by Nadirah Foxx
Something nagged at me, telling me Ryan was mixed up in the mess. Not as a willing participant. Instead, my husband served as a blatant warning to others in his shoes—don’t mess with us or you’ll be dead. Nobody else should suffer his fate.
Unless they were guilty of the crime.
After running the water, I decided being confined in a tub wouldn’t solve my problem. In the past, when I truly needed to think and relax, I’d run. So, I decided against the wine and slipped into a pair of leggings, a sports bra, and a tank top. Lacing up my shoes, I concluded the treadmill wouldn’t fulfill my needs either.
Josh wouldn’t like it, but I was going for a run outside—in the dark. Before I made it to the door, I tucked my phone into the pocket of my pants.
Just in case.
The night was pleasantly crisp, but the hint of rain tinged the air. It wouldn’t be long before the storm hit. Most people would have bailed, but I didn’t mind running in inclement weather. I used to do it plenty of times as a member of Liberty City High’s track team.
With no hesitation, I bolted down the sidewalk at a moderate pace. Unsure of where I was headed, I simply tried to appreciate the slap of my shoes on the asphalt and the wind in my face. After a few blocks, I found my rhythm. It was comforting listening to the sounds of the city. My feet kissed the land, pounding out a satisfying noise, as I ran toward the bright lights of Liberty City Stadium.
Honestly, it felt good to run again. I hadn’t done it in about a year. Before RJ was born, I ran twice a day. Ryan often joined me in the evening. But then, Ryan Junior came into the world. Motherhood made it difficult but not impossible to run. The long hours at work took its toll, and I had to settle for the gym. I made a mental note to get outdoors more often.
Within minutes, calm covered me like a long-forgotten blanket. So, I kept going. My breathing was steady, and my heart was strong. Nothing was stopping me.
But maybe it should have.
As I approached the stadium, however, I was gasping for air. Then it occurred to me that I’d covered a lot of ground. At least a good five miles or more. A little too much for one night.
For a fleeting moment, I considered calling Josh. It would piss him off, but hearing his chastisement would be preferable to running or walking back.
Right before I turned around, the sound of footsteps crunching across gravel came toward me. I whirled around. A bald-headed man with tattoos and piercings blocked my path. He wore ripped jeans and a leather jacket. I didn’t notice a weapon.
“Well, aren’t you a pretty one? Didn’t think I’d get lucky out here tonight.”
“You won’t.” I drummed my fingers against my leg and took a few easy breaths.
The fool had no idea I was prepared for a fight. Although it wasn’t a requirement to work in cybercrime, I took the LCPD’s tactical training course. I was skilled in hand-to-hand combat and weaponry.
“I like ‘em feisty.” He crept toward me.
“If you were smart,” I warned, “you’d leave now.”
The idiot laughed as if I had delivered the best joke he’d ever heard. “Maybe you should follow your own advice.”
“Bring it,” I replied through my teeth.
He lunged, but before I could swing at him, a squad car pulled up. I glanced at the approaching vehicle. Heavy footsteps pounded the pavement as my would-be assailant ran off.
Damn!
I honestly wanted to punch his fucking lights out.
“Miss?”
“Yes?” I asked halfheartedly, still staring in the direction the perp ran in.
His partner was calling in the incident.
“Are you okay?”
Frustrated, I waved my hand dismissively. “I’m fine. I live near here. Everything’s fine.”
“Is there anyone who could pick you up? I’d hate for that guy to return and—”
“No worries, Officer. He won’t.” Without another word, I dashed across the street and retraced my steps.
When I reached the Liberty Towers, I was more than ready for a hot soak and the glass of wine I’d bypassed earlier. As I approached the apartment, I heard men talking. Slowly, I opened the door and walked in on an unexpected scene. Josh had a guest over.
The blond hunk was handsome. It was obvious from the unabashed way he stroked my friend’s arm there was something between them.
