by Gerri Hill
Lindsey held her hand up. “Hannah, we don’t need to talk about this.”
“No?” She reached out, taking Lindsey’s hand. “Are you attracted to me, Lindsey?”
Lindsey had a panicked look on her face. “No! Of course not. I mean…you’re Jack’s mother. He…I would…I mean—”
Hannah squeezed her hand, stopping her disjointed sentence. “It’s okay to tell me the truth.”
Lindsey shook her head. “Look…yes, we’ve grown closer. I know that. But I’m…I’m…you’re—”
“Lindsey, it’s a simple question that requires a yes or no answer. I don’t need an explanation one way or the other. Please, just tell me.”
She saw Lindsey swallow, could feel her nervousness. “Yes. Yes, I am.”
Hannah nodded. Yes. She was surprised at how thankful she was that the answer was yes and not no. She released Lindsey’s hand, leaning her head back to look into the blue sky, a sky that had a smattering of clouds floating around.
“My roommate in college, she wanted me to go out with her. Like…on a date,” she said. “We lived together for two semesters. But I had already met James, we were dating.” She looked over at Lindsey. “I hadn’t thought about her in a really long time. But now…well, I think back on her and us living together and I wonder—if I hadn’t met James—would I have gone out with her?” She shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know.” She cleared her throat. “I’m attracted to you too. I’m not sure what to do about it. I don’t know where to put it. I don’t know if it’s just everything that’s happened to me, to you. I don’t know if that’s what pulled us together.”
She shrugged again. “I don’t know. We’ve gotten so close this summer, but is that all it is?” She held Lindsey’s gaze. “I see you like this…in your bikini top. I see you when we’re skinny-dipping…and…” She smiled. “Well, I have…inappropriate thoughts,” she admitted with a laugh. “And please don’t ask me to tell you what they are.”
Lindsey gave a quiet laugh too. “Are we…are we really talking about this?”
“Yes. I think so. I think we need to talk about it. We can keep pretending that there’s nothing here,” she said, motioning between them. “But we’d be lying. I’m not blind, Lindsey. I’ve seen the way you look at me.” When a blush lit Lindsey’s face, Hannah grabbed her arm. “No, I didn’t mean to embarrass you. It’s just…I see that. And if you can’t see the same when I look at you…”
“I have. I just didn’t know if it was real or not.”
“I don’t know if it’s real,” she said honestly. “I don’t know anything. I just know…being with you makes me happier than not being with you. This weekend—in San Antonio—was endless.” She let her hand rub against Lindsey’s arm. “And in case you haven’t noticed, I like to touch you. That scares me.”
Lindsey smiled. “I have noticed. It scares me too.”
Hannah returned her smile, letting their fingers entwine. “I’m glad we talked about it. I don’t know if it did any good or what purpose it served, but at least it’s out there in the open.” She tightened her fingers. “I don’t want things to change between us, Lindsey. I don’t want you to be guarded. I don’t want you to think that everything you do, say, that I’ll take the wrong way. Or me…I don’t want us to change. I need your friendship most of all. I need what we have right now. I just don’t know if I need more. If you need more.”
“Hannah—”
“It scares the hell out of me. Jack…what would Jack think? What would he do?”
“Let’s don’t go there,” Lindsey said. “Maybe we were just drawn together because of our grief. We healed together. Maybe we’re reading too much into it.”
“You think so?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?”
Hannah nodded. “Maybe so. Maybe that’s all it is.” Then she smiled. “The fact that you look fabulous in a bikini—and better out of it—has nothing to do with it.”
Lindsey laughed. “Well, perfect breasts and all,” she teased.
Hannah squeezed her fingers again. “I love that we can talk about this. Can tease about it. But I don’t know—”
“Neither of us knows, Hannah. If it happens, it happens.”
“And that’s okay with you?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I need you in my life. But if I need more…and you can’t give me more…then I don’t know. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”
Hannah said nothing, thinking, yes, that was the logical thing to do. If—when—the situation arose, they would deal with it then. She had a fear that it would be upon them sooner, rather than later.
