"My goodness, he can be touchy, can't he?" Asti appealed to Tananda. "Very well. I apologize for assuming you have no morals. But look at the way you dress!"
"What, this old thing?" Tananda asked, tugging at her neckline so that her assets jiggled fetchingly. "You should see me when I want to attract attention."
"The fact remains," Ersatz said, regaining the floor, "that I, too, merit presentation in a more fitting sheath."
"I thought that one fit fine," I said, but he didn't give me any credit for my wit. Trust a straight sword not to have a sense of humor. He carried on without changing expression.
"This slip is not meet, nor spruce, nor any of the things that I could wish. It protects my edge and, yea, provides me with some anonymity, but as you can see, friend Aahz, it is falling apart! Surely your leather-working associate back there can fashion something in which I will not be ashamed to be seen?"
"Be fair, Aahz," Calypsa said, batting those long black lashes of hers.
"And who is going to pay for this meet sheath?" I countered.
"Well," the Walt said, lowering her head in embarrassment. "Tou are."
"To fit me out sweetly, I am certain that Chin-Hwag will add the price to your fee," Ersatz said, "with an emolument for making the outlay, of course. She and I were always well disposed to one another."
"Oh, that's it!" Asti said. "You promised him a big reward from the Endless Purse as well as restoring his powers! My goodness, I thought you were assisting this girl for the sake of her grandfather! I wish I could give you Scarolzzi fever again, you…you Pervert!"
"That's Pervect!" I growled.
Her accusation stung, but it was the truth. Why hide from it? I was doing Calypsa a favor. So what if I got something in exchange for my help? I wanted my powers back. If I could get them by collecting the whole set of Franklin Talkative Treasures, then I'd do it. I've done worse.
"If we wish to discuss greed, what about you?" Ersatz said, turning to Asti. "You are a member of the Golden Hoard! You are supposed to assist those in need without consideration for material return! The makers who set us on our path would be horrified that you put your base needs in the way of our mission."
"Hmph! I notice that you're dipping into fashion yourself at the moment," Asti said, a superior look on her bowl. "A new scabbard. I suppose you want jade plates carved with the tales of your exploits sewn to it."
"I had already sworn my allegiance to this child and her companions," Ersatz countered. "I had no idea that they would neglect me and my offer of service in their haste to pander to you."
"It's only because she threatened to drown them in bad wine," Kelsa pointed out, cheerfully. "That upchucking trick's always been one of her favorites. Why, I was looking in once when she washed away an entire garrison…"
"You're no better, blinding people or misleading them," Asti said, the line of her mouth drawn into a sneer. "I'm surprised you haven't already asked for a multi-sided box lined with mirrors so you can watch yourself from all angles."
"Why, what a lovely idea!" Kelsa said, beaming. "Although I was very much taken with Aahz's suggestion of a bowling bag. Very compact and cosy. I don't need mirrors to see myself, dear. Besides, if I rolled into one and broke it, I'd probably end up like you, seven years bad luck — or seven hundred. Wasn't that when you first got banged up?"
"Will you stop harping on that?" Asti asked. "Do you think I like looking like this? It throws off my flow."
"Yes, I saw how you got that big thumbprint in your stem. But who knew that curing that Troll of Gnrshkt poison was going to bring his strength back all at once? Well, I did, but I wasn't there. I wish you could have heard me. I was shouting my head off, telling him to let go. Of course, I was ten dimensions away at the time. It was quite a shock to the Kobold I was working for. He nearly forgot to invent the magikal superconductor!"
"That cursed Troll only made it worse when he tried to fix it," Asti said, aggrievedly. "I thought every jewel was going to pop out of its socket."
"Take your dents as hallmarks of your experience," Ersatz said.
"Oh, I suppose you let little nicks in your blade go by, do you?"
"Nicks interfere with my function. I don't see that dents prevented you from causing an unnecessary flood of wine in that forest!"
"Now, now, what do mere appearances have to do with your eternal quest to aid and assist those in danger?" Kelsa asked.
Both of the others rounded on her, united in a common enemy.
"Be quiet!"
