by T. K. Chapin
“Thanks!” I laughed, looking over at her. “I need some water.” One thing I learned early on in my drinking days with Nicole was I needed an insane amount of water in order to prevent a hangover from coming the next day.
“There’s a gallon of water right over there,” Joshua said from nearby as he pointed over to the tree nearby.
“What are you even doing here?” I asked confused. Joshua wasn’t only in the majority of my classes growing up, he was a devout Christian. He led the monthly prayer circle outside of the school before classes started and also ran the Bible club. “This isn’t usually your scene.”
“I give people rides home so they don’t get in wrecks… We see each other all the time at these. Are you feeling okay, Claire?”
“Oh yeah,” I replied with a laugh. “Thanks for letting me know about the water.” Stumbling over to the tree, I grabbed onto it as I leaned down trying to get the gallon of water. It was too far from my clumsy reach. Bending over backwards while I held onto the tree, I reached for the gallon of water in an awkward way.
“What are you doing?” Nicole asked, coming over to me before she began laughing.
I fell backwards and onto my butt. Laughing, I pulled myself up to the tree and leaned against it. My head was spinning while everything continued to move in snapshots. Nicole walked away as I took a swig of the water. I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my jacket and breathed a sigh of relief as my vision began to straighten itself out.
“Hello? Hello? Claire, are you there?” A faint voice said from beside me. Glancing around, I spotted my cell phone on top of a patch of ice. That must have fallen out of my pocket. Grabbing it, I brought it to my ear.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Claire? This is your aunt Jennie.”
Dang it… I was in a good spot and my aunt was about to kill it. I scrambled to get off the phone. “I’m super busy, can I call you later? I’ll be home later, I already texted you that.”
“I need you to come home Claire, I’m serious.”
“I need you to relax Jennie…” Glancing over to Matt, I saw him telling a group of people something and making them all laugh. He’s so cool, I thought to myself as I smiled.
“Claire!” My aunt shouted, breaking my concentration off of Matthew.
“What? I’m a big girl, I can handle it… I’m eighteen.”
“No, I don’t think you understand… I need to tell you something.” Her voice sounded shaky.
“Tell me right now, you’re talking to me.”
Her aunt was silent and then she sighed heavily before erupting into tears. “It’s about your parents Claire.”
“What about them?” I asked as I glanced back at Nicole to see her dancing with Vanessa. I began laughing and shouted over to them, “Shake that butt!”
“Your parents are gone.”
Oh my gosh? Seriously? This Jennie is a dumb broad. “I know that, that’s why you were at my house… Jeez. Nothing to get upset about Jennie.”
“No… They were in an accident, they died... I am so sorry…” barely choking out the words she fell silent.
Suddenly the drugs and alcohol seemed to not have an effect on my body and all that was left was a gnawing numbness that tore its way through my mind, body and heart. My mind flashed back to earlier that morning and when I had just seen them in the kitchen. It can’t be true… I feel nothing, and if my parents were dead, I would know it.
“I’m not buying it.”
Her aunt broke out crying, and then shouted through the phone, “Get home now Claire!” I knew in that moment it was true, Jennie was not one to ever raise her voice for any reason.
“Claire?” my aunt said as I dropped the phone away from my ear. I didn’t want to talk anymore; I wanted to fix this numbness that had invaded my existence. In that moment I wanted to cry about my mom and dad, but there were no tears, no heartache, and no emotion. What is wrong with me? Glancing over at the bottles near the cooler at Nicole’s feet, I crawled across the snow and ice scrambling over to them and to a fifth of vodka. There wasn’t much in it, so I downed the remainder. I felt the numbness move slightly inside of me, but it wasn’t going away. Leaping to my feet, I slipped a little on a patch of ice, but luckily, my love was there to catch me.
Lying in his arms as he stood me upright, I grabbed onto both sides of his head and looked him in the eyes. Make this all go away, I thought to myself as I kissed him.
