“Cool, I needed to see you.” She stopped to take a long swallow from her drink. “You’ve been by my house twice this month . . .”
Cool tried to sound angry, “I know! And you wasn’t home! Where were you? I figured you was in church, cause it was late.”
Irene took a sip of her drink, said, “I was, we were, going to wait until you came by again, but since I knew you were comin again sometime, we thought I better tell you before you did. I have moved anyway. I don’t live there anymore.” She smiled and took another sip of her drink. “I have a marriage now, Cool.”
I liked to fell off my own legs. Yes MAM!
Cool, annoyed again, didn’t seem to understand. “Now, Irene, I just got through tellin you that I . . . You moved? And didn’t tell me? Where? And what you mean ‘married’? I keep trying to tell you I ain’t ready to get married.”
She softly interrupted him by holding her hand up. “Not to you, Cool . . . to someone else.”
Cool stood up (Mr. Summer did too). Cool knocked over his chair and asked, “Woman! Are you crazy?!”
Irene stayed calm, bless her little brave heart. She said, just as calm as could be, “Now, don’t get excited, Cool, and we can talk. Otherwise, I’ll have to leave.”
Cool remembered the other folks in the bar and glanced around quickly. He pulled his chair back up and sat right down in it, leanin toward Irene, urgent like. Mr. Summer sat back down also. Cool was lookin angry, not so cool. He said, “You ain’t goin NOWHERE!”
Irene’s face was just as calm and bright, she still wasn’t scared. “No. That’s where I been. I ain’t goin there no more. Now, I got some things to do so . . . let’s finish this out.”
Cool’s eyes was all bucked when he said, “You damn right! We gonna finish this out! Who you been listenin to? Who been lyin to you? I ain’t got to tell you, you know who your man is! You love me! All this shit you talkin . . .”
Irene held her hand up again, calmly. “Now . . . let me talk. We never have had much time to talk. When you come to see me, talkin ain’t much on your mind.”
“Well, who’s the fault of that? You! You don’t hardly let me touch you no more; you always sick . . . or busy . . . or the boys need somethin, or you got to go to your mama’s house for somethin! It ain’t my fault we don’t talk . . . or nothin. Don’t lay that on me!”
Irene turned her face away from all them words and held up her hand again. When she turned back to Cool, she said, “If we did talk, it was just games. Your games. Lyin games. You never took the time to think about if what you gave me was what I needed and wanted, or what I just took from you.”
“Well, you was happy. And you loved me.”
“I was not happy. And . . . I don’t love you anymore. Not for a long time. Life with you ain’t life.”
Cool’s face got ugly and he raised his voice in anger and indignation. “Well, in them nights when you used to let me be alone with you, you sure did seem to be enjoyin yourself!”
For some reason, nothin Cool said seemed to make Irene lose her cool. “Oh, Cool, the first few years there were times we could enjoy each other.” She placed her hand over one of his. “But in the good times, I was burdened with all the things I had to try to understand.” She moved her hand away from his and his hand lay on the table looking alone and forlorn.
Cool must couldn’t think of what to say because he asked a foolish question, defensively, “What did you have to try to understand?”
“Oh, Cool, you are way pass me. You have your own . . . dreams.”
“You got that right!”
“I know.”
Then he must have remembered, “What’s all this about marriage? What you talkin bout? Who did you meet that would marry you?” He leaned back in his chair, gettin his manhood back. “And take care of my kids . . . my sons?!”
As cool as could be, she said, “Nobody.”
In his joy, Cool laughed and said, “That’s what I thought. Well, then . . .”
Irene held up that hand again. “Cool, let me talk and try not to interrupt me. This is not easy for me.”
Cool stopped laughing, abruptly, said, “Don’t say nothin you’ll be sorry for! Cause I might not come to see you for another few weeks!”
Irene took another big swallow of her drink and a deep breath.
Cool, somehow feelin better and thinkin he is in control again, said, “Come on now. Have your say, then I got to go and you better get on home to my sons and stop talkin all this sh—mess!”
