by Dyan Sheldon
(7) Three lots of bath stuff from Body Shop. (One from Flynn, one from Marcus and one from David. They must have all asked Disha what aroma I like because they’re all Raspberry Ripple. This could be a problem, because Raspberry Ripple doesn’t exactly fit with the Dark Phase. White Musk would be better.)
What I didn’t get was an electric razor. God knows I dropped enough hints. And I practically BLEED TO DEATH every time I shave my legs. But I suppose I should’ve known I had as much chance of getting an electric razor as I had of getting a car. Even though Sigmund throws a MEGA wobbly every time I borrow his razor, and is ALWAYS championing women and blathering on about what a feminist he is because sometimes he washes the dishes and stuff like that, he isn’t v interested in female things. (I once asked him to get me some pads while he was in the chemist’s and he practically went into cardiac arrest!) And I get no sympathy for that sort of thing from the MC either. Not only is she related to Sappho (who has hair under her ARMS!!!), but she’s so far beyond being a sexual object that she’s pretty much into the chimp look herself.
Oh, yes, and I also got (8) this excruciatingly cool top from Disha (it’s black with the outline of a bat in purple glitter – V DARK!).
BOXING DAY
Disha had to go to her aunt’s for dinner and her father made her leave her mobe at home. (D says getting a mobe isn’t exactly the modern equivalent of getting your own spear because nobody was going to take your spear away from you because you used it too much, were they?) Anyway, since I’m stuck all alone in the House of Horror I reckon this is a good time to put you in the picture re ME!
VITAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME:
Name: Janet Foley Bandry.
Age: Sixteen years and almost two months.
What I’m Like: I’m outgoing, but I can be quiet and v thoughtful – I don’t consider myself superficial at all. I like to think about life and all the BIG questions a lot. Everybody says I have a wicked sense of humour. (I believe laughter is v important. I mean, what do you have if you don’t have laughter? You have tears.) I’m interested in EVERYTHING, except things that are BORING. I’m pretty sure I’m heterosexual, even though there’s lesbianism in the family and Sigmund’s cousin Bryan is married to a bloke named Ethan. But I’m not just a thinker. I’m an action person too and I am planning a life that is full of Romance and Adventure.
Parents: The Mad Cow, Jocelyn Bandry, forty-five if she’s a day, teacher (it’s just like they say: those who can’t do anything, teach); and Sigmund, Robert Bandry, fifty-five, some sort of psychotherapist.
Siblings: The Biggest Argument for Abortion, Justin Bandry, eighteen, dweeble and general cosmic fungus.
Favourite Colours: They used to be red and blue when I was younger, but now that I’m more mature and about to embark upon my Dark Phase they’re black and purple.
Favourite Foods:
(1) Hamburgers with lots of stuff on them.
(2) Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
(3) Chips (esp. with gravy).
(4) Fried chicken.
(5) Smoked salmon with cream cheese. I’ve only had this once, at Disha’s, because it’s too excruciatingly sophisticated for my family (who think a shred of paper towel is a serviette), but I really loved it (proving yet again that I was meant for greater things!).
Favourite Subjects in School: English and art.
Favourite Things in the Universe:
(1) My Best Friend, Disha Paski.
(2) Books.
(3) Films.
(4) Music.
(5) Hanging out with my mates.
(6) Exploring other dimensions and stuff like that.
(7) LIFE!!!
(8) Cats. It’s no mystery why the Egyptians worshipped them, is it? They’re not soppy and weak like dogs, but strong and v independent, qualities I definitely admire.
(Other things I really like are rainy nights, the moon, plain Bounty bars, tortilla chips, triple chocolate mousse, really big jumpers, silk, cold sheets, watching telly in the dark, pigs etc.)
Most Hated Things in the Universe:
(1) PE and the Anti-Barbie (Mrs don’t-get-your-knickers-in-a-twist Wist, my PE teacher).
(2) Science.
(3) Maths.
(4) Anything boring.
(5) Catriona Hendley.
(6) Cruelty and injustice.
