I do have one, but it’s at my place. “It’s that one there, the green one. Can you open the door?”
She hurries to get it open and follows me in. Even though the house is dark, I know my way around. Laying my brother—not so gently—on the couch, I turn to leave. I can feel the cold flowing down the staircase. I can see the shadows dancing everywhere. I have to get the hell out of here. If the things I’ve seen in my dreams ever did come true, I’d end up in a mental institution.
Isabel is looking for something though. “Is there a blanket we can throw over him? And we should take off his shoes too.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake. He’s passed out, Bell. Come on.” I take her by the hand, but she jerks it away.
Without saying a word, she takes off his shoes and grabs the throw that’s on the back of Dad’s old recliner and puts it on my brother. “There. Now we can leave.”
My eyes catch on Dad’s chair, and I freeze there as I go back in time. A time when everything was great in our family. A time when I was a normal guy with normal emotions.
Against my better judgment, I close my eyes and take a deep breath, taking the home of my childhood into my lungs. The mustiness of the old furniture fills my nostrils. “I’ll have new furniture sent over,” that’s all I can say as my heart begins to race and my eyes twitch.
It has been over three years since I have stepped foot in this house. I have no intention of doing it again. Not after all I’ve seen in my sleeping head. Grabbing Bell’s hand, I take her out the door.
I have to get away from that place. I have to stop thinking about them.
Thankfully, Isabel lets me drive to her place in complete silence. No questions, no wondering about what my brother said, just nice quiet nothingness. I pull up behind her car, and she gets out without saying a word and climbs into her car to follow me back.
I sigh as I watch her getting into her car. She’s great. Like one in a million kind of great.
I don’t deserve her love. I don’t deserve anyone’s love.
But my God how I need that woman.
Chapter 13
Isabel
Grant sits silently in the passenger seat of the new canary-yellow Ferrari the club gave to me. He just dropped off his younger brother’s car back at his house, and now I’m taking him home.
I have so many things I want to ask him, but I know better than to say a word. It’s been a month since we put all that shit behind us. We’ve worked extremely well together since we took sex and BDSM off the table and have only dealt with one another on a working basis.
Do I still have strong feelings for the man? The answer to that would be hell yes I do. I love the shit out of him. But I know I’ll never have his love in return. I know he’s incapable of giving his heart away. I accept him the way he is and I’m happy I get to be anything to him. I get to be there for him, whether he thinks he needs me to be or not.
He’s leaning his head on the head rest, his eyes closed. Even as aggravated as he is, he still takes my breath away.
We ride in silence to his place. A quaint little place he calls it. But it’s far from being little or quaint. Twelve thousand square feet give the man every room imaginable. Some of that footage is taken up by a full size, heated, indoor swimming pool. Grecian tile makes it look like something out of a five-star hotel.
Grant Jamison isn’t the kind of man to show off. He never talks about what he has or brags about how grand a style he lives in, but he does live better than most.
I pull into the long drive that leads up to his home, which sits on top of a hill on ten acres. His groundskeeper keeps the place looking immaculate at all times. Lush green grass covers all of those rolling acres. Tall pine trees line the back of the property while oaks and ash trees dot the rest of the place.
Despite its enormous size, the place comes off on the homey side. At least it could with a few feminine touches here and there. Not that Grant would ever allow that.
No, that would be letting someone get close to him. And now that I’ve met his brother and heard a bit about their past, I can see Grant doesn’t let anyone close to him. Not even his own family.
That may sound daunting to some. Like he’s a lost cause. But my heart tells me to keep on keeping on with the man I’ve grown to love. I can never abandon him completely, even if he’ll only ever let me be his friend.
Patience will be required with him, I can see that now.
As I stop at the front entrance, his eyes spring open. The dark blue orbs shimmer as he takes in our surroundings, then he rubs them with the back of his hand. “Here already? That was fast.”
“It was about half an hour.” I give him a smile. “Night then. I’ll see you tomorrow evening at the club.”
But he doesn’t get out of the car. Instead, he lays his head back and gazes at me. “Thanks, Bell.”
With a nod, I know he’s thanking me more for keeping my questions to myself than for the ride I just gave him. “You’re welcome.”
He glances at the time on the clock on the dashboard. “It’s five in the morning.”
“Yes, it is.”
His eyes meet mine once more. “Come inside. There’s no reason you should have to drive to your place. It’ll be another half hour before you get to climb into bed if you do that. And the room you’ve slept in when you’ve stayed over is still there. Right inside that door. What do you say? Wanna stay with me?”
Forever.
But I shake my head. “I’ll be okay. I don’t want to get in your way. Good night, Grant.”
“You don’t want to stay with me. I get it. I just thought that since we put the other stuff behind us, you might feel comfortable with me again. Not that I deserve that. ” His eyes drop, and I catch him looking at the ring on my finger. The one he gave me the first night the club opened.
“It’s not that…”
Before I can say anything else, he’s looking at me again. “It’s because we’re not going to have sex anymore, isn’t it? It’s because you want more out of me than I can give, isn’t it?”
