Trying Not To Love You

by Megan Smith

  "Hunter, you're drunk. I'm not talking to you about anything. Now get out." I pushed his shoulders back a little, letting him know I was serious but I didn't let go of him for fear he would fall over.

  "I'm not drunk." He was slightly slurring his words. He may not be drunk but he was feeling pretty good. "I want you so fucking bad it hurts, CC."

  His words were squeezing my heart so tight I felt like I couldn't breathe. I wanted him too, but not like this, not until he knew my secret. "I can't Hunter. It hurts me too, but I just can't do it."

  I needed him to wrap me in his arms and tell me everything would be ok, that we would figure things out together. I gripped his shirt where my hands were still on his shoulders and pulled him so we were close but not quite touching. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath; he smelled manly and clean, with a hint of his cologne that I loved so much. His smell settled me. He lifted my chin with his fingers. He was shaking, or maybe that was me.

  "CC please, even if it's for tonight. I just need to hold you."

  I took a deep breath. I could do this. We didn't need to do anything and I doubt he would even remember come morning. I know this is a bad idea, but I need him too. I'll slip out before he wakes and hope he doesn't remember this.

  "Fine, but nothing is happening Hunter. It can't." I let go of him, went to pull down the covers from my bed and crawled in. I heard Hunter wrestling with something behind me. Please let it only be his shoes. I cannot have him cuddled up to me skin to skin. Luck wasn't on my side tonight. When he got in bed, he was in nothing except his boxers.

  "Hunter, you need to put your clothes back on. I don't need my parents walking in here, and seeing you practically naked, lying in my bed." My parents wouldn't come in here but he didn't need to know that. I just needed his clothes back on.

  "It's fine CC, just lay here with me." Hunter said, with his eyes half closed.

  Huffing, I reached under my head, took one of my pillows and shoved it between us; Hunter looked down at the pillow, reached for it and threw it on the floor, then pulled my body so my back was against his chest. "Stop fighting me." He whispered.

  His arm snaked around my waist and his hand spread out over my stomach. I tensed. "Stop pushing it." I moved his hand down my body so it rested on my hip. I was self-conscience about my stomach, knowing I was pregnant now.

  After a few minutes of complete stillness, I heard Hunter whisper, "I love you," and then a second later he was lightly snoring. I was finally able to relax and fall asleep. I snuggled up to him a little closer, wanting to take advantage of this time.

  The next morning, I woke up before Hunter even stirred. As soon as I opened my eyes, I ran to the bathroom to throw up. After that, I went back into my room as quietly as I could, grabbed some clothes and went back into the bathroom to get ready for what could be the worst day of my life.

  Mom was leaning against the kitchen island reading the paper and drinking her coffee. I could not see anyone else around, and thankfully, she wasn't cooking anything. "Morning, Mom."

  She took off her glasses and set them down on the island. "Morning baby girl, you want something for breakfast?"

  I took a deep breath, trying hard not to think of food. "No thanks, I was going to go for a walk. You want to come with me?"

  "Oh, um, sure." She finished her coffee, sat the cup in the sink and we left for our walk.

  "So," She crossed her arms over her chest. We were walking down the sidewalk towards the park I met Dominic at last night. "You want to tell me what's going on with you and Hunter?"

  Here goes nothing I guess. It is probably better to start at the beginning. "Well, it was Mason that we were fighting over; things were pretty tense for a while. We were fighting off and on and I was constantly panicking that at any minute he would tell me he couldn't work things out with me. I kept getting sick, worrying about it all the time. He found out that Dominic came over to the house on Christmas, and was pissed off because I hadn't told him. I told Hailey I needed some space from him, so I took off one night from his house while waiting for Hailey; I guess that pissed him off even more. He didn't talk to me for two weeks after that. A guy from school covered my shift yesterday so I could leave early and come home." We stopped at the stop sign, looked to make sure there were no cars coming then crossed the street. "I ran into Dominic on my way home from work that night, and he asked if we needed a ride home. I guess Hunter came looking for me and when I wasn't there he panicked and called you."

