Her apology makes it even worse. How did it come to be so bad between us? In all the years we’ve been friends, we’ve never fought like this. I don’t say anything back.
‘I’ve said I’m sorry.’ Briana’s voice is tired and angry. ‘What else do you want me to say?’
‘Nothing. Don’t bother.’ With a lump in my throat, I hang up the phone.
When I get to school on Monday, I walk the long way round to my locker. There doesn’t seem any point in heading to our bench. Briana’s probably telling Phoebe about our fight right now. I picture them both checking the path and hoping I don’t turn up.
In homeroom Briana sits next to me like normal, but I have a feeling it’s more out of habit than because she wants to.
‘Hi, Erin,’ she says and bites her lip as if I’m a bomb that’s about to explode.
‘Hi, Briana,’ I say, and stare straight ahead at nothing.
I’m expecting Briana to lean back and talk to Phoebe like she always does, but instead she pulls out her diary, flicking from page to page, biting her lip.
That makes me wonder. Is Briana angry with Phoebe? I turn my head, sneaking a peek behind me.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Phoebe’s long dark hair. Her mouth opens as if she’s about to speak so I quickly turn away. What do I care about Phoebe? None of this would have happened if it wasn’t for her.
It’s the longest homeroom in the history of the universe. Me ignoring Briana. Briana ignoring Phoebe. And Phoebe’s the one who started it all.
It’s like a love triangle, but without the love part.
Maths isn’t so painful. Briana keeps her head buried in her diary. By recess, I realise what I have to do. I grab my muesli bar and head straight for the oval.
Leni is brilliant when I turn up. She stands up and pulls me into the group without missing a beat. I’m glad that she doesn’t ask what’s going on. We talk about the sports carnival for a bit. Then Sophie starts listing each step of her campaign for more ethical food in the canteen, while I stare up the path leading to our bench.
What is Briana saying to Phoebe right now? Are they talking about me? I think about heading over to talk to them, but then I change my mind. What’s the point? All I do is sit there while they talk about guys.
And what do I have to say about them? A whole lot of nothing.
I’m about as low as you can go by the end of the day.
I slump into a free space on the bus and stare out the window.
George drops into the seat behind me and wobbles my backrest. ‘So …’
Not in the mood.
‘… aren’t you going to ask?’ says George.
‘Ask what?’ I wonder what Briana and Phoebe are doing now. I should be glad that I’m free of all that boy talk. Except I’m not glad I’ve lost my best friend.
‘About the Hero Quest movie?’
I shake my head. ‘Not sure that I want to hear how awesome it was, right now.’
‘No, but —’
‘Not today, okay?’
I can feel George’s eyes on me, so I turn to stare out the window again. The bus engine rumbles and hums.
George shuffles in his seat. ‘Is something wrong?’ he asks quietly.
When I look up to see the concern in his face, I immediately feel guilty. ‘Sorry. I just have stuff going on.’
‘Ah.’ His voice drops knowingly. ‘Girl stuff or guy stuff?’
A chuckle escapes. ‘What makes you think it’s either?’
‘Am I right or what?’
Actually, it’s pretty close on both accounts. I shrug.
‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Try me.’
My feet shift on the floor. ‘I don’t know. Sometimes friends just … change, you know?’
‘Yeah.’ George’s voice grows brighter. ‘You haven’t changed, though.’
That’s part of the problem.
A passing ambulance catches his attention and I take the chance to check out his face, wondering what it would be like to be the kind of girl who was crushing on George. She’d definitely like his hair. I’ve never noticed the way it’s almost straight, except it’s almost wavy.
Before I can glance away his eyes slide back and mine drop faster than an atomic bomb.
‘C’mon,’ says George. ‘Shove over.’ He swaps seats and I shuffle over so that we’re sitting next to each other.
‘The girls in our class are always fighting. And I’ll tell you one thing …’ he drifts off, waiting for me to look up.
My eyes slide to George. ‘You’ll tell me what?’
George leans in, so close I feel a piece of his hair brush my ear. ‘Girls always sort it out without having a punch-up.’
That makes me smile. ‘And that’s how guys sort out their problems?’
