If this was a ploy for me to carry the rucksack she had no chance. Unusually, I wasn’t immediately overcome by the noxious aroma of sick, which would normally have me gagging immediately. All my nostrils detected was the very strong scent of mint.
Penelope was starting to murmur faintly.
‘It’s the cake, it’s the cake.’
Penelope had only decided to stuff five bars of Kendal Mint Cake into her system before setting off this morning. Apparently this was to provide her with more energy to walk the miles. There was no way we were walking anywhere today with all that stuffed inside her. Luckily for her, Rupert was driving down the main road in his bubble car – you could spot him a mile off but I decided it was probably best not to mention this to Penelope as she had made him buy a car that she thought was inconspicuous.
He spotted Penelope on the floor – let’s face it you couldn’t miss her – dressed in her minus temperatures coat, with her rucksack strapped to her back. He stopped the car and bundled her into the passenger seat and drove her home. I politely refused a lift, plugged in my headphones and went on my merry way, being careful to avoid stepping in her vomit. I had a lovely walk all by myself, just the way I like it.
After a couple of hours I returned home to discover a bunch of flowers on my doorstep. The flowers looked a little more alive than the weeds I had previously received from Penelope. I glanced at the card and found that they were sent by Rupert. I plonked myself down on the step, untied my boots and wondered why the heck he was sending me flowers. I read the card.
I’m so sorry for the mess on Saturday night and for everything else. Rupert x
Two things immediately crossed my mind. Did Penelope know he had sent me flowers and what would Matt think? I wasn’t even sure what I thought. Maybe they had both sent the flowers but then the words ‘I’m’ and ‘Rupert’ did suggest he was working alone.
The flowers were pretty enough to deserve a vase and water so I placed them on the kitchen table. Matt arrived home from work and didn’t even notice them, moving the vase to one side while he ate his tea – which immediately took care of the conversation about where the flowers had come from. I decided not to mention them to Penelope unless she did first and I would just thank Rupert discreetly next time I saw him, more than likely on Saturday night!
For the past week Matilda and Daisy had been booked into the local nursery whilst the training sessions became a little more intense. They were enjoying their time integrating with other little people who hopefully they would become friends with.
The next morning’s training session was free of Kendal Mint Cake and road-kill hats. It amused me that we didn’t go for walks any more, we went on training sessions! We were walking the same routes and everything else was the same except for the bright pink fluorescent rucksack that she carried on her back. In the shop, Penelope had chosen the bright pink one so she would be easy to spot by helicopter on the side of the mountain if she needed to be rescued. If it made her feel more important thinking she was on a training session rather than on a walk who was I to argue?
Penelope seemed a little giddy. She had news. Penelope was delighted to finally be giving up her afternoon child-minding duties to be employed by Camilla Noland. ‘Can you believe it? I’ve got a new job, who’d of thought? I’m going to be Camilla’s internal domestic environmental status executive,’ Penelope gushed with excitement.
Staring up at Penelope in disbelief, no, in fact I couldn’t believe it one little bit.
In simple terms, Penelope was going to be Camilla Noland’s cleaner.
I thought this was unbelievable, not because Penelope wasn’t capable of cleaning Camilla’s house but because Camilla had had an affair with Penelope’s husband. Maybe she felt guilty about the whole affair but then I didn’t believe that for a moment – you need a conscience to feel guilt and it appeared she had no conscience at all.
It was incredible; Penelope had agreed to be employed by the woman who had spread the gossip about Rupert’s affair with Annie around the village. This was also the woman whom Penelope had spent a great deal of time slagging off during our walks and the woman who took advantage of her child-minding time while she entertained Penelope’s husband in the back of her horsebox. Maybe it was a match made in heaven.
