What happened between us is a game changer. We were already complicated in the first place. Why did we have to give in to our dark desires and think we can get out of it unscathed?
Tough! Even if he doesn’t see me for a week, I doubt something will happen to make him recall his memories. I’ve tried so hard to reach out to him. And all I got were insult after insult, heartbreak after heartbreak.
And now, he gets to spend one night with me. I wonder what insane profanities he’s got cooked up for me this time. Before, I was just a mercenary. But because I showed him how I could go wild and mindless in his arms, I’m sure the term ‘mercenary slut’ now applies! And I’m not ready to hear that from him just yet. Because I don’t know if I can stop myself from killing him if he does say that to my face.
I am confused. And more than that, I am scared. So I guess, it doesn’t hurt to lay low for a while, and just… take a deep breath.
“You heard me.” I said. “I’m not around. You don’t know where I am.”
“Okay.” And she hung up.
My friends raised brows at me.
“What’s that about?” Dannie asked.
I shrugged. “Ryder is at the office looking for me.”
“Now he’s looking for you and you’re the one running away from him?” Nicole asked. “You guys are so confusing!”
“Why is he looking for you? Did he have his memories back?”
“Doubt it.” I said. “Only yesterday I wrote him a check for his investment. He doesn’t even remember why he invested in my talents. Unless he hit his head this morning, I doubt that he’s looking for me because he remembers me.”
Nicole and Dannie seem to agree. But John was looking at me suspiciously and I don’t know why. When I raised a brow at him, he just shrugged and looked away.
“So why did you tell your assistant that you aren’t around?” Dannie asked.
I sighed. “Because I’m only human, guys! My heart can only take a couple of heartbreaks at a time. I need a break too.”
“Are you giving up?” Nicole asked.
I shook my head. “No. But that doesn’t mean I cannot take a breather from all these… pain once in a while.”
“Sure, sweetheart.” Nicole said, reaching out for my hand. “And I hope you use that breather to think that you deserved to be loved, Astrid. You deserve a man who knows what a good thing he has when has you.”
I laughed humorlessly. “You sound like the old Ryder. Thanks for the reminder.”
“She’s right, sweetheart.” Dannie said. “For how long are you going to keep on doing this? How long are you going to hang around and get your heart broken over and over?”
“I’m a rock!” I recited, more to myself.
John shook his head. “No.” He looked at me, and I can see that his heart goes out to me, like he’s so sad that I have to go through all this pain. “You’re a precious stone, Ash. And you need somebody who could appreciate you and not look down at you.”
That was a lot coming from John, who only seem to see women as bedroom playmates. And it warms me to think that in spite of what I have been going through with Ryder, I have friends who really love and care for me.
“I had that somebody.” I said to him, tears brimming my eyes again. “He looked a lot like Ryder Van Woodsen. But he’s a different man now. And I don’t know how to get him back.”
Nicole put her arms around my shoulder and let me cry. I needed this. I needed to let it out because it gets too heavy sometimes. It felt like this time, I am the walking time bomb and I don’t know just when I will lose it and explode.
Dannie finally had the sense to change the subject. He told us about his boyfriend and how serious they were getting. Actually I know the guy. He’s the one who broke the news to me that the engagement ring Bryan gave me was a fake and that the supposedly fake ring that Ryder gave me was the real thing.
John told us about his new apartment. He’s doing pretty well in his father’s company. Now, he can afford a two bed apartment with a garage on a prime area in the city.
Ryder kept calling me. I just chose to ignore his calls. I want him to know I am not a booty call, if that’s his intention. Give yourself some dignity, woman!
He needs to decide what to do with me. I’m either with him or without him. Nothing in between. We’ve been down the ‘friends with benefits’ road before, and I’m not going back there again.
And more than that, I need to breathe too. Even for just a couple of days. A couple of days without hearing Ryder insult me, accuse me of things that I am not. A few days of not seeing him look at me and not place me in his past.
Last night, after we made love, he actually held me in his arms until we both fell asleep. For a while, he felt like the old Ryder… my Ryder who is content and happy to have me locked in his embrace. And I wanted that to be my last memory of him… at least for now.
***
I stayed with Nicole for the next couple of days. I cannot be alone, even for just a few moments. Ryder’s been showing up at my office everyday.
I decided to conduct all my business outside. I can easily meet my clients at their place or at any restaurant in the city. Plus, I was office and apartment hunting. I have all the excuses in the world to not be in the office.
However, after three days of crashing at Nicole’s I had to move out. “I’m sorry, sweetie, but my mother is coming to the city and well… she’s gonna be staying with me.” Nicole said. “You can stay with us if you want, but I honestly don’t recommend it. My mother is unrelenting, you know that.”
