by Helena Rac
“That must have been so hard for him.” I can’t help but feel for his dad, for how it must have affected him.
He nods, then continues. “I didn’t want that with you. I needed to know you were stronger than you let yourself believe. I honestly believed you could be. And deep down, I knew you felt it, felt the connection we have. I just had to, for once, let my mind, not my heart, lead the way. If I wanted you unconditionally, I knew I had to let you think it through and find your heart again all on your own. And if you did, you’d come back to me because you were willing to give us a try.” His eyes are captivating, and they don’t let go of mine. “I knew you’d find your way back to me. I had to believe you would. I just hoped you’d figure it out sooner rather than later. We were kind of running short on time.” Luke chuckles, and I love how he can make even serious conversations like these feel somehow lighter.
His words remind me of how close I was to losing him. If I hadn’t come back to him, he really wasn’t going to come after me this time. He was going to let me go. And that scares me.
“I think my heart found its way back to you long before I was able to admit it. It just took my mind a little while to catch up,” I say with the sweetest smile I can manage.
Yet here we are, counting the hours until we’re going to lose each other again. At least temporarily this time, I hope. I’m dreading every minute that passes and brings us that much closer to the inevitable. Luke will be gone tomorrow. That much I know. What I don’t know is how I’ll function with him being miles away, without being able to see him for weeks or months. How will we make this work? Are we crazy to try? Out of all the guys, Tessa, this is the one you set your heart on? I know. The irony is not lost on me.
“I feel like I owe you an explanation,” I continue. “I want to make sure that you understand why it’s been so difficult for me to let myself feel again.” I’ve given him snapshots and glimpses before, but I never quite put the pieces together.
“You don’t need to explain. I’m just glad you’re here.”
“No, I want to. You’re always so honest, and I want to make sure I am too.” He looks at me expectantly. “When my dad died, and later, when Jason left, it hurt. It hurt a lot. The only way I thought I could avoid feeling that way again was to avoid getting emotionally attached. That was the only way I thought I was going to be able to get over the loss and the hurt, the fear, over the anger. I’ve spent the last few years burying my emotions and not letting them escape. And over these last few days, I’ve struggled with letting my guard down and then picking it back up again. And then Marcus called, and it was the impetus for what ended up happening. I panicked and I–”
“Marcus called you?”
Uh-oh. I probably shouldn’t have said that. The last thing I want to do is get Marcus in trouble. His intentions were pure.
“Yeah. But he didn’t say anything that I didn’t know already. He just, you know, warned me about you and, well, the relationships you’ve had in the past … or lack thereof. He was just looking out for me, given my previous situation. I know I shouldn’t be, after everything you’ve said and done, but I’m still so scared that you won’t come back and I’ll have to deal with that again. I can’t let it happen. I want to make this, whatever it is we have, work.”
“Tess, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me – at least for another twenty four hours or so.” He laughs, but then his tone changes. “Seriously, though, I’m not letting you go. I know the fact that I’ve never been in a serious relationship scares you. But that’s only because I’ve never found someone I wanted to be with that way. With you, it feels different somehow. I can’t pinpoint why exactly because I like everything about you.”
I nod because I feel the same way. “I like everything about you too, even the fact you don’t ever make lists.”
He chuckles. “We’ll make this work. We’ll figure it out along the way. You know that, right?”
“I know. But you’ll still be gone in less than twenty-four hours. That sucks.” I pout. “It’s like missing a key ingredient when you’re baking a cake. It just falls apart. I don’t want to fall apart when you’re gone. That would suck even more.”
His eyes are full of amusement when he says, “God, I’ll miss you, cupcake.”
“I’ll miss you too, stranger.” Then he’s kissing me, and I nearly forget about his looming departure. He’s got this way about him that makes everything seem easier, even when it’s anything but.
“Tess, I’ll desperately need to see you again, and soon. Will you come?” Luke asks almost timidly, so unlike the Luke I’ve come to know over the last few days.
“Come? I think I’ve already done that this morning. More than once, actually,” I tease, though I know exactly what he’s asking me.
“Come to London,” he clarifies. “Travel Europe with me. Just like we talked about.”
I remember our discussion at dinner during our first date. There’s nothing more I’d like than to do just that. Well, except for actually come. Definitely more chances of that happening if I’m with Luke in Europe than by myself in Chicago.
“I’d like that.” I can’t help it, but my brain automatically begins crafting a new plan: The European Adventures of Luke and Tessa. Sounds like a novel, or maybe a movie. In any case, it sounds wonderful. And also R-rated. So many possibilities. A private capsule on the London Eye, a hidden corner of a vast museum in Paris, skinny-dipping in the waters of the Italian Riviera…
“Tess?”
“Huh?”
Luke is smirking like he’s reading my naughty, naughty thoughts. “Where’d you disappear to?”
I smile. “To Europe.” I have a feeling that could be a trip of a lifetime.
Chapter 24
Six months later
I read it somewhere – Cosmo, most likely – that relationships typically go through milestones: the six-month, three-year, and five-year we-need-to-figure-out-where-this-is-going milestones.