Her employment was due to commence on the first Monday in September when the long summer holidays were over and the children returned to school. At this time the only advice I could offer to Penelope would be to stock up on nit lotion as I was sure her hair would be crawling by the end of her first week. My other advice would have been to keep her husband away from Camilla but it was way too late for that. I wonder what Rupert thought of it all? He’d had a lucky escape from making up the foursome with Elvis and Camilla but now his wife was off to work for his ex-mistress. What happens when it all goes pear-shaped or comes out in the wash?
It was now just over a month until we climbed the mountain and Penelope kept bursting into song, singing ‘Ain’t no mountain high enough,’ every two minutes.
I wished she would burst a blood vessel otherwise she would be doing a forward roll down that mountain in a few weeks if she didn’t shut up. I left the booking of the hotel in Penelope’s capable hands – she took care of all the arrangements and all I had to do was drive us there.
Initially, I thought I had the better deal, before it dawned on me that she only had to click on a few websites and make a couple of phone calls. I, on the other hand, had to drive for hours while she sat back for the entire journey and talked about Little Jonny or herself for a change. Actually that would be a bit of a change as lately it had all been about her new position of Internal Domestic Environmental Status Executive and Camilla Noland.
Nine
September
Penelope began working for Camilla as planned at the beginning of September. It seemed the pair of them became inseparable overnight and it felt like my friendship with Penelope was disposed of instantly; I was replaced by what Penelope thought was a more upper class model. Penelope was Camilla Noland’s lackey on the minimum wage. I wasn’t upset by her sudden change in loyalties; I still had a seat reserved for her on the bus. It was unlikely she would now pass the seven-year rule of friendship and we would be lucky to make it to one year at this rate.
Camilla’s seven-seater Land Rover had always taken up two car parking spaces outside the school gates but now she edged up further, sharing the prime position outside the school with Penelope. I was a little confused and upset by Penelope’s actions; had she forgotten we were climbing a mountain together in a few weeks? I spoke to Fay about my concerns but she reiterated that trying to understand what went on in someone else’s brain would be a challenge on its own but trying to avoid getting lost in the vast empty space that occupied Penelope’s head would be damn near impossible.
In the playground, I carried on standing where I had always stood, saying ‘Hello’ to whoever passed me by. The next morning the spectacle in the playground cheered me up no end. Penelope arrived dressed in exactly the same horsey gear as Camilla. To my knowledge Penelope didn’t even like horses. It looked like she was dressed in extremely tight jodhpurs. I had to look twice. Yep, Penelope was definitely wearing jodhpurs.
As she set off walking down the playground my eyes were transfixed on her backside – I couldn’t help staring. As she walked it looked as though there were two small puppies having a fight in a sack as her backside jiggled up and down.
There was a silver lining to this cloud; Matt and I had been completely dropped from Saturday nights because Penelope and Rupert were now spending all their time at Camilla’s house. I pictured the three of them sitting cosily in the garden sharing a bottle of wine until I remembered there was no garden, she had no land. It seemed Penelope was incapable of having more than one friend, Imogen had been right all along. When she thought someone better had come along she put all her energy into that new person. Unfortunately for her, this new person had already entertained
her husband on numerous occasions. Rupert had spent plenty of time in the garden she did own.
At this point we were still walking every morning even though I had to venture over to the ‘dark side’ of the playground to catch up with Penelope. Botox Bernie was a neighbour of theirs on that side of the playground and had teamed up with Imogen of late to become the best of buddies. I could imagine the two of them shoplifting together and when they got caught they could share a cell with Botox Bernie’s husband. BB – Botox Bernie – had been getting thinner and thinner over the past few months and had also become less vocal. It was hardly surprising; the local newspaper had recently reported that her husband had been sent down for a short stay at the big house for fraud. She was a fraud herself with all her hooky designer gear and her fake boobs. I liked my usual quiet spot on the playground and didn’t want any of these mothers as neighbours.