“Hey babe… you alright?” He asked, pulling back from the kiss.
I felt nothing by his kiss. Those butterflies must have gone into hiding with the rest of the emotions, and I wasn’t able to feel an ounce of joy come from his sweet lips. I felt lost and I just wanted to feel something, anything. Looking at the palm of his hands as I rubbed them with my thumbs, I glanced up into his eyes. “My parents…” My words shook as I tried to continue, even though everything inside of me felt nothing. “They’re...”
“What?” He asked. “What about them?”
“They’re dead.”
The four letter word that made my world crumble into a million pieces and evaporated every sense of stability I had come to know in my life. This is the story of how I went through hell and almost didn’t make it through to the other side.
CHAPTER 1
That Friday night changed my life forever; with my parents gone, I moved in with Matt, the love of my life. Sure my aunt and uncle offered me a place to stay, but I wasn’t very interested in that idea. They took life too serious for me. And I preferred living with Matt anyways; he was amazing and could comfort me through the pain of losing my parents.
The day of the funeral, Wednesday, came too quickly. There was a multitude of reasons why I didn’t want to be there, but seeing my aunt and uncle was near the top of the list. They’d probably bug at me again about staying there since Todd went to live with them.
That morning I woke up and ventured out from Matt’s bedroom out to the kitchen. I put on a pot of coffee and sat up on the counter. I loved to sit up on the counter and glance out the window that was above the sink. It had the perfect view of Shadle Park. Each morning there was an older gentleman that would walk the park every day and at the end of his walk, he’d take a seat on a bench. I didn’t know what his deal was, but he fascinated me with his elegant suits and silly top hat.
Spotting the man as he approached the bench that particular day, I smiled as I kept my eyes locked on him. Bet he doesn’t have a headache like I do I thought to myself reaching over to the cupboard to pull out a cup for coffee. My head was killing me after another night of careless drinking without enough water; since my parent’s passed I haven’t been able to remember to drink enough water.
“Could you try to be a little nicer when you are walking all over my clothing?” Matthew demanded from his bedroom.
Leaping from the counter, I went back into the room and saw I had knocked a pile of clothing over by accident. I set my coffee down on the dresser and crawled on the mattress and up to his face. “I’m sorry love,” I said smiling as I kissed him on the cheek.
“It’s okay… I wasn’t mad… I just try to keep things nice.”
“I understand,” I said kissing his neck. “It won’t happen again.”
I was so hopeful for our future together and thankful that he let me move in. He didn’t even hesitate when I asked him about coming to live there. That was just the type of guy Matt was, always willing to help me with whatever I needed. He was a dream.
Reaching over to the nightstand that sat next to the mattress, I grabbed my locket and put it on. It was a gold necklace with a little heart locket as a pendant. A large diamond sat in the middle of the heart. My father had given it to me when I was only four years old. Inside, a picture of myself and him; and on the back it was engraved with a message in cursive, “Daddy’s Little Girl.”
Rubbing the pendant, I felt the numbness I still had in me shift a little. That strange feeling of shock wasn’t budging, but I could feel a strange sensation like
I could cry at any moment. Sighing, I looked over at Matt, “Why can’t I cry?”
Shrugging, he sat up and looked me in the eyes. “Maybe you’re still in shock, ya know? From the whole thing.”
“Yeah, but it’s been a while…”
“It’s only been five days. I don’t know though… I haven’t really lost anyone.”
“Yeah… maybe today at the funeral I’ll cry,” I replied, relaxing back onto the bed.
Coming in close to me, he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear and smiled warmly as he looked deeply into my eyes. “I know it’s been hard on you lately babe… and I just want you to know I love you.” He continued, “Forever and always.”
“Forever and always,” I replied, leaning up as I kissed him.
