But despite my caution, I was also thrilled at the prospect. Maybe I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling for him.
“I can take you grocery shopping, then we can visit with Lucas, and then we can hang out.”
“You don’t have—”
“I want to. Besides, you can get more in my truck than you can taking the bus.”
He had a point, and for the life of me, I couldn’t come up with a counterargument. “Okay. Let me grab a quick shower, then we can head out.”
The grin that spread across his face lit me up inside, like I had given him the best gift when in fact, he was giving me one.
I crawled across him, pausing to lie across him, chest to chest. He wrapped his arms around me and held me in place. I leaned into him until the tips of our noses touched and said, “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Everything.” And I meant more than just the ride to the store. I meant the night before, the patience he showed during my meltdown, and the way he took care of me. I leaned in further until our lips touched and kissed him, hoping to put everything I meant and everything that I was feeling into that one simple act.
He kissed me back as if he understood.
We made a stop at Adam’s place first. He hadn’t brought a change of clothes with him the night before and wanted to get a shower and changed.
I felt out of place the moment we walked into the condo. A sprawling, three-bedroom affair with the kitchen and dining room to the right of the entrance and living room to the left. A hall led to two bedrooms off the left and a bedroom and bathroom on the right. The condo was massive, especially when I compared it to the studio I lived in.
My old doubts and insecurities immediately wormed their way into my brain. What was I doing there? What did Adam see in me that he would want to spend time with me, to bring me along when he had all of this? What could I possibly have to offer to him that he didn’t already have?
Why me?
Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Adam tossed his keys onto the dining room table and went to the refrigerator. He pulled a bottle of water out. “Want anything?”
It took a moment to find my voice. “Water’s fine.”
He pulled another bottle out and stepped up to me, handing me the bottle. Twisting the cap on his, he took a long pull and swallowed. “Just gonna be a minute. You can hang out here, or, my room’s at the end on the right. You can wait for me there.”
I glanced at the black leather couch. “I’ll just wait here.”
He took another drink from the bottle. “Okay.”
I took a seat on the couch as he walked down the hall.
The condo was tastefully decorated, in primarily blacks and whites. Both the couch and recliner were covered in the same black leather. The entertainment center, also black, took up one entire wall opposite the couch and recliner. The place gave off a very masculine vibe, and yet it didn’t seem to fit what I knew about Adam.
I heard keys in the entry lock, and a quick surge of panic coursed through me. Ryan walked in, looking fresh from a jog and seemingly unaware of my presence. He closed the door behind him and stepped into the dining room. It was only then that he saw me. He blinked once, twice, before saying, “David?”
I tried to smile at him, but I’m sure my embarrassment showed through. “Hey, Ryan.”
He tossed his keys onto the table, next to his brother’s. “What’re you doing here?”
I glanced back down the hall in the direction of the bathroom. I could hear the water from the shower. “Adam’s showering, then we’re going to run some errands.”
He blinked again, like he was trying to process.
“I can wait for him in his room if you’d like,” I said as I stood.
He waved me off saying, “No, no. It’s fine.”
Slowly, I sat back onto the couch.
“I wanted to talk to you anyway, and now seems like as good a time as any.”
Oh crap! This can’t be good.
He came over and sat at the other end of the couch from me. “It’s good to see you.”
I glanced down at my knees, nerves getting the better of me. “Thanks, you too.”
“So…um…I wanted to thank you.”
That was unexpected.
“Thank me? I don’t know what you mean.”
“No, you probably don’t. For Adam. I want to thank you for what you’re doing for Adam.”
I was completely confused. “I haven’t done anything for Adam, really. He’s actually done more for me.” More than I deserve.
“No, I think you’re wrong. You just don’t see it.” Then he sighed. “Adam’s always been…protective when it came to me.”
I nodded. I was already aware of that. Adam had told me himself.
“Sometimes, I wondered if maybe that wasn’t to his own detriment. I mean, I appreciated it, but he spent so much time looking out for me that I wondered what he did for himself. Honestly, there was a part of me that was happy when he joined the Marines. Not because I wanted him gone or in any danger, but because he was finally doing something for himself. But then he came home, and not long after that, Lucas got sick. And Adam was back to doing what he always did, looking out for me. I know it wears on him. And the last thing I ever wanted was for him to make his life a second priority over mine. But I think it’s second nature to him, almost instinctual, like breathing.”
I could understand what he was saying. I too had seen that protective side to Adam. And, if I were being honest with myself, it frightened me. I never wanted to become too dependent on that side of him. Becoming reliant on someone else meant that you were left floundering when they finally left. I also didn’t want that to be the basis for whatever relationship he and I were developing.
“But then he met you,” Ryan continued. “And, yes, that protective side is still there, sometimes overly so. But he’s also happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen him. He talks about you constantly, and I’m actually surprised it’s taken him this long to bring you around.”
I felt my face warm. Adam talked about me? To his brother?
“If I’m being honest, that’s probably my fault.”
“How so?”
“I’ve just been…nervous.”
“To meet the boyfriend’s family.”
