by Michael Fry
This was a big one. Not the little fun-sized guy I rode through my locker. It was lights out for Loraine. Unicorn coma city. Unfortunately for Loraine, she was poked unconscious on the ledge of a thirty-three-story building.
As we flew down toward the majestic fountain and entered the swirling portal, I leaned back and asked my mermaid rescuer, “Where are we going?”
“We’re taking you home,” said the mermaid.
Chapter 34
Mermaid Island was not at all like the slow-motion shampoo commercial that Phil and Gumdrop expected. It was more of an off-the-grid military base full of high-tech surveillance gear and of course—mermaids. Lots and lots of mermaids.
We were quickly ushered inside for questioning and separated from the loudly snoring Loraine.
“Hey! Where are you taking her?” said Uncle Dale.
“She took a heavy dose of unicorn toxin,” said the mermaid named Katy. “We just want to make sure she wakes up calm.”
I don’t think Loraine has ever been calm, awake or asleep.
They seated us in a cold, dark room with a table, a few chairs, and a one-way mirror that I assume hid a bunch of other mermaids on the other side. I could tell Uncle Dale was worried.
“Please let me know when she wakes up,” said Uncle Dale.
A voice over the loudspeaker said, “Please be seated.”
Uncle Dale quietly sat as a door opened. The mermaid that caught me when I jumped off the roof entered. She held a thick stack of official-looking documents in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.
“All right there! The name’s Tabitha—leader of the mer-woman brigade,” she said.
“Sorry to pipe in,” Phil said. “But is this the real Mermaid Island?”
“This here is Mer-woman Island. I’m afraid what you’re thinking of is just a myth.”
“No coconut bras?” said Phil.
“No coconut bras,” said Tabitha.
“Um . . . thanks for the dramatic rescue back there,” I said.
“Don’t mention it. And the funny-looking one . . . ,” she said, pointing to Uncle Dale. “That was real brave what you did catching the angry helmet lady.”
Uncle Dale blushed. “I hope she noticed.”
“So why rescue us?” I asked.
“We’ve been monitoring your progress since you hopped the boundary. When you contacted our fellow species mates on Mer-man Island we paid much closer attention.”
“About that . . . so the mer-men and the mermaids don’t really hang out together much?” I asked.
Tabitha sighed. “It’s mer-WOMEN! Do I look like someone’s maid?!”
“No,” I gulped. “I just . . .”
Tabitha calmly interjected. “We’re just independent gals over here. Plus, the guys really like fish tacos and hair gel, and we’re more into protein shakes and leave-in conditioner. Makes more sense for us to have our own islands. Still, we have mixers.”
“So if you’ve been monitoring us, then you must know what’s going on with Grumpus,” I said.
“Know?! We’ve been trying to bring it to SCUD for months, but they won’t listen. The portal glitches, the boundary hopping . . . it all leads back to him somehow.”
“Why won’t they listen?” asked Gumdrop.
“Because Grumpus holds a lot of power.”
“What’s his plan?” Uncle Dale asked.
“We think it might have something to do with Nightmare Island,” she said. “But we’re not sure what your pal Cole has to do with it.”
“No, that’s the thing!” I said. “They really want me. Cole sacrificed himself for me.”
“Mmph, you humans are braver than I thought,” said Tabitha.
“And what about elves?” said Gumdrop.
“Your mettle has yet to be tested,” she said. “But you are rather adorable.”
Gumdrop blushed. “You’re actually not so bad yourself.”
What was going on here?!
Before I could ask that, we heard a loud voice over the intercom . . .
Chapter 35
Loraine was fuming when we approached her holding cell.
“I’m gonna report all of you to SCUD,” shouted Loraine.
“You most certainly won’t be doing that, Loraine,” said Tabitha.
“Oh yeah, and why not, Sgt. Fishy?!”
“Because these humans are critical to helping you resolve your NICE List once and for all.”
“Calm down!” said Tabitha.
“No way! You kidnapped me! You’re all traitors! When I get outta here I’m gonna . . .”
I’d had enough.
It worked. See, I have skills.
“We are not traitors,” I said. “In fact, my uncle Dale saved your life. You were about to fall thirty-three stories and become a Viking pancake when he risked his own life to save you. And maybe if you stopped always yelling like a crazy person and accusing everyone around you of Trans-Dimensional treason you might be able to see that.”
Maybe it was my tone, maybe it was the fact that I was shaking, but Loraine got real quiet. She looked over to Uncle Dale.
“You saved me?” she asked him.
“Yes, ma’am. Happy to do so,” he said with as much charm as a grown man with a spaghetti strainer on his head can manage.
Loraine squinted at him real hard, as if she were trying to see if he was telling the truth or maybe trying to crack an invisible walnut with her eyelids. I guess Uncle Dale passed the squint test because after a few moments Loraine’s face softened and she said something I didn’t expect.
“Thank you very much. That’s very brave.”
“My pleasure,” said Dale.
Were we about to witness the lighter side of Loraine?
Guess not.
