by London James
“I am. I’m telling you now, Rowan. Wait, hold on. I don’t regret this. Don’t think that. This isn’t like before. This is me freaking out because I’ve dreamed of marrying you since I was a little girl, and I can’t remember anything! This? This big, fancy ring? I don’t want it if I can’t remember you putting it on my finger. I don’t want it if I can’t remember looking into your eyes and telling you, ‘I do’ because that’s what I dreamed about. I didn’t dream about a one and done, send it to the lawyer, get the inheritance, and call it a day. I didn’t want that. Hell, we had two weeks, we could have used that time to really get to know each other more. To—”
“Get to know each other more? Do you hear yourself? What else is there to know? We’ve known each other for twenty years! You haven’t changed. You’re still the girl that fears commitment. You hate laying on your left side, so when you sleep on your right, you snore. You hate ketchup and love tomatoes. You love staying up late, even if you fall asleep at eleven. You’re stubborn. So stubborn. You fold your shirts inside out, and it drives me fucking crazy. You leave the cap off the toothpaste, and you drink your coffee every morning, two sugars, one cream, but your one cream is really like seven creams. And I love it. And you’re still the girl that likes to run from me when things get hard. Why?”
She shakes her head, wrapping her arms around herself. “Because I know you will wake up one day and realize I’m not worthy of your love. I’m afraid you won’t ever forgive me for what I did all those years ago. I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to live with waking up every day wondering if it will be the day that you end things.”
I sigh, leaning my head against the wall. We are going in circles. Maybe there is nothing here after all. Everything between us is a web of so many memories; maybe that is what we are in love with. Just the memories.
“I don’t know what else I can do to show you I’m in this. Sure, it will take time for us to build a strong relationship, and maybe we went at it backwards, but we’re here. And this is now. We are married. There is nothing that can be done about that.”
“But do you think you could ever really love me like you did?” she asks.
The question takes me by surprise, and I don’t know how to tell her the truth. I love her more now than I did before, but I take too long to answer.
She gets dressed, grabs her stuff, and on her way out she says, “We’ll do what we need to do for the inheritance, and you can do what you want with us then,” she slams the door of the hotel room, shaking the walls from the force.
“Fuck!” I run my fingers through my hair, hating how much she drives me crazy, but loving every damn minute of it. “No, Everly! Everly!” I shout her name as I run out the door. I look left and right, but there is no sign of her. She’s gone. “Damn, damn, damn.” I blink away the frustration and lace my fingers behind my head.
I have no idea where she went. And I have no idea if she has money. How is she going to get home? When I see her again because I will see her, I’m going to tell her that this thing between us is forever. I don’t care how much work it will take because that is what love is, right? Work. We can’t run anymore.
I had plans before all this. Plans that didn’t involve me being married. Plans change, though. I want Everly to be along for the ride. I know a lot of our arguing is emotions built up from over the years finally just spewing out. Even if sometimes they don’t make sense. If someone bottles it up for so long, it’s only a matter of time before things explode, and I have a feeling we are at the tail end of the fury.
Things have erupted between us, broken, fallen, but we are slowly picking ourselves back up and putting it back together. I’m seeing us a puzzle. We just have to get the pieces right in order to fit.
And she and I fit. It is just about finding the right pieces that we thought were lost and putting them in place. I’ll do it forever if I have to.
Chapter 28
Everly
The crowd of black is blinding as much as it is depressing.
When I got back to Spokane, on a commercial plane, they had transported our parents’ bodies, and the funerals were going to be the next day. Well, it’s the next day, and word got around fast because the entire town is here.
Including Liam and Poppy.
I haven’t seen Liam since high school.
“Everly, I’m so sorry to hear about Barbara. She was a good woman. Do you mind me asking what happened?” He lowers his voice as he wraps an arm around his wife Poppy, settling his hand on the round stomach. She is pregnant. Again. If they keep going, they are going to have a soccer team.
I wipe a stray tear from so many emotions and give him a wobbly smile. “They froze to death. She broke her leg, and then they got caught up in a storm.”
Poppy gasps, and her bottom lip starts to wiggle. Her cries are a lot stronger than mine, and it’s my mom that died. “I’m sorry. That’s so terrible. Don’t mind the tears. This pregnancy has been so emotional. I cry at everything. When I see Liam mow the lawn, I cry at all the insects he has killed. Oh god, I’m thinking about it again. Excuse me.” She holds onto her stomach as she runs out of the funeral home.
I giggle.
And giggle.
I giggle until I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying. How the fuck is this my life? How am I burying my mother? Or married to a man that doesn’t actually want me. I’m broke. My name is getting dragged through the mud, and the only career I have in the future seems to be as a receptionist at a tattoo shop.
“Everly, are you okay?’ Liam grabs my arms and tries to meet my eyes. “Okay, hey, you need to slow your breaths. Follow me,” he instructs as he takes a deep breath in and out, in and out.
I nod, watching his chest rise and fall. I match my breaths. It takes a few times, but I finally have it under control. “Thank you.”