‘Sometimes.’ He breaks into a grin. ‘And sometimes we just pretend nothing’s wrong.’
I groan, but I’m laughing too. ‘Thanks, George. You’ve been really … helpful.’
George winks. ‘Got you smiling, didn’t I?’
I roll my eyes. But I’m still smiling.
I’m flat all afternoon, even though George cheered me up on the bus. Going online makes me think about Briana chatting to Phoebe; Hero Quest makes me think about missing out on the movie.
After dinner, I decide to run a bath.
Mum pokes her head through the doorway and flicks on the light. ‘What a lovely idea!’
Glad I still have my gear on. I plunge my hand into the water and swirl.
‘Want some candles?’ asks Mum. ‘Black raspberry? Cinnamon spice?’
‘Nah, don’t bother —’
‘I know! Vanilla,’ she says determinedly. ‘Won’t be a tick.’
She’s gone long enough for me to adjust the taps. Swirl again. Mum comes back holding a matching pair of candles in glass holders. She takes some time positioning them on the edge of the bath.
The mood changes as soon as Mum flicks off the main switch. Calm and dreamy. Perfect for a bath.
My head tilts up as I take it in and smile. ‘Thanks, Mum.’
‘Nothing like a soak after a long day.’ Her face in the candlelight looks almost natural, even with all that make-up.
I sit on the edge of the bath. ‘Can I ask a question?’
‘Of course.’ Mum leans against the door frame.
‘Did you go crazy about boys when you were my age?’
Her eyes soften. ‘Pretty much.’
‘And that’s when you started wearing make-up?’
‘Well,’ she says. ‘More or less. When I could get away with it.’
I’m quiet for a bit, running my fingers through the water.
‘Do you want some?’ Mum asks. ‘Mascara, maybe?’
‘No,’ I say quickly. That’s part of the problem. I don’t want any of that stuff. But I don’t like being left behind.
‘Well, good for you.’ The warmth in Mum’s voice makes me look up. She looks me in the eye. ‘Just be yourself, sweetheart.’
Which is what mums are meant to say. We should all be ourselves. So why doesn’t everyone else do the same?
‘I’m proud of you, Erin,’ says Mum. ‘Watching you grow into a woman. I can already see the woman you’ll become. She’s going to be thoughtful. And strong.’
‘Yeah, right,’ I say, then let out a snort because this is back in loopy territory. But still, I think I know what she was attempting to say. It was nice of her to try.
‘Right. Well, I’ll get the dishes done.’ Mum shuts the door quietly.
When the tub’s just over half-full, I turn off the taps, strip off and lie back in the water. It’s suddenly so quiet, just the plip-plops of a few drips. I lift a knee, and then slide it back down with a splash.
I close my eyes and think about the bus trip home. I immediately get this kind of lift, like I have to smile for no reason. I can’t talk to Briana at the moment, not with Phoebe around, but I could say anything to George and I know he’d listen. At least George
is still normal.
My head rests against the edge of the bath and I open my eyes. From here, I have a view of my whole body. Stumpy toes. Scarred knees. My hips stick out. It’s sort of strange, looking at it like this, my body that’s always with me, carrying me around.
In the pale candlelight, my focus moves to my chest. I lift a dripping hand, pushing gently against the side of a boob and watching the way it moves. Maybe the way I feel hasn’t changed, but other parts have — even without me wanting them to.
That starts me thinking about Lucy and Josh. Does she let him see her naked when they’re together? She’d have to. They’re doing it, aren’t they?
In the peaceful warmth I close my eyes, trying to imagine how it feels to press my lips against someone’s mouth, letting him hold me as we kiss …
My eyes pop open and for some reason I giggle. It’s all so weird. How can people do that without getting embarrassed?
Except that’s what the whole world’s always going on about, isn’t it? Find your inner sex goddess. Ten tips to being sexy …
But what if you don’t want to be sexy? What if you want to be smart or funny instead?
I’ll never be one of the magazine-pretty girls, even if I try. But so what? At least I won’t have to stress about my hair or slather crud on my face for the rest of my life.
