She took her bath and allowed Hildie to smooth her unruly red curls into a ponytail. She was slipping the white dress over her head when her mother came into the bedroom.
“Oh, you look so pretty,” Elizabeth said softly.
Kellen heaved a sigh. “I look like a baby.”
Elizabeth pulled the satin belt a little tighter, realizing suddenly that her daughter was just beginning to develop a figure. “You know, I think you are right,” Elizabeth said. She undid the ponytail and brushed Kellen’s long hair down over her shoulders. “Maybe you are too old for ponytails, too. What do you think?”
Kellen glanced in the mirror and smiled. “Better,” she said. She hugged her mother, and her body, wrapped in the satin robe, seemed to give. She had lost weight, and Kellen was worried because she seemed sad lately. Kellen was sure it was because she wanted to have a baby boy and couldn’t. She had heard her mother and father talking about it last night. She had stood outside their bedroom door, fascinated by their intimate talk. Her mother had cried.
“I wish I was a boy,” Kellen said.
Elizabeth laughed. “Why?”
“I don’t know. Things would be different.”
“Well, you’re right about that. But you are a girl, a very beautiful one.”
“I’m not beautiful. You are. I’m ugly looking.”
Elizabeth smoothed Kellen’s hair. “No, you’re not. Why don’t you ask your date? He’s waiting downstairs.”
Kellen kissed her mother's cheek, and dashed to the top of the stairs. She saw her father standing below, so tall and handsome in his tuxedo, and her heart beat faster in happiness. She held her head up the way she had been taught to in dance class and walked slowly down the staircase.
Adam watched her, his smile growing wider. “You look so pretty, Lil’bit,” he said.
“Daddy, I told you not to call me that!” Kellen said, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, sorry. I guess you are getting too old for that.” He glanced up at Elizabeth, who stood at the top of the stairs. “We won’t be too late,” he said.
“I’ll wait up,” Elizabeth said. “I love you both.”
At the club, Kellen was so happy she barely ate. When the orchestra began to play, Adam led her onto the dance floor. She tried hard to be graceful.
“You dance very well,” Adam said.
“That’s because you lead so divinely, sir,” Kellen said, mimicking the demeanor she had been taught in dance class.
The tone in her voice caught Adam off guard and for a moment she seemed to him much older. But then she giggled and the image evaporated. “I remember when you were little you stood on my feet when we danced,” he said. “Want to try?”
“Daddy!”
“Too old for that, too, huh?”
He looked down at her. He had always been aware that his daughter was pretty. Her face was lovely, almost cherubic, except for her cunning green eyes. She was, he knew proudly, going to be beautiful. There were moments when he saw the hints, moments like now when her resemblance to Elizabeth was startling.
He let his thoughts stay with Elizabeth for the moment. She hadn’t been herself lately. She had been mildly depressed and seemed to tire so easily. She had been this way for nearly two years now. Adam had forced her to see a doctor, who pronounced her healthy but slightly anemic, like many fashionable women who watched their weight. He privately suggested to Adam that rich idle women like Elizabeth sometimes were simply bored or lonely.
Adam found the idea absurd. Elizabeth was involved in dozens of clubs and activities, and their social life was too busy, if anything. But there was something implicit in the doctor’s words that bothered him, that perhaps Adam was neglecting her. She had always been so understanding about his work, never seeming to mind his late hours or frequent trips to the other newspapers. Just the same, Adam felt guilty.
He decided to give Elizabeth a surprise. He bought a home on the ocean just north of Carmel. It was a modern architectural wonder of glass and wood, set on a cove amid wind-swept cypress trees. It was the antithesis of the mansion on Divisadero, a cozy retreat.
Elizabeth loved the beach house. She and Adam spent a week there alone, then they returned to the city because Adam had to go to Las Vegas to meet the owner of the paper there he was considering buying. When he left, Elizabeth was in good spirits. But within a month, her depression returned.
