"A royal wizard," he said, but he didn't sound too impressed. His eyes were pinned on Asti and Payge. "You are strangers! Rich strangers."
"What about it?" I snarled, flexing a claw or two. "Try and take these, and we'll make your lives miserable. Didn't you see how we bested half a dozen of your best men?"
"I did notice…Er, did you not know that to visit this esteemed city of Sri Port, you must pay a visitor tax? You must have a tourist visa to be here!"
"No one sold us one at the gates," I said. That was true, after all.
I could see him making a mental note that the excise officers manning the gates were to be awarded one horse-whipping each, or whatever penalty they used around there. Horunkus curled his upper lip.
"Well, then, I will collect it, so you do not have to go to the trouble of returning to the gate where you entered." He wrote energetically on the electronic tablet in his hands. "Yes. Half a gold piece each, please."
The 'please' was punctuated with a jab from the spears.
"Watch it, buddy!" I snarled. "I can't reach my wallet if you're poking me." I hastily stuffed Asti back in her bag, and tucked Payge under my arm. I tried to be discreet about the contents of my purse, but this Toady must have had some Deveel blood in him. At the chink of coin, he perked up still further.
"You are also carrying goods of more than five gold pieces in value. Those artifacts in your possession are worth more than that, are they not?"
"What if they are?" I asked.
"Please submit an estimate of their current market value." "Why, they are priceless!" Calypsa said. "Do you not know that this is the great sword…"
"Hsst!" I hissed at her. "Ix-nay on the eech-spay!"
Her potion-based language talent struggled for a moment, but enlightenment finally dawned upon her face. "I am so sorry, Aahz!" she said. "I wished but to extol the virtues…"
"Don't extol. Don't talk. They're gold-plated goodies, Horunk," I said. "Street value, about five gold pieces each. The sword's just a letter opener. Nothing special. In the markets of Bupkis, you can find stuff like this in every stall."
"Lying to me will cause the items to be confiscated at once!" Horunkus boomed, as much as an overgrown toad can boom.
"You try and take them," I said, showing all my teeth. The soldiers holding the spears on me backed up a pace.
"You're the ones who are armed," the captain roared at them. "Keep him under guard!"
"I swear on my mother's grave, Horunk, these are junk!" I said.
"Who are you calling junk?" Ersatz boomed.
"Who said that?" the captain demanded, looking around.
"She did," I said, pointing at Tananda. "She's a ventriloquist. She's an entertainer who travels with me to amuse me."
"Take the goods into safe-keeping," Horunkus said. "If they lack value, as you say they do, then they will fail the standard assay test."
"You can't take them!" Calypsa brayed.
"Why not?" Horunkus asked.
"I thought I told you to zip it!" I whispered to her. "Now, captain," I said, my voice at its most silky, "you wouldn't want it getting around that Sri Port's officers rob travelers under the guise of determining the value of the goods they're carrying, do you? That'd dry up your import stream in a matter of weeks."
I didn't think I had come across the only honest politician I had ever met. He had almost certainly been on the edge of doing exactly that. I wanted him to know that I knew, and that unless he locked me and my friends up, we'd certainly spread the word. Horunkus didn't want to be responsible for losing any part of the revenue coming in, if Hylida's description was accurate. Horunkus's warty brow drew down under the ridiculous blond wig.
"Of course we are honest with travelers!" Horunkus protested, a little too readily. "I will estimate the market value myself, then. Five gold pieces each, times five items." The tape rolled up and curled over the top of the tablet. "And you say that they come from this Bum-kiss?"
"Bupkis," I corrected him. "But for you, Bum-kiss is appropriate."
He didn't get the insult. "Then you are also subject to import tax. That is another seventeen percent. Payable on demand." He tapped some more numbers into his machine. "And there will be a transportation tax of four gold pieces each…"
"We walked."
"Hmm. Road use tax. You used the roads, I assume?" He peered at me over the top of his tablet.
"We're magicians! We came in by magik!"
"Right here? To this space?"
