Insipid
Page 7
“Jade,” he says with a sigh, “why are you doing this to me now? You know I would love to, but the client is waiting for me. We’re having lunch with their underwriters.”
“Oh.” I try to hide the disappointment in my voice. “Okay. Go, don’t be late. We’ll talk later.”
SIX O’CLOCK. STILL no word from him. I don’t know what to think about anything. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’ve scared him off. Maybe I came across as some neurotic, desperate woman. I feel foolish and stupid, so I turn off my phone and bury myself in a myriad of open items. An hour later, as I trudge down the long hallway on my way back to my office from the pantry across the street, I see my old friend, Matt, from one of our divisions in Ohio.
“Hey, stranger!” he greets me excitedly. “How are you?”
“I’m great, Matt! What are you doing here?” I ask as he reaches out to give me a hug.
“Just got out of a sales meeting. Where are you off to?” His trademark smile and wavy blond hair makes me remember how many hearts he broke when he was assigned to the Chicago office.
“Oh, nowhere. Back upstairs. Trying to finish a report due tomorrow,” I lie. I’m inexplicably at the beck and call of some smug guy who thinks I’m sitting around waiting for him to call. And I’m ashamed to admit that he’s right.
“Can I buy you a quick drink before you retreat back into your cave?” he asks, his fingers encircling the crook of my arm. “It’s been so long, we have a lot of catching up to do.”
“Oh, hell, why not? One drink.”
No more waiting.
Matt and I go way back to when he was on the sales force in Chicago. We traveled overseas together, sometimes for weeks at a time, and so I missed his friendship when he was transferred to Ohio a few years ago. He’s my age and divorced with two children. He and his ex-wife have an amicable relationship, which makes him very active in his family’s life. His marriage was a casualty of the life of a road warrior. He lives alone now but is never outside of a relationship.
We decide to walk to a different bar, blocks away from the office. No matter where you go in this town, the nightlife is hopping. We sit at the bar on a dead end corner where there’s nothing else next to me but the bathroom wall. Matt walks away for a few minutes, only to return with my usual drink and a whiskey straight on the rocks for him.
We catch up on his life in Ohio. He’s seeing three women but misses the settled life that he had with his wife. He tells me that he wants back into his marriage. He realizes that what matters are his children and what he hoped would be a best friend and lover that he could come home to at the end of every day. It’s heartbreaking to hear him speak only because he embodies most of the misgivings I have in my own life. By my third drink, I’ve grown quiet, partly because I’m starting to feel my emotional exhaustion and partly because the bartender has spiked these drinks so much that I’m feeling lightheaded.
“He’s not worth it. If he’s making you feel this miserable, he’s not the guy for you.”
“What are you talking about?” I feign innocence.
“Jade. I can see it in your eyes. Which are still as expressive as ever, by the way,” he teases. “I can see how sad you are. What’s going on?”
“I’m just tired of feeling this way. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotion for me, and I think it’s all in my head.”
“What’s in your head?”
“That he’s even interested in me.”
“Oh, holy hell. Who wouldn’t be interested in you?”
“Stop it. I’m serious. I’m so much older.”
“And? So? Has anyone told you that you look 20?”
“Matt. Please. I really don’t feel like talking about it.”
“Jade, listen to me. Whatever you’re feeling right now, if it’s making you sad and unhappy, then you shouldn’t pursue it. I’ve never known you to be like this. You’ve survived years and years in your career without falling for the millions of passes men have made at you. I watched it when we were traveling together. I used to think, ‘Wow, this woman. She’s just so put together. She can take care of herself.’”
“I know,” I acknowledge sadly. “Maybe it’s age. Maybe I’m getting old and sappy and needy. Look at me, I can’t even hold three drinks together.”
“Well, first of all, you’re not a drinker. And for some reason, this dick is getting to you but he doesn’t deserve you. Move on. Don’t give him the benefit of doing this to you.”
“Matt?”
“Hmm?” he responds as he motions for another drink.
“Do you think I’m going to die without ever feeling the way that I felt when I first fell in love? Do you think there’s such a thing as being too old to want to feel that way?”
“Oh, no.” He takes my hand in his and lovingly caresses them with his thumbs. “No. We’re not too old. But we’re old enough to know that superficial love always carries an expiration date with it. Sometimes you get so caught up in the here and now, the instant gratification, that it blurs your vision and prevents you from seeing things as they truly are. Everything fades away with time. When all is said and done, the loud noise of all that excitement and passion will eventually quiet down. The trick is to keep the music going. My wife, Michelle, she’s the music that’s been in my head all this time, I just didn’t take the time to hear it.”
“That loud noise. It reverberates in my ears every waking hour of the day. I can’t shake it off.” I laugh, embarrassed at my own admission. “And about Michelle, tell her. Tell her exactly what you just told me.”
“What keeps you going?” He makes my confession sound terribly irrational. After all, it’s a little bit unusual for someone to affirm that the source of her stress is also the object of her devotion.
I don’t hesitate to respond—I have my answers. “He makes me feel young and alive. One happy moment with him trumps all the tears and stress of the times I spend without him. It sounds crazy. I think I’ve totally lost it.”