Chapter Forty-Four
Lindsey held her hands up. “What’s the problem?”
“I can’t do it. It’ll be a belly buster like Jack.”
“When you’re over the water, push off the rope with your feet. Do a flip.”
“I’m old,” Hannah complained. “You’re going to laugh.”
“I’m not going to laugh. If you hurt yourself, I’ll come rescue you.”
“Well, I would hope so.”
At that, Lindsey did laugh. “I’ve done it three times. It’s easy.”
“You’re an athlete.”
“I’m not an athlete. I had a desk job.”
“Yes, but I’ve seen you naked and your body begs to differ.”
Lindsey put her hands on her hips. “Why, Hannah Larson, have you been peeking at me when we skinny-dip?”
“You know I have.” Hannah let the rope slip from her hands and she walked closer. “Do you have any idea how adorable you are?”
“Like…irresistible?”
The levity between them suddenly vanished as Hannah met her gaze. “I’ve…I’ve never kissed a woman before,” she whispered. Lindsey stared at her, not backing away. When she thought it would be sooner rather than later, she had no idea it would take only two days.
“Hannah…” Lindsey warned.
“What? Too soon?”
Lindsey nodded, then grabbed her arms and ran with her to the edge of the deck, throwing them both into the water. Hannah came up sputtering.
“Oh, God! You did not just do that!”
“You were about to kiss me.”
“And?”
“And when we kiss, it’s not going to be out here at the river.”
Hannah swam into shallower water and stood. “I’ve lost my mind. I’ve completely lost my mind.”
“How so?”
“It’s all I think about.”
“What?”
“You. Kissing you.” She paused. “Other stuff.”
“I think about it too.”
“Then why haven’t you done it already?”
Lindsey came up to her, her hands resting on Hannah’s hips. She pulled her closer. “Is this where you want to do it? The first time? In the river?”
“Yes. I don’t care.”
Lindsey smiled. “That bad, huh?”
“You’re teasing me. I’m being serious.”
“I’m trying to hold on to sanity.”
“You think I’m not ready?”
“Two days ago you weren’t. What’s changed?”
Hannah slammed the water with both fists. “I hate that you’re being so mature about this.”
“Hannah…”
“I know. I know. You’re right.” She took a step away from Lindsey. “Quit being so damn adorable then.”
Lindsey leaned closer, her smiling eyes twinkling. “Never.”
Oh…God, she is adorable. And I want to kiss her.
But Lindsey took her hand and led her to shore. “Come on. Try the flip again.”
Chapter Forty-Five
“I can’t believe it’s raining,” Jack complained. “Do you think it’ll rain tomorrow?”
“What? It’s not supposed to rain on a Saturday?”
“No. We have a play day.”
“You should be worried about me and Max. We have to cross the creek in this
mess and drive the Mule back.”
“I can drive you around,” Hannah offered.
“Oh, it’s not that bad. Not much more than a light drizzle.”
“What are we gonna do if it rains tomorrow?”
“If it’s raining, we’ll call Aaron’s mother and cancel. We can do it another time,” she said.
“But…we don’t have much time left. It’ll be fall soon.”
“Honey, I’m sorry.” And she was. Jack had made a friend at school and he wanted to bring him over for a play day in the river. It’s all he’d talked about all week.
Lindsey and Jack were on the sofa and she put an arm around his shoulders. “If it doesn’t rain, we’ll go out like we planned. We’ll play at the rope and we’ll do a short float trip. And we’ll go to my place and do burgers. If it’s raining just a little, we can still play at the rope swing. We’ll be right there at my parents’ cabin in case it gets worse.”
Jack’s expression turned serious. “Do you ever go in there?” he asked quietly.
Hannah was surprised the question didn’t seem to affect Lindsey. She gave Jack a small smile. “Not much. I’m going to get it cleaned out this winter, I guess. For as much as we go to the rope swing, we could use that place instead of going all the way back to the house.”