  "He told me he had a feeling you were with Dominic. He went to Dominic's dorm room and he wasn't there either but Hunter wasn't sure. Sweetie, I know this isn't any of my business but he really does love you and your brothers. He was torn between you guys."

  "I know mom, I just wish things didn't end the way they did. Mason, I think, finally got his head out of his ass about us, but it's a little too late now."

  "It's not too late if you don't let it be. I know you love him." Mom said smiling at me.

  I started crying, and sat on a bench that we were passing. "Mom, he's going to hate me for what I did. He is going to think I'm trapping him. I don't know how I am going to be able to tell him. I'm so scarred he's going to leave me for good."

  She sat down next to me, and hugged me into her side. "Tell me what's going on baby girl."

  I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked her direction, "I'm so sorry mom. I didn't mean for this to happen but I'm pregnant."

  Mom blinked a few times, letting the words sink in. Disappointment crossed over her face, and then realization as to what I just said hit her. She didn't say anything for a while; I started shaking from my nerves. Was she upset, mad? I needed her to say something, anything.

  She reached over and grabbed my hand, I sighed with relief. Maybe things would be ok. I could deal with her being upset with me because I was upset with myself.

  "MacKenzie," She squeezed my hand. "I can see how upset this is making you and it should. You have such a bright future ahead of you. I'm not saying you can't have that now, but it's going to be a struggle." A few tears fell from her eyes. "I didn't want this to happen to you. I am disappointed, but it has happened and now we have to deal with it. We, sweetie, not just you. Your whole family is here for you."

  The tears flow freely now, and my mom wraps me in her arms and shushes me.

  "I take it you haven't told anyone yet?" She asks, running her hands through my hair.

  "Not really, only Chloe, Hailey and Dominic." I said through the sobs.

  "Dominic?" I knew she would be surprised. After all, she knows I don't talk to him anymore.

  "Yeah, he's actually the one that bought me the test. Logan, the guy I work with, figured it out pretty quickly. He told Dominic that I was acting the same way his sister did over winter break. I think that's why Dominic took us home. Any other reason and I don't think he would have chanced it with Hunter and the boys."

  Nodding at me, she said, "You need to tell Hunter sweetie. This isn't something you can hide from him. If he doesn't want any part of this, then it is what it is but I don't think that will happen. Your family is here for you, and before you even ask, yes, they are going to be upset over this, but no one will turn their backs on you or my little grandchild in there." She said as she rubbed my stomach.

  Calming down a little, I wiped the final tears out of my eyes, and hugged my mom as tight as I could. "I love you mom."

  "Aww, I love you too baby girl." She said hugging me back. "Have you called the doctors or anything yet?"

  "No. I have no idea what I need to do, which is another reason I decided to talk to you first."

  She took my hand in hers. "Well, first thing we need to do is call and make an appointment to see the ob-gyn. They will have you take a test in the office and will also do some blood work." She stood up, and pulled me up with her. "Let's get back to the house," she pulled her sleeve up to look at her watch. "and make an appointment. Someone should be in the office u
ntil noon."

  Smiling my first real smile in a few days, I said, "Let's do it."

  Mom stopped walking and gave me another apologetic smile. "You are going to have to tell your brothers and your father, but I'll be there with you."

  "Well, Mason was pissed at me already, so I might as well add this to his list of reasons now; I just hope he doesn't murder Hunter. I know Coop and Jackson will be upset with me. And dad, ugh I don't even want to think about it."

  "We will get through it as a family sweetie."

  Mom was able to pull some strings and got me an appointment for Monday morning to see the ob-gyn. They confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, and they did some blood work to confirm how far along I was and give me a better due date. They told me I would have the results back in a day or so. Until I got the results back, I was staying clear of everyone.

  Wednesday night Mom and I decided to get some ice cream and sneak off to the bookstore to get me some books on my pregnancy. Chloe surprised us back at the house with a few things for me as well, and we went into the sitting room to talk about the wedding.