That word, boyfriend, ricocheted through my brain. Was that what we were? Sure, we talked a lot, texted even more, had been out on a few dates, and the previous night had been nothing short of incredible. We had yet to define what it was we were doing, and somehow, I felt that I was the one responsible for that. Adam had been nothing but patient and understanding with me, never holding back unless he sensed I needed him to. But boyfriends? I mentally tried the word on, awareness slowly creeping up to me that we fit the very definition.
Adam was my boyfriend. The dawning realization terrified me and made me giddy at the same time. Somehow, through all of the mess that my life had become, someone had taken the time to tunnel through, and I was more than glad that it was Adam.
“He’s never really been in a relationship, ” Ryan continued. “At least, none that I’m aware of. He spent so much time looking out for me that I think he kind of forgot to take care of himself.”
Without even being aware, a smile crept across my face. I was aware of Adam’s need to protect his brother, but for Ryan to admit it made it all the more real. I could feel the love and admiration Ryan had for his brother, along with his desire for Adam to be happy. Ryan saw my smile, and gave me one of his own.
“He’ll make mistakes. But I know my brother. He has a good heart, and when he cares for someone, he’d do anything in his power for them.”
That much I had already seen. Beyond his offer for today, he had shown me incredible patience and understanding. He never rushed me, but I was always aware that he was there.
“Listen, you have nothing to be nervous about. If he weren’t happy, that would be an entirely different story. But the fact is, he is happy. You make h
im happy. So, I just wanted to say thank you.”
I blushed again, unused to having someone say those kinds of things to me.
By then, I could hear the shower turn off in the distance. Apparently, Ryan heard it as well because he patted my leg as he stood. “I’m gonna jump into the shower now that he’s done. I’m gross.”
He made his way toward the hallway and paused. Turning to me, he said, “David, you’re always welcome here. I hope you know that.”
I favored him with a smile, although I knew it was weak. With that, he continued down the hall to what I presumed to be his room.
I sat on the couch and my head began to spin. Questions jumbled inside, all wanting answers. Ryan’s reaction to my invasion of his home had not been expected. Nor was the conversation, albeit one-sided, that we had just had. The last thing I had expected from him was a show of kindness, although I don’t know why. He hadn’t but nice to me before. He had enough going on in his life with his son that the last thing he had needed to do was worry about the comfort of a virtual stranger. And yet there he had been, not only offering words of advice in regard to Adam, but also showing support for the relationship his brother and I had started to develop.
I had never seen myself as boyfriend material. I was too fucked up with too much baggage. What would anyone see in me? But, as I allowed my thoughts to drift, I realized that Adam did see something. What, I couldn’t say. I tried to see myself the way I thought he saw me, and came up empty.
Loneliness had become a second skin to me, an armor against the hurt that I knew firsthand could be inflicted by people. I had spent years fortifying that armor and thought it was impenetrable. And yet, Adam had found a chink in that armor, and whether he knew it or not, he had found his way in. He had come to mean a great deal to me within those past few weeks. I hadn’t realized how much until the conversation with Ryan. I thought about him constantly. I thoroughly enjoyed the time we spent with each other, either on the phone or in person. He showed me in ways that I had never been shown before that he truly cared for me. And that notion alone terrified and confused me.
Footsteps from behind me pulled me from my thoughts. I turned as Adam strode down the hall in my direction, dressed in a graphic T and black jeans, one end of a towel draped over his shoulder as he used the other end to dry his still-wet hair.
Something bloomed inside me, unfamiliar and warm, and wrapped me in a cocoon, not unlike my armor. But where my armor had been dark and heavy, this was bright and light. That warmth spread the closer he got to me. I knew that I had felt dead inside, simply going through life one day at a time without actually living. Being with Adam made me want to live.
He dropped the end of the towel he’d been holding, and gave me a look of curiosity. I stood from the couch and met him halfway into the living room.
“Did I hear Ryan?”
“You did,” I said, as I draped my arms over his shoulders, feeling the dampness of the towel as it soaked through my shirt.
His eyes narrowed. “You look funny. You okay? Did he say something?”
I grinned, and that time, I felt it to my very core. I hoped he felt it too. “Yeah. I am,” I said, as I leaned in and kissed him. I wasn’t good at expressing myself with words, they often got me into trouble when I was younger. So I tried to pour everything that I was thinking, everything that I was feeling, into that one kiss. I wanted him to know my thoughts and feelings even if I couldn’t say them, and I prayed he got the message.
STANDING IN THE HALLWAY OF my brother’s condo kissing David should have felt awkward. In fact, it felt the opposite. For the first time since we met, I felt David lower the walls he had surrounded himself with and let me in. David was kissing me. In virtually all of our contact, I had been the one to make the first move, and I was fine with that. I knew that there had been something holding David back, some fear or hurt or event that I didn’t know about that prevented him from letting people get close to him. What I did get to see drew me to him, made me want to know more of him, to sooth him in ways I was certain no one had ever done for him.