“Ask yourself this. Do you see a future with him? Are you even in love with him or is he merely filling a gap left behind by the events of the past year?”
“I honestly think both answers are No.”
“Okay, then how ‘bout this one. Will he do anything for you? Will he put his life and career on the line for you?”
“No. I don’t believe so,” I concede dejectedly.
Our conversation is interrupted by the ringing of my phone. I don’t answer it. I let it go to voicemail. It rings again and I ignore it. On the third ring, Matt presses the green button and places it against my ear. I glare at him and take the phone from his hand.
“Yup.”
“Jade, where are you?”
“Out.”
“Out where? I’m packing up to meet you.”
“Who said we were going to meet tonight?” I say defiantly. “I’m busy.”
“With whom?”
“Matt. My friend.”
“Who? Where?”
“I’m out, Lucas. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I hang up the phone, but of course, he calls back.
“Lucas, I’ll call you tomorrow!” I exclaim without a greeting.
“No. I’m coming now. Where are you?”
“I’m at—” I start to giggle. “I don’t know. Where are we, Matt?”
Matt rolls his eyes and says into the speaker, “Wacker and Wabash.”
“Yeah. Here,” I sneer.
Ten minutes later, Lucas comes strutting into the bar. He dodges his head from side to side, trying to spot me. A smile lights up his face as soon we lock eyes.
“That’s the dude?” Matt asks. “He looks like a fucking model and you’re still too pretty for him.”
“Well, that’s what the chicks at the office said about you!” I taunt affectionately.
Lucas circles around the bar as if he’s marking his territory. He stands directly behind me and kisses the top of my head, slipping his fingers through my scarf and stroking my neck.
“No!” I squeak. “Stay for another drink!”
“I think you’ve had enough,” Lucas interjects, apparently amused at seeing me so animated. “I’m here to take you back to your hotel.” He centers his attention on Matt, who stands protectively next to me, waiting for me to give him permission to leave.
I stand up to wrap Matt in my arms. I’m truly going to miss my friend. I think this run-in and his advice was just what I needed. “Thank you for everything,” I whisper into his chest, noticing that Lucas continues to look at him with interest.
“Take care of yourself, my friend. And be careful,” he whispers back.
Lucas helps me get into my coat. By the time I’m buttoned up and ready to go, Matt is gone.
I STUMBLE BACK to the hotel with Lucas by my side, holding me up. “I’m fine,” I tell him, trying to put some space between us.
“Jade. Let me take you upstairs. I’ll leave you at your door.” I don’t say anything. I move ahead, knowing that he’s following right behind me.
“Wait. Where are my keys?” I fish through my purse, removing bit by bit of what’s in there, swishing my hand around, desperate to feel the elusive key card which is nowhere to be found. “Oh, wait. It’s in my pocket!” I laugh as I slip it into the slot.
He follows me inside the room and picks up after me—first lining up my shoes on the mat, then grabbing my jacket, which I flung on the floor, and my purse, which fell from my arm as soon as I stumbled in the door.
“Gosh, I have to pee so badly,” I say, leaving him standing in the hallway acting as a coat rack and a purse hanger.
He’s sitting calmly on the edge of the bed when I emerge a few minutes later.
“Thanks for taking me home. I’ll be fine from here.” All of a sudden, I’m feeling a swirl of emotions. I’m angry, and frustrated, and I want to cry because nothing has turned out the way I hoped that it would. He reaches out for me as I move past him. I twist my body around so his hands slip off my waist. “We have two more days left, Lucas. When am I going to see you again?”
“I don’t know,” he says solemnly. “We have to talk.”
“I’m in no position to talk right now, as you can plainly see,” I counter. I boldly take a seat on his lap. He immediately wraps his arms around me and I place my head squarely on his shoulder. “I’m tired and I just want to go to bed.”
“I know, baby. I’m sorry this visit didn’t go as well as we both hoped. The merger’s not done yet and I don’t want you risking anything. There’s just too much to lose from your end.”
I lift my head up to look at him.
“Those eyes. They drive me crazy, Jade. You just don’t know how much I want to be with you.”
“Then why didn’t you make an effort, Lucas? Why didn’t you go out of your way to see me more while you’re in town? I can’t believe that I booty called you at noon today. I’m so embarrassed! Do you even know what a booty call means?”
He chuckles as he gently moves to cradle my face in his hands. “I’ve watched enough American movies to know what that means.”
“Yeah, rub it in. I don’t find you funny.”
“Oh, Jade. All this work for the merger. What happens isn’t just going to affect you or me. Your office, my business. They’re all riding on this transaction. I’m putting in all this effort to make sure that it goes through. And then we can decide what to do as soon as this is over.”
“And here I am thinking that you would throw it all away for me,” I say bitingly.
He drops his head down and responds somberly, “If you only knew.”
“I’m kidding, Luke,” I say, sounding quite annoyed. I try to lighten my tone but he doesn’t hear me.
“What we have, Jade,” he murmurs, “it’s no laughing matter to me. I didn’t plan it, but here it is. And I wish that the situation was different. I wish I met you under other circumstances.”
