I smelt the salt of the sea but it was a warm smell and the sun was hot, there was no fog. Flames rose and crackled around me. Come on, I called in a language not my own. I had to get out, they had to get out, I had to get the woman out before the invaders came and killed us all. Come on, I shouted with all my might but my voice came out as a whisper. I could see them there, the woman and the girl, sitting and sewing and laughing, without a care in the world. A curved sword slashed through the light silk drapes and they were on them
The battle was over, we had won. I stood in the middle of a desolate field, it was cold but the fighting had warmed me. I looked around and I was almost waist-deep in corpses. They all stared at me with sightless eyes and accused me in their silence. There was a wood nearby and I could hide there, hide from their eyes, these his enemies I had killed. Someone clapped me on the back so that I staggered and fell and looked straight into Coivin’s dead eyes, I was deep in among the corpses and I had killed them all and they were Coivin, I had killed him a hundred thousand thousand million times how many times had I killed him would I ever be free and they looked at me and they said in a million voices
Why did you kill me, brother?
their voices roared and roared in my head and I spun away into darkness there were just pinpoints of light and I rushed to one and found it was a fire and many chanted around it and a monster roared into the sky leaving the corpse of a child behind
There was one chance and I took it. I saw the opening and my sword slipped in and the momentary resistance told me my thrust had struck home. I pulled my sword away and it was smoking with the other’s gore
Why did you kill me, brother?
I sat bolt upright, screaming Coivin’s name and crying and begging forgiveness. Hands came and restrained me. I had a screaming, tearing, violent headache. Hands came to my mouth and forced a cup between my lips. I drank it eagerly - I had a raging thirst - then the headache eased. I saw that I was in the Infirmary back at the college and wondered how I had got there before I fell back on the pillow and into a deep, dreamless and restful sleep.
As soon as I woke up I was taken to Amergin, the Chief Druid and Principal of the College. My previous experience of this man had been the usual - I had been beaten, and very severely - so I was nervous of what was in store. Lucius was with him, which was not good. Ieuan was there as well and Father Diarmuid.
“Sit down, Ciaran.” I did as I was told. It seemed the Druid just wanted to talk. “Thank you, Brother Lucius, we’ll speak again later.” The other one left, in a flurry of anger and frustration. “Something happened when you were in the forest. Do you know what it was?” I shook my head. “Tell us everything you remember.”
“Coivin and I were looking for mistletoe in the forest Father, as we had been told. It was very foggy and we couldn’t see. We got separated.” Amergin raised a quizzical eyebrow. “That is - we split up. We were scared that if we didn’t find any mistletoe we - we would get into trouble. I got lost. Ieuan found me. He showed me how to find the sacred clumps. Then I -” I stopped and swallowed hard.
”Go on Ciaran,” Amergin said, “it’s all right. Take your time.” I had never met this Amergin before: soft and encouraging, almost kind and gentle. I took a breath and continued.
“I saw Coivin. He was wounded. Wounded to death. I killed him! I killed him! It was my fault!” and I burst into tears. A comforting arm was put round my shoulders and soft words whispered into my ear. I couldn’t quite catch what was said but I felt calmer.
“It wasn’t your fault, Ciaran. It wasn’t you.” I would protest. I knew what I’d seen. I remembered what my cousin, my foster brother had said. He’d called me brother and asked why I’d killed him. But the rage of argument stayed caged inside me and I listened, very calmly.
“It wasn’t your fault. You did nothing. Coivin isn’t dead.” Amergin said. “He’s alive and very worried about you. He didn’t want to leave you while you were away.” Away? What did he mean, away? It seemed as if the Druid had heard my question even though I hadn’t spoken.
“We use the word ‘away’ when someone is deep in a trance. You have the Gift of the Sight, Ciaran. A Gift from Lugh to his people. You saw a Vision. A picture, that’s all. Coivin is alive and well,” he repeated, “he wasn’t even beaten for separating from you when you’d been told to stay together. The stress of the situation you found yourself in seems to have brought your Gift to the fore. And we must talk of the nature of the images you see.” I jerked up and met the Druids eyes, which were still sympathetic. He indicated that I could speak.
“The Sight! But father, doesn’t the Sight always see true? If I haven’t killed Coivin, does it mean I’m going to?”
“Understanding the Sight is a skill all of its own, Ciaran. Sometimes - in fact, much of the time - people with this Gift see riddles, or abstractions, or pictures that are so enigmatic as to be incomprehensible - at the time. Sometimes meanings become clear later. I don’t think that your Vision means that you will kill Coivin.”
“I’d rather die myself, first. He’s my brother. Closer than that. My foster brother.”
Amergin nodded seriously. He fiddled casually with a twig or something he had on his desk but his eyes didn’t leave mine for an instant. He seemed to be able to go for hours without blinking.
“I know, Ciaran. My heart’s pith my foster-brother is. I know the old saying. I had my own foster-brother, too.”
“Where is he now?” Amergin looked away for a moment and I felt the panic rise again - Coivin! Dead! and at my hand! - then subside when the Druid took my gaze once more. All would be well. He would explain everything.