“We can help you,” he offered.
“Yeah?”
Lindsey looked over at her and she nodded. “Yes.”
Lindsey leaned back with a sigh. “I have a lot to do. My grandparents’ house…there’s so much stuff in there that needs to go. I’ve pretty much been living in the kitchen, bedroom and bath only,” she said. “Even the bedroom…it’s still got some of their stuff in there.”
“Did you bring anything with you?” she asked.
“Clothes. A few books. My laptop.” Lindsey looked at her. “I got rid of everything that I had in Dallas. Most of my personal things, things that meant the most to me, I kept at my parents’ cabin. I had my own room there.”
Hannah wondered why, when Lindsey moved out here, she went to her grandparents’ house instead of the room she used to use. Maybe most of her memories were there. From what she’d learned, their family gatherings were held on the deck at the big house. Maybe Lindsey felt closest to them there. But yes, when she was ready to clean out their rooms, she and Jack would be there with her. That was no chore to do alone, as she could attest.
“I should get going,” Lindsey said as she stood up. “Thank you for dinner.”
Hannah got up too. “Salmon patties on a Friday night. Nothing special.”
“Are you kidding? That homemade mac and cheese was sinful.”
Hannah smiled. Lindsey and Jack both had three helpings of the stuff. She figured Lindsey would like it as much as Jack did.
Lindsey tousled Jack’s hair. “See you tomorrow, buddy.”
“Good night, Lindsey.” He stood up and gave her a quick hug, then went back to the corner of the sofa. He looked up at her. “Can I watch TV for a little bit?”
“Sure. I’m going to walk Lindsey out. I’ll be right back.”
He nodded, but he was already flipping through channels.
“I don’t let him watch TV much on school nights,” she explained as they went into the kitchen.
“I’m not much of a TV watcher myself,” Lindsey said. She opened the back door and the dogs ran out. “Well…I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. Call me when Aaron gets here and I’ll come pick you up.”
Hannah nodded. “I hope it doesn’t rain. Jack will be so disappointed.”
“Yeah. We’ll find something to do.”
Their eyes met and they both hesitated. The good-bye hug was getting harder and harder to take. At least for her. There was no pretense from either of them that it was only a friendly hug. They were well beyond that. Still, it was all they’d allowed themselves—the hug.
Lindsey walked out onto the porch and Hannah followed. She closed the door behind them. The drizzle had turned into a misty rain and the damp air was cool around them.
“Good night, Hannah,” Lindsey said quietly from the edge of the porch.
The light from the kitchen window was too faint for her to make out Lindsey’s expression, but her voice sounded different. It sounded as if Lindsey was tormented…aching. Hannah went to her, sliding her hands up her arms and around her shoulders. Lindsey pulled her close. She knew immediately that this hug would not be like their usual good-bye hugs. She pressed her body as close as she could get to Lindsey. Their breasts were touching, their hips were touching…their thighs. It was as if—even though they weren’t kissing—their bodies were. Hannah couldn’t stop herself. She shifted, moving her hips ever so slightly. She heard Lindsey gasp, heard her own breath catch.
“God…” Hannah breathed.
Their mouths were only a fraction apart. Hannah knew that was the defining moment. If they were alone…if Jack wasn’t in the house, there would be no more holding back. She literally ached to kiss Lindsey, ached to touch her. If they were alone, this would be the very moment that their relationship changed for good.
But they weren’t alone and Jack was in the house. It took all of her willpower to turn away from those lips that were so near. She pulled back, separating them. They didn’t speak. What would they say? There was no sound but their uneven breathing. And all of that from a hug.
Lindsey turned and walked down the steps, whistling for Max. Hannah walked down the steps, grabbing Barney by the collar when he would have followed. She stood there in the light rain, watching Lindsey disappear into the woods, then she went back on the porch. She paused once, turning back around, looking out into the night, then went back inside the kitchen.