I know. Her mother wants to know everything about the person she speaks to and I know she’ll pry on my love life. And the reason why I’m staying away from my house in the first place is because I’m avoiding the love of my life.
“Oh, that’s fine.” I said. I looked at Dannie. “Can I crash?”
Dannie smiled at me apologetically. “Sorry sweetie. You know I haven’t been single since last month.” Yes, right. And I don’t want to get in the way of Dannie and his love life.
Rats! I didn’t want to go to my place yet. I just… want to surround myself with my friends right now. Otherwise, the first ring from Ryder, I know I will pick up. And if he asks me to come to his house for some fun, I just might blindly accept it… I think. That’s how vulnerable I am to him. And damn, he knows it! And even if he didn’t, then I have just proven it to him a couple of nights ago.
I’m a rock. I’m standing my ground. Maybe if I give Ryder a little bit of distance, he’ll have time to think about why I returned his investment… why I didn’t take the severance pay that Adam is so willing to fight for. I’m not the mercenary slut he thought I was.
Adam! I remembered him. He’s got a nice place and he will take me in in a heartbeat. But Adam will smell that something was up. The guy has a talent for pulling information out of me. He will know that I slept with Ryder again and he will not like that. He’ll give me a good beating for being stupid. Plus, Ryder knows he’s my cousin, so if he is looking for me, he might look Adam up. And Adam is already losing his patience with him. I don’t want it to turn into a fist fight, particularly since Adam seems to be a fan of martial arts lately. He doesn’t talk about it but the mild bruises on his face, and the wounds on his knuckles tell all the story I needed to know.
“I just moved in to a two bed apartment.” John reminded me. Right. I forgot. John owns a place big enough to crash in now.
“And the point is?” I asked, smiling. I already know what he will offer. John may be quiet most of the time, but he’s such a sweet guy. But somehow, only me, Dannie and Nicole know that. He’s a playboy. But as long as he doesn’t plan on bringing home a girl while I am there, I am all for it.
“Well, I need somebody to clean up the house once in a while for the price of free nights stay in the guest bedroom.” He joked. “You might sleep in the middle of a mountain of boxes though.”
“Very funny.” I said. “I’ll take it! It’s only a couple of nig
hts anyway. Then I shall be able to find a new place to move in to.”
I sincerely hope I find a new office soon, and a new apartment. It’s actually tough, since I just paid Ryder out and I owed Adam some money. But I know that I can still do it. I still have some amount left to support my relocation.
I gathered my stuff from Nicole’s place. I decided to go home quickly and get some new clothes before I go to John’s. John agreed to pick me up after his meeting.
As soon as I was heading out with my bag, I froze on my feet when I found Ryder standing in the driveway.
He was watching me, a hard expression on his face.
Stick to the program. Stick to the program. I recited in my head.
He approached me. Damn! Why does he have to be smoking hot!? My heart kept pounding inside my chest. I have to consciously remind myself that my brain needs oxygen, ergo, I have to breathe!
He raised a brow at me. “You can’t avoid me forever, sweetheart.” He said, giving me a crooked smile, which did not touch his eyes.
“Funny you seem to have succeeded a lot in doing that to me.” I said sarcastically.
“I know.” He said and I thought I heard a trace of guilt in his voice. “But I guess we started out on the wrong foot.”
“No. You started out on the wrong foot. I was exactly where I was the last time you said you love me.” I said, pain was evident on my voice.
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me.
Then I realized that it was not entirely his fault. I’m sure he didn’t want to forget a year of his life. Nobody would want that.
But I wish he could have been a little bit nicer and little less judgmental towards me. I wish he just gave us a chance. I wish he didn’t try his best to drive me away… cut me off from his life.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s not your fault.” I started saying to him. “I…”
I was not able to finish that sentence. I blinked and the next thing I knew is that Ryder’s soft lips were ravishing mine. His arms were around me, holding me tightly against his chest.
I savored that kiss for a while. I know I craved it. It makes me weak and shuts down all my senses.
But I also wanted to know… why? First, he doesn’t want anything to do with me, asks me to stay away from him and his family… then one day he wakes up and he realizes he likes kissing me and taking me to bed?
If I keep on giving in to this… I know I will end up being hurt by him over and over. I cannot accept these kisses. He’s not the same man he used to be. He isn’t kissing me because he loved me. He’s doing this because he wants me… in spite of the ugly thoughts he has about me.
And whatever Ryder Van Woodsen wants, Ryder Van Woodsen gets.
So I gathered all the courage that I have and pushed him… hard.
That startled him. Maybe he really did think that after that night, I would be a very easy prey. That he can play with me however he wants.
Tears brimmed my eyes. He has no right to play with my feelings. He knows I was so in love with him, and I wanted nothing more in the world than for him to snap out of his brain injury. But he doesn’t feel the same. He is taking advantage of my weakness… which he knows perfectly well is… him.
