Hesitation fueled my next words. “There are bad men and there are bad officers. Not all men or police officers are bad.”
Anger flared in her eyes. “How reassuring coming from someone who is everything I’ve hated and feared in my life, combined into one.”
For a second, I didn’t respond.
For a second, I didn’t move.
Then some mixture of amusement and frustration sounded in my chest as I stepped back and grabbed for the door. “Then why are you still on my porch, Emma Wade?”
Before she had the chance to react in any way, I shut and locked the door.
I stood there with my hand on the deadbolt as her last words replayed in my mind.
I’d had a girl years ago. A girl I’d thought I wanted to give the world to before she broke my heart. Ever since, there had been a string of women who were only interested in the uniform. Other than a night every now and then to release frustrations or needs when it all got to be too much, I’d wanted nothing to do with them.
For the first time in years, someone had caught my attention.
A girl with a sweet face and steel in her eyes . . . and she hated me for even breathing.
“He’s a cop.” The three words tasted sour leaving my tongue and snapped back at me from the walls of Lala’s kitchen.
They had been playing in my head again and again since I’d seen that uniform and badge, but I still couldn’t wrap my mind around it.
Reed’s a cop.
Disgusted.
Outraged.
Disappointed.
I couldn’t get a handle on the emotions filling my veins, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
I knew, I knew, I knew better than to do something as foolish as let myself want a man like Reed Ryan.
To want any man.
Yet, wanting him was exactly what I’d done since that first night . . . only to be slapped in the face with the reality that he was worse than I ever could’ve imagined.
A fucking cop.
I’d woken to the sound of banging on the door.
Hard, incessant banging.
My heart had already been racing, my body tensed and ready for a fight that wasn’t mine. I’d woken to that so many times in my life and had distantly wondered how many more nights like that we would have to endure.
People wanting what they felt was owed to them. Demanding back whatever Momma had stolen from them. Men wanting nothing more than a woman they could use for a few minutes before leaving.
Worse, when they decided to stay.
“This is the police, open up.”
I’d scrambled from the makeshift bed, my already-racing heart flying so fast I’d been sure it would take off out of my chest.
Because those . . . those was the worst of them all.
Momma’s name had been on my tongue, already prepped for a whisper, but by the time I’d scrambled to the main section of the RV, she’d been swinging the door open.
“Officer.” Her voice had been husky, the word slightly slurred.
A bright beam had shone through our home, stopping on me for a few moments before going back to my mother’s face.
“We’ve been getting calls about suspicious activity in this vehicle. Suspicious people coming and going all hours of the night.”
Momma had lifted a shoulder, causing the sleeve of the shirt she was wearing to fall off of it. “Ain’t no idea what you’re talking about. Seeing as it’s night and the only person here besides us is you.”
There had been a beat of silence before the officer asked, “Mind if I search the place?”
Momma had taken a step toward him to block the entrance. “And if I do?”
“Not up for discussion.”
After a second’s hesitation, she’d stumbled back as he’d come barging in, turning on the lights as he did.
My heart had sunk and stomach twisted when the first thing his eyes touched were the lines of coke Momma had left on the table and the empty baggies next to them.
Not again, not again, not again.
I’d never wanted that life. I was only there because Momma had dragged me along so I would take care of her and clean up her messes and pick up the pieces of her fucked-up life. So she could use me as a pawn in her game.
The officer had glanced from my mom to me, his eyes lingering on me for a long while before he’d said, “I would love to hear the excuse for this one.”
Lala turned from her place at the sink at the sound of me storming in, towel in hand and genuine surprise at my anger sprinkled across her face. “Who’s a cop?”
“Who else?” The sound that climbed up my throat might have been a laugh, but I couldn’t be sure because it was wrong. So wrong. Tarnished with every memory that was clawing at my brain and trying to mold itself to the image of Reed in a uniform. “Your precious Reed Ryan.”
“I know,” Lala said slowly, her brows lifting at the same leisurely pace. “I wasn’t aware his profession was something to be angry over or that it was a surprise considering who I feed on Thursdays.”
“First responders, Lala. You feed first responders.”
“A police officer is a first responder,” she needlessly reminded me.
“I know, but I thought he was a fireman or an EMT. Something else—anything other than a cop,” I seethed, my voice holding a hint of the desperation I felt. “You said he saved your life. You said he has saved countless others’.”
“All truth.”
“But it’s why I expected something else.”
“Well, now that isn’t my fault,” she said as if I were absurd. “And what does it matter if he’s—”
“Because they’re evil,” I cried out, my voice wavering and cracking when I continued. “Cops are evil and corrupt. Every single one of them.”
“It ain’t mine,” Momma had said automatically.
The officer had huffed a disbelieving laugh and looked at me again. “So, that makes it yours?”
“What? No!”
“Either it’s one of yours, or it’s both of yours.”
Momma had lifted her hands in the air as though she was washing her hands clean of the whole situation. “I told you, it ain’t mine.”