The next morning I have breakfast in my pyjamas, then head back to my room to get dressed. I pull on a school dress and for a moment just stand there, hands on hips, staring at myself in the mirror. It’s pretty tight up top. My hand hovers over my baggy jumper, then I spin away without picking it up. No more hiding. I am changing, in some ways, but so what? Everyone else is changing too. There’s a whole lot more to me. I pull on my black boots and lace them up.
Already I feel better. Stronger. Like Mum said.
Mum calls bye from the kitchen as I pass, but I don’t stop in case she sees what I’m wearing. I’m late to the stop and almost miss the bus. I climb on and sit near the front, as if preparing. Here I am, world. Take me for who I am.
At school, Nick makes a beeline my way. ‘What are those?’ he asks and points to my boots.
‘These,’ I say, ‘are Doc Martens. What do you think?’
‘You’re not meant to wear them at school.’
My head drops to one side. ‘Why not?’
Just slightly, his forehead furrows. ‘It’s against the rules.’
‘But why?’ I know he won’t be able to answer, but I keep going anyway. ‘Why do teachers get to wear free dress and we don’t?’
Nick’s mouth goes crooked as he thinks about that. After a few seconds he breaks into a grin. ‘You’re funny.’
‘Thanks, Nick,’ I say.
Briana sits next to me in homeroom, same as always. ‘Hey,’ she says, as her eyes drop to my boots.
‘Hey,’ I say vaguely and cross my legs.
I can sense Briana’s eyes on me. ‘How are you, Erin?’
‘Fine, actually.’
We’re talking, but not saying anything. I don’t even check to see if Phoebe’s listening. It’s not as if we can talk properly with everyone else in here anyway.
When Ms Schilling comes in, she peers over her glasses at my boots. ‘Are they regulation, Erin?’
I square my shoulders. ‘They’re leather. And lace-ups. Mum’s podiatrist says these are really good footwear.’
She smiles dryly. ‘Just stay away from Mr Chiu, okay?’
I’m sort of hoping that Mr Chiu will see me because I’m ready with what I’ll say. How come teachers get to wear free dress and we don’t? But I make it to lunch with my boots still on. I end up practising on Leni and her gang instead. Everyone listens as I go through my speech. Then they all crack up.
Sophie gets this sly look in her eye as she nods. ‘This girl I like,’ she says.
At the end of lunch I stride up the path feeling sure in my boots, like I’m more myself than I’ve ever been at school. Leni and her group are walking ahead, but I don’t try to catch up.
From a crowd in front of me, someone stops and says my name. ‘Erin?’
Hmm … Phoebe.
‘Where were you this lunchtime?’ She steps in front of me, frowning slightly. I shrug and gaze up the path. People have to walk in a curve to pass but I don’t move aside.
‘Come on. Don’t be like this,’ says Phoebe. ‘You can still hang out with us, you know?’
Gee, thanks. I cross my arms.
‘Listen, I know what’s going on.’ Her perfect forehead wrinkles, and she glances to one side. ‘You think this is my fault because I hang out with you now.’
Bang on.
Phoebe moves closer. ‘But I’m not trying to get between you two, okay? I never even wanted to come to this school in the first place. I hardly knew anyone at the start of the year. I even got with that sleaze Nelson because I had no-one to hang out with.’ Her voice is close, her eyes searching mine.
I can’t help pulling back. The last thing I want to hear is what she did with Nelson. Why should I care? If it wasn’t for Phoebe, Briana wouldn’t be acting like someone she’s not.
Phoebe takes another step closer. ‘Briana really helped me, you know. And I can see how close you two are. I’m not trying to get in the way. I couldn’t even if I tried.’
Maybe she wasn’t trying to get between us, but that’s exactly what happened. Deep down, I bet Phoebe’s glad. I shake my head. ‘Sure, okay,’ I say sarcastically. ‘None of this is your fault.’
Her eyebrows pinch as if she’s hurt by that. ‘Briana’s really upset, you know.’
For a moment, I imagine how I must seem to Briana and Phoebe. Grumpy. And difficult. But all I can see is Briana talking to Phoebe about this stuff. Discussing it without me around.
