about a sister’s reading ability, none of his siblings would be surprised. Kaylene didn’t have parents of her own, and she needed her siblings to fill that role. He would do just about anything to help his little sister. And, well, Miss Mary Kate just happened to be Miss Mary Katherine Hershberger, the woman he was going to ask Miriam about.

  Warming up to the idea, he thought this might give him even more opportunities to get to know Mary Kate. Who knew? Maybe getting to know Mary Kate better would encourage her to be more patient with his little sister.

  At last, Kaylene’s expression brightened. “Danke, Junior,” she said with a smile. “You really are the nicest one in the whole family.”

  Unfortunately, her statement had the opposite effect than what she’d no doubt intended. It made him remember just how awkward it was going to be when he saw Miriam later tonight. If Joe was right, she had no idea he was going to visit merely to get help with another girl. When she realized that, her feelings were certainly going to be hurt.

  Giving his sister a little pat on her back, he said, “I’ll stop by the school tomorrow afternoon. Try not to worry, Kay. We’ll get things figured out.”

  After a brief hug, his little sister went back to the house. He took the opportunity to spend a few minutes by himself. To figure out how he was going to set things right with Miriam.

  chapter five

  “Where are you and Junior planning to sit when he comes over? It’s a little too chilly to visit outside, don’tcha think?” her mother asked as she entered Miriam’s bedroom.

  “I guess I’ll bring him into the living room.” Miriam shrugged, pretending his visit didn’t matter to her all that much. Though she’d been staring at the same page of her novel for the last fifteen minutes, she certainly didn’t need her mother discovering that. Her mamm would become even more excited about her caller. Miriam had purposefully gone into her bedroom to read in an effort to appear nonchalant.

  “Jah, I suppose that will be the best spot for him,” her mother agreed, looking distracted and a bit anxious. “Just so you know, I put some of the cookies you made this morning on a plate.”

  “Danke. We have tay and lemonade, too. I’ll ask Junior if he wants anything to drink.”

  “I’ll get out the glasses. Should I make kaffi?”

  Getting up from her rocking chair, Miriam shook her head. “Nee, Mamm. And please, don’t do anything more. I’ll take care of the glasses and such. Junior’s only coming over for a bit. It’s nothing to get too excited about.”

  The look her mother gave her said she disagreed with that statement. Completely.

  “Miriam, I know it’s been a while, but a man expects to be welcomed into a house when he goes courting.”

  She would have laughed if her mother’s words weren’t so expected or so serious. “Everything will go fine, Mamm. Besides, he didn’t act like he was planning to stay long. Only that he wanted to talk to me about something.”

  “And we both know what that ‘something’ must be, don’t we?”

  Miriam said nothing, but she had a feeling her mother was right. She could only imagine one reason for Junior Beiler to talk to her in private, and at her house, no less! Feeling some of the same restlessness that her mother did, she carefully took off her kapp and took down her hair.

  Her mother crossed her arms over her chest and watched her, a winsome expression playing across her face.

  Now she was starting to feel a bit foolish. “I’ll be out soon.”

  Her mother’s lips curved as she watched Miriam brush her hair, then repin it neatly under her white kapp. “I have to say that I’m mighty happy for you, dear. For years I’ve been waiting for you to have callers. I was starting to wonder when that day would come.”

  Years! Nothing like a mother’s honesty to put things into perspective! “Me, too, Mamm.”

  After another meaningful look her way, her mother pattered back down the hall, finally leaving Miriam alone with her thoughts. Her jumbled, silly, exasperated thoughts.

  She did love her parents so much. But she was a late-in-life child, born almost ten years after her brother and sister. She’d barely started school when they’d been in the midst of their rumspringa. She’d been struggling with her cursive when they’d both become baptized and engaged.

  Now each had families of their own. Her sister, Teresa, had four children, and her brother, Nolan, had two.

  Over the years, her parents had been spending more and more time with Teresa and Nolan and their families. Now that they were retired, it wasn’t unusual for them to spend a week with Nolan in Medina and then another week with Teresa and her family in Middlefield.

  Miriam had never blamed their choices. She knew in many ways she was a riddle to her parents. They’d never intended to raise a constantly late, somewhat dreamy girl who would rather stick her nose in a book or bake pies than be at a singing or gathering of young people.

  Of course, much of the reason she’d read so much was because most of the boys had never spared her a second glance. No matter how hard she’d tried, her hair had never lain smoothly under her kapp. No matter how many times she said no to dessert she never lost weight.

  She’d been a wallflower, waiting on the sidelines for something, anything, to happen. After a while, she stopped going to avoid the disappointment.

  But now it looked like things were about to change. Her father seemed relieved, her mother was pleased as punch, and Miriam was struggling with the unusual feeling of doing something that her mother was pleased about.

  Or perhaps, it was more the feeling of relief that came from actually “being” the daughter her mother wanted.