"I saw them come through the market," a small Toady said, running up to Horunkus's stirrup. He made a face at me and stuck out my tongue. It was Shagul, the kid Kelsa had pointed out to me. If I could have reached the little brat at that moment, I would have wrung his neck, but two of the soldiers poked me in the neck with their spears. "One of them's a soothsayer! She told me to go and do my homework!"
"I see," Horunkus said, and pursed his mouth. "Well, then, you will need a permit for fortunetelling."
"We're not opening up shop here!"
"But it sounds like you have already delved into other people's business here."
"It was just a passing remark."
"And penalty for humil…I mean, assaulting the guard. Unless you would rather serve time in the Royal Penitentiary instead?"
The guy had absolutely no sense of humor. "Aw, come on, it was just a little rough-housing!"
"Disturbing the peace," Horunkus said, writing more on the tablet in his hands. I was getting more and more torqued off as the strip on the top of the tablet grew longer.
"That comes to a total of thirty gold pieces, eight silver. Payable upon demand." He tore off the strip and handed it to me.
"You're out of your mind," I informed him, looking over the list of charges.
"Insults! Do you wish me to add another penalty, for insulting one of His Lofty Monarch's officers?"
Tananda and Calypsa looked at me. It was hard to argue that he had caught us red, or rather, gold-handed, since we were standing there holding the equivalent of an emperor's annual wages. I could have gotten out of there with the D-hopper, and Tananda had enough magik to travel the dimensions herself, but we would have had to leave Calypsa by herself in the middle of a troop of unfriendlies. As much as the alternative pained me, I couldn't do that. I reached for my wallet. Horunkus's flunky stuck out his palm.
Every coin I had to part with was a death knell to my heart. Every shining little disk seemed to cry out to me, "Don't send me away!" I gritted my teeth, because hesitating seemed to bring me out in a rash of jab marks from the guards' swords. One by one, I counted out the coins. Some of them had been handsomely milled and beautifully struck; others were more timeworn, but precious for their experience in the universe. It was more painful than I could stand.
"That's thirty," the captain said. "Eight silver pieces."
I felt around in my scrip. I had four silver pieces and a handful of coppers. I balanced them in my hand against the one remaining gold piece I had.
"Would you take an IOU?" I asked hopefully.
"I will take cash!"
Very reluctantly, I held out the 31st gold piece. The captain snatched it from me and dumped all the coins into a heavy leather pouch at his saddlebow.
"Thank you, stranger," Horunkus said, signing to his men to lower their spears. "Welcome to Sri Port. I hope you enjoy your stay here."
"Hey, wait a minute, what about my change?"
Horunkus gave me an 'are you out of your mind?' look. "I could add on a 'Questioning the authority of the Majaranarana' tax," he said, smugly.
"That's it," I breathed, my ire rising. This guy was due for a clobbering, no matter what it cost me later.
"Yes, that is it," the nun said, stepping in between us and holding out a minuscule handful of coins. "Here is the mission's tax payment for the week. Thank you, gentlemen." She turned me away from the soldiers and hurried us inside.
"Well, he squeezed us for everything we had," I said, feeling glum.
"I don't like going out without walking-around money," I retorted, peevishly.
"At least the Hoard is safe," Calypsa said. She hugged Ersatz.
"Really, wench," the Sword said, sounding embarrassed.
"Safe for now," I said, with a look over my shoulder at the departing troops. "I doubt that's the end of it. Horunkus is going to go back and report what he saw. I'll bet you my two front teeth that before we get out of here there'll be an attack by 'footpads,' not affiliated with the government, of course. The longer we stay here, the more likely the Hoard's going to be in the Majaranarana's treasury sooner or later."
"We'd better get out of here, then," Tananda said. "This place is indefensible."
"Ah, me," Sister Hylida said. "This never happened when I was at the Abbey of the Shaor Ming. Because we prayed for anyone who needed us, we were never asked for taxes or other fees."
"So nobody is supposed to squeeze the Shaor Ming?" I asked.
"Yes," Hylida said, surprised. "How did you know?"
"Lucky guess," I said. I jingled my wallet grimly. It was too light. I felt like I had just lost my oldest friends — thirty-one of them.
