There was my Adam, always thinking about what was best for me, or at least what would make me feel more comfortable. And, honestly, it wasn’t a bad idea. The last thing I wanted was to draw attention to myself and away from the kids. And, it would give me an excuse to do something I had always been curious about—cosplay.
As we made our way down the aisles, the military costumes caught my attention. I stopped and tugged on Adam’s hand. He turned and glanced at the rack. “I can’t dress like a Marine if the rest of you are dressing like superheroes. I’ll stick out.”
“I don’t think you should. I’ve just…I’ve never seen you in uniform. Not even pictures.”
A devilish grin spread across his lips. “No, you haven’t. I still have my uniform. If you want, I can put it on for you.”
“Now?”
“Pushy much? You have a thing for guys in uniform that I was unaware of?”
Well, I wasn’t aware of it myself until that very moment, so how could he. Or maybe it wasn’t guys in uniform, but him in uniform.
Adam gently dropped my hand and fingered his way through the costumes until he found what he was looking for. Pulling it from the rack, he held it up to me. “This?”
A black jacket and white pants hung from the hanger inside the clear garment bag. Gold buttons ran down the front, and red piping ran around the throat and on one side of the buttons. A separate bag hung from the hanger that held a white hat. By God, I couldn’t wait to see him in it. He gave me a smirk, like he knew what I was thinking, draped the garment bag over my arm, and continued down the aisle toward the superhero costumes with me trailing behind.
We stood in front of the fitting rooms, him holding my costume and me holding his. “Ready?”
Nerves shot through me. I didn’t consider how…revealing the costume he had selected for me would be until I remembered that it was primarily red and blue spandex. “Are you sure about this?”
“Absolutely,” he said, taking his costume from me. “You understand that I’m not dressing in this next week, though, right?”
“I know. I only think it’s fair. If I have to undress to my underwear in public, so should you.”
“Uniform kink and exhibitionist,” he teased. “I like it.”
I felt my face heat and I ducked my head. He gave a small chuckle and handed me my costume. “Go change.”
I gladly took it from him and walked into one of the two open fitting rooms, sliding the curtain closed to give me some privacy.
“You’re showing me what you look like,” he said as I unbuttoned my shirt.
“What if I look like a dork?”
“David, you won’t. Trust me. It’ll be fine.”
I sighed heavily, probably more dramatically than I needed to and dropped my pants to the floor.
Once on, I stood and looked at myself in the mirror that hung on the back wall of the fitting room. The costume wasn’t bad. It fit nicely in the chest, arms, and legs. But it seemed tight in the ass and instantly gave me a wedgie. Could I really go through with it? Could I really dress that way in public? I pulled the mask over my head and gave myself another once-over.
“Ready when you are,” Adam called.
I slid the curtain open and left the fitting room.
Adam stood in front of me, arms crossed behind him, wearing the costume he had selected, and I cursed the spandex I was wearing for being too revealing. His eyes darted down, and he whispered, “I assume this meets your approval.”
“Definitely.” I couldn’t tell if my voice sounded odd from my excitement of seeing him dressed like that, or from the mask.
“You look good too, babe.”
He lifted the mask to just under my nose, leaned in, and brushed my lips with his. “I may have just developed a thing for spandex.”
I snorted and playfully swatted his arm, glad that I was wearing the mask so he couldn’t see my embarrassment.
“Hold on a sec,” he said, and dashed to the front of the store. He returned a moment later with the sales girl in tow. “She’s going to take our picture.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Oh, but I am, Spidey,” he said as he handed her his phone.
He came to stand beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I instantly felt his warm, protective heat, and instinctively leaned into it, laying my head on his shoulder like it belonged there.
Maybe it did.
The sales girl raised Adam’s phone. “Ready when you are.”
Adam gave a cheesy grin as the camera flashed.
He turned to me and said, “Now one without the mask.” Then he pulled the mask from my head. Our eyes connected and something warm and safe passed between us. He smiled, and it brought out a smile of my own.
He retook his position with his arm around my shoulder, and I placed my head back on his.
The sales girl took the second picture, and handed the phone back to Adam. She leaned in close and whispered, “You two are adorable together.”
I knew I blushed because I felt my cheeks heat, but Adam didn’t seem to notice. Instead, he leaned in and kissed the top of my head. “We are, aren’t we.”
Statement, not a question.
The sales girl giggled, and sauntered away.
Adam turned to me, that same grin plastered across his face, and said, “Go change. Let’s get some lunch.”
I turned to walk back into the changing room, and he swatted my ass. “Yeah, I could get used to you in that.”
I could hear the laughter in his voice, and, without turning around, I shot out, “Bastard.”
That made him laugh harder.
Adam escorted me to my door, grocery bag in each hand. I set my own bag down on the stoop and fished my keys from my pocket. Once unlocked, I threw the door open and stepped out of the way to allow him through. He had insisted on taking the heavier bags. He dropped the bags on the counter as I entered, and turned to me, taking my bags and setting them next to the ones he had just dropped.
He stepped toward me and draped his arms over my shoulders, gently pulling me towards him. “I had fun today.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “I did too.”
