by T. K. Chapin
One woman raised her hand. “Forgiveness is not between us and someone else, it’s between us and God.”
“What’s that mean?” I blurted out without thinking. I went flush with embarrassment. Making eye contact with Kelsey, she smiled at me encouragingly. She seemed glad I was there.
“It means that it doesn’t matter if someone forgives you or not… It’s not a matter of them accepting your apology. It’s between you being truly sorry for your actions or someone else’s and God restoring you,” The woman replied.
“Good answer,” Sharon said smiling.
Another woman added, “I also think it’s important to note that if someone did something unacceptable, it’s not giving them permission to do it again.”
“Exactly,” Sharon said. “Just because we forgive someone doesn’t mean we are okay with them being in our lives… sometimes we need that distance to heal and move forward.”
“What if someone is dead?” I asked.
“That falls onto the fact that it’s between you and God. You can still forgive them, but it’s between your own heart and God in the end.”
I nodded. So I have to forgive Matt? How can I forgive such a heinous act? This is going to take some time.
“Anyone else have input on forgiveness?” Sharon asked. Kelsey’s hand went up. “Yes, Kelsey?”
“Sometimes what we do in our past… the devil likes to bring up over and over again in our minds and try to make us feel bad for them… but God’s love removes our sin. I love that Bible verse that says he has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west.”
She looked at me as she continued, “Our past is no longer an issue because Jesus died on the cross for all of our transgressions. When I went through my drug phase…” Her face went a little red. “It was really hard to move past that part of my life. I kept feeling like everything I had done made me not someone who God would love. I’d see other people who were way better Christians than I was, and I felt they were worthy, not me.”
“What did you do?” Sharon asked, edging her on.
“I had to surrender fully to God and when a thought would come up I’d pray that God would help me not accept the tricks that my mind and Satan were trying to play on me. The more I delve into prayer and studying God’s word, the easier everything in my life became.”
I started jotting down notes with the pen from my pocket. I needed this information, it was perfect. Kelsey had been through such a similar situation, I needed to know how to adjust my thinking so I could move forward. The night went on and was full of conversations about forgiveness and how it affected all the women’s lives. As an added bonus, we all got chocolate chip cookies and milk after the study wrapped up. It was so nice to spend time with other women that had been struggling with issues. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. It was also encouraging that these Godly women also struggled with sins, some as dark as mine at one point and came out better in the end.
On the way out to my car from Bible study, Kelsey caught up to me before I got into my car. “Hey…” she said.
“Hey Kelsey…”
“I’m really glad you came back.”
“Thanks,” I replied. “How’s work been going?”
“It’s been okay. I missed the last week because I went out on a summer camp with the youth group at my church in the valley. In fact, we just got back into town a few hours ago.”
“Oh wow,” I replied. “That sounds fun.”
“It was a blast.” She looked back at the house and said, “This group of women are amazing and I’m glad you decided to come.”
“Me too, did you hear I became a Christian?”
“Yeah! Joshua sent me a text about it; I also heard you had a baby?”
“Yes,” I replied, smiling. “Her name is Hope.”
She put her hand on my shoulder. “You look like you’re doing better. Keep hanging in there Claire.”
Kelsey skipped off down the driveway to her car. Turning to get into my car, I saw Joshua putting a ladder up to the chicken coop just over the white picket fence. Grabbing onto my pendent, I smiled as I watched him inspect the roof with a stern and serious look, which was quite cute.
Earlier during the group, one woman shared her experience and was in tears when she talked about how she almost didn’t marry her husband when she was holding onto past hurts from previous relationships. The way she spoke about her husband and how loving he was, reminded me of Joshua. I didn’t want to lose my opportunity with him.
“Hey,” I said coming over to the fence.
Jumping at my words, the latter wiggled a little and I almost swore he was about to fall. “Sorry about that, I thought everyone had left already.” He climbed down the ladder and began heading around the house.