  Shaking off that bit of melancholy, she glanced at the time, saw that Junior was sure to arrive in a few minutes, and scurried to the living room. Once there, she lit two of the kerosene lamps, carefully set the plate of cookies on the coffee table, then filled two glasses with ice.

  Just as Junior knocked at the door.

  After sharing a somewhat anxious look with her mother, her mamm walked back to the kitchen and Miriam let Junior inside.

  “Wilcom,” she said as she stared up at him in the doorway. He looked much the same as he had at the restaurant, though he’d changed shirts. This one was white.

  “Danke.” He took off his hat, then stepped inside, seeming to swallow the oxygen as he filled the room. Junior looked at her, at the plate of cookies on the coffee table, then practically crushed the rim of his hat in his hands. “Thank you for letting me come over.”

  Letting him? That seemed like an odd choice of words. For the first time, a bit of unease filtered through her. She’d imagined he’d be all smiles, maybe even teasing her a bit, like she’d seen him do with his family and friends.

  Instead, he wasn’t even smiling. Only standing awkwardly. She took things into her own hands. “Junior, please have a seat. Would you like a glass of lemonade or tea?”

  He looked as if he were about to refuse, but nodded instead. “Tay, if you don’t mind.”

  If she didn’t mind? She’d o
ffered!

  “I don’t mind at all. Um, I’ll be right back.” Needing to take a moment to gather her thoughts, she took her time walking the few steps to the kitchen. Steadfastly ignoring her parents’ questioning looks, she poured tea into the two prepared glasses, took a deep breath, then entered the sitting room again.

  Junior was eating a cookie. “These are gut, Miriam.”

  “Danke.”

  “Are they oatmeal raisin?”

  She would have thought that was obvious. “Jah.”

  “You ah, bake a lot, hmm? Someone at the restaurant told me that you bake a lot of the pies and rolls.”

  “I enjoy baking.” She set both glasses on the table, then opted to sit on one of the sturdy chairs across from him. She needed the distance from him, and she also felt like she needed to be able to look at him directly. There was something not quite right about this visit, but she couldn’t put her finger on why she felt that way.

  Junior bit into the cookie again, chewed.

  She took a sip of tea. Crossed her legs. Waited almost patiently.

  Finally, he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. “Miriam, we’ve known each other a long time.”

  “Years,” she agreed, smiling encouragingly.

  “Jah.” He sat back, looking more uncomfortable with each passing second. “Um. I know we’ve never been the best of friends, but I’ve always thought that we could be, you know?”

  No, she didn’t. Actually, his words were a complete surprise to her.

  Though she’d always had something of a crush on him, it had been perfectly obvious that he’d never spared a second thought for her.

  For the last few years, she’d racked her brain, trying to figure out how she could be the type of person he wanted to know well.

  She ached to tell him that. To ask him why he hadn’t ever wanted to know her better. To ask him what she’d done that had finally changed his mind.

  But all of that seemed like it would make things even more awkward.

  “Junior, you seem a little nervous.”

  “I’m not naerfich, it’s just that I have something I wanted to talk to you about, but I’m afraid it’s going to come as a surprise.”

  “It might not be as much of a surprise as you might imagine,” she said as encouragingly as possible. “Why don’t you just ask me what you wanted to? After all, you are exactly right. We have known each other a long time.”

  “All right. Well, like I said, I came over here to talk to you about something.”

  “Yes?” She leaned forward a bit. Encouragingly.

  He met her eyes, frowned, then seemed to fixate upon a spot just above her head. “I wanted to talk to you about Mary Katherine Hershberger.”

  All day she’d been thinking about his visit. All day she’d been imagining what he would say, how he would look.

  How he would look at her.

  She had never imagined he would want to discuss another woman. “What about Mary Kate?”

  “I heard you were good friends with her.” His gaze drifted down. Found hers. Fastened on tight. “Is that true?”

  A sudden, horrible foreboding coursed through her as she began to realize why he’d come over. “Jah, that is true. I mean, as good friends as two people can be who just met a few months ago.” Feeling dread and a slow suspicion burning in her stomach, she stared. “Why?”

  For the first time he smiled. His smile lit up his face, highlighted his two perfect dimples. “Well, I’m interested in her, you see.” His voice brightened. “And the two times I’ve tried to talk to her haven’t gone so well. She seemed a little disinterested.”

  “Disinterested?”

  “Jah. Is she seeing someone that I’m not aware of?”

  Little by little, the true purpose of his visit sank in. He’d been thinking about Mary Kate, not her. He wanted to court Mary Kate. Not her. In the blink of an eye, she was a wallflower again.

  With effort, she pushed her disappointment away and answered him. “I don’t think Mary Kate is seeing anyone, Junior.”

  His brows rose. “Are you sure about that? I thought all women talked about things like that.”

  “Unfortunately, we have not.” She cleared her throat. “I don’t think Mary Kate is seeing someone, though she may have a man in her life I don’t know anything about.”