“He chose to follow a different path from me. We shall not meet again in this life. Maybe in the Orchard, as the Gods decide.” He moved on firmly. “I don’t think you will kill Coivin. I can’t conceive of a situation in which you would. But you obviously feel yourself responsible, somehow.” I started to protest, to cite the detail and reality of this Vision but Amergin held up his hand to stop me. “We will help you, to learn, to understand and to interpret what you See. Thank the Lady that She saw fit to put you in our hands. Imagine if you were a lonely country boy, no Brothers to help you. Then you would have every right to feel frightened. But we will teach you all you need to know. Brother Diarmuid -” he indicated the tall druid “Diarmuid will help you. Go to him if you need anything.” Amergin stood up from behind his desk and all of us in the room followed suit. “Go to Diarmuid if you have any questions or problems. Anything at all. Diarmuid is your tutor from now on. Now, go back to bed and have a good sleep. The rest will help you to feel better.”
“But I’ve only just got up. I’m not tired.” Amergin looked at me again and his eyes were huge and green. They seemed to spin and sparkle in the moonlight. It was very late.
“Yes you are.” I felt tired again, suddenly. Bone-weary to the marrow. I was exhausted. I could sleep for a year and still feel tired. “Ieuan will take you back to the dormitory. You will share his room tonight. It’s best that you don’t share with Coivin again until you understand what you saw. Go on with you now. We’ll meet again soon.” Ieuan led me back to the dormitory and I was, once again, in a deep sleep before the covers were thrown over me. The Welshman kept Coivin - and all other visitors, whether caring, concerned, curious or plain nosey - well away from his charge.
We saw each other in the morning. Coivin was undecided whether to be wary or inquisitive but he was only just twelve himself and curiosity won, and we spoke together before going into lessons. I was cautious: I didn’t know what Coivin knew, but assumed the worst. I soon realised I needn’t have worried as it quickly emerged that I hadn’t said a word until I had come out of my Vision coma, by which time my foster brother was well out of the way. He had, however, heard rumours that I may have had a Vision. He pressed for details.
“Come on, Ciaran, what did you See? What am I going to be?”
I was non-committal. Coivin pushed some more.
“I don’t know, really. It’s not clear what it meant. The Fathers are trying to interpret it now. Father Amergin told me to say nothing about it until he told me what it meant.”
“Maybe I’ll know what it meant. Maybe we can work it out together.” I stopped and looked at him, shocked at the suggestion.
“Coivin, we can’t do that. The Fathers know much more than we do. It would be dangerous to try anything like that without their help. It would be like trying to have a Sacrifice without knowing what to do. Who knows what would happen? We could...” I looked around and lowered my voice. “We could raise a demon and be taken to their pits and enslaved forever!”
“It’s not the same! You know it’s not the same! Just tell me! Tell me now!” and he punched me again, harder this time.
“It was just like dreams, I saw lots of things. The sea, and battles, and swords and drapes of fabrics.” I shook my head and hoped to finish it. “It didn’t make any sense.” Coivin stood in front of me, preventing me going any further. His hands were on his hips and he was aggressive.
“What about me? Tell me, what about me? I know you Saw something about me.”
“Nothing. I can’t tell you.” I shook my head again and made to go past but Coivin grabbed me and then we were rolling around in the mud, arms locked around each other, Coivin struggling for an opening to start punching and me holding on like grim death to prevent him. We were at it long enough for a small crowd to gather before strong hands pulled us apart and hauled us to their feet. Lucius was looking at us, an unpleasant smile on his face. I may be under Diarmuid’s care for my Sight but this sort of indiscipline was, without any shadow of a doubt, his responsibility. We were marched along to our classroom and the inevitable public beating administered, probably with more even more savagery than was usual for this savage man. We returned to our desks as silent as ever we were after such treatment and, on this occasion, Coivin was sensible enough to realise we were being watched closely and avoided any further provocation. But it was probably as well that I had been transferred to Ieuan’s room.
Ieuan was another problem, in my mind. I hadn’t forgotten what he had tried. I had liked him, who had never bullied or intimidated me, or Coivin, nor any of our contemporaries. But I was uncomfortable about sharing the room with him and he sensed it. He asked what the matter was but I just shrugged my shoulders and muttered something about the fight with Coivin. The two of us moved around the room, shuffling clothes here, rearranging a pile of codices there. Ieuan couldn’t fail to notice the way that I almost bolted from any possibility of physical contact. He said nothing until it was nearly time for bed and then he pulled the curtain over the doorway and sat on his bed, leaving me with the rest of the room to roam about in if I wished.
“Ciaran, I want to talk to you,” he said quietly, “about the other day. In the forest.” I had my back turned. I straightened stiffly and didn’t turn.
“What about it?” I asked.
“Thank you for saying nothing about it to Father Amergin.” I still had my back turned. I shrugged again. “Ciaran, I’d like to talk about it. I’d like to talk to your face, if you would just turn around.”
“Why? What is there to say?”
“A few things. Please.” I turned slowly to face Ieuan but stayed by the shelves, well away from both my own bed and Ieuan. “Will you sit down?” I shook my head.