“It is what it is,” I respond. I think about what Matt had said, how Lucas will never give up anything to be with me. Unlike everything that I was willing to give up for just a single moment with him. “And now, I just want to go to sleep.” I stand up and make my way to the side of the bed. “Show yourself out, Lucas.” I don’t wait to see what he does or where he goes. I lay my head on the pillow and immediately pass out.
“UGH!” I MUTTER as the phone rings at exactly seven o’clock in the morning. My wake up call. Time to get up and start another sad day at the office. “Shit! My head!” I croak as I grab my temples with both hands. I hear a low-pitched grumble and affix my eyes on someone sitting up next to me. “Nice glasses,” I say, realizing that Lucas never left. He’s leaning against two pillows on the headboard with a Mac on his lap, typing quietly away on the keyboard. “You didn’t sleep? Why are you still here?”
“First of all, I’m still jet lagged. But more importantly, you looked so cute all curled up and asleep, I just couldn’t leave you.” I see the glint in his eye through the eyeglasses resting low on his nose.
“Seriously, Luke. What are you still doing here?”
“I have to leave today. I have to be at O’Hare by 10:00 am.”
“What? Why? I thought you would be staying until the weekend.”
“Leigh called. He said that the papers are all drawn up and we have some glitches that we need to address right away.”
“Oh.” I sit up and lean against the headboard while he sets the laptop on the floor beside the bed. I can’t deny the look of disappointment in my eyes as the tears threaten to fall down my face.
“Jade. Don’t, please.” He pulls me close to him, holding my head to his chest and tenderly stroking my hair.
My God, Jade, get a grip. You’re showing your weaknesses. What the hell is the matter with you?
“I’ll miss you,” I whisper through my tears.
“Look, I’ll take care of whatever needs to be done right away and then I’ll be back, okay? Two to three weeks tops. I promise. Nothing will change between now and then. This is just the beginning for us. And I’ll call you. Every day.”
At this precise instant, I feel like a little child desperately looking for affection. Or a mistress, clamoring for any little time she can get with her married lover. How did the tables turn so quickly? When did I become this person?
I reach out my hand to caress his face. “I’m saying goodbye now, Luke. I’m going to take a shower and get ready for work. Please. This time, see yourself out.”
I slide off the bed, but he takes hold of my hand to stop me from walking away. With his other arm, he gently guides me back towards him, lowering me onto his lap. Slowly, he pulls my face to his and kisses me. I give in for a moment to savor the feel of his lips. They’re filling every single void in my heart and I hardly even know who he really is. This man is going to break my heart all over again. I peek through my eyelids to watch him get lost in our kiss. His luscious eyelashes, his eyes, his nose. If I keep this up, I’m never going to walk away. Just as our tongues meet, I break away.
“Jade.”
“I still have so many questions to ask you,” I say disappointedly.
“Ask me.” He plants another kiss on my lips and then lightly trails the tip of his nose down my neck.
“What car do you drive? What do you do on weekends? Do you have a dog? Where do you like to shop, what do you cook when you’re at home—”
He laughs despite remaining honed in on my neck. I can barely hear his muffled response. “Silver 2014 Carrera, surf, work out, work, no dog, Versace and anything stir fry.”
“Hmm.” I giggle. “Interesting.”
He takes the lightness in my tone as permission to continue his intention. He begins to unbutton my blouse.
“No, Luke. No more. I can’t do this. Please know I’m not asking for anything from you. You don’t have to give me any guarantees. I went into this knowing that it w
as never going to work. Just know that you have made me feel so much more than I have in a long time. Leave this room knowing that. I’m not going to pretend that you don’t mean anything to me because you do.”
“This isn’t over. Why are you speaking to me like it is?” His face looks pained and for once I want him to say more, but he doesn’t.
“Because whatever happens between now and the next time we see each other, I just want you to know that I’m thankful for the time we spent together. Goodbye, Luke.” I plant a soft kiss on his forehead and will myself to mean it.
“Is that really what you want?” he whispers sadly.
“It’s what needs to happen.” I turn my back to him and slowly walk away.
BY THE TIME I opened the bathroom door, he was gone.
That was two weeks ago. I haven’t heard from him since.
I finally land at the Hong Kong airport and wait for an hour for Olivia’s flight to arrive. We both took direct flights from our respective home cities. I pick her out of the crowd easily—long, flowing dark hair, tall and slim and so very stylish. Her outfit stands out among the well-dressed business people and vacationers. She’s wearing designer clothes in the latest style—a camouflage top with gold pants and black boots. Already there are men flocking around her, fans and strangers just wanting to breathe the same air that she does.
“Hi!” We crash into each other excitedly. “I missed you!” I say as my tears flow freely.
She smiles warmly as I swipe my eyes to dry my tears. “Jade, don’t cry. I’m here now. We’re going to have lots of fun.”
“I know,” I sniff, self-consciously. “I’m just so glad to see you.”
Two hours later, we find ourselves walking up and down the streets of the Tsim Shua Tsui shopping district, an area in the city filled with street markets and designer shops. The Hermes store is practically empty except for us and two other patrons and we take our time placing our names on the waiting list for one of the new styles we’re hoping to score during our stay there.