Thank you for downloading this Simon & Schuster ebook.
Get a FREE ebook when you join our mailing list. Plus, get updates on new releases, deals, recommended reads, and more from Simon & Schuster. Click below to sign up and see terms and conditions.
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP
Already a subscriber? Provide your email again so we can register this ebook and send you more of what you like to read. You will continue to receive exclusive offers in your inbox.
To Venus, the Goddess of Love.
I’ll transcribe for you anytime.
And to my agent, Allison Hunter, and my editors, Christine Pride and Carina Guiterman, whose hard work, brilliance, and belief in this book made magic happen.
There’s nothing more powerful than true friendship.
—Amanda Yates Garcia, the Oracle of Los Angeles
PROLOGUE
June 14, 2012
Re: Ground Rules
Dear Everett,
Perhaps I’ve invited you to move into my spare bedroom against my better judgment. But while living with an ex-boyfriend is never a good idea, I really need the money. Last week Roscoe—that irascible little wiener dog—ate not one, but two pairs of my underwear (and my fancy thongs, at that)! The resulting $600 emergency room vet bill, combined with my barely-over-minimum-wage employment and sizable mortgage, has made a housemate a financial necessity.
When you called to report you were getting kicked out of your highly desirable backyard shack (a.k.a. the Bat Cave) because your landlady’s daughter called dibs, the perfect timing of our crises was like a sign from Venus. While normally I would have reservations about the possibility of a successful platonic roommate situation between former lovers, it’s been years since we broke up and we’ve been getting along great since reuniting as friends. So I have high hopes we can both handle this mutually beneficial (and temporary!) living arrangement.
But in order to set us up for the best possible success, I’ve taken it upon myself to establish some ground rules, which are as follows:
You Will Not:
1a. Try to hook up with me. (While I respect that you sometimes get melancholy for our time together as a couple, I need you to respect that hooking up with an ex is akin to a Fleetwood Mac reunion—comforting, but lacking the original energy and magic. We haven’t been a couple in four years, and this band isn’t getting back together!)
2a. Bring Brie or any other cheeses into my house. (As you know, I’m trying to dedicate myself to a vegan lifestyle, and dairy is my weakness.)
3a. Eat my food. (One of the few perks of being a deli maid at Whole Foods is my ability to liberate certain vegan-friendly leftover items from the deli. Unless I specifically offer, do not partake.)
4a. Wear those turquoise jogger pants. (I don’t care if pants with elastic ankles are “on trend.” They look ridiculous!)
5a. Bring a woman into my house. (While I, on some level, hope you will move on from our relationship and find love elsewhere, I still have boundaries.)
You Will:
1b. Help with the furballs. (I’m already giving you a friends-and-family discount on the rent. Given that generosity, I would hope that on occasion you would be willing to take Roscoe for a walk, give him his insulin shot, and scoop Charlize Theron’s litter box. And the furballs are clearly thrilled you are moving in—when you came by to unload your stuff this morning, Roscoe’s happy dance warmed my heart!)
2b. Keep your loom in your bedroom. (I love your weavings—your surrealist reimaginings of old-school, heavy-metal-band logos are my favs. But there just isn’t room in the living room for the clutter of a loom!)
3b. Leave the house if I ever have a man over. (I’ve got my eye on this scrumptious little snack and a half, Patrick, who works in the Beer Alley of Whole Foods. And it’s only a matter of time before I drum up the nerve to ask him out!)
4b. Keep your monologues about government conspiracies, chemtrails, and the likelihood that cell phones are (a) being monitored and (b) cause brain cancer, to an absolute minimum.
5b. Get a job. (I understand that while a resident of the Bat Cave, you often housesat for your landlady in exchange for free rent and a nightly dinner cooked by her personal chef. And sure, selling your weavings and doing a little dog walking on the side makes you some cash. But certainly it’s now time for you to re-enter the world of gainful employment. I know too well the challenges of finding work in this town, which is overrun with hipsters happy to slave away at low-wage coffee shop jobs to support their band life. But I believe in you! You can do it! Or you can leave!)