“Wait,” I said, setting my study guide down in the gravel. Jumping the fence, I caught up to him as he rounded the corner of the house. “Joshua!”
He turned back to me. “What Claire?”
“I want to talk to you…”
“Why? We already talked; I think I know where you stand now.”
“I was wrong…”
“What do you mean?” He asked, stepping closer to me, his face unreadable.
“You know how crazy my year has been. I’ve been through more in the last little while than most people go through in a lifetime. But that’s not my point… My point is Joshua I like you a lot, but I don’t feel I deserve your love right now.” I tried to hold back tears as I confessed my feelings.
“I don’t understand. Why would you think a thing like that?” He said, grabbing my hand, a spark of hope in his eyes.
“I don’t know… because I don’t love myself?”
“Well, I love you, doesn’t that mean something?”
I smiled at him as I rubbed his hand with my thumbs. “But I’ve done some messed up stuff. You know a lot of it, but not all of it.”
“It all doesn’t matter to me, Claire. It’s not a deal breaker here. I know what I am signing up for. I don’t care what you have done in the past; I care what you are doing now, and about your future. I know you’ve gone through so much this last year, so I am sorry my timing might be a little off or inconvenient, that wasn’t my intention.
I tried to give you your space, that’s why I didn’t chase after you at the park, you had a lot to take in, but now… there’s no stopping this. My heart is literally bursting with my feelings for you constantly. I avoided coming in at Dale and Jennie’s on purpose and even tonight with working on the coop until I thought everyone was gone because I can’t see you without just wanting to be near you… I love you like crazy! Tell me what you feel Claire, please.” He pressed a finger softly against my chest, his eyes searching me, pleading with me. “What is in your heart? Forget about timing, forget about all the bad things that happened to you, what do you want Claire?”
I didn’t even have to think about his question, I knew the answer. “You. I love you Joshua.”
“Don’t just say that because I did Claire.”
“I’m not,” I replied, taking a step closer to him. He put his hands on my cheeks and it made my knees go weak. I could feel waves of emotions rushing over me at his touch. When he kissed me, I felt my cares melt away. When he held me, a feeling of safety came over me that I hadn’t felt with anyone before in my life.
Pulling back, I looked him in the eyes. He was everything I ever wanted in a man and I had him right under my nose this entire time. Bouncing from eye to eye, I wasn’t sure what one to focus on. “I love you, but I have to ask one more time, you’re really okay with me having a baby and a bad past?”
“Of course Claire, Hope is a blessing. And God forgives you of your past. As far as I am concerned your past is non-existent, I don’t care about it. I want to focus on a future… together.” He smiled and began kissing me again.
CHAPTER 30
Joshua arrived early the next morning to the Vander’s house. Knocking loudly on the front door, Dale answered it
with his bathrobe still on. I hadn’t seen Dale or Jennie since the night before, so they had no idea about Joshua and me being together. Coming down the stairs from hearing the knock, I had Hope in my arms and I could see through the kitchen to the front door and it was Joshua standing there as Dale opened the door.
“What can I do for you boy?” Dale asked. “It’s quite early… Nick’s surely asleep.”
With a dozen donuts in one hand and a gallon of milk in the other, he said, “I brought donuts and milk for everyone.”
Lizzy got up from the couch, along with Todd and they went running to the door. “Please let him in! I want a donut!” Lizzy said, tugging on Dale’s bathrobe.
“Okay, C’mon in…” Dale said, opening the door all the way. Coming into the kitchen, Joshua set the donuts and milk down onto the table and proceeded towards me with a smile on his face the whole time.
Coming to the base of the stairs, he raised a hand to meet mine as I walked down. His gorgeous brown eyes pulled me in. “Good morning beautiful,” he said, smiling as I placed my hand in his. I came down the stairs the rest of the way and he leaned over and looked at Hope. “Hey Hope, did you let your mother sleep in a little this morning?”