And that was the truth. More fun than I had in a very long time. The more time I spent with Adam, the more fun I had with him, the more I wanted to be around him. An ease to our interactions had developed that I had never expected. I felt complete with him, protected and secure. I was learning to be myself, or at least a version of myself that I didn’t know existed and was happy with, and I had him to thank.
“So, I know you have a long day tomorrow, but can we see each other this weekend?”
Warmth spread through me at his words. “You want to?” I said, but couldn’t help the grin.
He returned the grin, face beaming brighter than a thousand suns. “Yeah, I do.”
“Then, yeah. This weekend.”
“I’ll text you.”
“It’s a plan.”
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “You smell so good. Have I told you that today?”
That warmth intensified. “No, I don’t believe you have.”
“Well, you do.” Then he leaned in and kissed my lips. “And you taste good too.”
My breath hitched in my throat. I couldn’t help but hear some underlying meaning to his words, a depth that normal words did not carry. Then he pulled away and smiled. “Put your groceries away. I’m gonna get home and check on the boys.”
“I’ll text you,” he repeated, then he stepped around me and headed to the open door. Casting one last glance at me, he smiled and walked down the steps.
I stood in the middle of my studio for a moment, stupefied. How had I become so lucky? How had that man entered my life and completely changed it and me?
Pressing my fingertips to my lips, I stepped to the door and closed it.
The piece of paper that was taped to the inside of my door fluttered as the door closed. Curious, I pulled it off the door, some of t
he white paint sticking to the tape. Simple, black handprinted script read:
You can’t hide.
Your boyfriend can’t either.
I stood frozen, unable to move. Ice filled my veins.
The note hadn’t been there before I left that morning, I was sure of it. Someone had been in my home while I was gone. Someone had broken in while I was out with Adam, and taped that to the inside of my door so I would see it after the door was closed, when I felt the safest.
My world coalesced into that one piece of paper with those seven little words. Everything else seemed to fall away. My legs moved without conscious thought, pacing back and forth across the floor as I read and reread the note.
I checked the doorjamb for signs of damage, but there was none. How had they gotten in? Had I forgotten to lock the deadbolt? It had become so automatic to me that I couldn’t imagine not doing it. And yet, so many of my normal rituals and routines had disappeared, like carrying my messenger bag everywhere I went, since meeting Adam that I supposed it was possible.
Who had I angered to the point that they would leave that behind? A customer from the shop? Someone from the grocery store? Owen or Greg? The list couldn’t be very long. I didn’t know many people.
My heart beat faster against my chest the more the answer alluded me.
Then, with sudden clarity, one name popped into my head. Roger Barrows.
My father.
The realization hit me so hard that I had to fight the urge to throw up. I sank into the couch, trying to burrow between the cushions, to hide from the note and him.
It had to be him. He was the only one that would have a reason. He blamed me for everything that had gone wrong in his life, and I knew that he would stop at nothing to make me pay. But, if it was him, how the hell had he found me? I didn’t have a landline phone, sticking with a basic pay-as-you-go plan. I kept a post office box at the post office two blocks away, so no mail was delivered to my studio. I didn’t have what normal people called a social life, I never went to bars, and hadn’t gone to many restaurants until Adam came into my life. My social scene was non-existent, and my circle of friends was incredibly small.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I knew without looking that it was a text from Adam. I pulled the phone from my pocket and glanced at the screen.
-Had fun today. You’ll make a HOT Spider-Man! Hotter than Tobey.
He always did that, brought a smile to my face even when he wasn’t around. But that time something else was creeping in. A sense of dread and loss.
If my father was after me and, by extension, Adam and his family, I had to protect them. I couldn’t let them get hurt because of me. There had been this nagging doubt at the back of my mind since meeting Adam, this feeling of impending doom, like waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.
It finally had.
I tried to look at all my options.
If I called Adam and told him, I was sure he would race back over and offer to help in any way he could. But that meant telling him my truth and having him walk away. Watching him leave would break my heart. Without my even realizing it, I had come to care for him, maybe more than I was allowing myself to admit. I had never allowed myself to feel anything for another person because all it did was bring me pain. I had built up walls and defenses, and kept my distance from everyone. Self-preservation. And the only way I could do that was by not letting anyone in.
Yet, somehow, without my even understanding it, Adam got in. He was kind and generous. He was patient with me when he never should have had to be, and not for the first time, I found myself questioning why.
Would he really walk away if I told him everything? More than likely. But, the smallest spark of hope was there, that he would be able to see past all of that, that he wouldn’t hold what I did against me.
But if he didn’t walk away, I would be putting him directly in the line of fire. If my father was the one behind this, he would do anything he could to hurt me. Adam was my one weakness. If Adam, or Ryan or Lucas for that matter, were hurt, I would never be able to live with myself. They had accepted me in as family when they didn’t have to, without knowing anything about me. How could I allow them to be hurt when I knew I had the power to keep it from happening?
My phone buzzed again, and I looked at the screen.
-Have a good night and day tomorrow. Can’t wait until this weekend.