“Don’t mind me,” I said and rushed down the hall to the guest room.
Seconds later, someone knocked. “Kerrie, can I come in?”
“Sure.”
Josh entered with a sheepish expression on his face. “I think I should explain what you saw.”
I held my palms out in front of me. “No need. This is your home. I’m an intruder.”
“Stop it, Kerrie. You’re not intruding.” He rubbed his temple as he sat on the edge of the bed. “It’s not what you think. Jared is someone I knew in college. A close friend.”
“How close?”
“Jared is gay, not me.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t say anything else.
“He’s visiting Liberty City and just came to say hi. He wished to go out for drinks.” Josh offered me a lopsided grin. “Nothing more.”
Oh, man. My response came out wrong. It sounded judgmental even to my ears. Sitting beside him, I said, “If you were gay, it wouldn’t bother me. I only want you to happy.”
He winked. “There’ll be no one else for me but you.”
I felt my cheeks heat. It had been years since we had that discussion.
“Where have you been, anyway?” My friend gave me a scrutinizing stare. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’d been running outside.”
“H-how did you know?”
“The mud on your shoes. You left a trail down the hall.” He pointed to my footprints on the light gray carpet.
“Fuck,” I muttered.
“Again with the language.” He chuckled and pushed to his feet. “Have you eaten?”
“Nope.” Squinting up at Josh, I asked, “What about Jared?”
“He’s gone.”
“Oh. Can I ask you something?”
“You just did.”
“That wasn’t it, silly. You say you aren’t gay, but maybe you could be bisexual.”
Josh scrubbed a hand over his face and then stared at the floor. “One night in college, we got pissy drunk. He made a move on me.” My friend glanced at me. “We only kissed. I’ll admit it was nice, but I wanted nothing sexual from him. Would I have kissed him again under different circumstances? No.”
“But Jared didn’t accept your decision?”
“No. He’s always craved more, but I didn’t stop being his friend.”
Craved more? An odd statement.
“Good.” I touched Josh’s knee. “Keep your friends close.”
“I know. I was happy to see him, but that’s as far as it will ever go between us. Besides, Jared claimed he met someone. He wanted to know if I’d changed my mind about him.”
I grimaced. “A little odd, don’t you think? He’s found another man but wanted to clear it with you? The man is still into you.”
“He’ll get over it.” Josh walked over to the door. “Want to split a pizza?”
“Make it a large.”
“Pepperoni, mushrooms, and ham?”
“Pepperoni, mushrooms, and bacon.”
“Breadsticks?”
“No. Wings.”
“Ranch?”
“Uh-uh. Blue cheese.” I giggled.
“What’s so funny?”
“You realize we’ve been doing this since we were kids?”
“Why should we stop just because we’re adults?”
He was right. I loved our little back-and-forth banter when it came to food and drinks. It was like Josh was attempting to read my thoughts, and I always had to throw him a curve. “Before you ask, I’ll take a beer. Dark if you have it.”
“I’m on it.” He paused for a beat or two. His voice took on a s
erious tone as he asked, “Kerrie, have you thought about what happens next?”
“About?”
“You’re a beautiful woman with a lot of living left to do. Ever think about what you’ll do next?”
I knew what he was asking. It was something I’d wondered about myself, but how could I fathom a relationship with anyone? It was too soon to even contemplate.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “Ryan was my everything. How will I find someone to replace him?”
“Understood. Have you thought about when you get lonely?”
“Remember, you said I won’t ever be alone? I have you and enough anger to keep me company.”
“Anger?”
“Yeah. A story for much later. Suffice it to say, for now, my thoughts occupy enough of my spare time. Between you and it, I have no need for anyone else.”
A look of disbelief crossed his face before he averted his eyes. Lightening the mood, he pointed to the carpet. “I’d appreciate it if you cleaned up after yourself too.”
“Yes, sir.” I fell back onto the bed laughing.
It felt good to have something to laugh at—even if it were silly.