“I can’t imagine what you are going through,” he takes my hand. My ring hand. He glances down, and his eyes widen at the large rock.
If he asks, I don’t know what to say. Rowan and I haven’t spoken in two days, and a part of that is because I’ve lost my damn phone. It’s probably in the sex palace we were at the other night. I jerk my hand away and let it fall to my side. “Thank you, Liam. You’re very thoughtful.”
“If you need anything, let me know. I’m here. If you have any troubles sleeping, call me, I’ll send a prescription for it. You look like you need to sleep.”
For days, Liam. For days.
Liam turns around and walks away, leaving me to shake hands with a few other people after they have delivered casseroles. So many casseroles. I had no idea so many existed. There is tuna, obviously, along with broccoli, macaroni, green-bean, mashed potato, French-fry—I’m not looking forward to that—and sweet potato casserole. There is enough food here to feed an army.
It’s a good thing I won’t be here to eat it. I have to head to the airport and catch a flight back to New York City and get on with my life. Those almost-maxed-out credit cards are coming in handy.
I don’t know how I have managed, but Rowan and I have completely ignored each other today. We are acting like children again.
“Everly! Wait up,” Gray shouts from the lobby of Rowan’s childhood home.
I drop my bag by the door and meet his hug. “Gray. A friendly face. How are you?”
“I’m okay. You look like you’ve had better days,” he says.
“Oh, I have.”
“I have good news. I know that isn’t what you want to hear right now, considering the horrible day, but you won. All the debt is getting cleared, along with your criminal record.”
I throw myself at him and wrap my arms around his neck.
“Oh,” he says, shocked. “You’re welcome.”
I pull back and wipe some more tears. I seem to just be leaking from them all day now. My face seems to be raw constantly from the salt. “You have no idea how much this means to me. When will it be cleared? Will I get the money back that she spent?”
/> “Yes, but it won’t be for another month, I’m afraid.”
“I can live another month. That’s not bad. I’ve made it this far. Another month is cake.”
I go to pick up my bag again, but Gray grabs the hand that has the ring on it. “I know what happened, Everly. I know this ring isn’t for show.”
My throat bobs as I swallow. I shrug my shoulders. “It’s okay. Things happen, right?”
“No, Everly. Things just don’t happen to Rowan. He makes things happen. There is a really big difference. I’m worried about him. He loves you. He misses you. You need to talk to him.”
“I don’t know how. I’ve messed things up. I don’t even know how I did it—again. That’s all I’m good for, Gray. I mess things up.”
“Don’t give up on him.”
I pick my bag up and look over my shoulder before I leave, not saying another word. It’s hard to move on when I can’t seem put one foot in front of the other. I have one foot stuck in the past and the other stuck in the present, and the common denominator is Rowan. It’s always Rowan.
I toss the bag in the taxi and feel eyes burning into me again. It feels familiar, like four years ago when we came here and found out our parents were married. I turn around and glance up to the second story window to the right. My breath catches.
It’s Rowan.
I want nothing more than to run inside and throw myself at him, but at this point, I know I’m not good for him. He deserves better. It kills me to turn my back on him, again, but I’ll do what I need to do for him. I’ll stay married to him and sign the paperwork when he sends it to me to get divorced. It’s the least I can do. Even if it will kill me to do it.
He looks different. It’s only been a day or so since I’ve really looked at him, but he looks tired, his hair is a mess, and his beard is thick from not shaving. He looks good with an unruly beard. He is even wearing an old band t-shirt now that the funeral is over. It has holes near the collar, and the words are faded, but he still makes it look good.
He can make anything look good.
This time, instead of him turning around, I do. I put one leg in the car, slide on the leather seat, and slam the door. “Airport, please,” I tell the taxi driver.
We pull out of the driveway, leaving the huge estate in the rear-view. I don’t look back. I don’t bother wiping the tears. I deserve to feel every single one of them drip off my face. I stare at the ring, the one I refuse to take off, and my heart breaks. I miss him so much. I just want to tell him that being married is enough. I don’t care how we did it. I don’t care why. All I care about is us. We can make memories for the rest of our lives.
I finally had the man of my dreams, and I ruined it by opening my mouth. I lean my head back against the seat and stare out the window, watching the Douglas Firs pass by as the taxi speeds to the airport. Every mile that I put between Rowan and I feels wrong, but I don’t know what else to do.
Talk to him? We don’t know how to talk to each other anymore. We always fight. Maybe a few days away will be good. We did come crashing together for the first time in years, and it was really exciting. Maybe the excitement came falling down. We are different people on some levels, not all, and spending all that time together, in the short of amount of time, would be bad for anyone.
The tires squeal when we pull up to the airport, and the driver parks. I sigh as I pick up my luggage out of the trunk and walk inside. A gush of heat hits me in the face, drying my tears quickly. I grab my ticket, go through security, and walk to my gate. I don’t want to go back, but I have to. I owe the tattoo shop that much, and I need to catch Blaire up on everything.
She has probably called my phone twenty times.