The crisp winter air nipped at my legs as I walked up the sidewalk in my black dress. We arrived at the funeral a few minutes early. The sky was dark and dismal; it felt right that the sun wouldn’t shine on a day like this. Walking into the funeral home, I broke away from Matt as I came into the viewing room. He had declined to go in and look at my parents, the thought freaked him out and having never got along very well with them, he just felt wouldn’t be right. Matt didn’t provide them with the best of first impressions when they first met him. He showed up for our first date on a Harley and in a leather jacket. He had borrowed the Harley from his stepfather in the attempts to impress me. I didn’t think it was that great, and I know my parents were less than thrilled. They were pretty relaxed and easy going with almost everything in my life, but when it came to motorcycles they were not fans. It had to do with the fact that my dad’s brother passed away at an early age from riding one. He was blindsided on interstate eighty-four on the stretch of highway between the Tri-Cities and Portland.
As I made my way up to my mother’s casket, my heart began to race in anticipation of seeing her for the last time. If there was a point I’d lose my cool and my tears would break free, this would be the time it would happen.
Peering over the beautifully crafted coffin that was donated by the church to help cover funeral costs, I saw my mother. She was beautiful. Wearing the dress I picked out from her closet, I swear she was smiling. That dress was her favorite and she had worn it to a banquet with my father a year earlier. The event was an extravagant affair and all in honor of my father. He had received a promotion at work and they threw him a party to celebrate. The day he had come home and told her about the occasion, he said to go buy any dress she wanted and that one she was wearing now was the one she had picked out.
Lying in the coffin she looked so peaceful and relaxed. I couldn’t help but feel happy for her. My mother had struggled with horrendous back pain for over the last five years since the first back operation. I didn’t see any signs of that pain on her face now, just peace. “I love you…” I said in a whisper.
Walking over to my father, I saw him in his favorite pair of blue jeans and a nice white button up dress shirt. Even when he’d be off work for the day, he’d still wear some sort of nice button up shirt. He would always tell Todd and me, “you never know who you’re going to meet, so it’s important to dress sharp always.” It had actually come into play for dad one time that I could recall when we were visiting Seattle as a family. We had stopped in at a local coffee shop and he met a guy that was screaming at his soon to be an ex - supplier on his cell phone. My father walked up to him and started chatting the guy up. The next thing you know, he ended up selling the man on Spokane Plastics and got him to sign papers that same day on a rather large order for the company. That was dad, always keeping an eye out for opportunity.
My dad looked relaxed also and happy, kind of like my mom did. I felt my eyes well up with tears thinking how I will never get the chance to have my father walk me down the aisle or dance with me at Matt and I’s wedding. Reminiscing for a moment, I recalled how he used to hold me in his arms as he danced across the living room floor to the music he’d play on the radio. The thought of him not being there on my wedding day made me sad, but it wasn’t enough to bring me tears. Rubbing the locket that hung from my neck, I kissed it in the palm of my hand and let it drop back to where it hung only a few inches from my heart.
“I love you Daddy…” I said.
Stepping away, I glanced back through the doorway and saw Matt sitting patiently in a chair across the hall and thought to myself, there’s a man who loves me, if I can make it through this, it’ll be with him by my side. Aunt Jennie suddenly came around the corner and into the viewing room and immediately embraced me with a hug.
She whispered, “I’m so sorry this happened. Todd’s doing well with us over at the farm. A little sad of course… but he’s okay, dear.” Glancing over her shoulder at Matt, a look of concern came over her face. “If you ever need a place to stay, our door is always open, you know that.”
Recalling when Dale came over to my parent’s house the day after the accident, I remember being there to pick up my belongings. He pulled me aside to talk outside on the front porch. He sat me down on those stone steps.
“Life’s not easy Claire, if you don’t stay in school you’ll struggle your entire life. Dropping out is just not a very good option for you.”
“Yeah, well, it’s my life and I’m eighteen…”
Dale’s jaw clenched. “God’s got a plan for your life.”
“God’s not real dude,” I replied as I stood up and began to walk inside.
“Claire.”