Life Ambition: I’m not sure yet. I reckon I can work that out once I’m at university – if I go. I may go to art school instead, even though Justin goes to art school, which is hardly a recommendation. (Personally I think calling what Justin does art is pushing it. I mean, anybody can take a photo. We’ve got ALBUMS full of the bloody things, to prove my point. People don’t queue for hours to see the Mona Lisa because da Vinci had a good camera, do they?) But I, of course, do not merely take photos; I’m a painter, so art’s still a v definite possibility. On the other hand, literature is also a possibility. (I lean more towards literature because there are quite a few Great Women Writers but all the Great Artists are men. I don’t see much point in entering a field with such limited potential.) On the other hand, maybe I’ll travel and find myself in India or Australia or some place like that instead, which is something both artists and writers often do.
Some Things That Really Annoy Me:
(1) My family.
(2) Women with pushchairs (you can’t move without tripping over one).
(3) Pop music.
(4) People who pick their noses on the bus etc.
(5) People who talk to themselves out loud in public.
(6) People who never listen to what other people are saying (esp. if the people not being listened to are in their teens).
(7) Catriona Hendley.
That’s not absolutely everything, and I do change my mind (which is, of course, a sign of personal growth as well as a Creative Nature), but it gives you a rough idea.
WEDNESDAY 27 DECEMBER
Two whole days of family festivities is about all I can bear without applying for citizenship in another country, so since Disha was dragged to Kent to see some old gene-sharer I sought refuge at Sara Dancer’s. Sara Dancer lives with her dad because she had this GINORMOUS fight with her mother in the summer and her mother said that if she hated it so much living with her she should go and live with her father. Sara says her father’s not exactly COOL (he’s an accountant) but it’s a lot less stressful living with him than with her mother because he doesn’t give a toss if there are dishes in the sink etc. Sara says the difference between living with a male parent and a female parent is like the difference between buying your groceries in a superstore and in the corner shop. Sara Dancer says she thinks she may DO IT soon. She says she can’t stop thinking about sex, so why not? I said because she never has more than two dates with the same boy, and she agrees that this is her MAJOR stumbling block. And also she reckons that though it would be easy to do it with the Johnny Depp of Sleepy Hollow, and maybe with Russell Crowe, she’s not so sure about anyone she actually knows. Which is probably just as well since Sara’s mother would kill her if Sara did it and she found out.
Talked to D on my mobe after she got home from her mission of mercy, which was (surprise, surprise) incredibly boring. (D says she doesn’t know how ANYONE could live anywhere but London but I pointed out that true Creative Spirits can draw inspiration from anywhere. Look at Van Gogh – he was always doing flowers.) Wound up having a v intense conversation. D says it’s no wonder that Sara can’t stop thinking about SEX since it’s always being pushed in your face. Songs about sex, ads using sex, films about sex. It just goes on and on… Disha says she reckons if everybody had good sex (or even bad sex) on a regular basis they wouldn’t need to talk about it all the time. I asked D if she thinks it’s man’s nature to deceive himself, and she says Shakespeare’s always banging on about that. D says I’m definitely going to be a natural at the Dark Phase. I think I must have what Sigmund calls “a low libido” (apparently another thing I can thank the Mad Cow for), because I’m
not sex mad at all. What I think about a lot more than sex is Falling in Love. I want it to be like Romeo and Juliet or Jane Eyre and Mr Rochester. I want to be swept away by Passion, a hopeless fool for Love! (Not like Willow’s friend Samantha, who seems to get swept away every time some bloke buys her dinner.) Disha agrees with me about love and passion, of course, but she says she’s afraid we may have a long wait before we find men who inspire those feelings. She says look at the boys at school – most of them couldn’t inspire a drop of water from a rain cloud. I said not even Flynn or Marcus? Disha says she likes them both as people, and she does see that each in his way is more attractive than most of them, but she once saw Marcus run a piece of dental floss from one nostril to the other, which pretty much deleted passion from that menu. And she’s not TOTALLY sure about Flynn, but at least he doesn’t wear trainers, which is so très passé. (I mean, really, the parents both own a pair!)
THURSDAY 28 DECEMBER
Went to get the paint for my room today. Disha couldn’t come because her mother was pissed off about something and made her stay in to help her with the housework. (At least that’s one thing the MC wouldn’t even consider! She learned her lesson the time she made me do the vacuuming and the Hoover caught fire.) There was this V OBNOXIOUS man on the bus who told me off because I was talking to Disha on my mobe. I couldn’t believe it! He said I should get a life instead of spending my parents’ hard-earned money telling my friends I was on a bus. I told him I already had a LIFE, and it included being part of the age of communication, and that he was the one who should get a life instead of butting in on someone’s private conversation. People are TOO MUCH! Really. It’s no wonder the sensitive suffer.
