“You can’t even feel that hand anymore,” Owen said conversationally. “It’s a dead hand. Just kind of a slab of meat lying there. Can you tell that?”
Sawyer nodded slowly. “That’s weird.” He laughed a little.
Owen laughed with him. “It is a little strange, isn’t it? But it’s completely dead. Just numb and flat and unfeeling. Try and move it.”
Sawyer’s eyes widened. “I can’t.”
“That’s right, you can’t. Because it’s a dead hand. You can’t feel anything in it. It’s completely numb.” Owen’s voice made it sound as if it were the most normal thing on the earth. “Give me your left hand.”
Sawyer held it out. Owen put the knife, handle first, into Sawyer’s hand.
“You’d be happy to cut off your ring finger at the knuckle, wouldn’t you?” said Owen.
Sawyer considered for a second, then nodded. “Sure.”
“You’d be quite happy to do that.”
“Oh, yeah.” Sawyer seemed as if he was talking about the weather.
But Nora was horrified. She couldn’t get to her feet, fine. She scooted for Owen as quickly as she could. Of course, she made a lot of noise, so it wasn’t like he didn’t know she was coming.
Owen knelt down behind her. Gripping her shoulders, he pulled her to her feet. He wrapped his arms around her, her tied hands trapped between their bodies. He brushed her hair away from her cheek and rested his chin on her shoulder. “Watch, Nora.”
Owen raised his voice. “Well, then, just go ahead and do that. Take a knife and just make a nice clean chop right through the knuckle of your ring finger.”
“No.” But Nora was whispering.
Sawyer surveyed his hand. He rearranged his other fingers so that they weren’t in the way of his ring finger. He had to do it with his left hand, because he couldn’t move the right hand. Then he lifted the knife.
“That’s right,” said Owen. “Just go right ahead and cut that off. Just like chopping up dead meat.”
“Don’t do it.” Nora struggled, but Owen held her tight.
Sawyer brought the knife up.
Then down.
Nora screamed.
“Very good,” said Owen. “That was easy, wasn’t it? It didn’t hurt, did it? And there’s no blood.”
“Didn’t hurt at all,” said Sawyer. “I can’t believe it’s not bleeding.”
Nora looked down at the coffee table. The top of Sawyer’s finger was bisected from the bottom. But all of his hand’s flesh was ghostly white. Pasty. No blood was seeping out of the wound.
“It will hurt soon enough,” said Owen. “When I release you, you’ll feel a lot of pain. But since we can’t have you getting an infection...” Owen handed Sawyer a lighter.
* * *
The smell of burning skin lingered in the room. Sawyer sat on the couch, clutching his wounded hand. He hadn’t spoken since Owen left.
Owen had taken the knife. He had untied Nora, leaving her a huddled mass of sobs.
She was still crying.
She didn’t think there could ever be enough crying to make it better. But her traitorous body’d had enough. Her tears were already slowing, her sobs coming farther and farther apart. As the crying abated, she started to feel better. She didn’t want to feel better. There was nothing remotely good about the situation. Once, she had read somewhere that crying released a chemical into the body that helped to calm someone. That was happening to her now. It was physical, biological. But she didn’t want to feel better. She didn’t want to feel calm. She didn’t deserve it. What had happened to Sawyer was her fault.
Sawyer spoke from the couch, his voice hoarse. “We have to get out of here.”
Nora scrambled up onto the couch next to him. “It was my fault. I made him mad, so he hurt you. He told me he would. But I didn’t listen. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.”
Sawyer looked haggard. He grimaced a little. “Don’t let him make you do that. Don’t let him make you blame yourself. He did this. It had nothing to do with you.”
Nora hiccuped. Sometimes crying a lot did that to her. “How can you even be worried about me when you’re in so much pain?”
Sawyer twisted his face into something that Nora thought was supposed to be a smile. “It’s not so bad. At least it didn’t hurt while it was happening.”
“You don’t have to be brave. Not for me.”