Luke and I have been “together” just short of six months – not that I’ve been keeping track or anything. I ended up visiting him in late August for three weeks, just like we’d planned, and they were three weeks I’ll never forget. We had an amazing time together. In addition to exploring London and visiting my mom’s hometown, we spent several days in France and Switzerland. After that, we spent a week in Italy, including a visit to my dad’s hometown. There were definitely some R-rated moments on the trip. Lots, in fact.
Luke visited for a week in October while on a work trip to Chicago, then I went to London for a week in late November, surprising him and celebrating Thanksgiving with him. And that has been it.
So Luke and I haven’t physically been together for six months – we’ve actually only seen each other a total of about six weeks. But mentally, we’ve been head over heels about each other for much longer. So why am I considering all these numbers and thinking about what’s next for us?
Luke is supposed to arrive on Christmas Eve. That’s exactly five days away, almost to the minute as I look up at the clock in the work room at Lovely Cakes. When the time we have together is so limited and precious, every minute of every day counts. We’ll spend another week together over the holidays enjoying family time and each other. The “each other” is the part I’m looking forward to the most. That in itself means this will without a doubt be the best Christmas of my adulthood.
Coincidentally, today is my birthday, and I’m feeling the pressure of turning twenty-seven. I’m still far from being in a seriously committed relationship, given our situation, and I have no idea if it will ever get to be real-real. Normal. Like most couples. As in, “I’ll see you in five,” rather than, “When do you think we’ll be able to see each other again?”
Luke and I are together, but mostly I still spend my time alone. With my friends, among family. Grocery shopping, making dinner, watching a movie. Alone. Honestly, it sucks.
To make things worse, Clara is planning a night out for us tonight, hop
ing to lift my spirits and remind me that just across the Atlantic, a mere 3,945 miles away, I do have a boyfriend. As if that should make me feel ecstatic. I mean, I’m beyond happy when I’m with Luke, but not so much when I have to be alone. The latter has been the case on more occasions than I’d like.
The last time we saw each other, everything was great. Well, sort of. Great until the last couple of days of my visit. I got caught up in overthinking where this is going and I-won’t-say-what’s-bothering-me kind of behavior. The thing is, Luke has been in this one hundred percent, and so have I. But I can’t help but wonder how long we’re going to do this back-and-forth and one-week-here, one-week-there thing.
I know I may sound selfish, but I want more. A lot more. I want us to spend every possible moment together, so we have no regrets over the time we didn’t. I want to be just like a typical couple, without having to plan the next week-long date and when it may work best for both him and me. It’s almost nauseating how much I want to be with him all the time, how much I miss him. It’s funny because I used to find Clara and Marcus’s displays of affection nauseating. I never thought I would feel that way about a guy, yet that’s exactly how I’m feeling.
Even though we both made commitments to each other that we’d make this work, after the last time we spent together I wonder if I want this more than he does. I wonder, because when we saw each other in November, we ended up having our first serious argument.
Not surprisingly, I wasn’t quite able to keep what’s been bothering me to myself for long, and once we got into it, our argument didn’t really provide any clear answers. Luke said he’s tried his hardest to give me as much of himself as he could, given our situation. He said that I needed to trust him and that it will all fall into place eventually.
Of course, I was being typical me, wondering what’s next, where this is going, and losing faith in him and in our future. It was simply because I was scared that at any moment he would pull a Jason on me. I hate the fact that, even after all this time with Luke, I still have issues with trusting men. I stormed out of his apartment and headed to the airport in a taxi all by myself, only to have him follow me there. We eventually made up (and made out) in front of thousands of random travelers. That said, our phone calls and video chats were not nearly enough after that visit. Mainly because I needed him near. I needed his kiss, his touch, his body, his warmth. I wanted to make sure we were okay; I wanted reassurance that we would be okay. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t completely head-over-heels, madly in love with him. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t counting the seconds until I see him again. Okay, I’m lying, because it’s not realistic that I’d spend all this time counting, well, time. But the twenty-fourth can’t come fast enough.
Luke called earlier today to wish me a happy birthday, and we talked for a while. Apparently he’s got a big birthday surprise for me, and I can’t wait to see what it is. I don’t want to build my hopes up, but I’m positively giddy just thinking about the possibilities. A weekend getaway, perhaps? A puppy? I’ve been thinking about getting one ever since I met and fell in love with Elsie, his Lab. A pair of earrings, or maybe a shiny something for my finger? No, don’t even – too fucking early to think of anything life-altering like that. But that’s what my crazy, infatuated brain thinks about. I suffer from withdrawal, obviously, and I’m clearly in need of a dose of Luke. Probably double. With sugar, please.
Given the current lack of physical Luke in my life, I’ve been wrapped up instead in my work. I’ve barely had a chance to text him after we talked today to update him on the latest Christmas plans. My mom’s got carried away a little bit this year, I think. I’m pretty sure she’s still in shock that I’m actually in a relationship, no matter that it’s a long-distance one. She’s the happiest I’ve seen her in a long time. Just knowing that both Clara and I have found our other halves makes her more cheerful. Less worried. More like the mom I knew before Dad passed away.