Stopped at the bookshop on the way home. I reckoned this would be a good time to read one of the books Ms Staples is always talking about. Deep, meaningful, angst-filled modern classics are her speciality. I got The Outsider by Albert Camus because Ms Staples says he was into the absurdness of life, and because I definitely identify with the title (the Spiritually and Creatively Gifted are always on the outside, aren’t they?). And also because it was about three thousand pages shorter than Ulysses (another of Ms Staples’s favourites).
FRIDAY 29 DECEMBER
I’m absolutely exhausted! Marcus, David and Flynn came round to help me and Disha paint my room today. I could only find three rollers, so Disha and I did the woodwork with brushes. It looks well wicked! We did the walls purple and the woodwork black. It’s v sophisticated, but powerful and moody at the same time. You can imagine someone sitting in it, writing poetry and listening to jazz. (Which, of course, is what I plan to do!)
Started The Outsider. The narrator’s mother dies on page one, which seems promising. I fell asleep though before I could get any further. Thank God I didn’t get Ulysses, or I’d be reading it for the rest of my life!!!
SATURDAY 30 DECEMBER
This really is going to be a year of incredible maturity. I had my first BRUSH WITH THE LAW today! Willow gave me ten quid to take Jupiter (son of Willow) and Mars (dog of Willow) to the park for a couple of hours so she could have her hair and nails done for the New Year. (Willow may be a hippy but she’s pretty desperate for a boyfriend, so she cares about her appearance.) You can see why I call Willow the Dippy Hippy. Can you imagine naming someone you’re meant to love Jupiter? I mean, if you want to RUIN someone’s life! And also I think it’s affected him v badly. Jupiter’s only six, but he’s already a sex pervert. He’s always trying to rub against you or grope your breasts. It’s so disgusting. I’ve learned never to sit down when he’s in the room (once I actually went home with a chocolate handprint on my left breast). Anyway, Mars found this stick that was almost as big as he is and insisted on dragging it home. We weren’t in the flat five minutes when a copper turned up at the door, threatening to arrest me for removing public property from the park! Is this what we pay taxes for? Fortunately Willow came home before me, Mars and Jupiter were actually taken away in handcuffs. She’s a lot like Sappho in some ways. Authority figures don’t intimidate her. She told the policeman he should be out hunting criminals, not harassing innocent dogs and children. Then she threatened to report him and he said he could report her for child neglect for leaving Jupiter with someone as irresponsible as ME!!! So then Willow threatened to go to the media with the story.
My family have the aesthetics of wildebeests – which probably isn’t v fair to wildebeests. Not one of them appreciates the new decor of my room. The Mad Cow said it reminded her of a whorehouse. I asked her if she was saying this from previous experience, or if she was just basing it on her wide knowledge of whorehouses in general, and she told me I wasn’t half as funny as I thought I was (how original is that?!!). Nan said that she would never have been allowed to get away with painting her room like that When She Was a Girl. I said I was surprised she could remember that far back.
MONDAY 1 JANUARY
A NEW YEAR BEGINS!
WE EMBRACE LIFE ANEW!
D and I were invited to a Bruce Lee Festival at Marcus’s for New Year’s Eve but we declined. Even though I find boys can be pretty interesting on their own, when you get a few of them together their maturity level collapses in a v alarming way. They think a car chase is intellectually challenging. Disha agrees. She says it sometimes strikes her as absolutely amazing that all of the Great Thinkers are men. It doesn’t really seem possible. So since Disha’s parents went out last night, D and I spent a quiet New Year’s Eve at hers. In anticipation of this momentous upcoming year, we both wore black jeans and tops, and black lipstick and eyeshadow. The effect was excruciatingly DP. There was a bottle of white wine in the fridge, and Disha said we could take it because her parents had had so much to drink over the last week they wouldn’t notice. I’d nicked a couple of fags from Sigmund’s LAST pack (this time he says he really is giving up for good). We don’t smoke, of course (never mind the heart disease etc., have you SEEN what nicotine does to your TEETH?), but we reckoned it was a special occasion so we should try it the once. (And also MASSES of Great Artists and Writers have been addicted to tobacco as well as alcohol, so we reckoned it was fitting for the beginning of the Dark Phase.) Disha managed a whole one, but I was coughing too much to exactly enjoy it, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. But the wine was great. (If I have to be addicted to something because of my Creative Spirit I would definitely prefer white wine to something that could give you cancer and ruin your smile. Plus Willow says white wine’s NOT FATTENING, and everything else I like is!!! We lit a bunch of candles and some incense, found a jazz programme on the radio, and sat on the floor of Disha’s room. We talked for HOURS. Mainly about life. It was all v deep and intense, and v intellectual. Disha said it was too bad the wine wasn’t one of those bottles in a straw basket, since that was much more Dark Phase than Chardonnay, but I said wine was the drink of intellectuals no matter what it was in. D puked in her waste bin in the middle of the night, but the wine must’ve knocked me out because I didn’t hear her. Neither of us even had a headache today. But Disha told her mum she thought she had a touch of flu, so she didn’t even have to clean out the waste bin herself.