The hotel for the climbing weekend away had already been booked and paid for, so I gritted my teeth and carried on with the training, which was really hard work. The training itself wasn’t hard work; the hard part was listening to Penelope singing Camilla’s praises every two minutes. It was amazing how she could spend months slating her but now Camilla was paying her the minimum wage to clean her house she was suddenly her new best mate. Jealous? No chance, I just needed this climb to be over. I just wanted out of this friendship. Where was the genie in the lamp when you needed him? My wish was about to be granted.
Every morning Penelope walked off the playground with Camilla but waited for me by the front gate. Penelope always left her car parked outside the school and drove home after the training session. I was fed up now, this morning walking lark was becoming a chore. The conversation was tiresome; the whole situation was tiresome. One morning, I had just set off with Penelope when we heard a voice shouting my name. I glanced behind to find Wendy Barthorpe waving her hands frantically in my direction, clearly trying to flag me down. I looked at Penelope and she looked at me. I wasn’t quite sure what to do but I waited in anticipation for Wendy to approach us and speak. Penelope just glared at me. I knew exactly what Wendy was going to say but had no idea how Penelope would react. As Wendy sauntered up to us her eyes fell upon Penelope’s new horsey clobber. I have to admit I was with Wendy on this one, as she coughed to disguise her laughter at the sight of the puppies fighting in the sack in Penelope’s tight jodhpurs.
Wendy’s own weight loss was incredible, she had shed pounds recently without the effort of walking; she too had been on the divorce diet. I’m not sure if I’d suggested this diet to Penelope before or whether I’d just thought it. I could feel Penelope’s eyes burning in the side of my face.
Wendy only wanted to confirm that I had received a party invitation for one of my children from one of hers. This was something I hadn’t intended to mention to Penelope but there was no getting out of it now. After I confirmed in front of them both that Eva could make the party, Wendy smiled and thanked me politely then went on her way. Turning around towards Penelope I waited for the backlash, but she was no longer at my side. I spotted her stomping off in the distance, no doubt in a rage.
Powering my legs I put on a spurt and sprinted in her direction. I caught Penelope up quite quickly and I think it was safe to say that she was fuming, so livid in fact you could almost see the steam coming out of her ears. She looked more amusing than any cartoon character I had ever seen.
‘Whatever is the matter?’ I enquired.
I wasn’t exactly sure what the problem was but had concluded she was maybe a little annoyed that one of my children was visiting Wendy’s house for a party.
‘How could you send your child round there?’ she demanded. ‘I thought you were my friend?’ she continued.
You’d have thought I was sending my child off to the child-catcher rather than a child’s birthday party at Wendy’s house. I had been on the receiving end of Penelope’s jealous streak before. The million text messages flashed back through my mind – the ones I’d received when I landed my new job. Thank God I was standing next to her otherwise there was a possibility she may have crashed the whole mobile network system by now. As far as I was concerned I hadn’t done anything wrong but I was willing to listen to Penelope’s side of the story, not that I was quite sure what the whole story was. We started walking and Penelope starting talking; actually more like blubbering and whining than talking.
‘How could you? How could you? You know what Wendy has done to my family.’
As far as I was aware, Wendy and I were about the only people in the village who had not played any sort of poker games with Rupert. If I was Penelope, I would have probably tried to hold on to both our friendships.
‘She is still friends with Annie, how could you send your child to her house? You’re unbelievable.’
I’m unbelievable!
What did it have to do with me if Wendy was still friends with Annie? I didn’t see the logic but I let her carry on.
Over the course of the next hour I received a full character assassination from Penelope. She began by telling me that Wendy Barthorpe detested the ground I walked on. Apparently, she really hated me.
‘Wendy can’t stand the way you talk with your funny accent. She can’t stand the way you put your hair in a side pony tail, she thinks you are way too old for that. She can’t stand you full stop.’
I had often wondered myself whether I was getting too old for a side pony but sod it, now I was going to wear one much more often.