“Yeah?” I said, turning around.
“Never mind, you’re just going to do whatever you want do anyways. Our door is always open, though.”
“Finally… you say something that’s true.” Slamming the door behind me as I went back into the house to get my things, I heard the truck fire up outside. Hearing the front door open and close, I wondered if Todd had left without saying goodbye.
Pushing open my door to my bedroom as I grabbed the rest of my clothing Todd came in and hugged me. “I hope you come around to Dale and Jennie’s place… I love you.”
Stopping with my packing I turned around and gave him a hug. “I love you too bro. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
Todd went downstairs and left out the front door. It was the last time we were going to be in our home together, and it stung. Going over to the window, I watched as Dale backed out of the driveway and headed down the road. Todd was heading out to Chattaroy to live with Dale and Jennie.
Politely responding to my aunt Jennie, I said, “I know I can come there any time.” Spotting Matt’s smile just over her shoulder, I released from her hug. “Please excuse me,” I said softly as I stepped out of the viewing room to go over to Matt.
Turning back around as I sat down in the chair next to Matt, I watched as the sea of black dresses and suits funneled in and out of the viewing room to say their final goodbyes to each of my parents.
CHAPTER 2
My uncle Dale stood in for Pastor Johnny and led the funeral services that afternoon out at Chattaroy Baptist. The pastor had been out of town on a mission trip overseas when the deaths of my parents occurred. He sent apology letters that were personalized to my brother and me, but I felt like it was forced since we barely knew the guy. The letters blabbed on about how my parents were in a better place and how moving forward, we will both need God more than ever.
After the funeral, I wanted to forget about the day, and that meant another trip down old Thompson Road out in Chattaroy and out to a bonfire at Copper’s Cove. My friends all declared the entire week following my parent’s deaths as a “Time to Grieve,” but I honestly think they just used my own personal tragedy for an excuse to get wasted every night for a week long. I was fine with it, the drugs and alcohol helped dislodge the numbness that lingered.
Arriving at the bonfire that evening, I found everyone was still in their funeral outfits. I on the other hand, made sure to bring an extra pair of clothing. Matt saw his buddy Max talking to a few other guys over on the other side of the bonfire and made hi
s way that direction, leaving me alone. The air was chilly, but the fire did its job at keeping me warm. Joshua came up to my side and joined my gaze into the crackling fire.
“How are you?” He asked.
His words stung. I had heard phrases all day like: “Sorry for your loss,” “If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know,” and “I lost my parents and it was hard.” But there wasn’t anyone who actually asked how I was doing.
“I’m okay…” I replied. I took a swig of the bottle of rum and then offered him a drink.
“No thanks…” He seemed to be about to turn and leave when he stopped and looked back at me. “How is Todd doing?”
“Honestly… I don’t know. He sat by me at the funeral, but he just pouted and didn’t say a whole lot. I don’t live with him.”
“He’s with Dale and Jennie, right up the road, right?”
“That’s the ones… I’m sure you know them, they go to Chattaroy Baptist.”
“Yep. I’ve even seen Todd a few times since he’s been there. I hang out with Nick a bunch. Oh, by the way Nick and I are-”
Nicole came barging in between the two of us. “Claire, come look at Matt, he’s going to swim out to Monty’s Island!” Grabbing my arm, she hauled me away from Joshua. Glancing back at Joshua at the bonfire, I saw him smile up at me as Nicole drug me down to the shore.
Coming to the sandy shore of the river, I watched through the moonlight as my beloved swam through the chilly waters out to Monty’s Island. The name came from an old story that had been passed around Chattaroy since before anyone could remember. Legend has it, that there was a man named Monty who took his true love out for a picnic on the island, but when the row boat tipped over on the way there, she was lost beneath the rivers current. Legend also says that Monty never came back from the island and his spirit still walks it, waiting for his love to return to him. The old and broken down row boat can be seen in the daylight as it sits in ruins right on the shore of the island.