by Dyan Sheldon
THURSDAY 22 FEBRUARY
Made another attempt at my story for the school mag this morning, but writing is A LOT harder than it looks. I was pretty relieved when David rang up. He was bored too. So in the end I hung out with Marcus, David, Siranee, Disha, Flynn etc. at David’s. I took the opportunity to try and get some information out of Flynn about what’s happening with Catriona when we had a few minutes alone. I started out by asking him if he got any valentines and he actually blushed! Busted!!! (It was really v Sweet and Endearing. Like when you see some guy built like an American football player with a baby. I don’t know why that should seem so sweet – I see dozens of women with babies every day and all I think is that’s their youth and figure gone.) I said I got one too, to encourage him, and he didn’t say anything. Then I asked him who he thought his was from, and he smiled (he has one of those v attractive lopsided smiles) and said he had an idea but he wasn’t going to say. I was about to start wheedling when the others came back. Better luck next time.
Disha said did I notice that Marcus and Flynn seemed a bit cool to each other at David’s, and I said no. D said REALLY? I asked her if she was trying to make some point, and she said no, she was just saying because the DP has got her into the habit of thinking and noticing things. I reminded her that we’re meant to be noticing things with profound significance, not mundane details.
I’ve spent a lot of the half-term going though all the possibilities, and I really think my valentine must have been from Elvin. It was too soppy for Marcus. And I KNOW I’m right about Flynn being interested in the Hendley. Who else is there? This is the first time anyone’s sent me one, and it’s the first time I’ve known Elvin. The logic seems pretty irrefutable to me. So, since he obviously is interested in me (having more or less said so), I’ve decided to be one of those new women you’re always reading about in the colour supplements and not wait for him to ring me about the bike ride. After all, maybe he forgot. He is a film-maker. You wouldn’t expect Spielberg to remember he once asked you to go on a bike ride, would you?
I don’t think being twins can be healthy. Either S&S don’t speak to me at all because they live in their own little Twin World, or they won’t shut up, and talk in stereo. Tonight they were banging on about their father again. Apparently he’s bigger than my father, stronger than my father, cleverer than my father and even better looking than my father. God they’re exhausting! I ask you, who would be young? How tedious and infantile their minds are. I tried to ignore them. After all, I couldn’t really argue with them – they are mere children – and, anyway, since I’ve never met their dad (because he’s been inside all the time I’ve known Mrs Kennedy) they may be right as far as I know. (The DP is also helping me develop an open mind.) Then Shane said their dad could beat my dad up, and Shaun said too right. I asked them why he would want to do that, and they said BECAUSE. Could I ever have been like that? It really doesn’t seem possible. Sigmund was still up when I got back, so I told him how weird they’ve been lately. I reckoned, since he’s Mrs Kennedy’s therapist and all, he’d be interested, and he was. He went into this long blah blah blah about the way twins relate, and their imaginations, and how you can’t really believe much they say, especially twins who have been through as much as Shane and Shaun and have to pretty much make up a father. And he thinks I talk a lot!!! As per usual, I was v sorry I’d brought it up. I said all I really wanted to know was if he thought they could be on medication. Sigmund said the only person he suspects of being on medication is me. You can see what I’m up against. And he expects me to have serious conversations with him!
FRIDAY 23 FEBRUARY
Since the McDonald’s incident, I’ve been reluctant to hang out with the boys anywhere too public, just in case we run into Elvin (which, with my LUCK, would be bound to happen), because even though it does men good to think that other men are interested in you, I don’t want to overdo it. You know, I don’t want it to backfire and actually DISCOURAGE him. But today I broke down and said I’d go to the bookshop with Flynn. He said if I’d finished the Camus he could recommend something else. It was a tricky situation. If I said I’d finished The Outsider I’d have to tell him what I thought of it, but if I said I hadn’t he’d think there was something wrong with me since it’s not exactly LONG. But then GENIUS struck! I told him I’d finished it but was going to read it again, so I could fully appreciate all its subtleties. I said I didn’t feel I could discuss it after just one reading. He seemed v impressed. No sooner did I hang up than Marcus rang. What was I doing, blah blah blah? I said I was going to the bookshop so he said he’d come too. Then it occurred to me that I could EASILY bump into Elvin in a bookshop, so I asked Disha if she wanted to come too. When we got there Flynn was pretty quiet, but I reckoned that was because he was in literary mode (you should’ve seen the book he bought – it’s thick as a brick!). Anyway, Marcus was in good form so we had some laughs. And we didn’t meet Elvin.