And most important:
6b. PAY YOUR RENT ON TIME. (I’d like your prorated June rent as soon as possible!)
While I was reluctant to have you move in with me, the truth is it’s surely better than renting the spare bedroom to some rando, which would upset the furballs. However, I am committed to keeping up my boundaries! I will not let your presence disrupt my state of “flow.” Strong communication will be essential to the success of our new platonic-roommate situation. Therefore, if I have any further issues to address with you in the weeks and months to come, I won’t hesitate to leave another note, right here on the kitchen table.
Your friend (without benefits),
Roxy
P.S. I should warn you about the tweakers in the yellow house next door. The darling old lady who owned it died six months ago and her awful son, Captain Tweaker, moved in. I’m almost positive he and his minions regularly cook meth in that rotting van parked on the curb. At least once a week they party loudly until dawn and chuck beer cans into my backyard. I try my best to ignore them and would advise you to do the same!
CHAPTER ONE
June 21, 2012
Dear Everett,
After what happened last night, I am now officially adding a new ground rule to the list. It’s one I failed to include previously as it should be intuitive.
Ground Rule 6a: YOU WILL NOT come into my bedroom if the door is closed.
I was already in a funk last night that it was summer solstice and I had not gathered with an interesting coven of female friends to celebrate the longest day of the year with a series of elaborate rites. Rather, I’d been moping around in my room, trying to find solace in the poetry of Alice Notley and a pint of vegan ice cream, and wondering why it is I spend so much time home alone. I’ve drifted apart from my college pals who, in my defense, have let themselves fall into lives of bourgeois pleasures and office drudgery. If I was painting and drawing, or making love to some hottie, it would be fine. But usually after my shift at the Whole Foods deli, I just head home to hang out with the furballs.
Nor can I seem to muster the energy to blast myself out of this funk. I can’t help but compare myself to Annie. I helped her get her job at the deli only six months ago, and already she has an interview for a position as assistant to Topher Doyle, the quirky CEO of Whole Foods. Don’t get confused by his C-suite acronym—Topher Doyle is not the Chief Executive Officer; he’s the Chief Ecosystem Officer, which is more like a CEO Lite in charge of supporting both the environment of this beautiful planet, the corporate culture of the company, and its “give back” initiatives. (While in theory, I want my friends to excel in life, in practice I don’t want Annie to leave me behind! And I can’t help but juxtapose Annie’s motivation and ambition with my current lack thereof. When I graduated from the University of Texas over five years ago, I thought in short order I would launch an impressive career as a visual artist. But after two years as a gopher at an uninspired gallery on the East Side, during which I almost starved to death, I took a “temporary” job as a deli maid. Three years later, I’m still there!)
After marinating for a time in my lost dreams, I decided to tak
e comfort in some self-pleasure. I had just taken off my pajamas, settled into bed with my purple merman vibrator, and opened my MacBook to read one of my favorite stories on literotica.com—written by the extremely prolific and rather kinky author Silky Raven—when you barged into my room WITHOUT KNOCKING. As my platonic roommate, I do NOT want you to see me naked, much less naked and masturbating!!! You scared the living crap out of me and more than ruined the mood. Thus I risked the insomnia-provoking blue light of my laptop without the narcoleptic effect of an orgasm to counter it.
Furthermore, you know I am terrified of spiders and yet not only did you come parading into my bedroom without invitation or warning, you did so shirtless, baring that sloppily rendered, yet very frightening stick-and-poke tattoo of a black widow. You tell me you cannot take back the past, or any decisions you made on that naval vessel sailing through hostile waters, but you can certainly put on a damn shirt! (Aha! Ground rule #7b: YOU WILL wear a shirt around the house!)
After I dove under the covers, you plunked yourself down on the edge of my bed, as if nothing had happened, and proceeded to tell me about how you signed up two new dogs for your fledgling dog-walking enterprise, a gigantic Rottweiler named Cuddles and a tiny Chihuahua named Biggie. Everett!!!! Boundaries, please! The episode clearly did not seem out of the ordinary to you, hence the need for me to explain in writing why your behavior was unacceptable!