  "Chloe, I'm going to look like a whale in your wedding. I really would just rather do something else special for you." I begged her.

  Glaring at me, she said "Oh no, I need you there with me. You are my maid of honor and you cannot back out on me. It's not an option."

  "Come on Chloe, you really want to take pictures with Shamu standing next to you? I'll probably be waddling like a duck, walking down the aisle." I started laughing picturing it.

  Mom joined in on laughing at me too, and Chloe was still glaring at me. "Just because you went and got knocked up doesn't mean…"

  I heard someone clear there throat behind me. Oh, please be Hailey, please!

  Chloe and Mom turned their head, but I knew who it was, felt who it was. Once they saw who it was, they looked right at me and confirmed what I already knew.

  "Hello Hunter, the boys aren't here. I think they went to the movies or something." Mom told him.

  "Yeah I know. Can I uh, talk to CC alone?" Hunter asked them.

  "You ok?" Chloe asked, looking at me apologetically.

  I could feel my cheeks starting to burn red, and I didn't trust my voice to speak just yet, so I just nodded my head. I folded my hands in my lap, and curled my legs Indian style on the couch. Chloe and mom got up, but mom stopped, kissed the side of my head and whispered, "Tell him sweetie. I think he may just surprise you." I just nodded.

  They walked out, and Hunter came to sit across from me. He didn't say anything. He just looked at me. I started biting my lip, nervous about this conversation. This could be the end of us, the end of us all being a family. No more holidays, Sunday dinners, birthdays, graduations, no nothing if this didn't go over well. I looked away from him and glanced down at the table that was between us where the baby books and magazines were sitting.

  Hunter cleared his throat again, and looked down at the table where I was looking. If he didn't have an idea what we were talking about before, he sure did now. I watched his face closely as he was putting two and two together. "So um…" He scratched the scuff that was on his face. He looked at the books and back up at me. "Are they yours?"

  My hands were sweating; I was shaking, "Yeah."

  His eyes went wide, "You're pregnant?"

  I nodded.

  "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, looking a little hurt.

  "Hunter, just listen to me for a minute, okay? You are twenty-two, and ready to graduate from college in a few months. I don't want this to stop you from making something of yourself. Just because this baby is ours doesn't mean you have to be with us." I stood up from the couch and started pacing. "I want to be with you, Christ knows I do. Don't get me wrong. I can raise this baby on my own. You didn't ask for this and I don't want you to think I trapped you."

  "Are you done?" He asked with a smirk on his face.

  "Yes."

  "CC, I love you more than you will ever know. I never stopped. I understand why you haven't told me, why you didn't come to me first. I've been an asshole." He stood up, and came over to me, grabbed both of my hands with his, and pulled them between us. "I'm sorry; I didn't know what to do. Our families are so close, and I felt like I was ruining it. I broke my promise to you that I wouldn't break your heart. I need to make that up to you."

  I interrupted him. "You don't need to make anything up to me. Hunter, I ruined us. I told you I was protected. I thought I was. Remember when I was sick over Christmas break, and the doctor put me on antibiotics?"

  "Yeah, when you had your ear infection."

  "Well, it cancelled out my birth control. I'm so sorry." The tears were pooling in my eyes. "I wasn't thinking. I don't want you to hate me; I swear I wouldn't do something like this to trap you."

  I started sobbing; now he's going to tell me he hates and he's done with me.

  "I know you wouldn't do anything like that CC and I love you for that. I want this with you, with our baby. I want to be a family. I want to take care of you and our baby. I know you didn't trap me, and I want you to stop thinking that. You know everything happens for a reason, right? Please stop crying."

  I took a shuddering breath. "Yes, but I feel like I'm holding you back now, trapping you. I don't want you to regret doing this with me."

  He reached up, cupped my face in his strong hands and used his thumbs to brush the tears away. "CC I could never regret anything about you, ever." Hunter dropped his hands, moved them on my hips and pulled me towards him. "You know I'm going to marry you one day, right?"