My good mood evaporated almost as soon as I got in the flat. The MC was in my room AGAIN! This time she said she had a migraine (which might’ve had a shred of truth in it, since she didn’t exactly look like a piece of art) and it was the only place she could lie down in Privacy and Peace. I said what about Justin’s room; he hasn’t sold his bed, has he? And listen to what she said!!! She said Justin needs SPACE because of his photography. And what about me?!! I’m an artist, or maybe a writer. I said how am I ever going to finish my story for the school magazine if I don’t have any PRIVACY AND PEACE? And then you know what she said? She said J.K. Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter in a café so she didn’t see what I was making such a fuss about!
SATURDAY 24 FEBRUARY
Is this injustice or what? Apparently, when Justin got his black eye he also lost his new camera. And is Justin being punished for this carelessness? Is he being treated like a pariah? Is he scorned and grumbled at and told over and over how much things cost and how no one’s ever going to buy him anything again? NO, HE ISN’T! He’s been bought another camera! Sappho’s right. There is no equality between men and women. Not in this house at least!!!
SUNDAY 25 FEBRUARY
Finally got around to hanging my wind chimes outside my bedroom window. They’re absolutely brilliant! I lie on my bed, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling and listening to my chimes as though I’m camping in the Himalayas, watching the night sky and hearing the temple bells ringing in the distance. As some day, perhaps, I will!!! (Must check out what the scorpion situation is in the Himalayas before I go, though.)
MONDAY 26 FEBRUARY
A black star hangs over me! The curse of a whole coven of witches envelops me! You doubt that? Well, guess what’s happened now! I’m the bold, innovative trendsetter who has her nose pierced and gets a dangerous infection as a result – and Catriona Hendley goes and gets a ring put through her lip like she invented body piercing! (You will notice that she did it DURING HALF-TERM – probably on the first day!!! That way, if it went septic and her lip swelled up like a Zeppelin no one would ever know. Talk about deception and treachery. I’m sure if William Shakespeare were to come back to life and run into Catriona Hendley on the high street he’d think she was Lady Macbeth in a short skirt and knee-high boots. “Gadzooks!” he’d cry. “You’re back!”) Everybody was hanging around talking about Catriona’s lip before the bell. I told them about facial rings being a sign of slavery and oppression. I said I took my nose ring out as soon as I found out. Catriona said she reckoned lips rings were different. She said she wasn’t really sure about kissing with it though. Someone said he’d be happy to help out if she wanted to practise, and everybody laughed, including Flynn. He’s obviously a better actor than you would have thought! It’s good news about the kissing though. That should slow down her moves on Elvin a bit too.
TUESDAY 27 FEBRUARY
Disha had some V DEPRESSING NEWS. Elvin came by hers last night with Catriona Hendley! How could he do that? I feel as if someone’s rollerbladed across my heart.
He knows Disha’s my best friend! Did he think I wouldn’t find out? That I wouldn’t be excruciatingly hurt? That the Hopes of My Love wouldn’t be dashed against the craggy rocks of Catriona Hendley’s common good looks? Disha says it wasn’t like they were holding hands or anything. He just brought her along because they’re such OLD friends and he wanted to show her his award-winning documentary on cats, which (apparently) he left with Calum. I am not consoled. That’s how these things start. One day they’re joking around like brother and sister and the next he’s sticking his tongue down her throat.