  “I doubt that,” he said, looking more than a little relieved. “Miriam, I’m hoping you can help me a bit. Maybe if Mary Kate sees that we’re friends, she’ll want to get to know me better.”

  “Are we friends, Junior?”

  “I would like to be.”

  He wanted to be her “freind.” In order to get another woman to notice him.

  This couldn’t be happening. Her parents were in the other room, practically planning her wedding. Her mother was going to be crushed when she discovered the true reason for Junior’s visit.

  But far more important than her mother’s reaction was the sharp sting of embarrassment that was flooding through her. She’d been sure that with age would come something else, something close to confidence, or at least that she’d be smarter.

  Instead, she’d allowed herself to become hopeful that her sweetest dream would come true.

  Junior’s neck turned red as the seconds passed. “Have I upset you? Joe told me asking you was a mighty bad idea.”

  “He did?” Joe had just risen in her estimation.

  “Jah. I’m, ah, sorry if you thought I came over here for another reason. If I gave you the wrong impression.”

  Oh, he had.

  But she’d taken that idea and run with it, practically telling the whole world that Junior had finally come courting. Why couldn’t she have kept her big mouth shut?

  “Joe said I shouldn’t bother you about Mary Kate, but I didn’t know who else to ask. Since she only moved to Sugarcreek recently, not too many people know her well. Except you.”

  Oh, but this was horrible. Now they both knew that she was disappointed. She needed to say something and soon!

  “I . . . ah, am surprised about your interest in Mary Kate,” she allowed. Then paused. Was so, so tempted to tell him to go get his own girlfriends.

  But where Junior Beiler was concerned, it seemed she couldn’t do anything but abuse herself. “But, of course, I’ll be happy to help you get to know her if I can.”

  The tense lines on his forehead relaxed. “You will? That’s great.” Leaning forward, he asked, “What do you think we should do?”

  Carefully pushing aside her misery, she said, “Maybe the three of us could sit together at lunch after church one day?”

  “She wouldn’t find that strange?”

  It wasn’t any stranger than him coming over to ask for her help with Mary Kate! “Nee . . . not if she thought we were friends.”

  “You’re right. And we are friends. Maybe even better friends now.” Looking like he’d just won a million dollars, he hopped to his feet. “Danke, Miriam,” he said as he gave her a little awkward pat on the shoulder. “I knew coming over here to talk to you about this was the right decision.”

  “I’m glad you came over,” she lied. Actually, at the moment, she couldn’t wait for him to leave. She needed space. Watching his hand hover over the plate of cookies, she handed him a napkin. “Please, take a couple of cookies home with you.”

  “You wouldn’t mind?”

  “Not at all.” She’d give him the plate if she could. Anything to move him on. “I, ah, bake a lot of cookies.”

  He grabbed three, folded them in the napkin, then strode to the door. “See you Sunndawk,” he said with a smile. “I’ll find you after the service.”

  She forced herself to return the happy look. “Yes! Sunday!”

  She kept the smile on her face as she closed the door behind him, while she dimmed the lights in the front room, and as she carried the two glasses back to the kitchen.

  Her mother was hovering by the kitchen counter when she entered. “I heard, Miriam,” she said
excitedly, practically pouncing on her. “He wants to see you on Sunday! I’m so thrilled for you. Junior is such a nice boy. Not every young man could take charge of a family the way he has.”

  There were two choices she could make. Either admit that Junior had no use for her, other than as a way to get her best friend’s attention.

  Or she could keep the bad news to herself.

  Only one of those options was going to give her any peace. “Jah. We are going to sit together for a bit after church.”

  “I’m so happy for you, daughter,” her father said. “I told your mother that it was only a matter of time before you had a caller. You were just a late bloomer, that’s all.”

  A headache was coming on. Due, no doubt, to the enormous effort it was taking to lie and conceal her true thoughts. “You were right, Daed. It was just a matter of time.”

  “Tomorrow, I’m going to call Teresa and let her know your news. Your sister’s been so worried about your lack of callers.” With a wry chuckle, her mother added, “Believe it or not, Teresa was actually starting to think something was wrong with you.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

  “Of course not. That little bit of extra weight you’ve been carrying hasn’t done you a bit of harm. Now that handsome Junior Beiler has set his sights on you, nothing is wrong at all!” Her mother pressed a slim, cool hand on her bare arm. “This is your time now, dear. Your time.”

  Miriam tried to smile. When she walked back into the front room, she saw the plate of cookies. Thought about her mother’s sly comment about her extra weight.

  Thought of Mary Kate’s naturally slim figure and quiet beauty.

  As she grabbed three cookies and walked upstairs, Miriam realized she’d rarely felt so helpless or empty.

  All her life, she’d done her best to do what was right. She worked. She was a dutiful daughter. She’d helped her friends prepare for their weddings. She’d tried to be a good friend to just about everyone.