After we scarfed down our pizza, Josh cued up a comedy for us to watch. Although the earlier laughter felt good, I wasn’t in the mood for the movie.
Josh clicked off the TV and tossed the remote to the side. “Talk to me, Kerrie. What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie. You suck at it.” He chugged down the rest of his beer. “Let’s start with where you went earlier. I know you didn’t see your mom today.”
Anger flickered as I whipped my gaze toward him. “You’re checking on me?”
He held up his palm. “Calm down. Someone has to look out for you. Make sure you’re not doing anything reckless—like jogging through the streets alone at night.”
Busted.
“How?”
“Did I know? I got a call while you were in the tub. An officer was checking up on you. He said he wasn’t sure who you were when he saw you near the stadium tonight. Then, his partner clued him in. Told him what happened to Ryan and RJ.”
I shifted my position on the sofa.
“Care to explain why you were in the area?”
Jumping to my feet, I walked toward the window and put some distance between us. “I just went jogging.”
“That’s not the story I was told. It seems like you were about to be assaulted. According to the officer, you didn’t have the good sense to leave it alone. No cries for help. He saw your phone, but you didn’t use it.”
“I was in control of the situation, Josh.”
“Kerrie—”
Whirling around, I shouted, “Don’t go there! I’m not a fucking child, Josh. I can take care of myself.”
He flinched as if I’d struck him. Josh pursed his lips and then pushed to his feet. Hesitantly, he came over to me. “I know you can take care of yourself. We all know that, but right now you need someone willing to help you.”
Not wanting to fight with Josh, I asked, “What kind of help?”
“You said you were angry. Maybe talk to someone about it before you do something—”
“Foolish!” I shouted. “You consider me foolish?” I jabbed my finger in his chest as I moved forward, forcing him to retreat. “My anger is not foolish. It’s a bona fide reaction to loss. The love of my life and my only child were brutally taken from me. Am I not supposed to be angry?”
To my chagrin, Josh didn’t shy away from the argument I was so desperate to start. He grasped my hand and held it. “Kerrie, you’re entitled to your anger. When you start making decisions because of it, there’s a problem.”
I yanked my hand away and stormed down the hall toward the bedroom. The last thing I wanted was a lecture. Even if it came from a well-meaning friend.
7
Fueled by Anger
Sadly, my issues with anger continued. After our haphazard discussion, Josh and I kept a wide berth between us. I suspected he was waiting to finish our talk—pointing out the merits of seeking counseling—while I was attempting to avoid it at all costs.
When I reported for duty a week later, I got an unpleasant surprise from Captain Stratham.
“Have a seat, Ms. King,” he said, looking up from a file.
Tentatively, I did as he asked. “Is there something wrong?”
“Technically.” The captain folded his hands on his desk. “New procedures are in place. Before starting work, you’re required to have a psych eval.”
“What?” I shouted as I shot to my feet. “That’s bullshit!”
Indignation lit up his dark eyes as he studied me. “Your outburst simply proves the eval might not be a bad idea. Report to Dr. Upton. I alerted her as soon as you entered the building,” my boss said in a quiet and tense tone.
Without a rebuttal, I stormed out of his office. Before I reached the elevator, Josh crossed my path. It was the wrong time for him to make an appearance. The smile evaporated from his face as soon as he saw me.
“You left in a hurry this morning,” he said meekly.
“Seems I shouldn’t have left anyway,” I spat out. “Tell me, Joshua, did you go to Captain Stratham?”
Josh’s eyebrows knitted together. “About?”
“You know damn well what this is about!” Co-workers stopped and took notice of the heated exchange. Their presence didn’t deter me. “You told the captain I needed to be evaluated!”
“No, I didn’t. I haven’t spoken to Captain Stratham, but I think his suggestion is warranted.”