When I invited you to live with me I was taking into consideration not only our romantic history, but also the abuse you suffered as a child, and the PTSD you incurred during your military service—during which you avoided the horrors of war, but not of toxic masculinity. I’ve had to reconsider this decision. First, the invitation was ultimately driven by my financial straits, and yet your prorated rent is a week late. Second, the fact that you’ve already been bringing home Brie wheels and encouraging me to eat them is a source of considerable frustration. (You know Brie gives me an acne beard!) Clearly you are trying to wreak havoc on my normally decent skin to the point where no other man will date me and I will be forced to get back together with you as a last resort. You have not declared your romantic intentions, but I could see them plainly in your desire to remain in the room with me and the purple merman! Everett, I need you to understand that when we finally reached the shore of our breakup after the tumultuous passage of our relationship, in my soul I burned the ship of our love to the ground once and for all. (As a former navy man, I hope this metaphor resonates with you without triggering your PTSD—it does pain me to compare myself to the cruel Hernán Cortés so rightly depicted as evil and syphilitic in much of the work of The Three Great Muralists.)
When I sat down to pen this letter, I had resolved to ask you to move out, but as I write, Roscoe is gazing up at me imploringly. That capricious little miniature dachshund loves you so much! (And you have been walking Roscoe every single day AND scooping Charlize Theron’s litter box—a gold star for ground rule #1b!) I can hardly bear to consider the furball moping that will follow your permanent exit from my house. While your presence here threatens to be a gigantic cockblock, ironically the fact that you sometimes administer Roscoe’s 8 p.m. insulin shot might actually allow me to someday go on a date with Patrick. So for now, my longtime friend, consider yourself on final warning.
Your EX-girlfriend,
Roxy
P.S. When are you going to return my backpack you borrowed? (This pilfering warrants a new rule #7a. YOU WILL NOT borrow my stuff. Hands off!)
June 24, 2012
Dear Everett,
It was one year ago today that Brant Bitterbrush abandoned me with hardly an explanation. He had promised lifelong fealty, he had sworn himself to be my soul mate, and then he was gone. Little did I know then that Brant Bitterbrush had an even worse betrayal in store for me, one that triggered my current state of artistic paralysis. Is it any wonder that my workday today, on this anniversary of my broken heart, was a total fiasco and may result in my termination?
My day was emotionally harrowing on so many levels! It all started when I was riding my bike to work. As I headed down Sixth Street, in the distance I could see the Waterloo Video sign had been taken down and replaced! As you know, I cried when Waterloo Video closed a few months ago. Sure, these days we can download any movie we want in an instant. But what a cheap and sterile replacement for wandering the grubby aisles of Waterloo Video, where the disgruntled staff members wrote loving recommendations (or warnings) on Post-its adhered to each video. When Brant Bitterbrush and I were still a couple, every time we wanted to rent a video we would spend a good hour in Waterloo, passing especially hilariously reviewed video boxes to each other. The last time Brant and I were there together—just over a year ago—I considered renting the Coen brothers’ film “The Ladykillers.” I picked up the box and the note read: “Put this down and go wash your hands immediately—you are holding a piece of shit.”
Just as my love for Brant Bitterbrush was not enough to keep us together, my appreciation for Waterloo Video, a true cultural institution, was not enough to keep the store open. Until today, I held great hope an establishment worthy of the location’s storied history would take its place. Perhaps a tiny brewpub or vintage clothing store would move in. Even a funky greeting card stand would not have raised my ire. So long as a local store took over the space. As you know, that intersection of Sixth Street and Lamar Boulevard has always been a bastion of quirky local culture and business—BookPeople, Whole Foods (which, though now well on its way to becoming an international behemoth, was, not so very long ago, just a single tiny health-food store), Waterloo Ice House, Waterloo Records. The intersection was a haven of everything truly and uniquely Austin.
So as I peddled by on my twenty-four-inch cruiser on my way to work—sweating in this boiling heat (whose only blessing is to keep every Californian on the planet from moving to this city, which was so recently a Shangri-la)—I almost biked into the street when the new sign hanging over those once hallowed doors came into full view: COMING SOON: LULULEMON. Yes, it’s true. A Lululemon store—destined to sell overpriced workout gear to trophy wives whose sole job is to attend Pure Barre and keep it tight—will open in the space formerly occupied so well by Waterloo Video. Is this glorious town we live in selling its quirky, beautiful soul to the highest corporate bidder? It seems so.