“She tried to let me, but you didn’t,” I said with a grin. He laughed as we all three went into the kitchen to eat.
“So is it official?” Todd asked, looking at Joshua and me as he dug a hand into the box of donuts.
Glancing over at me, Joshua’s eyebrows went up. “Yeah…” I said, smiling as I leaned over and kissed him.
“That’s news to me,” Dale said from a seat at the table.
“We just made the decision last night,” I replied.
After donuts and milk, Dale invited Joshua outside with him to do the chores while I stayed behind and sat at the kitchen table. Watching as the two of them went out the back porch; I couldn’t help but keep smiling.
Jennie came out of her bedroom and into the kitchen. Pouring herself a cup of coffee, she took a seat with me at the table. “You seem awfully chipper today.”
“I am…” I replied, directing my attention over to her.
“Good… I overheard from my bedroom. I am so excited for you, but what changed your mind about Joshua if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Last night’s Bible study… we were all talking about forgiveness and I realized I needed to forgive myself and not let my past troubles ruin my future or hold me back.”
“I see.” I could sense her skepticism.
“There was a lady there that almost didn’t end up with her husband because of past hurts that were holding her back. I realized that Joshua might not just stick around forever and I really love him.”
“Well, I am happy you went Claire,” Jennie replied.
“Yeah… I know love is a strong word, but it’s honestly how I feel about him Jennie. I love how kind he is, not only to me, but to others. He’s a great guy and I’m crazy about him. He knows I still have some stuff to work on but he’s okay with that, he even wants to help if he can. I took a leap of faith; I couldn’t just let him move on.”
“Well honey, he isn’t the type of boy to just move on,” Jennie said sitting back down to the table.
“What do you mean?”
“Joshua’s a cute boy and has had a lot of attention with the girls at church… but he never seemed very interested in any of them. You though, you’ve been different from the first time I seen you two in the same setting. He lights up every time you are around.”
Smiling, I replied, “Really? I haven’t ever noticed…”
“You wouldn’t have… You’ve been pretty occupied with your life lately. He’s fancied you for quite some time, I could tell. With that being said, I don’t think he’s one to just move on very easily.”
“I see. Regardless, I want to be with him now.” I looked down at Hope. “He’s perfect for us and I know he’d never do anything to hurt either of us.”
“Just because he’s a Godly boy doesn’t mean he can’t hurt you,” she said.
“I know, but I trust him. Are you trying to get me to not like him or something?” I laughed.
“Not at all,” Jennie smiled. “Just being honest and open with you.”
Hearing the kids run outside through the back porch, Jennie and I followed behind to go watch them play outside. I could see Joshua and Dale near the barn talking with one another. Joshua’s head was down and he was nodding while Dale spoke to him.
“What are they talking about?” I asked, leaning over to Jennie as we sat on the bench out on the porch. She looked up at them and smiled.
“Dale’s making sure Joshua’s intentions are good with you I’m sure.”
“His intentions?”
“Dale sees you like his daughter and he is protective of you. Even if Joshua is a fine lad in church and the community, Dale wants to make sure he is really good for you. Especially since you are a packaged deal, you have Hope. Dale wants to make sure his girls are taken care of.”
I didn’t reply, but instead just beamed as I saw them shake hands. Rushing through the corral and leaping the fence, I watched in confusion as Joshua ran through the yard and up to the porch. Out of breath, he grabbed his knees as he bent over trying to catch it.
Looking up at me and then over to Hope, he wiped the sweat from his brow trying to catch his breath.
“Joshua? Why are you running?” I asked, handing Hope to Jennie and getting up from the bench to come see him at the steps of the porch.
He grabbed my hand and kissed it softly as he looked up at me. “You are the most amazing person I have ever known.”
I blushed as he stood up and looked into my eyes.