I’d pushed from the wall, fear and anger pulsing through me. “Momma, please.”
But she wouldn’t meet my stare. She’d just stood there, twitching and eyeing the lines like a woman dying.
“It isn’t mine,” I’d said adamantly. “I’ve never touched that shit in my life. Test me, I’m clean.”
“I’d have to take you down to the station for that.” The officer had leered at me. “If that’s what you want me to do, I’ll gladly put you in the back of my car.”
I’d hurried to put more distance between us. “No. No, I don’t—I didn’t do anything. I don’t want to go anywhere with you.”
He’d taken cuffs from his belt and sighed like the whole situation weighed heavily on him. “I told you how this was gonna work.”
“Momma.”
She’d tilted her head in my direction. “If I go, you got nowhere to go. No one to take care of you.”
“I have—”
“She’s dead,” she’d snapped.
She isn’t.
She isn’t, she isn’t. I have Lala.
The instant I felt a hand on my arm, I’d reacted.
Shoved my free hand against a Kevlar-covered chest and ripped away from the fingers gripping me. “Don’t touch me.”
It was instinctive after years of men touching me and taking things from me they had no right to.
Horror had ripped through me as I’d stumbled back and looked into the stunned and determined eyes of the officer.
“I believe that’s assault on an officer.”
“No. No, it’s—I—” My breaths came too fast. Too shallow. “I didn’t mean to.”
His stare had slowly raked over me. Emotions I knew too well shifted through them. Want. Lust. Need.
All things that shouldn’t b
e in his eyes. Not in that situation. Not when I was only fourteen years old.
“You know . . . I’m feeling a little generous tonight.”
Oh God, no.
Lala just watched me with a mixture of dread and understanding as though my outburst had given her a crucial piece of my world that she’d been searching for.
“No, they’re not.”
I whirled around at the soft voice to find Nora standing a handful of feet behind me, holding a stuffed dog close to her chest and looking as angry as I could imagine her being.
“They’re not,” she repeated. “And my Reed’s not. He’s the bravest and best and he’s so special. And you shouldn’t say mean things about him.”
“I—” I blew out a harsh breath and curled my hands into fists, trying like hell to keep my voice calm and even when I responded to her. “Nora, this is an adult conversation.”
She made a little move as if she were gathering up her strength to continue defending her Reed, but just looked to Lala.
“Emma’s right, sweetheart. Why don’t you go play or color?”
“I can have talks about my Reed,” she said stubbornly. “I’m a big girl!”
“Nora,” Lala said firmly.
Nora stood her ground for a few more moments before leaving, looking equally upset and angry.
I turned back to Lala as she sighed and rubbed at her head. “I can’t imagine what happened to make you say those words, Emma . . . I just can’t. But it tears me up inside to see that hatred and fear in you because I know where it comes from. And that’s what I hate—that you were subjected to that life at all.”
I steeled my jaw when hers trembled, as if I could give her the strength I’d maintained over the years. The strength to will away tears and emotions that threatened to drag me under when I’d always refused to drown.
“However, it isn’t fair to say what you said,” she continued, her voice thick and shaky. “You’re being prejudiced. The majority of the police officers in the world are good. And you can be damn sure one of them is Reed Ryan.”
“Oh Jesus.” The words were a whispered curse. “You’re blind, Lala. You’re blind to them. You’re blinded by him. I told you that he was trouble—I told you. I could see it.”
“You’re seeing what you want to see.” There was that Wade strength, backing each clipped word that left her mouth. Giving them bite. “You’re seeing whatever hell you were put through. You’re seeing a life you never should’ve been exposed to, and you’re projecting it onto others. You can’t go through life that way, Emma.”
Some mix of a scoff and a sneer pushed past my lips as I turned to leave the kitchen. Two steps later, I whirled around, chest heaving, teeth clenched so tightly it made my jaw ache.
Lala stood tall and proud, waiting for whatever it was I would say next.
But when I spoke, the harsh delivery I’d planned came out frail and soft. “If you had spent a week in my shoes, you wouldn’t be saying that to me. The thought wouldn’t even enter your mind.”
I’d backed up until I was against the wall, my body tensed and prepared for a fight I wasn’t sure I could win.
Of the countless times Momma had been arrested, there were a few times she hadn’t. A few I remembered with sickening clarity. And they’d all started like that—only their attention had been on her.
The officer’s eyes had settled where my shirt ended on my bare thighs. “You offer something worthwhile, and I’ll forget everything that happened here tonight. Everything I saw.”
My teeth had clenched so tightly I’d been sure they would shatter. “I’m fourteen, you sick fuck.”
The man’s eyes had darted to my face. The hunger there didn’t lessen, but a question arose. “Now, why do I have a feeling that isn’t true?”
He’d rocked forward, but my mom had grabbed his arm, saying, “You want somethin’, then you got me tonight.” Glaring at me as if I’d tried to take what was hers.
The officer had looked from her to me and then back again. After a hesitant nod, he’d jerked his chin in the direction of the lone room of our RV. My room.