"Well, I would say it's just about time for you to ask Chin-Hwag for your fee," Asti's voice broke into my thoughts.
Her taunting tone was just what it took to raise my dudgeon to its highest setting. I turned to the Purse, cradled protectively in the Abbess's arms. Everyone was watching me. I took in a deep breath, but it whooshed out of me like the air from a punctured balloon. I just couldn't do it, not in the face of the shocking poverty surrounding me. Besides, I wanted to negotiate in private.
"Fee?" The Purse's mouth moved, the drawstrings wagging like skinny mustaches. "I have no objection. If my friend Ersatz has agreed on a fee, I will pay it, but not a dust mote more. How much was it?"
I had a figure in mind, but I wasn't going to announce it until the Sword and I had a chance to confer.
"This job ain't over yet," I said, sidestepping briskly. "You saw what just happened. I don't know how many more expenses I'm going to incur."
The Abbess seemed to read my mind.
"I see. You need to take Chin-Hwag with you. That is fine. I have all that I need. Take her. Now. It is all right."
"But the tax collector just took everything you had," I said. "You're flat broke."
Hylida gave me a serene smile.
"I managed to get along before she was here. I'll get along after she is gone. She has been a wonderful help."
"I have been glad to help one who is a true saint in her time," Chin-Hwag said. "You are so unselfish. Never did you ask for anything for yourself. I feel honored to have been in your service."
Hylida, very moved, came up to touch the Purse.
"You have been a good friend to me and my flock," she said. "Thank you for giving me confidence when my faith was waning."
"Your faith was what made me happy to contribute to your cause," Chin-Hwag said. "I wish more of my proteges were so generous with themselves and their efforts. How often people forget that material things are not what is truly important in this world."
The mutual-admiration society meeting was beginning to get on my nerves. The more the Abbess and the Purse praised each other for selflessness, the stronger the feeling I got that maybe, just maybe, my personal priorities were the ones that needed changing. It's not really like I needed the money. The fact that I didn't have any with me didn't mean I was tapped out, not by a long chalk. It'd been forever since a hundred gold pieces changed the decimal place in my bank account. One thing working with Skeeve had done was to make me and all the other members of M.Y.T.H., Inc. very rich. Not disgustingly, mind-blowingly, fountains of gold rich, but plenty wealthy enough to buy the hotel if the waiter won't mix your drink the way you want it.
Hylida turned her brilliant gaze to me.
"I am sure you will be moderate in your requests of my dear friend. You strike me as a good person, in spite of your bluster. Take good care of her."
"Uh…thanks," I said. I accepted the Purse, who looked up at me skeptically. "We'll do the right thing with her."
"We shall all seek to live up to your example," Ersatz said, dipping his eyes. "Noble lady, I feel enriched for having met you."
"Your name is written in gold in my annals," Payge said. "In future I will advise readers who need a moral lesson to peruse your story."
Buirnie let out a blast that drew attention to him. His personal spotlight set him in the most favorable light. "I'll write a song about you. All royalties will benefit your mission."
"Why, thank you," Hylida said. "That is very generous of you."
I started to say something sarcastic, but Tananda cleared her throat.
"Now, if there's no more interference," Asti said, "I have some people to feed. Do you mind making them all line up?"
Calypsa and I were both champing at the bit to get out, but every time I thought of interrupting Asti's soup line, I found I just couldn't do it. Hungry Toadies came from everywhere to join the line. Whatever the Cup was serving must have been pretty good, because none of them wanted to let go of her even when the bowl was empty.
"All right," the Cup said, faintly, as the last of the Toadies staggered out of the door into the night, replete. "Let's go."
"Right," I said. I glanced down at Chin-Hwag. "You have any special implements, gizmos or containers you need us to pack?"
"No," she said cheerfully. "Just stick me in your knapsack anywhere. Not in your belt. I do not wish to be seen by the locals. It might tempt them too much. They have been good so far. As long as all of them are poor, then no one is above anyone else."
Buirnie let out a whistle of protest. "You deserve something, even a bag."