When I board the plane, my stomach turns, and I gag from the smell of the cabin. I hate flying. People are shoved into a tight space, they burp, cough, and do who knows what else, and the idea of inhaling that stuff makes me want to vomit.
I try and calm myself, but for the entire plane ride back to New York City, I’m on the verge of puking. I run off the plane with my bag and burst through the automatic doors like I’ve just run a marathon. Of course, the airport could be considered its own sport if they tried it because sometimes even just walking gate to gate is exhausting.
I catch another taxi, and before I know it, I’m at my apartment complex, fishing out my keys and unlocking the door.
“Hey!” Blaire greets me, running to the door to take my bag out of my arms. “Oh, babe. Come here.” She pulls me into a tight hug. The love I’m getting from my best friend is all I need.
I let go.
I let go of everything and cry as hard as I can. I don’t have to pretend with Blaire. She understands. And when she doesn’t, she acts like she does because she never wants anyone to feel bad.
“It’s okay. Let it all out,” she croons.
But the smell of her infiltrates my sensitive stomach, and I push her out of the way and run toward the bathroom. I barely lift the toilet seat before I’m tossing up my lunch. I groan. My forehead feels hot, and my back starts to sweat. Gross. Maybe I just need to shower and get all the traveling off me.
“Are you okay?”
“It’s just been stressful. I’m fine,” I say.
“What the ever-loving fuck is on your finger?” she gasps, grasping my hand hard to turn it left and right so the diamond can capture all angles of the light. “Is that an engagement ring?”
“Close. It’s a wedding ring.”
The look on her face would be comical if it wasn’t for the seriousness of my statement. “No, really. Where did you get that, Everly?”
“A filthy rich billionaire that I married in Vegas because our parents left a will saying we had to marry someone in thirty days, and one of us has to live at the estate to take care of it for six months. Instead of finding people to marry, we married each other.”
“I’m assuming since you are here and he isn’t, it didn’t go over real well.”
“When does it ever? It’s me. Apparently, I don’t know how to talk to people. And I never know how to talk with Rowan.”
“He loves you, Everly.”
I shake my head. “I don’t doubt that, but I think he is in love with what we used to be, how we used to be, the memories. Things like that.”
“Are you?” she asks.
“No. I love him so much it hurts. He has my heart.”
“Then why are you assuming you know what he wants. You know you love him. You know you’d do anything for him, but instead, you are looking for reasons for him not to love you like you do him. That’s not fair. Sure, what you did all those years ago sucked. You should have gone about it a different way, but you meant well. Now, look at him. He is a millionaire—”
“—Billionaire,” I correct her with a smile on my face.
She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Same thing. Money is money. I don’t think he would have all that if you didn’t leave him that day. Is there a possibility? Sure. But we can’t live life off what-ifs. That’s no good. Life will never be fulfilled if it’s lived that way. I think it took him a while to get over what you did, but he is over it, the only person that isn’t, is you.”
I put my head over the toilet when a wave of nausea hits me again from her being right. “I know. I’m so afraid he is going to wake up one day and realize that he doesn’t love me as much as he thought.”
“What else does he need to do? He has loved you since you guys could throw mud at each other. He held you when you got chickenpox, and then he ended up getting chickenpox because he didn’t want you to be alone. He wanted to change his life when you guys finally got together. What about you?”
I wipe my mouth with some toilet paper. “What do you mean?”
“What would you change or give up for him?”
“Everything,” I whisper.
“I have no idea what the hell you are doing here, then. Rent is paid. Andy will find another receptionist. Your husband is in Spokane. That’s where you shoul
d be. Marriage is about making it work when you think it can’t. You have to push, Everly. You have to push through the worst of it and get through it. And then it will happen all over again, except, it will be worse again. And worse. But you have to keep finding ways to get through it, or you will never get through anything.”
“You’re right,” I say.
“I know.” She nods, huffing breath on her nails and rubbing them on her shirt. “If you are staying for me, don’t. I’m fine here. I’ll be okay. I always am.”
“That’s a lie. You hate being alone.”
“If I need a change of scenery, I know I can always go back home. I’ll just stay with you in your big fancy mansion.”
“If I can convince him. Oh, god, I think I’m going to be sick again,” I gag over the toilet, wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
“You’re probably pregnant,” Blaire says, laughing because it is supposed to be a joke.
I wipe my mouth with toilet paper again and toss it in the trash, wondering if she is right.
“No, Everly!” she gasps. “You had sex, and you didn’t wear a condom?” Blaire chides.
“It was Rowan,” I say, as if that is reason enough not to wear protection. “I’m on the pill, too.”
“That still has a chance of failing. And because it is Rowan, I bet you’re knocked up. Let me go get a pregnancy test.”
“It won’t show. It hasn’t been that long.”
“How long has it been?”
I don’t say anything.
“How long, Everly?”
“T-three weeks or so,” I finally admit.
“Get your ass up then because we are going to the doctor and getting blood work taken. If you are, you are getting back on that plane and telling him. He deserves to know.”