My eyes narrowed. “Just tell me why you were so happy this morning and what changed.”
“It doesn’t matter. It was a stupid idea, and I just realized that it won’t matter.”
“What won’t matter?”
The bell rang, and Weston sighed. “C’mon, Erin. We can talk about it later.”
A loud conversation erupted in my mind. The words wait, patience, and now came up the most.
Weston held out his hand. Part of me wanted to roll myself up in his arms, and the other wanted to slap his hand away. Then, I realized that my thoughts and emotions were just as jarring as his behavior, so I couldn’t fault him for whatever was going on in his head.
“Promise?” I asked.
“Promise,” he said, jutting his hand out for me.
We walked together through the double doors and then down the hall toward my locker. Weston gave me a quick peck before jogging down B Hall for his class, and I hurried to Bio.
Brady was in his seat, scribbling in his notebook. He barely noticed me come in. The swelling had gone down in his eyes, but it was still obvious that Weston had gotten in more than one good hit.
Mrs. Merit shot me a look, but she continued passing out the study guide for the final. “This is a fifth of your grade, ladies and gentlemen. If you intend on walking in Saturday’s graduation ceremony, I suggest making time to study this sheet.”
I held the paper in front of me, seeing all the questions to the test, accompanied by the correct answers. Mrs. Merit’s study guides were always the test and answers in order, and I wondered if the final would be any different. Regardless, just memorizing what answer went with what question would be enough.
“Did you get the punch out of your dress?” Sara asked.
My eyebrows pulled in as I processed her question.
“Your prom dress. I heard Brady spilled his punch on you—well, tossed is more like it.”
I nodded.
“Did he really pour it over your head?”
Brady’s face came into focus just over Sara’s shoulder. He was staring at me with the only eye that wasn’t too swollen to see. I focused back on Sara and then back down to the paper.
“If it’s true, he deserved those shiners. And if it’s not, he probably deserved it anyway.”
“Nobody deserves that,” I said quietly.
Sara seemed shocked, but she didn’t speak. She glanced over her shoulder to Brady, who looked away. “From now on, I bet he’ll keep his drinks away from you—and anyone else he might have wanted to pull that with.”
I pressed my lips together and continued reading down the line of questions, pretending to study them, while Mrs. Merit’s voice droned on in the background. It was hard to concentrate while so many thoughts were swirling inside my head.
The rest of the day seemed to take forever, yet before I knew it, Weston and I were picking up art supplies next to the mural downtown. Mrs. Cup watched us all like hawks. If it seemed we didn’t have complete control of our paintbrushes, she would make sure we remembered her threat to fail us if we used the paint for anything but the mural.
After we were done, Weston held open the passenger door, and I climbed in. He stared up at me, a storm brewing in his eyes. He had been quiet all day, and I wasn’t sure when he would decide to talk about what was bothering him.
He made me wait until we were in his basement.
“Do you have homework?” he asked.
“I have to study for finals.”
“Me, too,” he said, picking at the sole of his shoe. He was quiet for several moments, and then he heaved a heavy sigh. “What if I…” He frowned.
“What if you what?” I said, pressing him.
The room was quiet. The television was dark. Peter and Veronica were still at work. The basement felt a mile underground instead of just downstairs. But still, he wanted to tell me whatever he had been holding back in the privacy of his space, on his turf, where he felt safe and in control. I swallowed. For the first time, I felt scared of what he was about to say.
“Are you breaking up with me?” I asked.
He made a disgusted face and turned away from me, shaking his head. “You would have to be my girlfriend for me to do that.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I said, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end. Every inch of my skin felt raw, like the scars I’d built up over the years had just disappeared, leaving me defenseless.
Weston was instantly sorry for his comment, grabbing my hands. “That’s not what I meant. I just meant that you aren’t really mine. At least, that’s how it feels.”
I stood up. “Then, what are we doing?”
Weston coaxed me back down to sit next to him. “I’m saying this all wrong. I’ve been going over what I would say all day…all week, and I’m still screwing it up.”
“Screwing what up? What is going on with you?”
He took a deep breath. “It freaks me out when you talk about August. I think about our relationship existing on the phone and holidays, and it freaks me the eff out, okay? I thought maybe…I was thinking I could enroll at OSU. Then, maybe if I’m there at O-State with you…”
“What?”
“Then, this morning, you…I remembered…”
“Remembered what?”
He breathed out like he’d been punched in the gut. “You don’t need me, Erin. And that scares the hell out of me.”
I thought about his words. He looked wounded, and even though I wanted to be truthful, it was dishonest to hurt the man I loved.
I carefully chose my response. “What makes you think I don’t need you?”
He looked away. “You don’t need anyone. I was…I’m too late. I waited too long. You’ve had to build walls. You’ve made plans for your future that don’t include me. Maybe it’s pathetic that I’m thinking of ways to keep from losing you, but I’m finally where I want to be.”
“You want to be in Dallas.”
“I want to be with you.”
“Weston, couples go to different colleges all the time. It’s going to be an adjustment, not seeing each other as much, but it won’t be the end of the world.”