“Stay away from me, Ryder.” I breathed.
He took a step forward. “Astrid, love…” He started.
“Don’t call me that!” I snapped at him. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now. “Only… only my boyfriend calls me that. And he’s not here anymore.” I took a deep breath.
“So please, Ryder. Don’t play with my feelings again. You have already judged me. The first thing you did when you woke up is crush me. I’m sorry I slept with you. I shouldn’t have. Because I know you’re not the same man. I guess I just… missed you so much, I gave in. But I can’t do that anymore, knowing that you think so low of me.”
“Astrid…” He started, but nothing followed. He just stood there, dumbfounded. It genuinely looks like he doesn’t know what to say. His face is full of guilt and anguish. And I know that for the first time, I was getting through to him. He was listening to me and seeing how badly I was hurting… how badly he was hurting me.
“I am not giving up hope that someday, you will wake up from all this.” I said. “Because if you don’t… then I will. I will wake up and stop dreaming that you will come home to me.”
I saw John get out of his car. It was my cue to go. I walked past Ryder but he grabbed my hand.
“Astrid…” I stopped walking but didn’t turn to him. “I’m sorry.” His voice was broken.
I pulled my hand away. “I know. I’m sorry too.” And I ran towards John. He took my bag from me and I hopped into his passenger seat.
It seems that Ryder was about to follow me but John stopped him.
“Leave her alone, man. The girl could only take so much shit from you.”
“Who the fuck are you?” Ryder asked John angrily.
“I’m someone who will beat the shit out of you if you don’t keep your distance from her!”
“Oh, I’d like to see you try!” Ryder snarled at him.
“If that will wake you up, I would have done that a long time ago. But seeing as you’re stubborn, I don’t think one good beating is enough to bring you back. So stay away, man! Let Astrid heal. She needs that.” And John went inside the car and drove away.
Once Ryder was no longer in view, I let all the tears pour. John didn’t say anything. He let me cry. And I needed that. I needed to feel free to cry my heart out, and yet assured that I wasn’t alone.
The next thing I knew, John was parking his car in his garage. He turned to me and smiled. “You’re going to be okay, Ash.”
I smiled at him and wiped my tears away. I took a deep breath and said to him, “Come on! Show me your crib, Daddy’s boy!”
John laughed. Then he rounded the car and opened the door for me.
“Didn’t figure you much to be a gentleman.” I joked.
He grinned. “My deepest, darkest secret. This playboy thing… is only my disguise.”
I laughed. It felt better, even just a little bit. In my current state, I needed all the laughs I could get.
I went out and looked around. Suddenly, I felt that something was wrong. The place seemed oddly familiar.
He led me inside his house. It’s as big as Adam’s house, also with a deck and a view of the beach.
I cannot shake off the feeling that something was wrong with his place. Like I have been in this neighborhood before. John hasn’t fully settled in. After all, he only moved in a couple of days ago.
“So when you said you needed somebody to clean up your house in exchange for rent, you weren’t kidding.” I joked.
John smiled mischievously. “I was dead serious.”
“Come on, John. You’re rich now! Can’t you afford a maid?”
“Ah, but I needed somebody creative to decorate this place. And I am hiring the best.” He said.
“I decorate wedding venues, John, not bachelors’ pads.”
“But that’s the best part.” He said. “Since you’re so attuned to what brides want, you can turn this place into a chick magnet.”
I groaned. “I knew there was a catch to all these!”
I followed him upstairs where he showed me the guest bedroom.
“Are you going to be bringing women home in the next couple of days?” I asked him.
“You kidding me? I might bring one home tonight!”
“John!” I groaned. “I knew this was a bad idea! I don’t want to be talking to your women about you. If I open my mouth, they wouldn’t want to see you anymore!”
“Ha! I knew you were the right person to ask to be my roommate!” He said triumphantly and I hit him playfully on the shoulder.
Then I heard a sound of an engine roaring outside, followed by the sound of crashing metal, like somebody just hit a gate or something.
I looked out the window and saw a familiar car parked across the street. Its owner ga
ve his metal gate one hard punch before going inside his house. It was the biggest house in the block. And it was all too familiar to me.
My jaw dropped. I turned to John, a shocked expression plastered on my face.
“Shit!” I cursed. I knew the neighborhood looked so familiar! I wasn’t looking while John drove to his house. I was busy crying. “Do you know who lived across the street?”
John shrugged. “Well, even if I didn’t have any idea before, the sight of you scrambling out of that house at four in the morning was a dead giveaway.”
I was open-mouthed and I knew I was blushing from the roots of my hair. Nobody knew what happened between Ryder and me. I was careful not to tell them. But John knew right from the start. He saw me.
Knight in Shining Suit: Get Up. Get Even. Get a better man. Page 42