by Michael Fry
She glared down toward Gumdrop and Phil.
“Shut up and stay here,” Loraine barked. “These things might look cute and cuddly, but they’re wild creatures. They’ll sting you to sleep faster than you can say holy hippogriff.”
Lame. I can say “holy hippogriff” pretty darn fast.
Loraine pulled out two long sticks with prods at the end that hummed with what sounded like weird, twinkling electricity. Uncle Dale’s eyes widened.
“Is that a Uni-Prod?” he asked.
“Yeah, too many for nets. I can herd them back into the portal with these babies.”
“Be careful,” said Uncle Dale with a bit too much real concern. “All those horns could sting you to sleep for eight to ten hours.”
That sounds nice.
“Careful is for cowards!” snorted Loraine as she dumped Phil and Gumdrop out on the floor and set out after the unicorns.
Uncle Dale helped the elves to their feet. “Thanks for the heads-up, guys. Is the hot-air balloon gassed and ready to go?”
Wait a minute. Hot-air balloon? Uncle Dale is in on this. Again!
“But Bobbie won’t go with us,” said Phil.
Uncle Dale shot me a look. “C’mon, Bobbie! Phil and Gumdrop need our help!”
I said, “How many ways do I have say this to make this clear? I’VE QUIT THE BEING-SPECIAL BUSINESS!”
“No time to argue,” said Uncle Dale. “With Loraine distracted, we’ve only got a brief window.”
Phil pointed at Cole. “What about the kid?”
Cole was in shock. He just kept repeating, “Unicorns. In the hallway. Unicorns. In the hallway.”
I felt sorry for Cole because now he was just like me. He’d seen something so unbelievable he couldn’t write a story about it because everyone would think he was crazy too.
Been there. Hated that.
I wanted to give him a pat on the back and tell him it would be all right, but c’mon, who am I kidding? It’s never going to be all right. It’s just going to be weird. At least until you forgot about it. Which was still my plan right up until Uncle Dale grabbed me and pointed down the hall.
Chapter 16
Have you ever seen a unicorn stampede?
It’s equal amounts adorable and bizarre. And a lot more rainbow poop than you’d imagine.
Colorful poop aside, here I was being chased and dragged—no, FORCED—into ANOTHER insane Trans-Dimensional freakathon as we headed straight for my locker!
Phil hurled the door open. My books and binders were gone, replaced by a . . . wait. What?
Behind me Loraine yelled, “Oh no you don’t! Stop right there!”
Gumdrop and Phil jumped through the portal. They beckoned me to follow.
And that was the exact moment when Cole Crusterman volunteered as a crazy person.
Uncle Dale looked at me, then back at Loraine and the charging unicorns. He gave me a sad look. “C’mon, Bobbie, we need you.”
“No. You don’t!”
Uncle Dale gave me his best “I’m disappointed in you” look, then jumped into the locker.
“Comin’ through!” yelled Loraine.
Before I could say anything, the unicorns were on me and I had to duck.
Loraine ran up and stopped before following. “You made the right choice, kid. Those fools are getting locked away for a long time.”
Wait, what?! Locked away? What did that mean?
I watched as Loraine pulled out a crazy-looking weapon, aimed it through my locker, and fired.
I couldn’t believe it. Were Uncle Dale, Phil, Gumdrop, and Cole really going to be locked away by Loraine? Did I abandon them? Did they really need me like Uncle Dale said?
Just then the fun-sized unicorn nuzzled up against me. I guess she’d somehow escaped Loraine’s grasp.
That’s when I had a crazy idea.
So much for morning detention. Or school. Or the whole not-being-special thing.
Chapter 17
I rode Señorita Sparkles through my magical portal/locker and into another dimension. Yeah. I named her. I was in a hurry. Don’t judge.
I had a plan. No, not a plan. More like an idea. Well, not an idea exactly. More like a . . . Okay, I had no clue what I was going to do.