My fingers curled. The rage I felt nearly overwhelmed me. Before I did something I’d regret, I walked away. With everyone watching, I had two options—go see Upton or leave the building. Reluctantly, I pressed the button for the elevator. When the doors parted, the good doctor was on the other side.
The chubby redhead smiled. “Ms. King, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Captain Stratham called me. Thought we could have a discussion over a cup of coffee. Let’s go next door.”
“Whatever.”
If Dr. Upton thought we were suddenly going to become best girlfriends, she would be sadly disappointed.
I ordered a skinny latte. The doctor ordered hers black with two creams and three sugars, which explained her girth. Once the barista handed us our coffees, we found an empty corner booth near the window.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” she began.
Wrong way to start. “Why do people say that?”
She took a sip of her overly sweet concoction. “Say what?”
Ignoring her question, I asked one of my own. “What exactly are you sorry for?”
Her wide-set grass-green eyes blinked rapidly as she frowned. “I’m afraid I don’t follow.”
“Real easy question, Doctor. Are you sorry for the life I’m forced to live without my husband and my son? Are you sorry my house was broken into? Maybe you’re sorry for the expense of the funeral.” Not giving her a chance to respond, I added, “Saying you’re sorry doesn’t change shit about my life.”
Dr. Upton flinched and turned bright red. It took her a moment to compose herself. She drank a good portion of her coffee before saying, “Your anger is understandable. Your life has been tragically changed. Allow me to ask a question, and I’d appreciate an honest answer. What are you so angry about?”
I glanced out the window and contemplated my answer. If I’d been a cop, the department would have confiscated my badge and my weapon. My superior would have claimed I was a danger to myself and others. But I wasn’t an officer. Who cared if an analyst was overcome by grief…or guilt?
Swallowing hard, I admitted what I had told no one—not even Josh. “I’m responsible for their deaths.”
“Come again?”
With a little more conviction, I said, “My husband and my son are dead because of me.” When Dr. Upton didn’t interrupt, I added, “I should have done more. I could have shared
the crime reports with Ryan. If I had, he would have taken proper precautions. If I’d picked up our son that night, no one would have been home when the robbers showed up.”
The good doctor pushed her cup to one side and folded her hands in front of her. “That’s quite a scenario you’ve painted. Let me share a different one—a possibly more accurate one. The reports you mentioned weren’t for the public, otherwise the newspapers and online periodicals would have referenced them. Second, if you had picked up your son, it could be your husband sitting here with me as he mourned your death.”
Her words, regardless of how truthful they might have been, did nothing to lessen my guilt or my temper. “Your point?”
“My point is there was nothing you could have done. To hold yourself accountable is an exercise in insanity. Eventually, you’ll have to let it go, or this constant anger will tear you apart.”
“Or it’ll help me get justice.” With that, I slid out of the booth and left the coffee shop.
As I walked back to the station, I realized my days with the LCPD were probably over. If my suspicions were true, I didn’t want to work for a compromised department. Pouring all my efforts into Sentinel Security while using my knowledge to find my family’s killers was probably a better use of my time. Possibly a win-win strategy. Something told me I wouldn’t have to announce my intention to Captain Stratham. My position would be on hold until I got clearance from Dr. Upton.
I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I didn’t notice where I was going. The solid mass hit me with such force I stumbled backward. A hand grasped my elbow, keeping me from falling over.
“Sorry, Kerrie.” He sent me a long, pained look before averting his eyes.
That was my doing. As kids we had disagreements, but we always made up within hours. Letting the issue fester wasn’t like us or me.
“No, I’m the one who should apologize.” He opened his mouth, but I lifted my palm. “It doesn’t matter if you went to the captain. I made a decision.”
“About?”
“I’m going to take some more time off.”
Josh nodded. “That’s probably for the best. What are you going to do?”
“Focus on Ryan’s…my company. I can’t do that and work at the precinct. Maybe once the killers are caught, I’ll be able to come back.” Or after some serious counseling with someone other than Dr. Upton.