“For myself, then.” He managed something that more closely resembled a smile this time. He took a shaky breath. “No, this is good. This whole experience has put things in perspective. Back in Helicon, I thought the worst thing that had ever happened to me was somehow developing a crush on you when you only wanted Agler. Now I know better.”
Nora got up off the couch. He was bringing this up now? She didn’t look at him. “We really should focus on getting out of here. We don’t need to talk about that stuff.” It all seemed like ancient history, things that had been important in another world.
“I was only trying to look at the bright side. Wait. You knew? You knew I had feelings for you?”
Had. He’d said “had.” As in, past tense. Of course he wouldn’t anymore. Caring about her had made him lose his finger. She didn’t look at him. “When Agler talked to me, he reminded me of why Jack broke up with you. And after our conversation about you not being gay, it was sort of obvious.” She took a deep breath. “Anyway, like you said, perspective, right? Now that all this has happened, you’re over it. We’ve got to find a way to get away from Owen.”
“Yeah. We do. But back up a second.”
Why was he drawing this out? She whipped back around to face him. “What’s the point? We were both temporarily insane. It all seems like a hundred years ago, anyway. He made you cut off your own finger, and you weren’t even upset by it.” The horror of it ran fresh through her. She was too disgusted to cry again, but she wanted to.
“Never mind my finger.” Sawyer stood up too. “Did you say the word, ‘both’?”
“Never mind it? Sawyer, it’s gone. He took it. He made you— Look at your—” Nora put her palms on either side of her head and pushed. It was too much to process. She could not handle living in this reality.
Sawyer used his good hand to gently pry her hands away from her face. “Hey. You can’t let him make you go to pieces. That’s what he wants.”
Nora was having trouble breathing. “How can you be so calm? Your finger is gone.”
“I guess it’s probably shock,” said Sawyer. He swallowed. “And I can’t stand seeing you this upset. I feel like I have to make it better.”
“You don’t. I should make you feel better.” She shuddered. “After what I did to you, I—”
“Nora!” He took her by the chin and forced her to look at him. “Do not blame yourself. That is what he wants. Don’t give in.”
She threw herself back on the couch.
“About that ‘both’ word,” said Sawyer.
What was he even talking about? Nora stared up at him in confusion.
He sat down next to her. “What did you mean?”
What had they been talking about? Oh. Right. Generally, it would be embarrassing to talk about this, but under the circumstances, she didn’t care. “I had this moment where I realized that I’d been attracted to you for a long time, but that I was afraid to admit it to myself, because I always thought you were off-limits. But none of it matters now, because you don’t feel that way about me anymore.”
“I don’t?”
“How could you, after what just happened to you?”
Sawyer lifted up his wounded hand. “This?”
“Yes.” She turned away so that she wouldn’t have to look at it.
He winced from having moved it so quickly and lowered it. “It doesn’t have anything to do with you, or with the way I feel about you.”
“You shouldn’t feel anything about me. You shouldn’t like me.”
“Because you don’t see me as anything other than a friend,�
� said Sawyer.
“No, because it’s dangerous to be around me. Because Owen hurts people I care about.”
“Yeah,” said Sawyer looking down at his hand. “I got the memo.”
“Don’t joke about it.”
“Don’t you get it, Nora? I realize that if I had never gotten close to you in the first place, that this would never have happened to me. But your sicko ex-boyfriend just forced me to cut off my own finger, and it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. So no matter how many skirts I wear, that should count for something.”
Nora looked into his eyes. “I like your skirts. I like the way you look when you wear them.” She touched his face. “This has nothing to do with your skirts. I meant it when I said you shouldn’t have to change for someone. I don’t want you to dress like a guy. I’m attracted to you dressing like you. In all honesty, it’s a little new for me, but I actually think it’s kind of sexy, and—”
Sawyer kissed her.
It was a kiss like before, like last year, brief and sweet, their lips only meeting for a few seconds.
When it was over, Nora said, “Oh.”
“You were, um, saying that I was... sexy, and so I thought that if I did that, maybe... I’m sorry. Maybe I misunderstoo—”
She interrupted him by leaning across the couch and putting her lips on his.
