Lila finally confronted her boss at seven thirty-two, the morning after her starlet-induced personality shift. Feeling extra confident and daring, she stepped off the elevator onto the fifth floor, breezed past the receptionist, and strode purposefully down the hall through the imposing double doors that led to the super-agent’s offices. After dropping her purse on her meticulously organized desk, she forged into Josh’s inner domain without a knock, buzz, or even psychic communication she was on her way in. She didn’t fear a replay of the Melinda incident (the one where she received her title), as Melinda would be in bed for hours yet and probably not alone either as she was currently dating Hollywood legend, Oscar Solomon.
As Lila stormed in, clearly startling Josh, he held up one finger to indicate he would be with her in a moment. He said into the phone, “Sure, Harley, great. Listen, something important just came up. I’ll call you later.”
Lila raised her eyebrows at that. Something important, huh? Maybe she had inadvertently garnered some respect by finally losing her mind. Josh lay down the receiver and very conciliatorily greeted, “Lila, sit down. Can I get you a cup of coffee?”
Lila briefly glanced over her shoulder to see if Rod Serling had just walked in before answering, “Sure, Josh, that would be great. I take it with one fake sugar and a splash of hazelnut creamer.” Josh actually removed himself from his desk and proceeded to prepare her a cuppa. At that moment, Lila was convinced that even if he did fire her, it would be worth it just to witness him catering to her for once after all these years.
After her first sip of caffeinated joy, Josh inquired, “How are you feeling today?”
She smiled, “Pretty good, Josh, you?”
Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, he responded, “Doing okay, thanks. Listen, about yesterday, what happened there?”
Lila gave him a brilliant smile and confessed, “Bad period, hunger pains, and high school class reunion.”
Josh squirmed as men do when anyone of the female persuasion openly discusses her menses. “Right, so you mentioned yesterday. What I mean to ask is why did you say that thing about Melinda right in front of her?”
Looking him squarely in the eye, Lila inquired, “Did I lie?”
Josh was alarmed as this conversation was obviously not going in the direction he thought it should have, which would have been with Lila begging his forgiveness for her unspeakable, albeit entirely accurate gaffe. “Lila, Melinda is furious. She even threatened to leave the agency if I didn’t fire you.”
Lila beamed and clung to the magic words, “fire you . . .” Trying to look cool, while inwardly delighted, she responded, “That sounds serious. What are you going to do?” She was sending him copious subliminal messages to cut her loose. She was so ripe to walk out the door with a tidy severance package she could taste it.
“Hell, Lila, of course I’m not going to fire you, (damn!) but you have to apologize to Melinda and make it sound sincere.”
Lila was pretty sure monkeys could tie her hair into knots and then set fire to it before she would ever apologize to Melinda, so she responded, “Apologize? As in, Melinda, I’m desperately sorry you’re such a fantastic oral pleasure machine? Sure Josh, I can do that.”
Josh started to turn purple. Actually, Lila thought it more of an eggplant hue, which she decided was a good color for him. “Lila, what’s going on with you? You aren’t at all acting like yourself.” Lila knew what he really meant was, Lila, why aren’t you bending over backwards to do my bidding like you always do?
After taking a slow sip of her coffee, Lila laid her cards on the table. “It’s like this, Josh. I’ve decided it’s time I make some changes in my life.”
Her boss looked decidedly nervous and interrupted, “You’re not quitting, are you?”
So Cyn was right, Lila thought. Josh didn’t want to lose her. “No, I’m not quitting, but I am going on vacation.” Then she took a fortifying breath and added, “And I feel strongly that I need a raise (take that you short, bald molester of starlets).” There was nothing like the feeling of standing up for yourself. Lila’s body positively hummed from the thrill of it.
Josh went silent for a moment, clearly at a crossroads about what to do. Lila could almost see the little hamster wheel turning in his brain. He finally answered, “You know what, kid? I think it’s a great idea. In fact, I think you should take a month off. You certainly have the time coming.” Lila stared at him like he’d just grown a second head when he continued, “As far as a raise, you’re right, you deserve it.” Jotting himself a note as he added, “I’m going to just go ahead and make it retroactive, starting last quarter. How does that sound?”