Discussing me.
I breathe out in a rush. ‘Listen, don’t worry. I’m over it, okay? This was a long time coming. All this stuff about Hamish and Bradley … to be honest, I’m sick of it.’ It’s a relief, letting this stuff out. ‘How many times have I had to sit there, listening to you two go on and on. I just don’t want to hear it anymore.’
Just slightly Phoebe’s head shakes before her face falls. ‘But you can’t blame Briana for having a crush.’
‘I’m not blaming anyone,’ I say. ‘And this has nothing to do with you.’ Pushing a shoulder forward, I step around Phoebe.
Wow, did that feel good.
I’ve just settled into an empty seat on the bus when George appears from somewhere up the back and flops down next to me.
‘Did you have a haircut?’ he asks. ‘Something’s —’
‘Very funny.’ I roll my eyes. ‘You’ve seen my Docs before. Like every weekend for the past year.’
‘No, it’s not the boots …’ He drifts off, frowning. ‘Anyway, listen —’
He’s barely started when my mobile rings in my bag. ‘Sorry.’ I zip open the pocket without pulling out the phone and peer at the screen. Briana. I sit back in my seat, listening to the phone ring out.
‘So, anyway,’ says George.
Wonder if she left a message? I pick up my phone again to check. Just a missed call.
‘About the Hero Quest movie …’
My mobile chimes a text alert. ‘Sorry,’ I say and lean forwards again, as George sighs. ‘Girl stuff, you know?’ Cupping the phone in my hands, I read the screen.
It’s Briana again.
ru ok?
For a few seconds I stare at those little letters. Does she really care or does she just feel guilty? For all I know she’s standing next to Phoebe as she texts, and that changes everything. Without Phoebe around, we’d have a chance of sorting this out. But now that she’s so close to Phoebe, where does that leave me? What do I have to fight for?
The chance to be the odd one out?
In the end, I don’t reply to Briana. Instead, I just hold the phone in my hand, glancing at the screen every now and then as a nasty reminder of what I’ve lost. Maybe I’ve changed too. But
Briana and I are so different now.
I’m still holding my mobile when we tramp down the aisle to get off. George is first off, waiting to say bye.
‘Catch you tomorrow,’ I say to him as I pass.
He sighs. ‘All right. Bye.’
Mum’s making chocolate brownies when I come in. Lucy’s favourite, but I don’t say it. These days Lucy’s bedroom door is kept shut all the time. It’s as if we’re all pretending she’s still here, just out for the day.
I help for a bit, stealing a taste and crushing the nuts while I chat about Leni and her gang. It’s nice to see Mum’s face relax as she listens.
After that, I finish my homework, and decide to run another bath. It’s better than sitting online, wondering who Briana’s chatting to, or worse, what she’s saying.
The candles are still beside the tub, so I light them again and sink into the warmth. I could get used to this every night. When the water begins to cool I climb out, dripping, and wrap myself in a thick towel.
I’m pulling on my pyjamas when the doorbell rings. My leg hovers, balanced on the edge of the bath as I listen for footsteps coming through from the kitchen.
Nothing. Not even the doorbell again. Mum must be out the back.
Quickly, I pad to the front door. Could it be Briana?
On tiptoes I strain to see through the peephole. A mop of black hair is all that I can make out. Just slightly I open the door, keeping my body hidden behind it.
‘Nice jim-jams,’ smiles George.
‘Thanks.’ Cheeks burning, I shuffle further behind the door so that my head has to lean out sideways. ‘What do you want? Sorry. I mean … hello.’
‘Hi,’ says George, and rocks on the balls of his feet.
‘Are you here to help Dad with his laptop?’
‘No.’ George clasps his hands behind his back and squints at a spot just above my head. ‘I was wondering if you’d like to see Hero Quest at the movies on the weekend?’ It’s as if he’s doing a speech at school.
I can’t help checking behind me. Of course, no-one’s there. I turn back to George. ‘Didn’t you already see it with your mates?’
He grimaces. ‘No, I … that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I didn’t go with them because I thought you might like to go … with me.’
It's Not Me, It's You Page 4