As we galloped through the grassy meadow, I saw Loraine securing a large net containing Uncle Dale, Cole, Phil, and Gumdrop.
I rode closer and closer. Señorita Sparkles lowered her head, leading with her horn. That’s when I figured out what I was going to do. Or Sparkles figured it out for me.
Loraine was out like a light.
I guess it was pretty awesome. I tried to hide my smile as I untied them from the net.
Once freed, they all ran toward the hot-air balloon.
Uncle Dale beckoned me. “C’mon, Bobbie!”
“No way,” I said. “I’m going back to class.”
That’s when Uncle Dale pointed behind me.
I glanced over my shoulder and saw Loraine slowly trying to get up from her brief unicorn slumber.
She jumped for me. I ran.
“Hurry! Faster!” shouted Phil.
I dove into the balloon’s basket. Gumdrop made quick work of the rope and we slowly began to ascend. Loraine dove . . .
. . . and missed.
Loraine shook her fist at us and screamed, “I’ll get you! Just you wait! I’ll hunt you down! You can’t escape Loraine the Bounty Hunter!”
Chapter 18
It was all a bad dream.
It had to be.
Who jumps through a locker into another dimension and then boards a hot-air balloon after being chased by a Trans-Dimensional bounty hunter?
Crazy people.
I am not a crazy person, therefore, ipso facto, I must be having a nightmare. Time to wake up.
Fortunately, I’ve got a checklist for that.
I was just about to try number four (without a bed) when Uncle Dale interrupted.
“Relax, kid, this ain’t a dream! It’s all real! Just look!”
Meanwhile, Cole got right to work.
“After deft evasion of the bounty huntress Loraine,” he said to his viewerless live stream, “we boarded an air-bound vessel toward our next destination, which is . . .”
Cole looked up.
“Why, the Bermuda Triangle, of course!” cried Gumdrop.
“The Bermuda what?!” I shouted.
“Triangle!” shouted Phil. “Though it kinda looks more like a lazy drawing of Texas.”
I shook my head. “Now what?”
“That’s where we’ll meet Grumpus, the portal master, and get some answers to this whole imagination migration situation,” added Gumdrop.
“Whoa, Grumpus,” said Dale. “Is he still running that fantasy way station?”
Phil said, “Yup. Ever since he came over during the Great Mythical Migration of ’59.”
Dale turned to me. “How about that, Bobbie? We’re going to meet the actual Grumpus!”
Their mouths moved. Words came out. But I had no idea what they were talking about.
Gumdrop sensed my confusion. “Bobbie, dearest, this situation with imaginary creatures crossing the boundary into the real world is quite the conundrum.”
I looked up “conundrum” on my phone.
I wasn’t buying it.
I said, “I don’t get it. That boring Topher/Bigfoot dude and the unicorn sparkle brigade all seem pretty harmless to me.”
“Not all imaginary creatures are harmless,” said Phil. “There are many unsavory ones. Imagine if vampires, werewolves, laser ghosts, and swamp minions all crossed over. Madness! Sheer madness!”
Okay, so the thought of living with a werewolf does seem kind of terrifying.
“I still don’t understand why I NEED TO BE HERE!” I shouted.
“I want to be here,” interrupted Cole. “I can help. Let me help!”
“What the #$%!! is THAT?” I cried.
Everyone turned and looked to the horizon.
This woman does not give up.
“We’re doomed!” Gumdrop yelped.
“Evasive maneuvers!” Phil commanded.
“This is gonna be awesome!” Cole yelled.
“Do I look fat in this spaghetti strainer?” asked Uncle Dale.
Chapter 19
Great. My uncle has a crush on a bounty hunter—which sounds like a cheesy romantic comedy you’d see for ninety-nine cents.
Before I could slap some sense into Uncle Dale, Phil placed a large bazooka thingy in my hands.
Phil said, “When she gets close, fire at will!”
That’s pretty high up on my list of worst things you can hear in a hot-air balloon.
