‘Would you like to use the sitting room?’ James was saying. ‘I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed.’
‘If we could take a walk down to the river...?’ Louise offered hesitantly.
‘Yeah, that sounds better.’ Lloyd flicked his eyes to Louise’s face and away again, his expression uneasy. He returned his hat to his head. ‘Come on, Louise, before Weatherby goes without me.’
She led him to her favourite spot, where the river gums cast dappled shade on the water and a patch of green grass provided an inviting seat. She sensed him studying her as she settled her skirts about her and tried to hide her mortification, clutching her hands together in her lap to stop them shaking.
‘I know I said some pretty rough things to you,’ he began slowly. ‘It was rotten of me–there was no need to be so crude.’
‘You seem to have been left with a low opinion of me, Lloyd.’ She shook her head, confused and bewildered. ‘I know I was wrong in not being totally honest with you, but as for leaving, I had no choice. The Jamiesons could have told you that. Charles allowed me no opportunity to see you or explain.’ She added hesitantly, ‘I was extremely...foolish...and indiscreet...in my dealings with you, but I didn’t think at the time that you thought less of me for it. It appears I was wrong.’
He drew in a sharp breath. ‘Christ, girl, at the time I loved you too much to think any wrong of you! I was in no flaming position to judge you, anyway. At least you came to me pure, which is more than I can say for myself. I wouldn’t like to tell you some of the things I’ve done.’
Her gaze flew to his face. ‘What sort of things?’
‘Never mind. It makes me a bit sick to think of it now. Me mate Will and I–we knew a couple of girls who were as wild as they come. That was before Connal O’Donnelly got hold of me.’ He seemed to notice her shocked face and paused. ‘I told you me upbringing was pretty rough.’
‘Yes, but...you were only fifteen years old when you went to Mr O’Donnelly!’
He smiled without humour. ‘That’s old enough, Louise.’
She supposed this was a frank, even crude discussion to be having with a man she hadn’t seen for two years, but she was too tired and exhausted to care. ‘I can’t think even Charles began his sinful career so young.’
At the mention of Charles his face closed abruptly. Turning away from her, he stared out over the river. ‘Let’s not talk about your brother, eh?’
Louise looked sideways at his profile, wondering at the sudden change in him. A moment ago he’d seemed contrite and approachable, yet now the barriers were up and he was angry again. As she watched him, the emotional longing surged within her, but he showed no sign of sharing it. Agonisingly, he seemed to be lost to her. There was an implacability about him that she hadn’t seen in the old days.
‘Lloyd, you haven’t forgiven me for deceiving you, have you?’
His expression became even more guarded. ‘Should I have?’
‘But I wrote to you. I thought, when you read my letter you would realize—’
‘That bloody letter!’ he cut her off, jumping to his feet. ‘I’m surprised you’d mention it! It made a joke of everything you’d said to me! You say Charles forced you to go, but it sure didn’t sound like it to me.’
‘How can you say that?’ She was incredulous, her voice shaking. ‘I told you how sorry I was for deceiving you and how devastated I was at leaving.’
He stared at her. ‘Are we talking about the letter Ashford gave me?’
‘But... when did you see Charles?’
It was his turn to look confused. ‘The morning after he took you away from the Jamiesons. Surely you knew he’d ridden out?’
She shook her head.
‘But he gave me your letter then!’
‘Lloyd, I hadn’t even written a letter, at that stage. I didn’t write until we arrived at Banyandah.’
‘Well, I never got that one. I daresay I wouldn’t have read it if I had, after the first one.’ He took a deep breath and shook his head. ‘Which you say you didn’t write? You know, that fits. I remember thinking at the time it didn’t ring true.’
‘What on earth was in it?’
‘Ha! Something about it being funny I’d been courting Harry Ashford’s daughter all this time and hadn’t even known it!’
‘That diabolical brute!’ Louise trembled. ‘I might have guessed he’d make sure you didn’t attempt to follow me. What did he say to you?’