Once Momma was headed there, his focus had returned to me. “You talk about this, I’ll come back for both of you,” he’d said in a low warning tone. “You scream, I’ll come up with enough charges to make sure neither of you sees the outside of a prison for a damn long time. Understood?”
My head had moved in rough jerks, but I didn’t speak.
I’d just tried to disappear into the thin, hollow wall as he’d pushed past me and followed Momma into my room. Once the flimsy door had shut behind him, I’d forced myself away from the spot I’d been rooted in and fumbled for the radio, hurrying to power it on and turn it up. Anxious to drown out the noises that would soon come from the room.
Once the radio DJ’s voice was filling the small RV and fading into a song, I’d taken slow, calming breaths, then started the methodical process of cleaning up Momma’s mess while she’d kept herself out of jail.
For that night, at least.
I stormed out of the kitchen and up the stairs, forcing back the haunting memories and shattered screams that always accompanied me whenever I set foot on those steps, gripping the railing tightly until I was safely on the second floor.
I hadn’t been in my room for more than a few minutes before I heard Lala making her way across the wood floors. I looked expectantly at my opened doorway, waiting for when she would appear there, and was surprised to see her chin raised defiantly once she did.
“I guess I’m just surprised.”
When she didn’t continue, I bit. “By what?”
“By you,” she said, her expression and tone thoughtful. “You’ve had a lot of strong opinions about Reed Ryan since you first met him.” She lifted her shoulders in the barest hint of a shrug as if the thought had just crossed her mind. “I noticed you aren’t only exceedingly mad at his choice in profession, but you’re also saddened and disappointed by it—disappointed in him. Odd reaction to have for someone who doesn’t care.”
“I don’t care.”
A disbelieving hum sounded in the back of Lala’s throat.
“I don’t. He’s nothing to me,” I said stubbornly. “I’ve told you that he was trouble, and that’s it. I have opinions because I’ve been around men like him. If they’re strong, it’s because he keeps confirming those notions, yet you refuse to see who he really is.”
“And the disappointment?” she challenged.
“I’m not,” I said in exasperation, praying she couldn’t hear the lie.
Because I was.
I was disappointed that he so perfectly made up everything I hated while still making me want him. I was disappointed in myself for wanting him at all.
“Ah,” Lala said with a nod. “Of course. You’re right, I must have been imagining things.”
From her expression to her conspiratorial tone, I knew there wasn’t a chance she believed me.
“I must have imagined the way he can never take his eyes off you,” she said with an exaggerated sigh. “I guess I also imagined the way you steal glances at him and maybe also the way you always smile when he laughs.”
My heart began racing as mortification and denial rushed through me.
I’d known she had been attempting to meddle in things she shouldn’t. I just hadn’t realized I’d been letting my unwelcome emotions slip to the surface.
I hadn’t known Lala had seen anything she wasn’t meant to.
She placed the tips of her fingers to her temple. “This old girl is just seeing things, I guess.”
“Lala, he’s . . .”
“Nothing to you,” she offered, the words nearly sounding like a question. “Yes, I heard you. So, then you wouldn’t mind if he were to, say, date someone?”
I swallowed the response that was quick to form because I honestly wasn’t sure what would’ve left my lips once I opened them. If my tongue would betray me at the last moment.
Because I’
d found myself craving Reed all too often. I’d begun fantasizing about him the first moment I saw him. And—even though I’d been trying to embarrass him—the second I’d moaned his name, my need for him mixed with my contempt. Both nearly impossible to ignore. Both growing until they nearly consumed me.
Wanting to know what he felt like. Tasted like.
Needing him to know exactly how much I detested him.
Leaving me empty and frustrated and confused when I’d finally succeeded with the latter this afternoon on his porch.
But it was for the best, wasn’t it? Because I’d already foolishly allowed myself to entertain even the thought of him. And I was still struggling to answer a question that should have been simple.
All I needed to say was no, and the conversation could be over.
No, I wouldn’t mind.
No, I wouldn’t care.
He can fuck every single woman in Colby, for all I care.
Easy. It should have been easy.
Except those lies felt harder than any of the others I’d told my grandma about Reed because the others had been tangled and encircled in truths or my pride. This? Lala already knew she’d caught me with this.
Her eyes were narrowed on me, seeming to capture every movement, every breath, every thought.
“There’s quite a line here in Colby of girls vying for Reed’s attention,” Lala said. “One, in particular, has been trying to catch his eye. I think she’d be good for him—many people in town agree.”
A surge of discontent swirled through my stomach and chest, but I cleared my throat, my head bobbing as I said, “That’s good then.”
“And that wouldn’t bother you?” Before I could even attempt to respond, she took a step into the room and added, “Seeing him with someone? Here in this house even?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because you are lying to yourself to protect your heart, and it’s about time you stopped.”
My eyelids slipped shut. “Lala . . .”
“Give Reed a chance.”
“I can’t,” I said immediately. “Lala, he is—God, he’s everything I hate.”
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