Sawyer shrieked. “Watch the hand,” he gasped.
She pulled back, horrified. “I’m sorry.”
He cringed. “No, it’s okay. It just got trapped between us at this angle... But it’s okay. It doesn’t hurt anymore...”
They stared at each other in stupid silence for several seconds.
Sawyer cleared his throat. “This is awkward.”
She nodded. “Yeah, a little.” She chewed on her lip. “But, um, it seems like it shouldn’t be. We’re best friends, and usually, we’re completely comfortable around each other.”
“Right,” said Sawyer. “Right.” He was quiet for a second. “So, when I kissed you, was it bad?”
“No,” said Nora. “It was... short.”
He grinned. “Should we try it again? Longer this time?”
She inched forward. “Is your hand...?”
“It’s not in the way.” He gently laid his mangled hand in his lap. With his good hand, he reached for her, cupping her neck and pulling her close. His lips found hers. This time the kiss was quite thorough. It cut through Nora like a wave of warm ocean water, crashing and frothing over her entire body, pulling her into an ancient rhythm of movement. Their tongues were the tide, and Nora was so lost in kissing Sawyer, she felt as if the kiss would go on eternally.
It didn’t, but it did last for quite some time.
“So, um, that went okay for me,” Sawyer whispered.
She laughed. “I think we might need to keep at it. Just to be sure...”
* * *
They were in the room all day with no food. They occupied themselves with kissing and talking about how they were going to get out of this mess. They formulated a plan for what they were going to do when Owen came back into the room. Nora was going to stand behind the door. When Owen came in, she was going to smash him over the head with the coffee table. But when Owen did come back in, they were both asleep.
It was Nora’s fault. Sawyer had offered to stay awake and keep her company, but she had insisted that he get some rest. He had said he wouldn’t be able to sleep, because it hurt so bad. But he did fall asleep.
Afterwards, Nora thought she would stay awake because she had so much to think about. She and Sawyer had kissed. A lot of kissing. With tongue. It wasn’t the kind of kissing you could pass off as friend kissing. It was pretty clearly romantic. If she wanted, she could blame it on stress. After all, they were in a horrific situation. It didn’t seem that far off base to think that they might want comfort. She considered if that was all it was.
She knew it wasn’t.
She had never really thought about kissing Sawyer before, so she hadn’t formed any expectations. Still, she was surprised that kissing Sawyer was just like kissing anybody else. Well, that wasn’t exactly right. Obviously, kissing Sawyer was different. He was Sawyer. He wasn’t any of the people she had kissed before. But she supposed some part of her had thought that kissing Sawyer wouldn’t be the same as kissing other guys. But Sawyer was a person, and kissing him wasn’t strange or weird. It was nice.
And they were already such close friends. In some ways, she and Sawyer were even closer than she and Maddie were, because she and Sawyer had been through so much together. They would be good together. If they ever got away from Owen, they would, anyway.
She told herself she needed to stay focused, because Owen could come through the door any minute. That was her last thought before she drifted off to sleep.
She woke up to the sound of Owen setting the coffee table back up in front of the couch. She’d fallen asleep and missed her chance to brain him. She silently cursed herself.
Owen set a bag of fast-food breakfast on the table. “Eat up,” he said cheerily.
Sawyer jerked awake then, covering his eyes in fear. Then he whimpered. He’d moved his hurt hand.
Owen laughed. “If you look into my eyes, I can make that feel all better.”
Sawyer appeared to be considering it. Then he growled, “Not a chance.”
Owen shrugged. “I’ve gotten everything ready for our trip to Avalon. So make sure you eat. You’ll need energy.”
“Trip to Avalon?” said Sawyer.
“Guess Nora got too distracted to fill you in,” said Owen. He reached into the bag and fished out a tater tot. “We’re going to kill Nimue.”
* * *
Avalon looked the same. The air was still gold, the trees were still full of golden apples. Nora had half-hoped they’d get there at night and one of the wolves would eat Owen. But it was day time. Shiny, golden daytime.