She stood there, her eyes wide. It was a hug. It was the most intimate hug she’d ever had. And she knew that there would be no going back from it. But the weekend was here, and they’d have no time alone. How were they going to face each other after that? What would they say? And come Monday, when they would be alone…then what?
“Oh, God,” she murmured.
* * *
Lindsey stood at the edge of the deck, watching the lightning streak across the sky. Rain was something they’d seen little of this summer, and she hoped the thunderstorms building would drift this way, enough for a shower or two. And of course be gone by morning so Jack could have his play day.
She sipped from her wine, enjoying the cool night air. The earlier rain had stopped completely by the time she’d gotten home, but the radar on her phone showed strong storms to their south. She went to her chair and sat down, ignoring the dampness of it. She leaned back and closed her eyes, still able to feel Hannah pressed against her. So close. They’d been so close, it was like she could feel every inch of Hannah’s body. And so close to kissing. So close, it was painful.
Now what? Had they crossed the line with that hug? Would Hannah pull away from her? Or would she go forward? Would they take this…this thing between them to the next level? Or would it be different between them? Strained? Uncomfortable?
She had no answers. She knew what she wanted the answer to be, of course. She knew what she wanted that hug to mean.
But in the light of day, would it be the same?
Chapter Forty-Six
Hannah had been afraid that things would be a little…well, a little tense between them today, but she needn’t have worried. Lindsey was her normally cheerful self when she picked them up and she was entertaining the boys on the rope swing like nothing out of the ordinary had happened last night. She wasn’t certain what to make of that. Maybe the hug hadn’t affected Lindsey like it had her. Maybe Lindsey hadn’t spent a sleepless night, tossing and turning, her body making demands that she felt she could no longer deny.
God.
She spun her float around, her back to them. She couldn’t get the damn hug out of her mind. No. It wasn’t the hug. It was the feeling of being so close to Lindsey that she couldn’t shake. It was that moment of certainty, that moment when she reali
zed that the desire was real. It was a physical, emotional yearning that was weighing heavy on her today. How could she possibly deny it?
But how could she possibly give in to it? Because if she gave in to it, then everything would change. Her life would be flipped upside down. And then Jack’s would. Could she even seriously contemplate having a sexual affair with Lindsey?
She turned her head, watching Lindsey on the deck trying to show Aaron how to flip off the rope. She looked like she always did…bikini top and water shorts. After their skinny-dipping sessions, it didn’t take much imagination to picture Lindsey naked, without her top. So yes, she could envision a sexual affair with Lindsey. She already had envisioned it. But something told her it wouldn’t be an affair. She and Lindsey were both too emotionally invested for that. Maybe that’s what made her hesitate. She was already in too deep. If they went forward with this…and it didn’t work out, then she was the one who stood to be hurt, not just Lindsey.
“Hey, Mom! Watch!”
Aaron and Jack were both on the rope at the same time and Lindsey pulled them back, then gave them a push out over the water. Jack, like usual, did a Tarzan yell before hitting the water. Aaron seemed like a nice boy and she could tell he was enjoying himself. It was good for Jack, she knew, to spend some time with someone his own age.
“Can I join you?”
She smiled at Lindsey. “Of course.”
The boys went back to the deck for another jump, and she and Lindsey floated away from them to avoid their splashing.
“Do we need to talk?”
Hannah was surprised by the quiet question. Lindsey had given no indication that she was unsettled by last night. Or was the question for her benefit? Did she think that Hannah was the one who needed to clear the air? She decided that there was no reason to talk it to death. They both knew the score. So she moved closer, allowing herself a quick touch of Lindsey’s hand.
“That was the best hug ever,” she whispered.
Lindsey seemed relieved by her statement. “Oh, yeah?”
“We need…” Hannah met her gaze, holding it. “We need to be alone.”
She thought Lindsey would protest, but she nodded. “Like maybe a trip to the pond on Monday?”