I hold my jaw tightly as I think about what I should say to him. It is because of those things, but I don’t want to say that out loud for some reason. Like it might hurt him, and that’s the absolute last thing I want to do to him.
He hasn’t spoken this way to me since that night. And I honestly don’t feel comfortable with him doing it now. So trying to stay in professional mode, I change my tune, “You know what? I will stay.” I put the car in park and get out. “It’s dangerous for me to be driving this damn tired anyway. Thanks for inviting me.”
He climbs out of the low vehicle that most men as tall as him would have trouble getting in and out of, but he makes it look easy. Gliding out of the car, he comes to me as I walk around it. His hand touches the small of my back. “Good girl.”
My heart clenches in my chest as he talks to me that way. All I want is to be his girl. That’s really all I want. No one would be as good for him as I would.
Damn his tormented mind.
Once we’re inside he turns to me, pressing my back to the closed door. “Grant, please.” I can’t take this kind of physical teasing. It’s just too much.
“Please, Bell. Please, come to my bed with me.” His heart is pounding as he asks me to sleep with him for the first time since that night. We’d had plenty of sex when he and I were training together, but never has he asked me to sleep with him. His forehead rests against mine. “Just for tonight. I just don’t want to be alone right now. I need to feel a body next to mine.”
And mine will do, I suppose.
I don’t say it out loud. But it does hurt the way he puts things sometimes. “Okay.”
He lets out a long sigh then his lips touch mine, sending raw desire through me. It’s the first time since our fallout that he’s kissed me. I want to protest and tell him this isn’t fair to do to me. But I melt into him instead. And when our lips part, I find myself saying, “Thank you.”
P
ulling my hand, he leads me to his bedroom. It’s not a room I’ve ever been in. The one time he fell asleep with me was in the playroom. There’s a bed in there, and we’d had quite a long BDSM session, exhausting us both.
The moment he opens his bedroom door, I can smell him on the air inside the room. It’s dark chocolate brown with teal accents. Decadent is the only word I can use to describe the masculine vibe he’s created in the large room.
A huge four poster bed sits on the far side of the room. The wood of the posts house ornate carvings. There’s a complete set of living room furniture that sits in front of a giant television, which is anchored to the wall.
He picks something up off a tall table, and a fireplace lights up in the corner near the bed. Soft music comes from nowhere and everywhere all of a sudden.
“Nice.” That’s all I can come up with, I’m so impressed. But I’m also so afraid. So afraid that I’m allowing something to happen that will only scar my heart even more.
He stops at the end of his bed and turns to me. His hands move around to the back of my dress, and he unzips it. It falls in a heap at my feet, and he trails kisses along my neck as he unfastens my bra and pulls it off me.
Moving down my body, he pulls my panties off then presses his warm lips against my mound. A shudder runs through me.
I thought he said we weren’t going to have sex anymore.
His hands move up my leg as he comes back up, continuing on their path until they cup my breasts. I feel the tremble in them and put my hands over his. He needs me. He hasn’t said the words to me, but I know it. Something about dealing with his brother has him feeling weak and needy. This is a side he rarely shows. Even though I should stop this from going any further, I can’t help but be here for him—tortured soul and all. I love him and that love runs deeper than even I was aware of. “It’s going to be okay, Grant.”
“No, it won’t be.” His mouth moves over mine, taking my breath away as he moves his hands around my body, cupping my ass. He picks me up, and I wrap my legs around him as he carries me to the bed and lays me down.
I lie there as he releases my mouth then he just gazes at me as I lie on top of the teal blanket that covers his bed. Little by little he starts taking off his clothes as I watch him, and he can’t seem to take his eyes off me.
With no idea what the hell this means for us, if there is an us, I wait to see what he’s going to do next. I can’t ever be sure what the man is going to do. He might fuck me, or he might just put my ass under the covers and hold me while we fall asleep. I’ll be good either way it goes. Right now he just needs comfort—in whatever form that may come—and foolish though I may be, I want to be the one to provide it.
When he’s totally naked, standing over me, with the golden glow of the fire’s light bathing him, he looks like an angel sent from above. I can’t stop myself, “My God, you’re a remarkable man, Grant Jamison.”
“I’m not the one who’s remarkable, Isabel Sanchez. You are. You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever known. And I hate you for it.”
Now, that’s not what I expected to hear at all.
Grant
Moving my body to cover hers, I whisper in her ear, “Damn you, Isabel. Damn you for making me feel things I never wanted to feel.” Her body is hot underneath mine as she lies perfectly still.
Her heart is pounding, and I can feel every beat with our chests pressed together as they are, her soft tits squished by my hard pecs. Her hands move through my hair as she pulls my head back to make me look at her. “I love you.”
Fuck her.
Fuck her for saying that to me. Fuck her for making me so fucking weak. I kiss her so fucking hard our teeth clash. Then I push her legs apart and thrust my hard cock into her without any further foreplay.
It sinks deep into her hot, throbbing cunt. I hate how wonderful it feels. How inviting her whole gorgeous body is to me. Only to me.
I hate it all.