Finally, Adam decided he had figured out the cause. It was so simple but so frustrating, because there was nothing he could do about it. Elizabeth was depressed because they had been unable to have more children. She had always joked about it in the past. But in the last year there had been just a growing despondency and oblique remarks about how she had let Adam down.
Adam did want more children, but he would never tell Elizabeth that now. So he resigned himself to the fact that Kellen was to be their only child.
Now, as he danced with Kellen, he glanced down at her shining red hair with a combination of bewilderment, love, and blighted hope.
A daughter, he thought, and no other sons. What did it matter? Ian may prove capable after all, and I’ll be able to hand the newspapers over to him someday.
Kellen stepped on his toe. “Oh, Daddy! I’m sorry!” she said. “I do that in class all the time because most of the time I lead.”
“But why?”
“Because Miss Brody doesn’t have enough boys to go around and I’m so tall that she makes me fill in.” She smiled. “At least I won’t sit around at parties. I can always dance with girls.”
Adam smiled. “You’ll be too busy with the boys for that, I suspect.”
“Boys,” Kellen said. “Who needs them?”
Adam tried not to smile.
“I bet you wish I was a boy,” Kellen said.
He hid his surprise by not meeting her eyes. “That’s not true.”
“If I was a boy I could come to this place with you any time I wanted, like Ian does.”
It was not a petulant plea for attention. She was serious, and it made Adam feel ashamed of his earlier thoughts. He tilted her chin up. “Kellen, listen to me. You’re my daughter, and you’re very special to me.”
“Do you think I’m pretty?” she asked.
“Very.”
“As pretty as Mommy?”
“Yes,” he said softly.
It was about ten when they arrived home. Adam made sure Kellen was in bed and then went to his own room. The bedside light was on and Elizabeth was propped up on pillows, her eyes closed. He began to undress and the sound of the closet door awakened her.
“Go back to sleep,” he whispered.
“I was waiting for you,” she said. “How did it go?”
Adam pulled off his tie with a wry smile. “I’m afraid I’m not very good with her, Elizabeth. You know, as bad as it was with Ian when he was young at least around him I didn’t feel...”
“Uncomfortable?” Elizabeth smiled. “She’s just a little girl, Adam. She won’t bite you.”
He slipped into bed, and Elizabeth fit herself into the crook of his shoulder. “I’m not so sure,” he said. “She’s got some strange ideas. She said she wants to be a boy.”
“Yes, I know.”
They lay quietly for a moment. “You can’t imagine what this night meant to her, Adam,” Elizabeth said. “She loves you so much.”
Adam reached over and turned out the light.
“Adam, I’d like you to do something for me if you can,” Elizabeth said.
“Anything.”
“She looks up to you so. There are things you could teach her.”
“What can I possibly do that you don’t do already better, Elizabeth? You’re teaching her how to be a lady. What’s more important than that?” He paused. “You should have seen her tonight. The way she looked and handled herself around people. A real little lady. I didn’t realize how grown up she is. Made me quite proud.”
“But there are things that I can’t give her that you can, Adam.�
�� She propped herself on one elbow to look at him. “Make her feel like she’s important in your life. And that she’s worthwhile. Daughters need that sort of thing from fathers.”
He was not sure what she was asking of him. That he spend more time with Kellen probably and not make the same mistakes he had with Ian. He decided suddenly that next month the three of them would go down to the house in Carmel for a long weekend together.
“You’re right, Elizabeth,” he said. “I’ll try to make more time.”
He pulled her close and, feeling a stir of arousal, lightly cupped one of Elizabeth’s breasts. Her body gave the slightest tensing motion, and Adam knew what it was. Whenever they began to make love lately, there was always that moment of dreaded anticipation. As good as their lovemaking was, now it was always colored with the question of conception.