Lloyd turned quickly and walked away a little, not answering. Louise noticed the tense set of his head and her stomach churned. ‘Lloyd, what did he do?’
He didn’t look at her. ‘He just made bloody sure I’d never want to set eyes on any of you Ashfords again.’ Abruptly, he changed the subject. ‘Did he take you to England, then?’
‘Yes. I’ve been back here only six weeks.’
‘I’m surprised you were allowed back.’
‘It’s a long story. The man I was about to become engaged to changed his mind and I was out of favour with my parents. Charles was returning here and in the end they were glad to be rid of me. Besides, I came of age in February and am now presumably old enough to be allowed out of their care.’
She heard the bitter note of sarcasm in her own voice and he swung around quickly. ‘What happened with your beau?’
She met his gaze levelly. ‘He found out about us.’
His eyes flickered. ‘How?’
‘Does it matter?’
He eyed her searchingly for a moment, but let it pass. At last he said, ‘So you were twenty-one this year? I suppose that fits, but was anything else you told me ever the truth?’
She flushed. ‘Most of it was. It was just my actual identity that was false. The rest of it wasn’t so much lies as omissions. I explained everything when I wrote from Banyandah. If you didn’t receive the letter, Charles must have intercepted it. There was one for the Jamiesons, too.’
‘I’m sure they didn’t get theirs, either.’
Her mouth twisted. ‘Lloyd, I don’t suppose you’ll believe this, but I was going to tell you who I was very early in our acquaintance, on that day you took me to the Greenwoods. But you seemed to despise my family so much that I’m afraid I lost my courage.’
‘Yes, I remember that. I remember you talking about the Ashfords.’ His gaze probed her face. ‘And so you left the Barclays just to get away from Charles?’
‘I was young and foolish, Lloyd.’
‘You can say that again! God, I wish you’d just gone to England and none of this would ever have happened. If we’d never met it would have been better for both of us.’
That stung, even though she’d said much the same thing last night. She turned away blindly, on the verge of tears. ‘Do you really mean that?’
He sat beside her again, hesitating, his voice gentle. ‘Yes, I do. Look at the mess I got you into last night. I wasn’t in any better shape after your brother took you off to England. It ended between us for me then, Louise. I can’t go back now.’
Her voice was so choked it was an effort to speak. ‘It may have ended for you, but it certainly didn’t for me.’
‘What do you mean? I thought you said you nearly got engaged to someone else.’
Oh God, should she tell him? Much better to let him remain in happy ignorance. And yet, perhaps it was important to make him appreciate how much she’d suffered. The knowledge of the child was the only thing that might bring him back to her now.
‘Lloyd, what we did was wrong and you may think it had finished when Charles took me away, but in truth it had only just begun. There’s a little boy back in England who won’t escape the consequences of it, ever.’
There was a dawning fear on his face, along with denial, as if he preferred not to comprehend her words. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘I’m talking about our son. You see, when Charles took me to England I was carrying your child.’
He paled, his face and body stiffening. His obvious distr
ess made her want to take her words back. Better to have kept that particular agony to herself. But it was too late now.
The silence stretched on, interminably. Lloyd had turned away from her and sat mutely, unmoving except for the stalk of grass he kept twisting in his strong brown fingers. She watched anxiously as he stared at some indistinct spot on the far bank of the river, as if he might find an answer there–something to help him adjust to this disclosure that had just turned his world upside-down. At some stage his lips moved as if he was talking to himself and his Adam’s apple rippled his throat as he swallowed.
When at last he spoke aloud his voice was strained, the question abrupt. ‘So what happened to the baby?’
‘My parents took him away and gave him to the coachman and his wife at Fenham Manor. Don’t worry; no-one could care for him more dearly than they do. They hadn’t any children of their own, you see.’
‘A little boy! Poor little bastard!’ He turned to stare at her, as if trying to read her thoughts. ‘Did you want to keep him?’
‘Oh yes, I begged and pleaded for it.’ Her voice was flat and lifeless. ‘He was all I had left of you.’