Because of the holidays, it’s been another busy week at Lovely Cakes. Which is a great distraction, I must admit. I have put in countless hours working so that I can, one, take my mind off of Luke and counting the days until I see him again; two, get as much done as possible now so that I can actually spend quality time with him once he’s here; and three, stop worrying about where things will land at the end of the week and whether I’ll still be looking to get the commitment I’ve been seeking. Even though I know it’s completely unreasonable. That doesn’t mean I don’t want it.
It’s almost seven o’clock in the evening, and the bakery has been officially closed for an hour, but I haven’t even had a chance to lock up yet since I’m in the midst of a full-on push to get things done. I swear I’m going to get going just as soon as I finish icing these festive cupcakes.
The store is in full Christmas mode. There’s a tree, seasonal music, and lots of Christmassy treats. Outside, it’s lightly snowing, giving the gloomy gray snow banks a fresh, winter-wonderland look. Maybe it all just seems prettier to me in my distorted reality – since I was born so close to the holidays, this is my favorite time of the year. Who says no to double presents? Not me.
“All I Want for Christmas Is You” comes on over the speakers, and all I can think about is one very specific present I want: Luke, preferably wrapped up in only me. Naked. Hard. Calling my name. Exploring my body. My heart flutters just thinking of him in bed with me, and I get giddy and a little bit hot. I need to hear his voice again.
As if on cue, my phone buzzes, and I grin happily the second I see his name.
Hey cupcake. I bet it smells delicious.
Of course he knows where I am.
It sure does. You still up?
Can’t sleep. Thinking of you. Need you now.
God, I need him too. I don’t know if I can do without him for another five days.
Keeping busy so I won’t think of you.
How’s that going for you?
Honestly? Not so good. You have a way of sneaking in.
In my mind, in my heart, in my soul, I want to add, but that may be a bit over the top. Even if it is nothing but the truth.
You too.
I know he’s as over-the-top for me as I am for him. He shows it every time we’re together.
BTW, you look sexy in that apron. Life is definitely sweet. Just like you are.
I smile, remembering the first time he visited Lovely Cakes, when I was wearing the same “Life is sweeter with a cupcake!” apron. I know just how much sweeter my life has been since I took Luke up on his offer that day.
Then a thought enters my head. I start to type out the next text, asking him how he knows what I’m wearing, when I hear the chime of the front door. I make my way to the front counter, shouting, “We’re clo–” but I can’t finish my sentence.
My phone drops to the floor as I let out a squeal. Luke is here. Right now. Five days early.
“I finally have a reason,” he says, grinning ear to ear.
“A reason?” My voice is a whisper, my heart still racing from this unexpected, but most delicious, sight in front of me.
He takes a step closer. And I am nearly breathless, wondering if I’m hallucinating. Or perhaps I’m just amped up on sugar – I’ve taste-tested more than a few batches of icing today.
“To stay.” His words echo within me, and I remember, as if through a haze, asking him whether he’d ever consider moving back. And his words in response: If the right opportunity presents itself. If there’s a good enough reason … I would.
“Stay-stay?” I ask.
“Stay-stay,” he says with a soft, adoring kind of smile. “For good.”
I can’t help but smile back. He is staying. For me. For us. Forever after, I’m certain. And from the look in his captivating eyes and the deep I-missed-you-more-than-you’ll-ever-know kiss that follows, I know he’s certain too.
Acknowledgments
To Jenny, my editor: I didn’t know I could write romantic comedy, until you made me believe
I could. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate every thought, every edit, and all the comments and feedback you provided. I’ve learned so much and I cannot thank you enough for that. Without you, this manuscript would never have become a book that I am proud to publish. You’re bad-ass awesome!
To Meghan, my publisher: Thank you for all your business expertise and advice along the way. Working together on the cover design was so much fun and we came up with this sassy, original, super retro beauty. (Thanks Ellen!)
To my husband: You’re incredible – the most supportive and encouraging husband on the planet (maybe even the universe). I would have never been able to go on this adventure if it wasn’t for your patience and your unconditional love. For that, I love you – always and forever.
To my girls: You keep me on my toes and always on the go. You make me smile and laugh every day. Because of you, I can call myself a mom. Because of you, my heart is always full.
Ana, my amazing sister #1: You read my manuscript before anyone else did; then you read it all over again when it was nearly done (and probably a few times in between). You were my number one cheerleader, and your suggestions and comments were invaluable. I’m so thankful that you’re a crazy romance junkie and that you were able to play such an important part in this process.
Andrea, you’re one of my very best friends. You read my original manuscript and provided such important feedback. Thank you so much for all your help and support.
Thank you to Ksenija, my amazing sister #2; to Tanja – my BFF – you cheer me on even when you’re miles away; and to all my friends who played a part in one way or another.
Thanks to my parents for all your help and for always believing in me, no matter what I decide to dream up. Your undeniable support is my blessing. To my mother-in-law: Thanks for all your help and support too.