They made love slowly and silently. It was still exciting, but an energy was missing, just as it was from Elizabeth herself. When it was over, he sensed a need in her left unfulfilled. There would be no more babies, he knew. He had to help Elizabeth face that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
In the summer of 1951, Adam closed the deal on the purchase of the Las Vegas Record. Now there were five newspapers in the Bryant chain, spread over three states. Across the country, it was becoming known that Adam was a force to be reckoned with. When William Randolph Hearst died and control of his empire was dispersed among his five sons, it was Adam Bryant who most said was heir apparent to the title of single most powerful newspaper owner in the country.
At Thanksgiving, Adam sat at the dining room table in the house on Divisadero, his head bowed to lead grace. He recited the prayer of thanks, and when he looked up, he felt a surge of gratitude. He was, indeed, a very lucky man.
On his left was his son, Ian, soon to be graduated from Princeton. On his right was his daughter, Kellen, already showing promise of becoming a beautiful young woman.
And at the other end of the table, his wife Elizabeth, ravishing in green velvet, wearing a necklace made from the three jewels he had given her on their fourth anniversary.
“Before we start, I have some news,” Adam said. He smiled at Elizabeth. “President Truman has offered me an ambassadorship to France.”
There was stunned silence.
“Adam, that’s...” Elizabeth’s voice trailed off.
“Unbelievable?” Adam finished.
Ian was looking at him as if he were crazy.
“What’s a bassership?” Kellen said.
“Ambassadorship,” Elizabeth corrected softly. “It’s a job where a man represents his country in a foreign country.” She glanced at Adam. “It’s a very important job, an honor.”
“Does this mean we have to move?” Kellen asked.
“No, Lil’bit, it doesn’t.” He looked back at Elizabeth. “I turned it down.”
Elizabeth’s face was blank, but then a small smile tipped her lips.
Ian let out a breath and picked up his wine. “Well, thank God for your good sense, Father,” he said. “The idea of living with all those unwashed frogs.”
“Ian, France is a wonderful country,” Adam said. “You’d do well to visit there.”
“Why?” Ian said. “As long as they keep sending over their wine, I see no reason to go there.”
Adam let the remark pass. Ian, it was apparent, was becoming a snob. He further annoyed Adam by leaving early, saying he had a date. But the rest of the dinner continued without incident. Afterward, Adam and Elizabeth sat in the living room before the fire with their coffee.
“You’re glad I turned it down, aren’t you,” Adam said.
“Yes.”
“But why? I’d have thought you’d jump at the chance to live in Paris.”
“You could never leave your newspapers, Adam. I could never allow you to.” Elizabeth looked around the room. “Besides, this is my home. I could never leave it.” She smiled, her eyes lit by the fire. “I’m so proud of you, Adam. You’ve done all you set out to do.”
“You made it possible.”
“Money is just money, Adam. It takes more than that to make dreams real.”
“I don’t mean the money,” he said. “I mean by your belief in me. I’d be nowhere without that.”
Elizabeth embraced him then pulled away. “I’ve got to go say good night to Kellen. I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
Kellen was sitting up in bed, waiting when Elizabeth came in. “Why didn’t Daddy take that new job?” she asked.
Elizabeth began to tuck her in. “Because he likes his own job more. Running newspapers is just as important as being an ambassador.”
“Maybe I’ll be an ambassador when I grow up.”
“I thought you wanted to be a veterinarian.”
Kellen looked at Elizabeth hopefully. “I could do both.”
Elizabeth sat on the edge of the bed. “That would be rather hard. It might be better if you chose one.”
“You’re right.” Kellen nodded solemnly. “Maybe I should just be a newspaper magnet.”
Elizabeth laughed. “Where did you hear that word?”
“I heard someone call Daddy that once. What does Daddy do, exactly?”
“Well, he watches over all his newspapers in the chain.”
Kellen smiled broadly. “That’s what I thought! A magnet that holds the chain together!”
“It’s magnate, by the way. But you’ve got the idea.”