"Pah. I am already a bag. You don't put a bag in a bag. I don't need anything. I have lived in behind a broken plaster wall for thirty years."
"You can share my satchel," the Book said.
The embroidery rolled in his direction. "That's nice of you, but it doesn't look like there is much room."
"It is kind of snug," the Book agreed. "But I would be honored if you would like to room with me."
"Or me!" Buirnie said. "Why, I have lots of luggage. You can have whatever bag you choose!"
"No, thank you. I think I will fit in Aahz's purse."
"Fine," I said. "Let's just get out of here, all right?" I pulled open my poke and extracted the tax collector's ticket from it. "C'mon."
"Do not touch me with that," Chin-Hwag said, alarmed. "I am allergic to plastic."
"You have an allergy?" I asked in disbelief.
"There was no plastic in the time that I was made. Nor several other modern materials, either. That is why I have been glad to be here in this humble place."
"Suit yourself," I said, tossing the ticket into a trash barrel next to the food preparation area. "Everyone ready?"
A ragged Toady came running into the mission. He collapsed at Hylida's feet.
"The Majaranarana's men are coming back!"
Chapter 20
THE ARMED NEWTS came galumphing into the shabby square.
"There are a lot more of them than before," Tananda said, peering over my shoulder. She was holding Kelsa's bag and Buirnie's case. "We need to bamf out of here ASAP. Calypsa, hurry!"
"You!" Horunkus shouted, spotting me in the doorway. "Halt! Stay where you are!"
I sprang back into the mission, glancing around for Calypsa. She was there, but she'd picked up a few friends. A number of the tax collector's men had sneaked in through the holes in the wall. They surrounded the Walt with lowered spears. Another bunch had rounded up Hylida and her worshipers. Two of the armored Toadies came up to take Tananda by the elbows.
Horunkus swung down from his mount and swaggered over to me. I stuck the purse in my belt to disguise it.
"Nobody open your mouth," I warned them, hoping the Majaran
arana's men hadn't noticed the animated drum stand or the flying light. "Let me do the talking." I gave the captain my most ingratiating smile. "Long time no see! What can we do for you, gentlemen?"
The blond bewigged official puffed himself up.
"I have come to collect the taxes. There are more fees you visitors must pay. Many more fees."
I had just about reached the limit of emotional range I could handle, almost being ashamed of being greedy in the face of the selflessness of this dimension's own Mother Teresa, and having my butt kicked around the block by the Hoard over my shortcomings, on top of already almost emptying my pockets for this blowhard. I leaned toward him, my teeth gritted.
"Forget it," I said. "I've already coughed up enough."
"Then we start confiscating things." He eyed the treasures distributed among us. "I think I'll start with that flute."
"Oh, yeah?" I asked. "Confiscate this!"
I hauled off and socked him in the jaw. Horunkus went flying, but he had brought plenty of backup.
Before I even dropped my fist, I had five hulking Toadies on my back. They were more unwieldy than heavy. I bent my knees and flipped two of them off over my head. They landed on their backs with a crash. Three to go.
Twenty or thirty of Hylida's flock jumped in and started hitting the fallen with bowls, rocks, anything they could pick up.
"Please!" the little Abbess cried, surrounded by four or five newtsmen, who were in turn surrounded by more worshipers trying to get her free. "Violence never solved anything!"
"It's sure a handy timesaver, sister!" I shouted.
I swung in a circle. Two of the Toadies stumbled off. I backed the other three into the wall. Half the plaster crumbled off on their heads. One of them tried pounding on my head. I grabbed his wrist and flipped him overhand. He went sailing through the air.
SPLASH!
The Toady guard landed in the pot of boiling stew.
"Auggh!" he shouted, surfacing. He leaped out and dashed out the door.
"Waste of good food," I commented.
Tananda was engaged in a tug of war. Two teams of Toady guards were pulling at her shoulder bags from either side. She was stretched between them like a prisoner about to be torn apart by wild horses. Buirnie's drummer and lighting guy kicked and battered at the guards trying to steal their boss. The Fife himself was shrieking with fear.
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