Irene started out talkin slow as she moved one of her fingers through the water drops on the little table. “You know I go to church, regular, because that is the place I choose to find my wisdom . . . find my way . . . to live by. And for years I been prayin for what I want . . . for what every woman wants, I think.”
Tan had been listenin without seemin to, but now she turned a ear round closer.
Cool interrupted again. “Let’s talk about this marriage you talkin bout doin, cause . . .”
Irene interrupted him back, sayin, “What I’m sayin is you are not enough for me.”
Cool, right away, looked over at Tan and Joe.
Irene looked down at her lap, kinda in space with her thoughts. Even her voice seemed to come from a distance. “Ohhhh, I was lonely. So lonely. Many times I looked in that ole cracked mirror in my room and said to myself what a fool I was. So many things I wanted to do . . . with you . . . before the children and . . . even after the children.” Then she raised her head to look at Cool. “I was young, I am young, and there were so many times I wanted to make love. In the middle of the night . . . or early in the mornin . . . or even in the afternoon, outside on the grass . . . in the rain . . . by the creek . . . in a tree. Not just sex, Cool . . . love. But, you wasn’t there. You were with me when you wanted to be ’cordin to your feelings, not when I needed you . . . ’cordin to mine.”
All I could say was, “Humph!” as my heart clapped in my breast for her.
Cool looked confused, well, he wasn’t used to thinkin hard bout the right things, so all he said was, “Well . . .” Like he was tryin to say somethin smart back.
But Irene was not through doin her own thinkin. “Sometimes when you came to my house, you were tired. You came where I was so you could sleep . . . or eat. And when you wake up, you’d be on your way out.”
Of all things, Cool asked, “What has that got to do with you gettin married?”
Still lookin in Cool’s face, she answered, “It’s the reason I found somebody else. I found out what real love is. You always ran your life ’cordin to your own music, now I can live my life ’cordin to the music I hear and feel. My own music. I can even touch it.”
Well, that Cool jumped up again, upsettin his chair again, and his lucky hat fell off. Mr. Summer stood up, too. Joe looked a little worried and I knew he was thinkin of that gun Cool had in his pocket. But Cool looked over at Joe, then reached down for his chair and tried to look nonchalant, or somethin, as he sat back down, forgettin his lucky hat. But his voice forgot to sound easy when he asked in as low a voice as his anger would let him use, “Somebody else!!! What you mean? You been givin my . . .” He looked at Joe again, then he had to ask anyway, “You been givin my stuff away, Irene?”
“Not yours, Cool. Mine. I’m the one was born with it.”
Cool scrunched his chair closer, “To who? When?”
Up came Irene’s hand again, “If you’re quiet, I’ll tell you . . . if you’re not, I’ll go.”
Cool’s voice was low and sinister when he said, “Baby, you ain’t goin nowhere!”
Irene leaned back in her chair and looked at Cool thoughtfully. “Cool, I know I ain’t so good lookin . . . and I know fellas like the good-lookin kind. But I can’t worry bout that cause I’m young, and I got a lotta feelings that I left up to you to satisfy for a long time. But, you didn’t satisfy em. I don’t feel like sleepin around . . . so . . . well, so while I was doin housework for some of the church members . . . I
met . . . someone . . . else.”
Cool sneered, “The preacher?!”
Irene smiled and looked at her hands as she answered, “No. But a very nice gentleman, who was very kind to me, helped me in so many little ways, big ways too. He was patient with me, treated me like I was somebody special. And all the time it was really just love he was showin me.”
Cool pointed his finger in her face as he said, with a sneer, “Oh, hell! They all do that to get what they want! You just a fool to go for that mess! Patient?! Hell, yeah, he was patient! Tryin to steal my woman on the sly!” Then he changed his tactic. He leaned in close to Irene’s face, she didn’t move, just looked straight in his eyes. In a low, husky-soft mannish voice, he said, “Irene, baby, you know what we have. We got love, true love. You know ain’t nobody like me . . . for you, but me. We togeeeeether, baby. Toooogether. We got babies . . . together. My sons. Listen to me, we a family. You got my sons, baby. You a fool to go for whatever he layin on your mind.” He leaned back in his chair; satisfied that he had done his good job on his woman.