The kiss wasn’t hungry or sexual. It felt more like a release, like the cork being taking out of a bottle of wine. Emotions poured through me from the contact of our lips. Feelings I hadn’t had before coursed through me, beyond protection and caring. Something took root in my soul, and began to bloom. I had no idea what it was, and, if I were being honest with myself, it should have scared the hell out of me, but it didn’t. It felt safe and warm.
I wrapped one arm around his waist, and placed the other hand at the back of his neck, as much for support as to hold him to me. I couldn’t get enough as I relaxed into the kiss. I don’t know how long we stood in the hall, lips pressed together, connected mouth to foot. Time seemed to stop and everything else fell away except for us.
Mine, ricocheted through my brain, and I had no idea why. I had never been a possessive type of person, but when it came to David, I wanted nothing more. I wanted him to know that he belonged with me and to me, and God help anyone that ever hurt him again.
Finally, we stopped. I’m not sure which of us pulled away first, but I immediately missed the contact. As if sensing that, David leaned his head into my chest, as if he were listening to my heart, and I heard a contented sigh escape him. I wrapped both arms around him, and pulled him to me, holding him in place as tightly as I could. I wanted to live in this space forever, his head to my chest, the taste of his lips still on mine.
“Jesus, you have a room you know,” came from behind me. I turned slightly to see Ryan standing at the door to the bathroom, with a shit-eating grin plastered across his face.
“What did you do?” I mouthed. I knew he was somehow responsible for this.
His grin widened, and he mouthed, “You’re welcome.”
Then the bastard sauntered into the bathroom and closed the door.
The spell was broken, but I could still feel its effects, and I suspected David could too. I kissed the top of his head. “Let me finish, and we can get out of here.”
I turned and headed to my room. I knew inviting him into my room would be a big step for him. I didn’t want him to feel intimidated or as if there was an expectation of anything happening in there. But he followed, and my heart leapt.
I went to my dresser and pulled out another T-shirt and he stood in the doorway. I could feel him watching me, but I tried not to draw attention to it. I knew it would only embarrass him.
“I really like Ryan,” he said.
I turned to him and quirked an eyebrow. “Oh?”
He grinned. “No, not like that. He just seems…nice.”
“You two have a nice talk?”
“We did. About you, mostly.”
“What did he say?”
Playfully, he said, “Now that would be telling. It’s between me and him.”
I will admit, I was curious what the two of them had talked about. But I respected David’s privacy enough not to pry. I also knew that Ryan wouldn’t say anything to him about me that could be cast negatively. I liked that side of David, playful and confident. I hadn’t seen it often, and I wanted to see it more.
“Can you do something for me?”
“Sure. Anything.”
“Um…can you stay with me tonight?” He looked embarrassed at the request. His cheeks and the tops of his ears flamed red, and he looked down at his feet after he spoke.
I was surprised at the request. I knew him well enough that it took a lot of guts to make the request, and that the request was an effort to sooth his own fears.
“Are you sure?”
He seemed to think about it for a moment before answering. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure.”
“David, we don’t have to do anything.”
“I know that. I just want to…be with you.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant by “be” with me, but I assumed it meant spending time with me. I was okay with that. More than okay, actually. It showed me that the walls were c
oming down, at least somewhat, and that he was letting me in.
“Do you have a DVD player?” I honestly didn’t remember seeing one when I was there the night before. He nodded, and I grabbed the first season boxed set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer because, honestly, who doesn’t love Buffy? Tossing it into a backpack I fished out of the closet, I also grabbed an extra graphic T-shirt, underwear, and socks, tossed them into the backpack with the DVDs, and slung the bag over my shoulder.
Walking to him, I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him to me, leaned down, and gave him a quick kiss. “I know you’re nervous. But what you just asked…meant the world to me. I wanted you to know that.”
I swear, if pride were a tangible thing, I felt him fill with it. His chest seemed to expand against mine and his arms held me tighter. He leaned into me, resting his head against my chest. My hand moved on its own, fingers tracing across his hairline, then running through the hair on the back of his head. I loved the way his hair felt between my fingers, soft and silken, and I was silently thankful that he wasn’t the kind of guy that was particular about someone mussing up his hair. I kissed the top of his head, taking in the scent of his shampoo, woodsy and rich, and I savored it, memorized it, imprinted it on my psyche. My finger traced the shell of his ear and I said, “Ready?”
He sighed heavily before answering, “Yeah, I am.”
“So am I.”
I kissed his head one more time and he pulled away, peering up at me. He leaned up, kissed my lips, and said, “Let’s go.”
I draped an arm over his shoulder and pulled him close, leaving it there for the world to see as we left the condo.
Running errands was not typically the way I liked to spend my days. I preferred to either veg out in front of the television or be outside either playing basketball or running. I had been an avid runner in high school. I’d even made it onto the varsity track team my junior year. I found that the practice I had from track came in handy when I joined the Marines. I only wished the coaches had made us lug fifty-pound bags when we trained for track. That would have really trained me for my future service. With all of the time I had spent at the hospital recently, I found that the time I spent running had been cut significantly. Ryan and I had spent hours every day that we were allowed at Lucas’s bedside. By the time we left, I would be so emotionally and physically exhausted that I had little energy to do much of anything else.
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