WEDNESDAY 28 FEBRUARY
I think Justin must have a girlfriend because a girl called asking for “Just” (I was so surprised I said, “Just what?”), and when I asked him who it was he said, “No one” (which is pretty ironclad proof if you ask me). The MC says I’m getting carried away by my vivid imagination (as usual!!!). She says this girl’s probably just a friend. She says Justin has lots of female friends. Strange but true!!! Geek Boy’s always had lots of girls hanging round him, but he’s never gone out with any of them. I said I reckoned it must be time that changed. Why else was he nicking my underwear? And, anyway, as hard as it might be to believe that ANYONE from the human species could be interested in Justin, there was something in this girl’s voice that sounded POSSESSIVE – and also suggested SEX (and if that isn’t a thought to sober up every wild party in London, I don’t know what is). I know from waiting at airports etc. that some of the most unattractive people imaginable find partners (look no further than the parent Bandrys for proof!!!), so I think we have to accept that – though grossly improbable – it is not impossible that a female might be interested in my brother. She’s probably a right tart.
THURSDAY 1 MARCH
Nearly had another encounter with the Anti-Barbie. Sara Dancer had a zit on her chin the size of a piece of fish gravel today, and the Anti-Barbie told her she looked awful! Right in front of everybody! Can you believe it? None of us could. It was shock and horror all round. Sara looked like she might cry. So I called out, “You’re not exactly a picture yourself, miss!” to lighten the tension. Fortunately everybody started laughing so much that she couldn’t tell who had said it. Serves her right, the old bag.
FRIDAY 2 MARCH
Went to Disha’s after school (again) hoping I might run into Elvin but he wasn’t there. The good news was that Calum wasn’t there either. I had another attack of genius. Maybe Calum had Elvin’s phone number written down somewhere. Disha said looking in Calum’s room for Elvin’s number was a waste of time. (Was I mad? He’s a BOY, for God’s sake. Did I think he kept an address book?) But I was convinced it was worth a try. She was right about the address book, but Calum, being a Serious Film-Maker, does keep a notebook! It was in his desk. Elvin’s number is written on the inside cover. Disha said it was too bad Calum didn’t keep a diary. She’d give her red leather jacket (which, obviously, she LOVES) to read it. I said that even if Justin knew how to write, I wouldn’t want to read his diary. I’d be afraid to. Knowing the superficial Justin Bandry is creepy enough without finding out his deepest secrets. Disha said yeah, but think of the v interesting bets we could make one another about what we would find in our brothers’ diaries. Disha said she bet Calum is seeing an older woman. I bet her that Justin has boils on his bum. We laughed so much we thought we were going to gasp our last!
We found two other V INTERESTING things in Calum’s desk: DRUGS (there was a lump of hash in a tin on top of his notebook) and ELVIN’S MOVIE (Purr Love – a film by Elvin A. Zagary). We debated what to do about the dope for about half a second, and then we decided that it should definitely be part of our intense, experience-seeking Dark Phase, so Disha hacked a bit off with Calum’s Swiss Army knife and wrapped it up in a few of the Rizlas that were also in the tin. She hid it under the rug in her room for future use. Then we watched Elvin’s movie. It really is about cats (!!!) – feral cats and the people who feed them. I have to say that I learned A LOT from it. You wouldn’t believe how many people there are skulking round with carrier bags of cat food and bowls and stuff. D said she not only found it très depressing, but she also felt she now knew more than was necessary about the relationship between loneliness, madness and felines. I, however, found it a disturbing but V MOVING and thought-provoking commentary on our times. All those poor cats. D said she never heard me call Mr Kipling a poor cat, but I pointed out that that’s because he isn’t – he’s a pampered pain in the bum.