I read the words over and over because I knew the weekend he was thinking about would never happen. I had made my decision without realizing it.
I would have to cut him out of my life.
Completely.
No visits. No phone calls. No texts.
Total and utter removal.
Sadness washed over me at the thought of losing him. But it was better that way, or at least I was trying to convince myself of that. I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk him. Seeing him get hurt because of me would kill me. I couldn’t let that happen. He had too much to offer, his soul was too good. I wouldn’t be responsible for that being scarred.
I stood and crossed the studio to the bedside table and plugged in my cell, his messages going unanswered. It was killing me not to respond, but I couldn’t.
I lay on top of the bed and curled up into a ball. My body ached and nothing I could do would make that go away. The ache became a living, breathing thing, and I allowed it to take over, wash over me. I deserved this, to have nothing. Tears stung my eyes, and I allowed them to come, crying myself into an exhausted sleep.
I WAS HIGH ON ADRENALINE when I got home Thursday night. David and I had spent a perfect day together doing…well…nothing, really. I mean, who gets excited over costume shopping, lunch, and grocery shopping? Seriously. But in the time we had spent together, not just Thursday, but all of those other times, I could see a change taking shape in him. I know it sounds girly to say, and I am anything but girly, but he was like a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly. Whatever had beaten him down so badly was finally being shed, and I was truly beginning to see the man he was underneath.
And he was beautiful.
I only wished he could see himself the way I saw him. He wasn’t perfect, I knew that. No one was. But there was a gentleness to him that I couldn’t resist. It was that same gentleness that I knew on some instinctive level that had been used and battered and beaten. Gentle souls are so easily taken advantage of because they only want to see the good. And his had been beaten until it was virtually non-existent.
But I could see it coming back. When we met, his smile never seemed to reach his eyes. He kept that happiness guarded, almost as if he believed that it wasn’t real. Now, when he smiled at me, I could feel the joy he felt. And it made me glad that I was the one that could give it to him.
Within the past few weeks, I could see the walls he had built around himself come down, piece by piece, and I’d be lying if I didn’t know it was because of me. That sounds douchy, like I’m only in it for my own satisfaction, but that wasn’t the case. David had become someone that I had come to care for in ways I’d never felt before.
I flopped onto the couch and pulled out my cell. I had the picture of me and David opened before I even realized what I was doing. It was a damn good pic, if I do say so myself. Not because I was in it, but because he looked so happy and relaxed.
Pride fired through me, again, not because of me, but because of everything he’d accomplished in such a brief time. The idea for the hospital was inspiring, and it proved to me what a gentle, selfless soul he had. The hard work and dedication he had put into it only helped to solidify that sense of pride.
Along with something else. Something warm and unique had begun to take shape inside me within those past few weeks. Hell, maybe it’d been there the entire time and I was only beginning to see it.
Again, I had never considered myself girly, but as I sat on the couch and stared at the picture of us, I couldn’t help but feel that warmth radiate through me.
I kicked off my shoes and
slung my feet onto the coffee table. If Ryan caught me with my shoes on the table, he’d kill me. Well, not literally, but he’d at least yell at me like I was a little kid.
I opened my messaging app, and fired off a quick message to David.
-Had fun today. You’ll make a HOT Spider-Man! Hotter than Tobey.
I hoped he’d find that endearing. Or at least funny. I sure as shit did.
Ryan walked in the front door followed by Lucas as I was setting my phone onto the arm of the couch. He glanced at my feet on the table, just like I knew he would. I shot him a grin and waggled my toes. “No shoes, Dad.”
He smirked at me and tossed his keys onto the dining room table. “How was your day?”
“It was good. David and I went costume shopping.”
Lucas sat beside me on the couch, and Ryan leaned against the wall that separated the living room from the dining room. “Oh? How’d that go?”
My cheeks heated at the memory of David’s ass in that blue spandex. Perv.
“We had fun. He’s gonna make a fuckin’ hot Spider-Man.” I said that for Ryan’s benefit to see if I could get a rise out of him. What’re brothers for? But he just rolled his eyes at me.
“We have ours on reserve. We’re picking them up Saturday.”
Which reminded me, I probably wouldn’t see David the following day, but if everything worked out, I wanted to see him that weekend.
I shot him another text.
-Have a good night and day tomorrow. Can’t wait until this weekend.
I had no idea what we would actually do over the weekend, but as I was beginning to find out about him, less was most definitely more. He didn’t need or want anything fancy, no overt symbols of romanticism. Not that I would be opposed to giving them to him. I would give him the world if I could.
Lucas yawned next to me. I patted him on the knee. “Okay, kiddo, time for bed.”
I half expected an argument from him, but when he looked at me with half-lidded eyes, I knew he was ready. The chemo and drugs had wiped his system out, and the doctors told us it would take a while for him to get back to full strength. Still, I was allowed to worry, right?
He stood and headed down the hallway. I grabbed my phone and followed, passing Ryan along the way. He gave me a weak smile, showing he was worried about his son too. I clasped him on the shoulder and said, “Night.”
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