Lloyd put his hand to his brow and bowed his head, wincing visibly. ‘God, Louise, I’m sorry. To think I put you through that. I’ve always despised blokes who went around fathering nameless brats. Looks like I’m no different. I never even tried to be careful with you.’ He rested his elbows on his bent knees and buried his face in his hands.
At last he looked up at her again. ‘Are they poor, these people he’s with? Does he get enough to eat?’
‘Yes, I’m sure he does. There’s plenty of fresh, wholesome farm food. He won’t have money, but he’ll be given the chance to work his way up in the stables as his foster father did. As long as there are Ashfords at Fenham Manor he’s assured of a position there.’
‘Yeah. Me son working for Charles Ashford. That’s fate for you.’ He plucked another blade of grass and shredded it into tiny pieces, his mouth twisting. ‘I suppose I’ll never see him.’
‘Since the day he was born, I’ve only seen him once myself. He has my colouring, but he looks like you, Lloyd. He’s a beautiful little boy.’
He managed a brief smile at that. ‘If he looks like me he could hardly be beautiful.’
She echoed the smile. ‘Nevertheless, he is beautiful and he does look like you, so make of that what you will.’
Lloyd reached for her hand and clasped it in both of his. ‘How did your parents take it?’
She uttered a short, mirthless laugh. ‘They despised me, of course. But I suppose they did what they considered was their best for me. Other girls in the same situation have been thrown out, so I was lucky to escape that. They gave me another chance, but I spoiled it all in the end.’
‘What do you mean?’
She shrugged. ‘The baby was the best-kept secret of the century and they even had me presented to the Prince and Princess of Wales. Just as my engagement was about to be announced, the man in question discovered everything. As you can imagine that put an end to it.’
‘Who were you going to marry?’
Her mouth twisted. ‘Mr Richard Langley, the youngest son of a vicar from Sussex.’
He stared at her. ‘The son of a vicar?’
Louise almost smiled at his expression. ‘He wasn’t in the least religious, Lloyd. As a matter of fact, if my parents hadn’t been so anxious to be rid of me I wouldn’t have been allowed near him. Richard had little money and he was irresponsible and not particularly moral, but he was intelligent and attractive and very amusing.’ She didn’t add he had aristocratic connections; that hardly seemed relevant.
‘Did you care for him?’ Lloyd’s tone was jealous.
She remembered Richard’s careless sophistication and his polished, artful courtship, so different from the earthy sincerity with which Lloyd had wooed her. She didn’t need to reflect on it to know who would make the better husband.
‘I was fond of him and I found him attractive, but I’m sure he would have made me miserable,’ she said at last.
He turned away from her. ‘Why don’t you marry Jack Barclay? I saw the lovesick way he was looking at you last night. He has more to offer you than I have.’
‘I think he’s had second thoughts about me already. I’m sure he wouldn’t have me if he knew the truth.’
‘You wouldn’t have to tell him.’
She shook her head. ‘I couldn’t live a lie like that for the rest of my life. I’m through with lies. You’ve no idea what a nightmare it was, hiding myself from the world for all those months so no-one would see my condition. Besides, I don’t love Jack.’ She looked at him bravely, sacrificing her pride. ‘I love you, Lloyd. I have always loved you and oh, how I wish I’d married you when you first asked me. I was such a coward, procrastinating because I didn’t have the courage to tell you who I really was. Richard Langley was a poor substitute.’
Lloyd stirred restlessly. ‘How can you possibly still want to marry me after associating with all the aristocracy of England? Last night sitting across the table from you, I wondered that I’d ever dared to touch you. You looked so different, so much the grand lady.’
‘I fell down in the role shortly afterwards, as you know.’
‘Not without reason.’
She looked at him searchingly, suspecting a further reason for his reluctance. ‘Are you involved with anyone else?’
He went very still. ‘What makes you ask that?’
‘I just guessed. It was in my mind that I might find you already married.’
‘No, but there’s Mercy–I’ve been seeing a bit of her, though I haven’t asked her to marry me yet.’