SATURDAY 3 MARCH
Awake half the night worrying about where I can hide my diary. I’ve been keeping it in my laundry basket, under my dirty clothes, but it doesn’t seem very secure. (With her mood swings, the MC could suddenly decide to do the lot herself, never mind what she said about not being anybody’s skivvy.) I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. I mean, not only have I got the Mad Cow lying on my bed and snooping round when I’m not home, but I’ve got Justin bursting in whenever he feels like it to take pictures and nick my underwear and Nan wandering in when she forgets where the loo is. It’s like King’s Cross Station at rush hour. It goes without saying that NONE of these people respect my right to privacy. And also, in case you haven’t noticed, Sigmund still hasn’t got me my new door. Unless I rip up a floorboard, I can’t think of any place that’s REALLY safe to keep my diary. I have temporarily moved it to my closet, under a pile of stuffed toys. Even the MC doesn’t go in there since the time she opened the door and was buried under an avalanche of clothes. (Well, where did she think I was going to put everything? If it would all hang in the closet, it wouldn’t have been on the floor, would it?)
SUNDAY 4 MARCH
I DID IT!!! I rang up Elvin and asked him when he wanted to go for that bike ride. (Thank God he answered. I’ve had just about enough of mothers! I’m not sure I could cope with another one even if she is the woman who gave birth to such a remarkable son.) Elvin said we couldn’t go today, because it’s raining. So NEXT SATURDAY, weather permitting. I’m a little wary of trying a weather spell since obviously neither D nor I have enough Peace and Privacy in which to make one. Maybe I should get Nan to ask Jesus to make sure it’s not pissing down.
Had a v intensive self-improvement day in preparation for next Saturday. I even read Sigmund’s Observer so I’ll know what’s happening in the world if it comes up in conversation. (I reckon I don’t actually need to read up on the cinema, even though it’s Elvin’s great passion, since I’ve been watching films from before I was born.) And also I bought a jazz CD (Masters of Modern), partly because jazz is the music of the intellectual and partly because it was v cheap. I even did TWO sessions of yoga! I felt absolutely brilliant afterwards, but nobody tells you that yoga makes you fart, do they? You wouldn’t believe how much NOISE can come out of one body. How can people do it in a class? It must smell like any room Justin and Andrew have been in for more than five minutes. I reckon that’s why they burn incense.
MONDAY 5 MARCH
Late for school this morning because I fell back to sleep when I was doing my yoga (lying dead still is v relaxing!) and the Mad Cow didn’t wake me because she was busy! What sort of mother is so busy she forgets her own child?!! (What am I going to do if I DO turn into my mother? How will I ever live with myself?)
TUESDAY 6 MARCH
I’VE BEEN MUGGED! Can you even believe it? I HAVE BEEN MUGGED! IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!! I hate to say it, but Nan’s right. What IS the world coming to? Here’s what happened. I went to see this bike that was advertised in Loot after school. It’s not exactly state-of-the-art (it’s white, pink, lilac and rust), but it was only twenty quid (which seems to me a reasonable price for something you have to pedal). I took the overground after I bought the bike because it was MILES away and there was no way I was getting all sweaty riding it home. I was talking to Disha as I came out of the train station. (Lila’s NEVER allowed to have another party because this time someone threw up in the ficus. They’d covered it up with dead leaves, but Mrs Jenkins smelled it.) We were
trying to work out who the mysterious barfer might be. I had to stop for a second to get my bearings, and then I went left through the tunnel. That’s when it happened. Two boys were coming towards me, and I had to swerve a bit to avoid running into them. The bike sort of wobbled, and I was dealing with that (not easy with only one hand!) when two more boys came up behind me. One grabbed my phone and the other gave me a shove. I tore my best tights. The stripy ones Willow gave me for my birthday. I was so traumatized by falling over with the bike and all that, I didn’t even know my phone was gone until I’d calmed down. No one came over to help me up or anything, of course (this is definitely the age of selfishness!!!). And the irony is that I could have been saved. Flynn wanted to go to the library to work on our English project, but I said I couldn’t. Well, I couldn’t. I HAVE to have a bike by Saturday or I’m really going to have a problem. But if I could have that moment back, I’d make Flynn come with me to see the bike. I’m sure he would’ve done it. He’s very accommodating.