"I was only pointing out the obvious!"
"That's all you can do, isn't it? Nothing useful, like cure poison," said Asti.
"Or slay enemies," added Ersatz.
"That's not all there is in life," Kelsa said, imperturbably. That provoked the other two into another tirade.
"They hate each other!" Calypsa wailed. "They will never cooperate, and my grandfather's life will be forfeit!"
"It's worse than that," Tananda said, leaning close to me. "They're causing a buildup of force, right here in the restaurant."
"They're what?" I asked.
"You can almost see it," she said. "I'm not much of a magician, but even I can feel an influx that large. In a minute, there's going to be an explosion if they don't stop drawing in power!"
I put my hands on the tabletop' it was starting to vibrate. Tanda was right. If the Hoard was the source of the disturbance, we were in trouble.
"All right," I said. I turned to the three artifacts, who were bringing up each other's shortcomings dating back at least a thousand years.
"And you predicted that those Imps would create a device so powerful that it would destroy a world!"
"I was right! Three-card monte was the cause of the first decline of the Zoorik economy!"
"What about your poisoning the Gnome Princess on her wedding night?"
"It wasn't poison, you idiot! It was a nerve tonic. So she drank too much. So she fell asleep for three years. What about you…?"
The table-shaking was achieving the proportions of a fraudulent seance. I slammed my hand in between them.
"All right. ALL RIGHT! SHUT UP! KNOCK IT OFF!"
The rafters rang, but it got their attention. The vibration slowed. It didn't cease.
"Why the shouting, friend Aahz?" Ersatz asked mildly. Evidently his beef with me was forgotten.
"Take a look at the atmosphere around us. Magik is piling up in here like dung in a stockyard, and you three have to be the cause. This place can't take it. Can you let the magik out without blowing up the inn?"
Kelsa closed her eyes behind the diamante spectacles. Her face disappeared for a moment, and was replaced by the image of a horrifying explosion that sent a curling fireball into the sky. "Good heavens, this isn't like me!"
"I warned you, Aah2," Ersatz said. "You asked why the Golden Hoard never assembles in any one place for long."
"We'd better get out of here," I said, rising hastily.
"Too late," said Tananda.
She was right. Rumbling began throughout the tent. The ground shook. The pillars holding up the roof started to sway. Around us, the diners held onto their tables. Suddenly, milkshakes began to fountain upward. I got hit by a cold shower of sticky brown liquid. Calypsa disappeared in a hail of fried potatoes. I grabbed a handful of paper towels and sponged cola out of my eyes.
"If you're doing that, stop it," I ordered Asti.
"Good heavens, why do you think it's me?" she asked, innocently. A blob of strawberry milkshake came down with a splat! and landed in her bowl. "Say, that's good! Will your friend give me the recipe?"
I ignored her. The other patrons were regarding us with distrust and concern. One Deveel had thrown himself across his tray to prevent his food from taking off. Sandwiches flew around the room like Frisbees.
"We're going to have to take the food to go, Gus," I called. "Magikal emergency. You know."
"Sure do, Aahz," he said. He turned to load the paper-wrapped food into a white pa
per sack. I slipped some money over the counter and hoisted the bag into my free arm. "Always good to see you guys."
"Same here," I assured him, hustling the others out the door.
"Where are we going?" Asti asked. "We haven't picked up my case yet."
"We'd better get out of Deva," I said. "I have no intention of paying for damages the Deveels dream up if you three cause an explosion in one of the tents." The reason that insurance never caught on here is that the Deveels started to plan fires and disasters to consume unwanted or unsold merchandise and collect substantial loss reimbursement. It would take a master magician or a master strategist to figure out what had actually been in the tents at the time of the catastrophe.
"What about my case?"
"And my scabbard?"
"And my…whatever I'm going to be dressed in?" Kelsa asked.
"Forget about them. We have to get out of here." I was ticked off because my lunch was going to be delayed by three pieces of ancient bric-a-brac who didn't know how to control themselves in public.
Calypsa laid a feathered hand on my arm and opened large dark eyes at me. "We must keep our promises to them, dear Aahz."