This was just what I needed – an hour’s walk listening to a so-called friend describing in great detail why someone detests you. Penelope seemed to take some delight from passing all this information on to me. I wasn’t exactly sure why I needed to hear it – or even know it. I wasn’t impressed with Penelope. I thought she was calculating and cruel and there was no need for any of it. She kept going on and on and on.
By the end of the walk I was completely drained and deflated. I know our walks were never what I would describe as ‘jolly’ but usually it was only the monotone soundtrack of self-indulgent waffle that left me wanting to slit my wrists. On this occasion, if our walk would have taken us anywhere near the coast, I could have easily carried on walking straight off the top of a cliff.
Surely Wendy couldn’t hate me that much? After all she had invited my child to a party. I left Penelope at her car that was parked outside the school gates and strolled off without saying goodbye. As I wandered towards home I tried to figure out how something as innocuous as a pony tail could have caused someone to have such a negative opinion of me. I put the key in my front door, closed it behind me, sat at the bottom of my stairs and cried.
Penelope was merciless. I couldn’t believe how deliberately vindictive she had been, causing me this pain and distress. By my reckoning we are only on this planet for an average of seventy years so what’s the point wasting time on people you don’t really want or need in your lives? If Penelope couldn’t see what I had done for her in the last nine months, what more was there to say? I had been discreet about Rupert’s affairs while her new best friend was the one who had spread it around the village in the first place – after taking advantage herself of what Rupert had to offer. I had been walking in sub-zero temperatures to help her lose weight, I had put up with her constant drivel about Little Jonny – and lack of drivel regarding Annabel. I had also listened to her constantly slating Imogen, Wendy, Annie and Camilla, but the thing that riled me most was that I had given up Saturday nights with my family to support her, as she was incapable of spending any time with her own family. What exactly was I gaining from this relationship? Absolutely nothing. I made a decision there and then, this was to be the last day I walked with Penelope.
The next morning in the playground was really difficult for me. I stood by myself trying to hold my head high and gave my side pony tail the occasional swing from side to side as a metaphorical two-fingered salute to anyone who thought I was too old to wear it. I spoke to no-one and I looked at no-one.
I was there for one reason and one reason only – to drop my children at school. These mothers weren’t my friends, these mothers were full of their own self-importance and they used their kids to score points in the popularity war of the playground. I asked myself a question.
‘Would these people be my friends if I didn’t have kids at the school?’
The answer was loud and clear. ‘No!’
However, one problem lay ahead of me – the weekend away for the mountain climb. This was something I wasn’t looking forward. Airing my concerns to Matt he was extremely sympathetic but he also knew I was a person who didn’t like confrontation. He suggested I still go ahead with the climb, that way there would be no major falling-outs with Penelope. After thinking for several hours I decided Matt was right, I needed to remember that living in a small village and with children at the same school I was more than likely going to bump into Penelope on a daily basis and if we were still on speaking terms that would be more comfortable than the current situation with Imogen, who was in fact still ignoring me and I didn’t want that. The best thing to do was to go ahead with the climb. The weekend could prove there was no hard feelings and afterwards I would leave Penelope to drift away to her new BFF, without any major fallout – assuming she didn’t accidently drift off the summit of the mountain in the meantime!
That week in the playground was pretty uncomfortable to say the least. I could see Imogen smirking in my direction as if to say ‘That didn’t last long’ now Penelope was standing with Camilla. BB had the audacity to invade my spot on the yard in a clear attempt to extract the gossip from me; she too was trying to discover why Penelope had suddenly switched to the other side of the playground. If there was any good to come out of this situation at all, it was the fact that Camilla Noland had been reminded that she had a daughter.
In their divorce settlement, Camilla and the farrier were fighting it out in court. He put up a good case to win sole custody of their daughter Rosie but unfortunately Camilla was driven by the financial gain of monthly child benefit. She won the battle and was now solely responsible for picking Rosie up from school each day.
A Year in the Life of a Playground Mother: A laugh-out-loud funny novel about life at the School Gates (A School Gates Comedy Book 1) Page 19