“See?” This time, he was the one standing up. He pointed at me while pacing. “That. That right there. Yes, I’m worried about going in different directions, that we’ll grow apart, that you’ll meet someone new. You’re not?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“The fact that you’re not worried about it kills me, Erin. It makes me wonder if you love me at all.”
The skin around his eyes was tight, and I could see his pulse throbbing on one side of his neck.
“You want me to make promises I can’t keep. You said we would wing this together. I’m winging it. I don’t know what has changed—or why.”
He grabbed the remote off the table and chucked it across the room. The black plastic exploded into a hundred pieces, bursting in every direction. I jumped, covering my nose and mouth with my hands.
Weston clasped his fingers at the crown of his head while he continued to pace back and forth, his cheeks flushed with frustration. “We’re a little past winging it, Erin! Don’t you think? I mean, what is this to you? Are you just passing the time until you leave for college?”
“No!” I said.
I was half-insulted but also half-desperate to make him feel better, to calm his fears, but neither one of us knew what would happen for sure. He would know I was lying if I tried to say otherwise.
I stood, pulled his hands from his head and wrapped his arms around me. “Stop! Stop.” I tried to keep my voice low. I pressed my cheek against his chest, making the subtle wheezing in his lungs more noticeable to me, and it worried me.
He looked down into my eyes, searching for something. “Are you set on OSU? The University of North Texas is not even an hour away from where I’ll be. It’s one of the largest public universities in the nation. Next year, we could find a place somewhere in the middle—”
I shook my head. “I’ve already been accepted. I haven’t even applied to UNT. The out-of-state tuition would be ridiculous.”
“Sam and Julianne are paying, remember? UNT is a great university that offers everything OSU offers. There’s not an Art Institute near Stillwater. Just apply, and—”
“I’m not going to gouge my parents, so I’ll be more conveniently located for you.”
“For me?” he said, incredulous.
“And now you’re talking about moving in together? In a year? I think I would have been more prepared for you to break up with me.”
Weston’s mouth fell open, and I winced with regret.
“I’ve wanted to go to OSU my entire life, Weston. Please try to understand that.”
“I’ve been in love with you my entire life.”
I sat on the couch and covered my face with my hands. After several moments of silence, I looked up at him. He hadn’t moved.
“What is this? An ultimatum? If I don’t go to UNT, what then?”
He sat next to me. “It’s not an ultimatum. I was hoping you’d be excited. You haven’t decided on a major. I just don’t see why you can’t go there instead. If you’re wanting to get out of Blackwell, I can promise you that you’ll run into a lot less people at UNT than you will at OSU.” When I didn’t respond, he continued, “Did you know that Brady’s going to OSU?”
“No, he’s not,” I said, shaking my head.
“The Becks are OSU alumni.”
“That doesn’t mean that he—”
“He’s going to OSU, Erin. He’s been accepted. He’s going. And I can’t protect you from him if I’m in Dallas.”
“It’s a big campus.”
“Erin—”
“No. You’re not going to scare me into doing what you want. I’m not afraid of him. I’ve never been afraid of him—or anyone.”
“Then, what’s the point? What does it matter if you leave Blackwell when you’ll be dealing with the same people?”
“It’s not high school. It’ll be different. I doubt I’ll ever see him.”
“Why are you being so stubborn about this?”
“I’m not being stubborn! It’s just something I want!”
“You’ve never even been to the goddamn campus, Erin! How do you know if that’s what you want?” he yelled. The veins in his neck were bulging from his reddened skin. He turned away from me. Then, he stood up and began pacing again with his fingers laced on top of his head.
“You loved me before you spent time with me. Sometimes, you just know.”
Weston turned and sat on the coffee table in front of me, leaning over and gripping my knees. “I am. I am so in love with you. I don’t want to be just a stop on your way out of here.”
“You’re not,” I said, a little too much desperation in my voice.
“No relationship will work if it’s not a priority. Definitely not a long-distance one. I’m afraid if it’s not easy, if it’s too much work, you’re going to call me one day and tell me it’s over. I need you to need me, Erin. If you don’t, you’re not invested enough to make this work.”
“Weston, are you listening to me? I’m telling you—”
“Everything but what I want to hear.”
I frowned. “You want a promise.”
“I could make that promise. Right here, tonight, I can promise you that I can make this work. I can promise that I won’t give up.”
I felt tears burning my eyes. “That’s like promising you won’t die or promising you’ll never hurt someone. Some things aren’t in our control. You can’t promise we’ll stay together because you don’t know how you’ll feel a year from now.”
“Yes, Erin. I can.” He watched me for a long time, and then his jaw tensed. “Is it me you don’t believe in? Or us?”
“A few months ago, you were in love with a different Erin.”
He glared at me. “You know that’s not true.”
“I’m not being difficult, Weston. I’m being realistic. I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“Then, promise you’ll try.”
“Of course I’ll try.”
He touched his forehead to mine, unsatisfied even with the words he’d asked me to say. “We don’t have much time left. I’m counting down the days until we pack up and drive in different directions. It feels permanent. I don’t know what’s going to happen a year from now, but I know I will never get over you. And I will do anything to keep from having to try.”