"Look around you, sweetheart," I snarled. "This may look like friendly territory, but if the rumor gets out that we're carrying three members of the Hoard around, we're going to run into trouble. None of us has the firepower to deal with a thousand Deveel merchants all wanting to get a piece of us. Come on."
"Oh, no, not back into the rag bag again!" Asti wailed. "I'll have revenge on you…murfle murfle Perfle."
I wound the bag shut and turned to Tanda. "The tent's bespelled against magikal firepower. Let's duck in there. We can figure out where we're going after that."
Chapter 9
"ANYONE HOME?" TANANDA called, as we shut the door of the tent behind us. No one answered her. "I thought Guido and Nunzio were around, but Don Bruce must have them out on a job."
"Just as well," I said.
I didn't feel like saying hello to anyone. I was regretting that I ever got involved with Calypsa and her little mission. Twice while we were crossing the short distance from the Yellow Crescent Inn to our front door, Tananda had signaled me that the magikal buildup was starting again.
I had hustled us past the dragon pen, crowded us to the far side of the street away from the magik mirror shop, and avoided eye contact with a few Deveels I knew who were big noises in the enchanted weapons line. Luckily, they were arguing with an Imp who was trying to sell them a carriage-mounted rail gun he must have lifted from one of the high-technology dimensions. No matter how legendary or magikal, a sword just didn't have the drawing power of ten megatons with computerized three-dimensional targeting.
"Why, it's bigger on the inside…" Calypsa began, staring around her with wide eyes.
"Yeah, yeah," I interrupted her. I plopped Asti onto the table just inside the door and took a quick look around.
It was one of the narrowest and most humble-looking properties on the crowded lane, but the inside was luxurious. I had called it home for a long while.
"Very nice," Kelsa said, once we got her out of her cone of silence. "Quiet, though. Not what I expected."
Inside her globe was an image of the room, but as it had been months ago, with the whole of M.Y.T.H., Inc., running around in there, working on an assignment, checking in with each other, minding each other's business, feeding or avoiding the dragon. You could almost hear the voices' Guido's growl, Nunzio's nasal alto, Skeeve's tenor, Chumley's cultured voice belying the colossal fur mattress it was coming from, my own dulcet speech, and Bunny's high-pitched tones cutting through with a reminder to keep expenses down. I caught myself staring and yanked my gaze away. I had to admit I missed those days, but they were past.
A fountain burbled away in the atrium that was lit by a shaft of sunlight from a magikally warded skylight in the roof. Yes, I said roof. Once beyond the door, we weren't in Deva any longer, and unbound, as I mentioned before, by the square footage suggested by the cloth-and-stick enclosure that was our front door. We were safe here…I hoped.
"Where are we going next?" I asked Calypsa.
"You ought to be going back to Stankel's booth," Asti said. "I'm sure my case is ready by now."
"No. Where's the next treasure?" I asked, paying no attention to the cup. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the cheeks of her cup turning bronze with annoyance. "Any of them here in Deva?"
Calypsa turned to the crystal ball, whose face had already vanished in a swirl of clouds and sparkles. "No, not here," Kelsa said, after a moment's contemplation. "My goodness. There certainly is a lot of magikal interference. I can't get through…yes, I can. Ha, you can't keep me down for long! Aaaah, ooooh, aaaah."
"What are you seeing, Kelsa?" Calypsa asked, running to kneel down beside the table like a swan gliding onto a lake. I shook my head to clear it. The Dance of Fascination must have some residual effect. If I started thinking skinny feathered babes were appealing, then I needed a shrink.
"You see the Purse yet?" I asked. The sooner I could get paid and out of there, the better.
"I can't see Chin-Hwag at all — my guess is that it's not time for us to find her. The Book is keeping himself hidden. Not surprising; he always hated the hustle-bustle of the Hoard.
The Ring is in a dark place. I hear gurgles, like sewer pipes, and music. I haven't got a clue as to what that means. Yet. Give me time, dear. As for the Flute…"
"Where is he?" I asked.