‘Is she expecting you to?’
His lips twitched. ‘You know Mercy. I wish she’d outgrown her fancy for me, but she hasn’t. And she’s become very...fetching.’ He paused and Louise knew it was her turn to look jealous. ‘I’ve started building a new house, but I’ve kept putting off asking her. I was tired of being on me own, but I wasn’t sure...’ He sighed. ‘I feel like a cad for encouraging her at all, now. If only I could have married you two years ago–you were broken-in to the life then. But when I think about the places you’ve been and the life you’ve lived...’
‘That life is finished for me now. I never chose it and even if I wanted to, I couldn’t go back. There’s been too much gossip.’
‘So I’m the best prospect that’s left to you? You have come down in the world, Louise Ashford.’
‘It was you who brought me down, Lloyd Kavanagh.’
‘You’re right, it was. I owe it to you to marry you if that’s what you want.’
She bowed her head at his lack of enthusiasm and his voice softened. ‘I’m sorry, but this takes a lot of getting used to. I’ve spent the last two years hating you, but I can see now it was your brother’s plan. Damn, he’s a clever, cruel bastard.’ He lifted his hand to brush the hair away from her face. ‘How can you be an Ashford and still be the person I thought you were?’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t know. All I know is, I don’t fit in with them. I think I was always a little different, but the time I spent away from them changed me irrevocably.’
‘There’s something else I should tell you, Louise. Ted Weatherby comes from Grenfell, where me family is. He’s only been up here for eighteen months or so. I asked him for news of them and it wasn’t a pretty story. One of me brothers is doing time in Bathurst Gaol for highway robbery.’ He snorted derisively. ‘He must fancy himself as a bushranger, the silly b... Most of the others haven’t turned out much better.’
‘What of your parents?’
‘Ma’s living with one of me sisters and Dad died of consumption two years ago. I bet Ma’s pleased to be rid of him.’
She was silent for a moment. It repelled her to think Lloyd’s brother was a felon, but she wasn’t particularly proud of her own brother. ‘I’m sorry, Lloyd, but you can’t be held responsible for the rest of your
family.’
He smiled. ‘I don’t deserve such loyalty. But if we’re going to get married we’d better do it quick, before Charles gets wind of it.’
‘What can he do? I’m twenty-one. Papa said he’d washed his hands of me and Charles told me I could do what I liked and be damned to me.’
Lloyd regarded her pensively, his thoughts troubled. It was typical of Louise that she should reappear and in less than twenty-four hours turn his world completely upside-down. In all decency he couldn’t do anything else but marry her. What he’d suffered was nothing to what she’d been through and if he walked away from her today he knew he would be of no use to Mercy or any other woman. Even now the urge to hold her and do a lot else besides, threatened his determination to keep a cool head.
On the other hand the grief Charles Ashford had caused him could not be erased so easily. And he dreaded hurting Mercy again. It was all such a mess and had been ever since that day Ashford came into their lives and disrupted all their plans.
‘Louise, I think we’d better go back and talk to your cousins now.’
‘Yes, we should.’ She let him help her rise and brushed off her skirt. ‘I know they’re worried.’
‘They’ll think it’s a bit sudden, but I don’t trust Charles, no matter what he said. And how can I court you from Myvanwy? It’s more than a day’s ride. I’d have to take three days off to visit you and I don’t have that much time to spare right now. Besides, we did our courting two years ago.’
‘Just how soon are you thinking?’
‘I’ll go home and finish the house. Then I’ll take you to Rockhampton and we can be married there.’
Chapter Twenty-three
Leaving Lloyd to wait on the front step, Louise went in search of Mary. She found her in the garden, weeding her geraniums. The older woman put down her trowel and stood up, stripping off her gloves.
‘Come and sit on the back veranda, where it’s cool.’ Mary seated herself on one of the homemade chairs, facing Louise. ‘You look much happier than you did this morning. Did you and Mr Kavanagh reconcile your differences?’
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