  "Are you going to marry me just because I'm pregnant?" He could not be serious. Just because I was having our baby didn't mean I was expecting him to propose.

  He kissed me, "No. Because I'm never letting you go again. You are it for me. I don't give a shit if your brothers don't like it or not. I'm done trying to make everyone happy. I should have been done a long time ago. I'm going to make it up to you, I promise." He kissed me again, lingering a little longer this time.

  I reached up, and entwined my fingers behind his neck. "I love you Hunter."

  "Hmmm, I love you too CC. I guess I need to talk to them and do some explaining. First, I need to show you something. I should wait until it's finished, but this is for you now too." He led me out to his truck. It was just starting to rain, but the sun was shining bright, and a rainbow was out over the field across the street.

  He stopped and kissed me before opening the door to his truck for me to get in. "You know I love kissing you in the rain. I just couldn't help myself." He winked at me, then opened the door and helped me in.

  We drove for about twenty minutes, and pulled up to a cute little neighborhood. The houses were beautiful, mostly two stories with nicely manicured lawns. Hunter turned into the driveway of one that was towards the end of the street.

  "Who do you know who lives here?" I looked at him suspiciously.

  The house was two stories with tan siding, white trim and white shutters. It had a two-car garage and with a little work, nice landscaping. The bushes needed to be trimmed and there were a few bare spots in the lawn.

  "Come on, I'll tell you when we go inside." He came around the truck, and opened the door for me.

  He laced our fingers together, and we walked up the walkway to the house. He reached in his pocket, pulled out his keys and unlocked the door. I gave him a funny look.

  He pulled on my hand and ushered me inside. Once he closed the door, he put his hands around my waist and rested them over my stomach. I tensed, but then soon relaxed when he started rubbing his hands over it.

  "Welcome home CC." He said softly to me.

  "What? This is yours?"

  Shaking his head at me, he says, "No, this is ours."

  Was I missing something? How could this be his?

  "I don't understand. How can you buy a house like this, and when did you have the time to even look for a house?"

  Chuckling at me, clearly amused by my confusion he
says, "Well, when I turned twenty-one, my trust fund kicked in. I knew I was coming back to Jersey to live, so Mom has been on the lookout for me. She found this around Christmas; I just signed the papers on Friday when I got back. It needs a lot of work but it's not too bad. Come on, I'll show you."

  In front of us was a staircase that led to the second floor. Off to the right, there was a living room with a fireplace and a bay window. When we walked past the stairs, there was the dining room with floor to ceiling windows and off the dining room was the kitchen. The kitchen was beautiful. It had dark granite counter tops, black appliances, plenty of counter space and tons of cabinets. Next to the kitchen was a full bathroom with a stand up shower. It needed some fixing up and a good cleaning but was not too bad. There was a huge family room with sliding glass doors leading to a nice sized back yard with an in-ground swimming pool.

  "That door leads to the basement, but it's a mess down there. I don't want you getting hurt on the steps since there are a few broken ones." Hunter pointed at a door in the family room. "Come on, I'll show you the upstairs."

  He led me up the stairs to the first bedroom on the right. Bright yellow paint and stained carpet greeted me. "Don't worry; this is getting new paint and hardwood floors. Actually, all the other rooms are too. The only room that is already finished is our room." He lifted my hand and kissed it.

  He took me into the second room and the mint green paint and dark green carpet was hideous. Yes, this has to go too.

  The bathroom was at the end of the hallway. It was very out dated but it was huge. With a few upgrades, it would be great.

  "Ok, now I'm going to close your eyes. This is our room." He stood behind me, and covered my eyes with his hands.

  "Use your left hand and reach straight ahead for the door knob." I complied and opened the door.

  Hunter walked us into the room and lowered his hands. The room was gorgeous; I fell in love with it. It was enormous compared to the other two. Chestnut hardwood covered the floors, and there was a king-size canopy bed positioned between two wide windows. There was a dresser and a bureau, both black. Behind the only door in the room was a walk in closet with all the shelves and racks you could ever use and in the center, there was a tall square table with drawers.