They arrived in a sprawling mass on the ground. Traveling by dimension device didn’t provide for the softest of landings. Owen had Nora and Sawyer tied to each other, and tied to his belt, “just in case you try anything stupid,” he said. They were tangled up in the rope, and it took several minutes to stand up. When they were on their feet, Sawyer nudged Nora.
She looked at him, and he nodded down at his bound hands. He had a flat, sharp rock grasped in his good hand. He used it to saw at the rope.
Nora could see the rope start to fray a little. Her heart leapt. They might be able to get untied.
“What are you two doing back there?” Besides the dimension device, Owen had brought a big bag, roughly the size and shape of a small suitcase. He had been fiddling with it, but now gave them a steely glance.
“Nothing,” said Nora.
Owen glared at the both of them for a minute. “You better not be up to something.”
“We’re tied up,” Nora said.
“Let’s go.” Owen marched them out onto the path that ran to the ocean. There he stopped them and opened up his case. He seemed to be in a better mood now that they were out of the apple trees. He hummed to himself as he took out bottles filled with oddly-colored liquid.
Nora looked over at Sawyer. He busy with the sharp rock, making progress. The rope was definitely fraying.
“I spent quite a long time here in Avalon,” Owen said more to himself than anything.
But Nora thought it might be best to keep him talking. If he was distracted, he was less likely to see what Sawyer was doing. She remembered what the sisters had told her. “Hundreds of years.”
Owen shot her a funny look. “Can’t have been that long. I was three when I left.”
Nora spoke loudly, hoping he wouldn’t look at Sawyer. “People don’t age properly here. The sisters told us that when we were here in the summer.”
“Oh, you met the sisters?” asked Owen. “They’re so funny aren’t they? Old ladies by day, young women by night.” He hummed a little. He was clearly having a good time. “Did they talk about me?”
> How far had Sawyer gotten? She stole a look. He’d nearly gone the whole way through the rope. “They said that Nimue drilled into you how important it was to find her a muse child. They said she did it for hundreds of years and that you stayed three years old the entire time.”
A cloud passed over Owen’s face. “Is that what she did to me?” he murmured.
All this talk of Nimue was starting to make Nora think about things other than getting away from Owen. What exactly was it that the sisters had said? And what did it mean? Suddenly, something clicked inside Nora’s head. “She wanted me, Owen, not you. She made you obsessed with me. And we’re not here to kill her. You’re bringing me to her, whether you know it or not. I remembered her saying something, when you forced me to remember the tower. It’s always been about me. She wants me. Let’s leave, Owen. Don’t try and find her—”
“Shut up.” Owen glared at her. “She didn’t make me want you. I’d never do anything she wanted.” He uncapped the bottles.
“Owen, it’s subconscious. Please stop.” She knew it was true. Owen had been programmed by Nimue. He’d fought it before, but it was getting to him now. Nimue wanted a muse child, and she knew that all she had to do was wait. Eventually, Owen would bring one to her.
Sawyer pressed something into her hand. It was the rock. She looked at his hands. He’d looped the rope around them to make it look as if he were still tied up, but he was free. He was waiting for her to cut her rope.
“Don’t say anything else, or Sawyer will be taking the knife to himself again the minute we get back.”
Nora fidgeted with the rock, trying to get it into a good position to cut. It bit into the skin of her hand.
Ouch. She gritted her teeth to keep from making a noise.
Owen picked up two of the bottles and spilled a little of their contents on the ground. “Reveal to me that which I seek. Reveal to me that which is hidden.”
For a brief moment, the landscape of Avalon was filled with all manner of strange things. She saw the sisters’ house, smoke pouring from the chimney. She saw huge, green dragons in and among the apple trees. Unicorns grazed next to the path. The tree trunks didn’t look like trees, but instead women made of bark, their arms raised, fingers tangled in leafy hair. Large butterflies capered in the air. The ground was squirming with tiny men, all raising their fists in outrage.
The Helicon Muses Omnibus: Books 1-4 Page 58