“I know this might sound like I am repeating myself, but here it goes. I can’t say my timing couldn’t have been better, but regardless, I love you. We’ve known each other for a long time Claire. Our friendship that came before our love is the foundation for the rest of our life. What I’m trying to say…”
Bending a knee down as he gazed up into my eyes, Joshua asked, “Will you marry me Claire?”
Cupping my hands over my face in shock, my eyes began to water. “When?” I asked.
Joshua looked confused. “Wait, what? That’s a different answer.”
I laughed as I wiped my tears; my heart was pounding out of my chest. “Well, I want to wait a while… I want to finish getting my GED and I also want to have Hope be able to walk and be our flower girl.”
Shaking his head, he kept his eyes on mine. “I’ll wait a thousand years if that means I get to spend a single day as your Husband.”
Smiling, I nodded quickly, holding out my left hand. “Yes! I’ll marry you!”
Slipping the ring onto my hand, he stood up. “I love you, thank you for letting me love you and Hope; you’ve made me the happiest man alive!” He said leaning in to kiss me.
“I love you too!” I replied with tears of happiness streaming down my face. We’re going to be a family! Overwhelmed with love, I held onto Joshua as I smiled.
CHAPTER 31
By the following summer Hope was walking around like she owned the place. She surprised me, so smart from the start. Every milestone was met earlier than normal; I was so relieved my past hadn’t harmed her. While she was busy learning life, I was busy getting my GED while still being there for her as much as possible. Joshua and I had decided to marry at Manito Park under the gazebo since that was a memorable spot for us.
The entire wedding was orchestrated by Kelsey. Come to find out she had been wedding planning part time for a couple years and jumped at the opportunity to do ours. It was really fun getting to know her even more as we talked wedding details and planned it all out.
Peeking around the opening I was about to walk through, I saw all of our friends and family filling the white chairs on both sides of the aisle. Sophia from the shelter was there with her son Kole in a few rows from the front. She had finally got him back a few months ago and they now live in a h
ouse in Moses Lake. We’ve kept in touch through social media ever since she moved and got her life put back together.
I spotted Jennie up in the second row of chairs from the front. Her hair looked amazing. We had both went into town earlier in the day to get our hair, nails and make up done for the wedding. We’ve become closer than ever lately, her advice on childrearing has been priceless. I am really going to miss her once I move in with Joshua after the honeymoon. She and I had painted the inside of Joshua’s and I’s house last week, and that included Hope’s new room which was painted gray and light pink, it’s adorable. We had offered Todd to come live with us, but he loved his life at the farm with Dale and Jennie.
Pastor Johnny Ray was conducting the services and stood up at the front, and next to him stood the man of my dreams, Joshua. He looked excited but nervous.
The only thing missing that day was my parents. I knew they would have been so happy and proud of me. While I never did figure out the reason for why they distanced themselves from the church so much, I took comfort in the fact that they were in heaven looking down on us. From time to time, I think about each of them and I appreciate the memories I have from my childhood with them. The whole ‘leaving out God of the family’ wasn’t a tradition I’d carry on with Joshua. My time with my aunt and uncle over the last year has shown me that a family with God at the center is how a family was designed to be.
Turning around, Dale and Todd were standing there with me. Dale’s eyes were watering. I hadn’t seen Dale cry before, and it touched me he was getting all emotional. He grabbed my hand and said, “Your parents would be so proud of you Claire… You’ve come such a long way.”
Following Joshua’s proposal, I had continued the Healed and Set Free Bible study and found a deeper relationship with my Creator in the process. God restored my life to me through that class by the time Christmas rolled around. I even started teaching my own Healed and Set Free class down at the soup kitchen I had volunteered at previously. Upon returning to that soup kitchen, I had found out that Pete was adopted out by a Christian family out in Suncrest, just outside of Spokane. He wasn’t able to attend the wedding though, because his family had gone to South Africa to help with an orphanage for the summer. We have stayed in contact with one another through email. I didn’t have reach out to Pete, but I felt he played a vital role in my eyes opening to the truth of God’s unyielding love.