"I see bright lights," Kelsa said, her voice becoming dreamy. "Loud noise — applause. Thousands, no — millions are hanging on the melody. There's such a mood of peace over the entire crowd, even the cutpurses are apologetic. Yes, I see the landmarks. I know the dimension…"
"Well?"
Kelsa's face reappeared in the globe, a Pervect wearing a turban and diamante glasses. She smiled sweetly at me. "…which I'll tell you just as soon as you buy me a lovely earning case. I agree with Calypsa' you should keep your promises to us, you know. It's bad karma otherwise!"
"Careful! I don't want my case touching hers," Asti protested, as I stalked through the streets of Haze, a town in the dimension of Elb.
We were disguised as members of the local species, a narrow-faced, skinny race whose fur came in varying shades of pink, from light shell to shocking neon. Neither Tanda nor I had been here before, so we didn't know if the particular colors indicated status, so I had her deck us out in three different shades. I was the darkest pink, but the others were bright enough to short out my retinas. I swung the purple container to my other shoulder, away from Tananda, feeling as though I was floating through a psychedelic nightmare.
"Well, you don't think I want more contact with you than I can help," Kelsa said, through the isinglass window of her pumpkin-colored tote bag. "Your aura is very confused at the moment. I never noticed that, at several dimensions remove, and believe me, I think I would have preferred you stay at that distance. You're interfering with my reception."
"As if you get anything except hallucinations and infomercials," Asti said, with a skeptical laugh.
"Be silent, the both of you," Ersatz commanded.
His dark blue eyes reflected off the length of blade that could be seen through a convenient hatch that opened in his new scabbard, dyed gunmetal blue and studded with cabo-chon diamonds, which complimented the gems in his golden hilt. It was fancy but not gaudy, and the stones wouldn't notch his blade if he came in contact with them.
"Who died and left you Ka-Khan?"
"I AM the leader of this group!"
I ignored them. My coin purse was a good deal lighter than it had been three hours before. I was in a pretty bad mood over having been railroaded into making two more purchases.
Tananda kept trying to tell me it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Stankel hadn't had to make Kelsa's carrier from scratch, except to put in a window so she could see out. Not that I had let him hear her babble' after a big-eyed appeal from Calypsa,
I took down a list of the crystal ball's yens and put them before the Deveel leather-worker. Stankel had given me a broad wink, as if he got the idea that he was part of a big scheme I was pulling. There were times when having a reputation for shaving the truth close enough for the silk veil test had its advantages. Nor had he had to do more than edit a stock scabbard a little to fit Ersatz's length and breadth, and add a few baubles. We haggled out the price until he was green in the face and I was turning red, but we left the shop with the three required containers. Each of us took one, since the Hoard treasures decided they were entitled to an exclusive bearer apiece. Three of them, three of us. It was no skin off my nose, just one more inconvenience I had to suffer. Ensconced in their new finery, they ceased griping, for at least twenty yards.
Then it began again.
"Friend Aahz, I have just counted the number of gems Asti has adorning her new domicile. I do not wish to be a constant complainer…"
"Then, don't," I said, cutting him off.
The master cutter didn't take the hint. "I think you should have made certain we were equal in all ways."
"You should have said something at the time, then," I said.
"You told me that if I spoke again you would twist me into a knot. And Kelsa you would use as a ball-bearing in a dung-wagon. And Asti you would use as a chamber pot."
"Yeah, yeah," I said, absently. "And I should have, too."
"Is that any way to speak to heroes of history?" Asti asked, putting in her two copper pieces.
"Yes. Where are we going?" I asked Kelsa, for the 45th time.
"What?" she asked, in a dazed voice.
I took the orange case away from Tananda and stuck my face in the little window. "Where…are…we…going…now?"
"Oh, isn't this nice?" she said, the green face spinning dizzily in the globe. "I haven't had as attractive a reticule like this since, oh, two thousand three hundred years ago. Since then, it's been patch, patch, patch! Or sitting on a table under a cloth. I don't mind that, because you're not getting bumped around, actually, but you understand, when you're on the move, it makes all the difference to be really comfortable…!"
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