That store’s arrival is a symbol of the sort of change that will price us all out of this town. Sure, I had the good luck to inherit $35,000 from my grandma and the good sense to use it as a down payment on my little house. But I can practically hear my property taxes growing as I write. And what about the artists and musicians and deli maids I hold dear—where else would they go? If you look at a map of Texas, it’s clear there is no other livable option.
Dizzied by grief at this unexpected development—and perhaps a little addled by the 105-degree heat—I arrived at Whole Foods. Instead of eight hours behind the fogged glass of the deli case, per usual, I’d agreed to cover Annie’s shift on samples while she had her interview with Whole Foods CEO Lite Topher Doyle. But first, I had to take a quick stroll down Beer Alley—a morning ritual during which I try to spot the scrumptious Patrick—but alas there was no sighting of my crush. I hurried to the deli to prep for my shift.
I put on my apron and unwrapped and microwaved some gag-inducing frozen tuna burger. Jason and Nelson came by to comment on how disgusting it looked and offer me sympathy about having to work samples for a whole shift. (Aside from Annie, they are probably my favorite coworkers in the deli. Jason is a passionate spray-paint-graffiti artist. Nelson surely has interests of his own, but I always just think of him as Jason’s sidekick.) They helped me haul a sample table out to Bakery, where I set out my tray of morally repulsive morsels. Is there anything more humiliating than handing out microscopic snacks to strangers? I hate standing behind a bunch of wasteful mini-sample cups, smiling and offering a nibble to every passerby as if I’m some sort of culinary streetwalker. But it was for dear Annie so there I lu
rked, right around the corner from the three-foot-tall burbling chocolate fountain and beside a giant display of boxed crumb cake.
Dirty Steve came by right away to check on me. “Are you keeping a smile on your face, Poxy Roxy?” he asked. (Right after I started working at the deli, I contracted adult chickenpox. That’s when Steve made up that hideous moniker! He’s never let it go.)
I gestured at the display of crumb cake. “If I was handing out crumb cake, at least I could cheer myself by snacking on the samples.”
“I always put vegans like you and Annie on meat samples. It cuts down on ‘unexplained product loss.’ ” Dirty Steve seemed to take great pleasure in making air quotes.
“Touché,” I replied, as Dirty Steve lumbered off to harass some of his other employees.
Everett, for three hours I was the poster child of Sample Grrrls—grinning, nodding, offering tiny freebies, mostly to ritzy women who circle the store eyeing one another, convinced they must stay vigilant or miss a crucial fashion trend. These hideous trophy wives treated me as if I was an extension of their help—invisible only as long as I did not displease them. I was entertained when two cops came in for their usual lunch and every deli maid with a warrant out for his arrest (i.e., Jason and Nelson) ran out the back door to hide in the alley. I was also cheered by the occasional broke musician cruising the sample stand multiple times with the overt casualness of the seasoned “sample abuser.” I could at least offer them a human wink and receive a grateful nod in return. Like me, they probably suffer as wage slaves at underpaid and unfulfilling jobs. Like me, life has trampled their artistic dreams. Like me, perhaps they are platonically shacked up with an ex to keep a roof over their heads.
Then this guy sort of just appeared in front of me. He had a fit bod, tousled, indie-rocker hair, and totally cute dimples that I could see even under his Clive Owen stubble. He wore jeans (not skinny, thank Goddess) and a tight black T-shirt. The outline of the state of Texas was tattooed on his forearm. He was the kind of good-looking that told me he’d probably never had to bother to learn how to be good in bed. Definitely a musician. “Yeah! Crumb cake,” he said. By the way he smiled at me, I might have been the crumb cake. But somehow it wasn’t cheesy or icky. It was nice. (Everett, perhaps you don’t want to hear about my moment of connection with a stranger. But until you pay up, too bad!)
The Roxy Letters Page 1