“I’d rather stay here.” Ieuan shifted and sighed.
“All right. But you needn’t worry about me. I won’t touch you unless you want me to.”
“I don’t.”
“Have you ever tried it? Haven’t any of the brothers taken you to bed?”
“Someone tried, but I started to make a noise. Another time I bit whoever it was. The one time they succeeded I hated it. It hurt.”
“So you’ve never...” there was silence for a moment. “How do you know you wouldn’t like it? Lots of others do.” I shrugged again, but made no answer. “Have you been with a girl?” I snorted.
“When would I have the chance? Course I haven’t.”
“Do you prefer girls?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything at the moment. I haven’t tried anything.”
“Doesn’t it bother you?”
“Of course it bothers me!” Ieuan started to say that this wasn’t what he meant but I was warming up. This was the first chance I’d had to tell one of these people what I thought of them. Ieuan was the first one who had asked. All the anger I’d felt, for myself, for Coivin, for the other boys I’d heard weeping in the dormitory late at night when they’d been brought back from wherever they’d been taken, this was my chance to tell them all what I thought of them all, through Ieuan, and I took it with both hands. “The brothers and the Fathers or older boys taking you who-knows-where and forcing themselves on you. Lucius tried it on me. It made me sick. I just don’t want to know! And neither do the other young boys! It’s worse than bullying, what is done to them - us - all of us. You think we won’t say no - and most of us won’t, not even Coivin, and he’ll fight anyone - but it doesn’t mean we like it, or want it. We don’t! And it’s not fair. It’s not right. Bigger people shouldn’t take advantage like that. It’s not right. It’s not right.” I turned away again, tears of anger starting from my eyes. Ieuan went to comfort me, I know he had no other intention in his mind, but I felt he was approaching and stiffened again. “Don’t! Don’t come near me. I don’t want you near me. Leave me alone.” Ieuan retreated to his bed and sat down again.
“I wasn’t going to try anything, Ciaran,” he said, and we stayed in silence for a long minute. I was distracted by wondering how I knew Ieuan was approaching. He’d been silent. Was it tied in with my Gift? I wanted to ask but I was still wary of my room-mate. Ieuan was speaking again. “I promise,” he was saying, “I promise I won’t force myself on you. I won’t even touch you. I promise I won’t. Please look at me.” There was something odd about the tone of his voice but it wasn’t threatening so I did as he was asked and turned. Ieuan’s eyes were shining, as if he was on the verge of tears. I went and sat on my bed opposite the older boy.
“What is it Ieuan?” I asked, gently this time.
“Ciaran, I’d...” he swallowed and looked away. It was a while before he spoke again. “I asked for you to be put in my room.” I stood up, wary again. Ieuan looked at his feet and I could feel his misery and despair. But there was no threat. I felt a wave of sympathy for him but didn’t go to comfort him, as I would have if it had been Coivin or one of the younger boys. I sat down again, slowly, and waited for him to continue. It was a while before he did, and he was still looking at his feet. “I don’t want to use you, like the others do. Like I’ve done with others. It isn’t like that with you. I hoped we could, maybe, maybe when you got to know me better, maybe you’d come to like me more, maybe...” he looked up, but I didn’t react at all. I looked straight back at my room-mate, and I felt compassion but gave no encouragement. Ieuan stood and walked the short distance to the far wall. I wondered if anyone was listening outside, if they would go off and giggle at what they heard from inside the room. But I could feel no-one was there. It was a disturbing shock to be sure we weren’t overheard, to be as certain of it as I was. My new abilities were disconcerting: they would take some getting used to. But now Ieuan needed whatever I was prepared to give. I sat silently and waited for him to continue.
“I won’t threaten you,” Ieuan resumed at last. “I’ll be your friend. You can depend on me, more than you could depend on anyone else. More than Coivin, more than your mother. I’ll always be there for you.”
“No matter what...” I said, and shivered. I wondered why I’d said it. And what it was I’d started to say.
“No matter what you think of me now, no.” Ieuan had misunderstood whatever it was I’d been intending to say. “I
will be your friend. Come to me with anything. You’ll have no more problems with the older boys. I’ll see to it. Just -“ he turned, and held out his hands in appeal “- just be my friend, if you can. Please. Please think well of me.”
I stood, crossed the short distance between them and took one of his hands in both my own. I trusted him, but it was too soon to offer the embrace that I wanted to give. Not yet. It would be torture for him, so soon after his confession.
“Thank you, Ieuan,” I said. He nodded, regaining his composure.
“I mean it, Ciaran. You can depend on me. I am your friend for -” I held my hand up to forestall a vow that could be more than he could keep.
“Just be my friend for now, Ieuan. That will be enough.” He nodded again.
There was a disturbance outside the door and a voice asked quietly if he could come in. It was Diarmuid. We separated our hands and Ieuan went to pull the fabric door aside to let him in. The Druid entered and looked from one to the other.
“Is everything all right?” he asked.
“It’s fine,” Ieuan replied.
Innisgarbh (Prince Ciaran the Damned Book 1) Page 3