“Listen, Grumpus and a bunch of nightmare creatures have kidnapped our friend Cole and we need to rescue him,” I shouted.
“Prove it, pip-squeak!”
“I can’t! Unless there happen to be security cameras on Nightmare Island,” I said.
“There aren’t!” shouted Loraine.
“I was being sarcastic!” I yelled.
“Wait a minute,” said Gumdrop. “Cole’s live stream!”
Of course! That was brilliant! Cole had practically been live streaming everything to an audience of zero. We could be his first viewers. I mean if he hadn’t been partially digested by a dragon-bear by now!
“You want proof,” I said. “I’ll get you proof. But first . . . can we borrow a cell phone?”
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
So Grumpus was trying to get my squid nightmare? Is that why he sent us to Nightmare Island? And what machine was he going to hook Cole up to?
But before I could ask any of these questions, I noticed Loraine’s nostrils had flared to the size of grapes. Those big fat ones that cost seventy-nine cents each at Whole Foods.
Gumdrop said, “As you can see, Grumpus is up to something rather devious and/or nefarious.”
“He means ‘bad,’” I said.
“But where could they be?” asked Phil. “They’re not on Nightmare Island anymore.”
With a few keystrokes, Tabitha projected a screen grab of Cole’s live stream onto a larger video screen.
“Enhance!” she said.
“Enhance,” she yelled again.
The letters got clearer. I could see it was a window . . . and the letters S, U, and R were clear.
“Sur?” said Phil.
“No, no. It’s backward. So it’d be ‘RUS’!”
Then it hit me!
“No!” I shouted. “It’s ’R’ US. Cole is in NIGHTMARES ’R’ US! The store that was closed down in the Bermuda Triangle train station.”
“That must be Grumpus’s evil lair,” said Uncle Dale.
“Well, what are we waiting for . . . ?”
We all turned around to see Loraine, calm, cool, and collected. Though her nostrils were now the size of coconuts ($29.99 at Whole Foods).
“Loraine! You’re on our side now!” said Uncle Dale.
“Let’s roll!” she commanded.
And roll we did.
Chapter 38
We needed an elaborate rescue plan! Luckily, I’m great with plans!
I had to scratch out number five. Remember, when you’re the “chosen one” and you save the world, you have to keep it to yourself. I modified my list.
We didn’t have disguises, which meant we couldn’t take the subway line. So the mer-women airlifted us.
As we were getting ready to leave, Loraine approached me. “Your uncle really saved me?” she asked.
“He did,” I said.
“You know, I’m not the type of gal that usually needs saving.”
“I figured.”
“You seem like you don’t need much saving either.”
“I don’t know about that. I get scared all the time.”
Loraine chuckled. “Fear . . . it ain’t about fear. I’m terrified a lot in my line of work.”
“You are?”
“Going toe-to-toe with a dragon-bear that wants to eat your spleen for brunch is enough to make anyone scared.”
“Do you ever get, um . . . nightmares?” I asked.
“Used to . . . ,” she said. “But I got over that.”
“What changed?”
“I learned you just gotta embrace your fears.”
“Embrace? Like . . . actually hug them?”
Loraine chuckled.
“No, not like actually hug them. If I hugged a dragon-bear, I doubt it’d go well.”
Loraine continued, “More like . . . run toward it. Don’t run away from it. And if all else fails, imagine your fear in its underwear.”
“Really?” I asked.
“That was a joke,” laughed Loraine. “C’mon, kid, I can make jokes.”
“Let’s move,” barked Tabitha.
And before I knew it, I was strapped onto the front of a large mer-woman wearing a jet pack. Loraine was next, but she shook her head.
“I’ve got my own mode of transportation,” she said.
Chapter 39
We soared through the thick, sugary clouds of Candy Land and over the large grassy fields of Ninja Puppy Island (which has secret portals located in the back of every washer/dryer in the world).
As we neared the Bermuda Triangle train station, I sensed a change in the air. Maybe I was coming down from the sugar high of sticking my tongue out during a particularly fluffy cotton candy cloud, or we were getting close to Grumpus and his ghoulish goons.
I caught the glint of the train station in the distance when suddenly my eyes focused on something strange on the horizon. I squinted. I couldn’t quite make out what it was, but it looked like a large white sheet. Kind of like a piece of paper. But this white piece of paper had arms and legs.
I cried, “What on earth is that?”
“No idea,” Tabitha yelled over the roar of her jet pack.
We’d find out soon enough. It was moving straight toward us.
We were almost to the train station when I noticed writing on top of the page. It was a name. A name I recognized.
“Okay, seriously, what is that?” shouted Tabitha.
Wait! Of course! It was Cole’s nightmare!
For sure an A minus was what he feared the most. Somehow Grumpus must have made it come to life. But before I could tell everyone, Loraine screamed, “Evasive maneuvers!”
Ugh. Why are maneuvers always “evasive”? Why can’t it be “casual maneuvers” or “lackadaisical maneuvers,” or maybe even “I’ll-get-to-it-eventually maneuvers”?
We were under attack! The flying mer-women scattered as they avoided getting swatted down by the college-ruled King Kong.