Kellen slid down in the bed. “Mommy, can a girl be a magnate...or just boys?”
“Well, I’ve never heard of a girl doing it, but that’s no reason why you couldn’t. Girls can work just like boys.”
“How come you don’t?”
Elizabeth brushed the hair back from Kellen’s forehead. “I stay here with you. I like that better.” She paused. “But when I was your age, I dreamed about doing things, too. I wanted to go to Paris and be a dress designer.”
“Like how you draw clothes for my paper dolls?”
“Something like that.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“When I was your age, girls didn’t do things like that.” She rose, switching off the lamp. “Come on, it’s past your bedtime.”
“Mommy?”
Elizabeth paused just inside the door. “Yes?”
“Do you think I could really be a magnate?”
“I don’t think there’s anything you couldn’t be, sweetheart,” she said softly. “Sleep tight...”
“Don’t let the bedbugs bite,” Kellen said.
Adam decided he wanted to throw a New Year’s Eve party. It was a payback, he told Elizabeth, to all his political and club cronies and important advertisers, and a chance to return social obligations he had been too busy for in the past year.
“It’s been a hell of a good year for us, Elizabeth,” he said. “Let’s really celebrate with a bash.”
He didn’t tell her he also hoped planning a party would buoy up her spirits, as it always had in the past.
As usual, Elizabeth did a stunning job. The house was ablaze with holiday decorations, the dining room given over to a giant buffet. The beautiful old Kashan rug in the foyer was rolled up and everyone danced under the chandelier to tunes played by a small jazz quartet. Everyone important in town came, and a few famous faces dotted the crowd. Adam was so festive that many of his friends commented on it. But none so succinctly as Josh.
“I’ve known you for almost fifteen years,” Josh said. “And I never thought I’d be able to say this. You’ve changed, Adam. You’re a different man.”
“I’m a happy man, Josh,” Adam said.
Hours later, after the last guests had gone, Adam lay on the bed, watching Elizabeth as she combed out her hair. He was heady with champagne and the success of the evening. He went to Elizabeth, filling his hands with her heavy soft hair, arching her neck back so he could kiss her.
“I love you so much,” he whispered.
When he pulled away to look at her face, he paused.
Her just-cleaned face had a waxy pallor, and there were deep circles under her eyes. She had disguised it earlier with makeup.
Adam stepped back to look at her better. “Elizabeth, are you all right?” he asked.
“I’m just tired, Adam,” she said. “So very tired.”
The party had taken too much out of her, he thought, berating himself for putting her through it. “Let’s go to bed,” he said.
She allowed him to tuck her in like a child, and by the time he slipped in beside her she was asleep. He turned out the light and lay there in the dark. It was quiet except for an occasional car horn or the laugh of a late reveler in the street. When the gray light began to creep around the edges of the drapes, he was still awake, listening to her breathing and feeling a small pit of fear growing in his stomach.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
After the New Year’s party, Adam began to pay closer attention to Elizabeth’s behavior. For a week, she stayed in bed, too tired to get up. The doctor said Elizabeth had a virus and prescribed antibiotics and massive doses of vitamins. But after a month, Elizabeth was no better. When the doctor suggested Elizabeth go to the hospital for tests, Adam agreed with great reluctance. After what she had gone through with the miscarriage and Kellen’s difficult birth, the mere idea of putting Elizabeth in a hospital made his blood run cold.
The tests revealed nothing other than the previously diagnosed anemia. Elizabeth was sent home with antidepressants and a strict diet.
The drugs seemed to help Elizabeth’s mood somewhat, but by spring, Adam noticed an alarming change in her behavior. She seemed at times disoriented and she was beginning to forget things easily —- where she had left her keys, that someone was coming to dinner, where Kellen had gone for the day. The doctor prescribed a stronger antidepressant. When she showed no improvement, Adam angrily dismissed the doctor and found another.
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