I stared at the bizarre weapon. “What does this even do?”
“Sprinkle cannon! To intercept her Frozen Marshmallow Missiles!” Phil said without cracking a smile.
Of course . . . what else would it be?
As Loraine drew closer I could see the anger in her eyes; she wasn’t used to losing and she wasn’t about to start now.
“Fire, Bobbie!” Gumdrop shouted.
“Great shot, Bobbie!” shouted Cole. “The sprinkles are destroying the marshmallows!”
Okay, I’m not going to try to explain how marshmallows can shoot down a balloon or how sprinkles can take out marshmallows. You’re just going to have to go with me here. In the Trans-Dimensional World, weird stuff happens.
Unfortunately, the sprinkles didn’t slow Loraine down. They only made her angrier. She swooped in closer!
Loraine cried, “Set the balloon down NOW! Before I shoot it down!”
Uncle Dale was smitten. “Awesome pterodactyl. Jurassic period. Vintage.”
I turned to the elves. “Maybe we should listen to her?”
Phil: “No way!”
Loraine circled around for another strike. I steadied my sprinkle cannon for the inevitable marshmallow onslaught when I was suddenly met with Cole’s phone shoved in my face region.
“It’s Bobbie Mendoza, former savior of Christmas, hero of the Trans-Dimensional realm, currently under fire from an unhinged bounty hunter! Any thoughts, Bobbie?!”
“Irritation!” I shouted.
“Earlier today I have you on record saying you were normal and ‘not weird,’ but this appears to be the exact opposite of normal. How do you respond?”
“Fire, Bobbie! Now! Now! Now!” shouted Gumdrop.
But it was too late. Cole’s stupid questions had distracted me from Loraine’s attack.
Hello. What’s the number one thing you don’t want to hear on a hot-air balloon?
Gumdrop screamed, “We’re losing AIRRRRRR!”
Yep. We were. And fast!
“We’re going down! Brace for impact!” shouted Phil.
We were falling, out of control. Headed toward what I could only assume was a pit of hot chocolate lava or a nest of children-eating dragon-bears.
This was it. The end. Reluctant heroine eaten by weird, mutant bears.
“We’re going to CRASH!” yelled Uncle Dale.
“Wait. What?” I said.
“We landed softly. We didn’t crash!” cried Cole.
“But where are we?” asked Phil.
“Sounds like the ocean?” said Uncle Dale.
“OH dear!” said Phil. “I think . . . we may have landed on . . .”
Whaaaaaaat?!
“Mermaid Island is the most wondrous place in the entire Trans-Dimensional universe!” explained Uncle Dale. “It’s like Hawaii meets Switzerland meets Narnia . . . but with MERMAIDS!”
“This just gets better and better!” cried Cole.
“They say the second you lay eyes on a mermaid you fall in love for the rest of your life,” said Phil.
That’s when things got really strange.
Glenn?
Chapter 20
Turns out we’d landed on Mer-man Island. Big difference.
Mermaids are exactly how they’ve been portrayed in movies and TV. According to Gumdrop and Phil, they have long silky hair that never gets tangled despite living in saltwater. They have flawless skin that never needs sunscreen. And, of course, they have the voices of angels that are always singing original songs about the majesty of the ocean.
A mer-man, however, is . . . well, he’s a lot like Glenn!
Phil, Gumdrop, and Uncle Dale were more than a little disappointed.
Phil said, “Um, Glenn, maybe you could just point us in the direction of Mermaid Island.”
“Happy to walk!” added Gumdrop.
“Chillax, bros,” said Glenn as he pointed to the sky. “You’re still wanted by that angry lady. I can help! And hey! I made fish tacos!”
We all looked up. Loraine and her pterodactyl were closing in fast. There really wasn’t time to argue. We tumbled out of the balloon basket and followed Glenn to a large sand dune.
“In here!” he shouted.
“That’s a sand dune,” I pointed out.