Irene looked at Mr. Summer, at least it looked like she did to me, as she said, “I don’t think he is foolin me. And I know he is patient because I know he wants his family together and he didn’t press on me when I had the first baby because he knew I still had some feelings for you. And he still didn’t change. Even after the second baby. He still treats me in every good way . . . and it’s been seven years now.”
Cool stood up and the chair went over again. “Seven years! You been goin with me more’n that! You been foolin round with somebody else for seven years! I oughta kick your ass!”
Mr. Summer stood up and Joe come from round the bar headin for Irene’s table. Joe told Cool, “Okay, Cool, don’t want no mess in my club!”
Cool raised his hand for Joe to stop, “Ain’t no mess, man! This bitch here . . .”
Then Mr. Summer said in his mannish voice, “Watch your language, boy.”
Cool turned to Mr. Summer, sayin, “Sit down, ole man, this is my business. I ain’t gonna hurt her, not now, anyway!”
Mr. Summer answered in a hard, strong voice, “See that you don’t. It’s my business to make very sure you don’t.”
Cool turned his back and waved Mr. Summer away, grabbed his chair and sat back down (smashing his lucky hat under his chair) at the table where Irene waited, patiently. Joe, slowly, went back behind the bar. He looked back at Cool a couple of times. I know he was thinkin bout that gun. And it’s a wonder he didn’t stumble over Tan-Tan’s eyes cause they was stuck out all the way to Cool’s table.
Cool took out a handkerchief and wiped his face as Irene asked him, “Cool? How many women have you had in six years? One year, even?”
He was breathin hard when he answered her, “That’s different! I’m a man! But why did you do this to me? Me!”
Irene’s eyes slid over to Mr. Summer just as easy, and she almost smiled at him, but I guess it wasn’t the time just then. But, in a voice that was makin love to whoever she was talkin about, she said, “Because he showed me what it felt like to be a woman. To get Valentine cards and boxes of candy, birthday presents, soft underwear and nightgowns we could enjoy together. Somebody to rub you to sleep . . . to . . .”
Cool broke her reverie in a high voice I hadn’t heard before, incredulous, “You been ‘sleepin’ with em?!”
Irene must didn’t hear him, cause she smiled in a dreamy way as she said, “Somebody who make love to you like you’re both there. Thinks of you . . . for no reason at all and stops by to see if there is anything he can do for you.” She laughed lightly as she said, “Buys you perfume, not because you need it, but because he knows you like it, or pretty toilet paper even, not because you need it, but because he knows you use it. Makes you feel like you both somethin . . . not just him bein somethin.”
Cool suddenly grinned, said, “Who is he? Who . . . is . . . the . . . sucker? The somebody-else’s-woman stealer! Tell me who he is, cause I’m gonna tell him who ‘I’ am!”
Irene returned her gaze to Cool. “He knows about you. I told him about you a long time ago. How I wished you and me would get married . . . a long time ago, before the babies, and have a life together. After the first baby, I still thought maybe I wanted that, thought I could wait . . . until you had your runout.”
Cool leaned back, satisfied, and you could see him feelin better as he glanced to see if Joe and Tan heard those last words. “What the fool say to that?!”
Irene looked at Mr. Summer again, “He never said one word about us, no matter what I said. I liked him for that. In fact, Cool, over the years . . . he’s been there when the kids were sick, when they had to do somethin or, oh, just whatever came up about our sons . . . so that I piled up so much likin for him that it turned into love, kinda good and strong and . . . easy, without my even realizin it.”
Cool came forward in his chair again and the high voice came from him in disbelief, “You love him?!”
Irene nodded and shook her head all at the same time and grinned, “I love him. Very, very, very, very much.”
There was a moment’s silence as Cool looked at Irene, then he asked, “You just think you love him cause I ain’t been around . . . too much. But . . . I’m gonna be! Anyway, what you gonna tell my kids? My sons?”
Irene looked at Cool and smiled as she said, “I don’t have to tell my sons anything, Cool.”