To Lila, it sounded like Josh had clearly been alien abducted and had received a personality transplant. His generosity sounded too good to be true. But on further consideration, who was she to complain? Maybe she was finally getting her just desserts for standing up for herself. That was possible, right? Lila took another slow sip of coffee before answering, “Sounds fine, Josh. I leave a week from today. Anyone in particular you want me to train from the assistant’s pool to cover while I’m gone?”
Josh’s face broke out into a sly smile. He actually rubbed his hands together like a penny opera villain about to say, “I’m going to get you, my pretty. . .” before answering, “Yeah, how ’bout that new girl, Charlotte? You could start training her today.”
Lila rolled her eyes, no longer worried her boss was going to fire her for impertinence and mumbled, “Predictable.” Before he could respond, she picked up her coffee and sailed out of his office.
From what Lila had been able to gather, Charlotte was the kind of subordinate Josh had always dreamed of but couldn’t have for two reasons. One, if he had a twenty-two-year-old assistant who needed a bikini wax to wear the infinitesimal skirts that she did, his wife would inevitably get suspicious; and two, he really did need an assistant with a brain in her head. He was one of the partners after all.
Lila rang Joyce in the temp pool and told her she was going to need Charlotte to report to her desk as soon as possible. Joyce commented, “Boy, that girl sure is popular. I just sent her up to Rich Pelker’s office. His assistant just got wooed away by the Game Show Network.”
“Sorry Joyce, ole Richie’s going to have to find himself another honey. Josh has personally requested Charlotte’s services for the next month.”
“No worries. Josh’s request certainly outweighs Rich’s, but what’s up? Are you having surgery or something?”
Lila laughed, “Yep, I figure a 36C is no longer enough to get me ahead in the company, so I’m checking into Dr. 90210 for an augmentation.”
Joyce enjoyed Lila’s humor. After all, she was fifty and frumpy and had been with the Triple A for almost two decades. She didn’t miss any of the machinations that went on in the agency. “Good for you. A nice G-cup is definitely the path to success. Listen, I’ve got to come up with a replacement for Rich. Hey, you know what? I think I’m going to send him a nice gay boy and see if he can’t keep it in his pants for a while. I don’t think his job is going to last another sexual harassment suit.”
Joyce was like the house mother in a fraternity. Even though the agency had several female agents, the majority of them were still men and Joyce liked to keep them on their toes when it came to assigning them assistants. The kids fresh out of college with an eye on the agent training program were shifted to new departments every three months so they could learn about all the areas of entertainment the agency covered. Assistants were moved around on a daily basis and Joyce was like God on the second floor, deciding who she was going to be nice to and who she was going to mess with.
The year before, she hadn't received her holiday bonus due to a “clerical oversight,” so she assigned the president of the agency an alarmingly tall and beautiful new right-hand named Chris. Everyone later found out that Chris was short for Christopher and while he looked like a gorgeous and exotic female from the waist up, from the waist down he was very
much a Christopher. The president of the agency found out after two weeks, the hard way. Christopher was somehow reassigned to the mailroom and Joyce received the biggest (belated) holiday bonus in the history of the agency.
Charlotte, of the microscopic skirt, arrived at Lila’s desk not five minutes after being summoned. She had a very excited bounce to her step and immediately stuck out her hand and introduced, “Hi there. I’m Charlotte. I met you once in the dining room? Oh my gosh, I’m so excited to be assisting a partner! You know I’ve only been here three weeks.”
Lila nodded her head as she did indeed know Charlotte had only been there three weeks. She also knew it had taken her a month to learn how to be Josh’s assistant and she had already had three years of training. Lila was looking more and more forward to this vacation. The way she figured it, she could demand another raise when she got back in order to sort out the huge mess that was about to be made on her boss’s behalf. She didn’t feel the least bit sorry for Josh either. It was almost biblical. He asked and he was about to receive. For once in her life, Lila finally felt like she had the upper hand and it was a delicious sensation.
So Lila smiled at her replacement and greeted, “Hi, Charlotte. Grab a chair and come sit next to me. I’ll start showing you the ropes.”
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Kindred Spirits: A Romantic Comedy About Love, Life, and the Afterlife . . . Page 27