“AHHHHH!” I screamed as Tabitha dodged a fatal swipe that sent us clumsily jostling through the air.
“We’re too heavy!” she yelled.
Was she saying I was fat? I mean, I know waffle-pops aren’t exactly the healthiest of foods, but now wasn’t the time.
Tabitha shouted, “Sorry, kid, but I gotta drop you off early!”
She started to unhook me.
“Wait! What?” I cried.
We swooped close to the ground and suddenly I was weightless, then falling, faster and faster toward the ground.
Good thing I stuck the landing.
Gracefully.
I dusted myself off and looked up. I was alone now. Above me, an aerial dog fight between the flying mer-women and a giant A minus was waging. I looked down. The train station was eerily quiet. What gives? I wondered.
That’s when I saw it right in front of me.
And inside I could hear a familiar sound.
It was Cole screaming.
Chapter 40
I snuck in through the back entrance of the store, creeping past a supply of gross products, like vampire dental floss, aged toilet paper (single ply, for mummy wrapping), and something called Zombie Lipless Gloss?
I quietly peered out to see Cole—strapped down on a table, with some sort of bizarre vacuum cleaner device stuck to the top of his head. It looked like he was sleeping.
A vampire next to him said, “Technically, boss, an A minus isn’t really that bad.”
A werewolf added, “C’s get degrees!”
Grumpus stomped his tiny foot. “I don’t need a lecture in academia! Where’s the girl?! Her nightmare is the one we felt across dimensions. She’s the one we need!”
So he did want my squid nightmare! But why? What was Grumpus up to? Before I could figure it out, Cole started to stir.
“The boy is waking up. What should we do now, boss?” said the vampire.
A mummy entered. “I can really try and scare him good this time!”
“Oh please, no one’s afraid of a mummy,” said the vampire. “You’re just a wad of toilet paper with legs!”
“Well, you’re just an old guy with weird dietary restrictions!” protested the mummy.
“Stop making fun of my peanut allergy!” yelled the vampire.
Grumpus fumed. “Prepare a portal! We’re sending him back to Nightmare Island, where he can learn to fear much more than just a bad grade.”
“Again, I don’t think an A minus is technically a bad grade,” said the clueless vampire.
Grumpus yelled, “Get some glue in the supply closet and stick it back on!”
I was in the supply closet! They were walking toward me! I needed a new hiding spot and fast!
I snuck into the nightmare bathroom (which was surprisingly clean) without anyone noticing me. But now I had to come up with a plan to save Cole! They were going to send him back to Nightmare Island for good! What could I do? I looked at myself in the mirror.
I looked at my reflection and thought . . . why me? Why does everyone think I’m so special? I get zits, my hair is too flat most days, and just the thought of talking to my mom about boys makes my armpits sweat. I mean, I’m normal!
So why won’t anyone let me act like it?
Why am I stuck in a werewolf bathroom in the Bermuda Triangle as an evil gnome tries to steal my nightmare and ban Cole to Nightmare Island?
I started this day just wanting to be invisible. Or at least hoping to blend in.
I was tired of looking at my reflection. I took a step away from the mirror when I noticed something. Toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Great.
Because now I had an idea . . .
What happened next definitely wasn’t my best idea, but it wasn’t my worst idea either. It was probably my best worst idea or my worst best idea.
It was my only idea.
Chapter 41
As I tiptoed out of the werewolf bathroom in my toilet paper prom dress, I heard Cole shouting for help.
I waddled as fast as I could in the direction of Cole, when suddenly I heard a voice ahead. It was Grumpus. He was talking to someone in hushed, angry tones.
Curiosity overcame me. I had to see.
Who was he talking to
? What was in that jar? He must have sensed someone was watching him because suddenly he turned around and glared at me.
I was caught!
Grumpus stared at me. “What are you doing, corpse! Go help the others!”
He bought my disguise! I mumbled a quick apology and shuffled after the sound of Cole’s screams.
I found Cole strapped to a chair in a room off the hallway. The nightmare creatures were setting up the portal.
The vampire protested, “Hey, none of us are ghouls.”
“I dated a ghoul once,” said the werewolf. “She was nice.”
“What does ‘grisly’ even mean?” asked the vampire.
“To cause horror or disgust!” shouted Cole.
“Aww, thank you,” said the werewolf. “That’s very sweet of you.”
“It’s a shame we gotta send this kid away; I’m learning a lot from him,” said the vampire as he powered up the portal.
“Hold on!” I shouted. They all turned to look at me.
Great. My mouth had moved before my brain had time to catch up.
They were all staring at me. I had to improvise. C’mon, Bobbie, think!
“Grumpus . . . uhh . . . well . . . he bought everyone pizza!” I said.
Oh no! There’s no way anyone would buy that.
Wow, undead people really are kind of stupid. I guess I just needed to roll with this.
I approached Cole and the others. “He said he’s sorry for being mean earlier, and for me to take care of Cole while you guys chow down.”
The werewolf pointed to the zombie. “Did he remember to get a side of gluten-free brains for Rick?”