“Weston,” I whispered. I sucked in a breath. A tear spilled over and fell in a line down my cheek. “I can’t do this for you. I have to do this for me.”
His face compressed as if he were in pain, and he spoke in a begging tone, “I know we’re high school kids, and it’s crazy to feel this way, but college is four years of my future. The rest is all you.”
I took a deep breath and touched his cheeks with my hands. “One of these days, you’re going to be staring at my Oklahoma State degree on the wall in our house somewhere in Texas, and I’m going to remind you about our last week of high school and how worried you were over nothing.”
He laughed once without humor, and he looked so deeply into my eyes that my walls couldn’t keep him out. “That sounds a little like a promise.”
I bit my lip. “It’s a prediction.”
He looked down at the floor and then back up at me with a contrived smile. “I’ll take what I can get.”
I FROWNED as Julianne pinned the maroon graduation cap onto my head. It was square and awkward, and it didn’t make me feel accomplished at all.
“Whose idea was it to wear hats that make us look stupid on a day when we’re supposed to feel smart?” I asked.
Julianne chuckled.
Sam crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the doorjamb. “I think you look very beautiful and incredibly smart.”
I offered a small smile. “Thanks.”
“I’m surprised you can fit your brain into that cap,” Sam added, pushing up his round tortoise shell glasses.
A single laugh burst from Julianne’s mouth, and then she pressed her lips together, shaking her head as she continued to place pins in my hair.
“Very funny,” I said, trying hard not to laugh, too.
Julianne kissed my cheek. “All done,” she said, walking to stand next to her husband.
Sam held Julianne against his side.
My mother held her fingers to her mouth and then rested her temple against Sam’s shoulder. “Look at her.”
“I’m looking,” Sam said quietly.
Their expressions were that mixture of happy and sad that I’d become accustomed to from witnessing them simultaneously mourning the daughter they had lost and celebrating the daughter they had found.
Julianne’s cell phone rang, and she answered with a chipper voice, “Hi, Veronica.” Her voice immediately lowered to a whisper, and she ducked into the hallway. “I don’t…yes, she’s here. I don’t know. I’m sure she could, but…okay. Of course. Of course. Bye.” She returned to the room, her eyes dancing between Sam and me. “Weston’s…not doing well.”
“His asthma?” I asked, taking a step.
She shook her head.
“What’s wrong?” Sam asked.
“He’s upset,” Julianne said.
I knew what she meant, and apparently, so did Sam because his eyes lit with realization.
“I don’t know how to make him feel better. I’ve tried,” I said.
“I’m not sure anyone can,” Sam said. “It’s something he might have to work out on his own.”
“He was thinking about enrolling at OSU,” I said.
“He what?” Sam said, pushing from the doorjamb to stand straight.
“Then, he asked me to enroll at the University of North Texas. It’s less than an hour from the Art Institute of Dallas.”
Julianne glanced at Sam before looking back at me. “Is that what you want?”
After some hesitation, I shook my head. “N
o. I want to go to OSU.”
“Then, you shouldn’t change your mind,” Sam said.
I picked at my nails. “He made good points. He said that UNT offers the same programs, but there’s not a comparable art school near OSU. Since I haven’t decided on a major, he doesn’t understand why I won’t switch schools.”
“He doesn’t have to understand,” Sam said. “I’m not apathetic to his feelings. I recognize his fear. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I were in his shoes,” he said, looking lovingly at his wife. “I’m sure it’s worrisome, not knowing what might happen when you feel strongly about someone. But he has to let you go, Erin. If it’s meant to be, it’ll work out.”
“He doesn’t have to let her go,” Julianne said. “They can make it work, if that’s what they both want.”
I nodded.
“Is that what you want?” Julianne said.
“I love him. But I love me, too.”
Julianne sighed and walked the few steps to pull me into one of her amazing hugs. “As you should.”
“He’ll be okay,” Sam said. “I have a feeling he’s anxious about a lot of things. He’s got some big changes coming up. You both do.”
Julianne gave me one more hug before releasing me. She straightened the tassel hanging from my hat and smiled. “Maybe you could go over there before we leave. Cheer him up. It should be a happy day.”
I nodded and walked past her and Sam to the hall, and then I descended the stairs. The front door whined as it opened, and I stepped out into the bright sunlight. With every step I took, my heart felt heavier, and my head felt fuller with thoughts of what to expect when I walked into the Gates’ home. Sam’s and Julianne’s words stuck to the inside of my mind, repeating to the beat of my steps.
He’s upset.
You shouldn’t change your mind for anyone.
It’s worrisome.
He doesn’t have to let her go.
Is that what you want?
He’ll be okay.
I knocked on the thick wooden door and waited. After a full minute, no one came, so I knocked again. I waited, and nothing happened.
I turned the knob, and I could hear voices coming from the back of the house, probably the living room. I walked in and closed the door behind me.
Happenstance: A Novella Series: Part Three Page 7