I don’t believe in making New Year’s resolutions. I believe in constant and continuous personal growth. My parents, being très mundane, make resolutions every year – and usually break them by noon on January first. So, this isn’t a resolution, but one thing I am going to do this year is listen to more jazz. Disha and I really enjoyed the programme on the radio last night, even though a lot of the time there wasn’t any tune you could actually recognize. But that’s because jazz is the music of the intellectual, so it’s meant to be like that. In our house all that’s usually played is the music of the bourgeois (Sigmund’s Capital Gold and the MC’s classical tapes) and the depraved (the noise Justin listens to). And also I’m going on a diet. It’s not like I’m OBESE or anything, but artists, writers and intellectuals in a Dark Phase tend to be lean. (Disha said that’s because they’re usually too poor to eat, but
I pointed out that the artist who sold her bed to Saatchi and Saatchi isn’t poor, and Disha said that just because someone put your bed in a gallery didn’t make you Rembrandt, who anyway was FAT. I hope she’s not going to spend the Dark Phase being argumentative.)
When I got back to the House of Horror, the MC and Sigmund had had another MAJOR ROW. I knew as soon as I got into the flat because Jupiter was watching telly in the living-room and the MC and Willow were muttering darkly in the kitchen. Sigmund only emerged from the Bunker for supper, and they didn’t say a word to each other for the whole meal. Personally I prefer it when they’re not speaking since at least it’s quiet.
TUESDAY 2 JANUARY
Life really is v ironic, isn’t it? (This is something I’ve been noticing more and more lately.) Every morning during term I drag myself out of bed and listen to the news hoping that a small fire’s closed my school for at least one day, but when it’s the holidays I’m BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!! Disha, of course, feels exactly the same. She says she’s finding the holiday stultifying (meaning it’s turning her brain into oatmeal). I asked her where she got that word from and she said that just shows how bad it is, doesn’t it? She’s started reading the dictionary for fun. Thank God Flynn rang up and said everybody was hanging out at David’s this afternoon if we’d like to come along. Do birds like to fly? Not only were we DYING to get out of the house, but this was our Dark Phase debut, so to speak. (Disha got a red leather jacket for Xmas, which is unfortunate since even though it’s cooler than ice it RUINS the effect. Thank God my boots are black.) The Mad Cow wanted to know if I was going to a funeral (is that funny, or what?!!), and Sigmund said no, it was just the way creatures on my planet dress (surely I must’ve been adopted!). It took me and D so long to get totally ready that by the time we got to David’s Flynn had already gone home! After inviting us and everything. It’s too much, really. Except for David (who said we looked v Morticia Addams), none of the others even noticed our new look! They were too busy stuffing their faces and playing the PlayStation game David got for Xmas, which was V BORING, esp. if you were practically starving to death. It made me think about the power of telly and stuff like that. Their reality’s totally distorted. You should’ve heard them banging on about tactics like they were crack SAS troops and not teenage boys who can’t get across London without an A–Z. My feet were hurting a bit from my new boots and my stomach was starting to growl (all I’d had all day was ONE slice of DRY toast and two v small apples) and D looked like she might fall asleep, so we decided to leave. Fortunately I’ve had new boots before, so I’d thought to bring a pair of shoes with me. I changed as soon as we got out of the house and was able to walk home without doing my feet any permanent damage, even though I didn’t look as cool. I was RAVENOUS by the time I got home, of course. I stood at the counter and ate half a packet of water biscuits, which I reckon is OK since they don’t have any fat in them. Not so sure about the cheese.