“Nah, it’s an optical illusion created by the Mirage 3000! Check it out!” he shouted as he rode his Segway into the dune like he was riding through a waterfall.
“Where’d he go?!” I shouted.
“C’mon, Bobbie, more adventure awaits!” said Cole, as he followed Glenn into the sand.
First a locker. Now a sand dune. Following this kid was getting old fast.
Chapter 21
The sand dune led to a large cave that smelled vaguely of salt water and Axe Body Spray.
“What is this place?” I asked. “Are we safe here? Where is Loraine? And most important, where are those fish tacos?”
“Take a chill pill, little lady, you’re totes safe! This is the mer-cave and these are my mer-bros!” Glenn said.
Four tank-top clad mer-bros turned from playing Grand Theft Jet Ski to check us out.
It was a Dude Cave. The kind of place my dad would have liked to hang out in while my mom was shopping.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, is that Bobbie Mendoza, savior of Christmas and all-around groovy preteen chica?” said Trevyn—the tannest of the bunch.
“How do you know who I am?”
“You and your uncle are leh-gen-dary!” cheered Kevin—who had the spikiest hair of the bunch.
“We are?” I said.
“We are!” Uncle Dale said.
I tried to roll my eyes, but I found that for a brief moment, the eye-rolling command in my brain had been replaced by the dreaded “blush” feature.
“Not that I care or anything . . . but why’d you rescue us?” I asked.
“Because of the Imagination Wars of course!” Juan Carlos Jimenez said.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa—I think the word ‘war’ might be a little intense, bro!” said Glenn. “It’s more like an Imagination Scuffle. But you’re here to fix all that, right?”
I looked over to Gumdrop and Phil. I could tell from the looks on their faces that once again they hadn’t told me the whole truth.
“I thought I was here because of my cheer,” I said.
“Yes, err . . . cheer is a nice thing, but uh . . . yes, we’re in a bit of a bind when it comes to the imagination area . . . ,” said Gumdrop.
“Yes, and hopefully you can help us figure it out!” said Phil.
“So you lied to me again!” I shouted.
“No, we didn’t lie! I mean, not exactly,” interrupted Gumdrop. “You see, Bobbie, we just didn’t tell you every bit of the truth because we felt you’d, you know, ignore us.”
Never.
Trust.
Elves.
It was time for the full story.
“Wait, wait, wait!” I interrupted. “So you want me to talk to this Grumpus guy?”
Gumdrop smiled and sat next to me. “That’s where you’re mistaken, Bobbie; this Grumpus guy . . . he wants to talk to you!”
Chapter 22
Am I famous?!
Perhaps being the only human child to have crossed over into the Trans-Dimensional World twice can do that for you. What’s it l
ike being a celebrity?
A girl can dream.
But apparently this Grumpus guy is a big deal and he asked specifically for me. He’d heard what I did with the whole Christmas thing and wanted to see if I could help him fix this portal problem.
“Okay, so how do we get to him?” I asked. “Our hot-air balloon is busted and, according to that security camera, there’s a very angry Loraine storming around outside your super-secret hidden mer-man cave.”
“Glad you asked, little lady,” said Glenn. “To get to Grumpus and the Bermuda Triangle, you’ll need to take the Trans-Dimensional subway!”
“A Trans-Dimensional subway!” said Cole with far too much enthusiasm.
“Yep, and it stops right here. A train will arrive in the morning.”
“We have to stay here? With you guys? All night?” I asked.
“A sleepover!” yelled Glenn.
“Awesome!” agreed Trevyn.
“We’ll make s’mores!” added Juan Carlos Jimenez.
“Terrific,” I said as non-terrifically as I could.
Meanwhile, Cole went into full hyper-geek-drive.
It was going to be a long night.
Chapter 23
I lay awake for a long time. I went over and over my situation in my head. Why did this Grumpus guy really need me? Why is it they always pick the person who wants nothing more than to hide in plain sight to be the person with a neon sign over her head saying . . .