As I plunge into her hard and furiously, I pull my mouth away and glare at her. “How are you doing this? How can you say shit like that to me? I don’t do a thing to deserve love from you or anyone,” I can hear my voice shaking with the emotions rolling through my entire body, and fuck her harder to chase them away. “Yet you continue to say those three words to me. How can you love me?”
With a soft stroke over my cheek, she smiles. “How can I not? I love you, Grant. I do.”
Looking into her deep brown eyes that have transformed into glassy pools of desire, pools of lust, pools of love even, I can feel my heart slipping. Slipping into the abyss that is love.
And I can’t allow that to happen. Pulling my cock out of her, I turn her over and pull her up on her knees then slam my cock into her again. She moans and presses her round, firm ass against me, making me go deeper. Then she falls to the bed on her chest, and I go in even further.
Fucking her hard and fast, I smack her ass over and over and feel her juices increase. “You little slut. You grow more and more wet with each strike.” I yank her hair back, making her neck arch as I pull her up off the mattress. Her cunt clenches on my cock, letting me know that excites her too. “You little whore. You love it when I’m rough with you.”
“I do,” she groans. “I’m your slut, your whore. Only yours, sir. Always yours.”
Always mine.
I don’t even want that.
Do I?
Pulling my cock out of her once again, I turn her on her back, pinning her body to the bed as I straddle her. “Open up.”
She opens her mouth and I press my fat cock into it as I lean over her and hold onto the headboard to fuck her sweet mouth, her ruby red lips. Lips that barely need to touch mine to take me a thousand miles away at any given moment.
Everything about Isabel appeals to me. Tempts me. And I hate it.
I hate it all.
I hate how badly my cock needs to be inside of her. I hate how badly my heart aches when she’s not around. I hate how fucking much I think about her.
“Take it, you bitch. Take it all. You want me? You love me? We’ll see how much longer you can do that.” I move faster and faster as I watch her deep throating me without any problem at all.
She moves her hands up and down my abs, playing with them. Then she moves them lower, running one over the shaft of my cock as it leaves her mouth while the other plays with my balls at the same time.
With a sharp groan, I feel the orgasm moving through me and shoot my load into her mouth. She swallows it all as she moans with pleasure.
How the fuck she got pleasure out of that I will never understand. Even when I’m not being a good Dom, she’s still being the perfect sub.
But the orgasm has settled me somewhat. I shudder with relief. Then guilt moves in, shoving the fear and hatred aside. For now, anyway.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” I move away from her and go get her a bottle of water out of the mini-fridge. Pulling her up, I hold the bottle to her trembling lips.
She takes a long drink then sighs as I pull the bottle away. “You can’t make me hate you. No matter how hard you try, you can’t do that.”
“I will.” I put the bottle down on the bedside table and climb under the blanket. Pulling her into my arms, I kiss the top of her head. “I will make you hate me. You’ll see.”
Cuddling up to me, Isabel kisses my chest then lays her head on it. “I love you. I always will. Goodnight, Grant.”
I’m exhausted. Utterly and entirely. I can’t fight her anymore. I can’t.
But that nasty voice in my head that knows there is no such thing as a love that will last forever pops up inside of me. “You will hate me one day. You will decide I don’t deserve you, and that is because I don’t deserve you. You should push me away, instead of always drawing me in. You should tell me no when I ask you to stay with me. If you had an ounce of self-preservation, you would tell me to fuck off and mean it.”
She raises her head and looks me in the eyes, finally looking a li
ttle annoyed, though patience and affection lurk there too. “Just fucking tell me that you love me too, already. I’m kind of getting tired of waiting for you to say it.”
Do I love her?
If I don’t then why does my heart ache to think of losing her? If I don’t then why does my body crave hers? If I don’t then why can’t my mind stop thinking about her and how wonderful and perfect she is?
It’s been one horrible month without her in my arms. Every night I go into her office to walk out with her as we close up. Every night we go eat with the other owners and talk about the things that happened. And I have had to hold back when all I wanted to do was take her hand. I’ve kept my mouth closed tightly every time she’s gotten out of the car at her place, instead of mine. I’ve wanted to take her home each and every night, but wouldn’t allow myself to ask.
Then my brother shows up and makes me go into the house that fills my nightmares and here I am. In bed with the woman who loves me and would do anything for me. And I can’t even give her three little words to thank her for everything she’s done for me.
But that fear, that gnawing notion that love is a lie answers for me, “I do not love you and I never will.”
What is wrong with her?
What is wrong with me?
Chapter 14
Isabel
One year later
It’s been a year since Grant denied his love for me. One long as hell year. He’s dabbled with other women in that time, but every night he ends the evening with me, in my office.
I never shun the man, although I probably should. The fact is he’s deeply troubled. He stopped the actions his siblings were taking to have his mother’s grave exhumed. They didn’t have nearly enough money to stop him when he hired lawyers to keep his mother’s remains right where they are.
When I allow myself to think about his life, it always makes my heart ache for the poor tortured soul. I don’t blame Grant for how he is. I don’t blame anyone for that. But God, how I wish he’d let me—or anyone, really—help him.
For Love & Torture_A Submissives’ Secrets Novel Page 7