Cool was silent a moment as he looked at her, his face all frowned up. Then he said, “I want them to know damn well who their father is.”
Irene looked at Cool a moment, then her gaze passed to Mr. Summer. “They have always known who their father is. Their father knows them and they know their father. It’s my fault they have been apart.”
“What you mean . . . your fault?”
Now Irene sat up straight in her chair, looked into Cool’s eyes and placed her hand over one of his. “Cool, I never told you those were your children. Your sons. You just thought they were because you thought you were the only man in my life. If you really look at them, they don’t even look like you. You see what you want to see. At the time I had our first son, I should have told you then. But . . . I knew what kind of life you were livin, so I didn’t feel like I was cheatin you any more than you thought you were cheatin me. And I just didn’t know if I still wanted to marry you or not. And . . . their father told me to wait until I was sure what I wanted to do with my life, cause he could still love them and do for them whether you knew it or not. I waited, years, until I knew you were entirely out of my mind.”
Cool stood up, lookin like he was goin to go out of his mind, chile. Yes sir! He was almost cryin, least his voice was when he was shouting at Irene. “Woman, Irene, don’t you . . . shit on my life! Don’t you take everything good from my life and leave the shit!”
Irene started to stand, but changed her mind and remained calmly in her chair. “But, we aren’t your life, Cool.” I could tell she was a little scared now, but still tryin to be kind. She went on talkin in a easy kind of voice, she never did holler. “Your life is out here where the . . . shit is. You brought the . . . shit into our lives. I didn’t. You didn’t even know my sons knew who their father was because you’ve never been close to them. Huggin and kissin is fine for a quick minute, but it does not put clothes on a child’s back or food in a child’s stomach. Or stand over them all night when they are sick or hurt. Or take them to a doctor or a dentist or even to school.” She slowly shook her head and said, “We have a whole life apart from you and you didn’t think enough of us to look and see it.”
Mr. Summer was standin again and Joe was comin back round from the bar. Cool shouted at Irene, “You lyin! Why you take my money?”
Irene just shook her head slowly, “Because I had let you take my body at one time and I was still feedin you years later.”
“You lyin bout my kids! Them’s MY sons!”
“No, I’m not lyin, Cool, as God is my witness.”
“Them’s my kids,
Irene. My sons.”
Shakin her head sadly, she repeated, hard on each and every word, “No. They are not your sons. They are my husband’s children. His sons. Our sons. They carry his name on their birth certificates. He was there when we made them and he was there when I gave birth to them.” Irene took a deep breath and looked at Mr. Summer, then finished speakin to Cool. “It was more than a year since we had made love before my second son was born.”
I can tell you this, and it’s a fact! That woman was tellin the truth! Yes siree mam! And I could tell by the look on Cool’s face that he couldn’t remember when he had last made sex with her because he had been makin sex with so many women all his grown life. Even went out of town for em when he was out of em in town.
Cool lunged at Irene and struck her! Mr. Summer was round that table like a lightnin flash and Joe was there right after, holdin on to Cool, who was so mad that slobber was sprayin from his mouth as he screamed at Irene, who he thought was destroyin his life and now . . . his pride, in front of his friends. He shouted, “Don’t you do this to me! Don’t you do this to me!!”
Mr. Summer was lifting Irene up, brushin her off and talkin low to her while Joe held Cool. But she still stood up to Cool, still didn’t holler back at him. That woman sure got patience!
Irene stepped back from the table as Mr. Summer picked up her chair and said to Cool, “I didn’t do nothin to you, Cool. You always do everything to yourself. I have done told you now, so . . . I got to go.”
Cool is so angry he is almost cryin, “You ain’t goin now! You done come in here and . . . and strip me of everything in my life!”
Irene had started away from the table, but now she turned back and her voice had a little anger in it this time. “Everything in your life?! You never been IN our life. We wasn’t nothin to you!”
The anger was leavin Cool’s voice and a little pleadin was comin in as he said, “Yes, you was! Yes . . . you . . . was. I was goin . . . to spend my old age with you and them kids. Irene, Irene.”
The Future Has a Past Page 23