Always humble about her excellent cooking skills, Krishna’s mother blushed and waved it off. “Same recipe as always.” She smiled and then cleared her throat. “Honey, we’re a little concerned about you.”
She frowned and looked back and forth between her parents. “Why? What is there to worry about? I’m adjusting well, I like my job, and I’m getting off to a good start in school.”
Her father put down his fork and stepped into the conversation. “That’s all wonderful, Krishna, and we’re so proud of you I don’t even know how to express it. But it’s not your profession or your education that concern us. It’s your sudden lack of independence and a certain fear you have that just seems to surround you all the time. You used to be, I don’t know, more bubbly.”
Krishna gave him a doubtful look, and her mother interjected, “That’s the wrong word, honey.” Yes, it was. Krishna had never been ‘bubbly’ in her life. “I think what he means, sweetheart, is that you used to be positive, and you tackled everything with this beautiful confidence. But, lately, you seem like you’re afraid of your own shadow.”
She thought she’d done a good job of putting on her game face, but apparently not. Still, she refused to admit to her emotional turmoil. “I’m just in a transitional stage. If I’m bothering you and cutting in on your personal time, I will be just fine by myself in my apartment. I’m not clingy or codependent. I just thought that, since I had the time on my hands, it would be nice to spend it with you. If I’ve worn out my welcome, I can go and come back later next week for dinner.” She stood, pushing her chair back, but her father raised a hand to stop her.
“Please, Krishna, don’t leave. We’re not trying to upset you or be shrinks. We just wondered if something in particular is bothering you so we don’t worry.”
Of course something is bothering me. More than one man almost raped me, and then I lost the only person I ever loved to his own selfish needs and a bunch of violent, woman-hating bikers. I suffered through misogynistic comments and racial slurs just to get pushed out anyway. I hid my relationship only to have it ripped away from me anyway because Alex was too scared to stand up to the rest of them.
Krishna seethed and wanted so badly to say that to her mother, but none of it was appropriate. If her parents already worried about her, she would not terrify them with those gory details. Instead, she huffed and shook her head as she sat back down. “I think I’m just used to having to stretch myself too thin, and I’m a little bored and lonely now. I’ll get through it. That’s why I’m here. I just need some time to adjust, and I’ll be back to my normal self in no time.”
They didn’t exactly look convinced, but they let it slide, and Krishna was relieved. She didn’t have the wherewithal to keep arguing and couldn’t confess the truth. If the discussion had continued, it would have ruined her appetite and her mood, and she would have just gone home and suffered through the rest of the evening alone. And she probably wouldn’t have come back for several days
She knew it would probably do her some good to get used to spending her evenings alone. She didn’t want to become codependent or revert to acting like a child. She had her independence, and she was mature enough to strike out on her own. That’s why she had an apartment in the first place. She just wasn’t quite ready to take that leap. But she decided it was time to start working toward the goal of separating herself again.
She vowed that, for the next few days, she would come over and eat with her parents after work and then go home to study and watch television by herself. It would be an adjustment, but she wouldn’t be throwing herself into a situation that frightened her. It would serve as a compromise.
Feeling better already, she engaged in fun and healthy conversation about sports and food, which she made sure to include both her parents in the discussion. Afterward, she helped her mother clean up and do the dishes, working side by side with her in comfortable silence. When everything had been put away, Krishna took a deep breath and thought it might be good not to put off until tomorrow what could be done today.
“I think I’m going to take my book and go home to study,” she told her parents in an apologetic tone. She didn’t want to disappoint them or let on that the conversation at the start of dinner had led her to this decision. “I’m pretty tired, and if I fall asleep on my book, I need to be where my alarm is.”
Her mother frowned. “If you’re sure that’s what you want to do, okay.” She hugged Krishna, and her father gave her a squeeze and a peck on the cheek.
She said goodbye and climbed in the trusty Buick to make the boring drive back to her empty apartment. She wished her complex allowed pets. If she got a cat or a dog, at least there would be another life form to add a little energy to the place.
With no traffic, it didn’t take her as long as usual to get there and she trudged up the steps with resignation to her fate. Krishna had never felt so alone before, but, then, her solitude had been by choice. When it came to Alex, she’d been given no choice, and that made it a harsh reality to face.
Inside, she turned on the television at a low level for background noise. She couldn’t stand the utter silence, which caused her to imagine something was wrong at every little sound she heard. It was far more distracting than anything that could come across the screen. Sitting down hard on the couch, she arranged the pillows to make it as comfortable as possible and picked up the textbook, sitting back for another hour or so of mind-numbing educational reading. Maybe I will fall asleep with the book after all, she thought. The irony struck her as funny, though she didn’t know why, and she laughed softly for a moment.
But it didn’t last as the melancholy set in again. She could think of two reasons for the laughter. Either it was a sign that she was finally beginning to adjust to her circumstances. That would be good. She really wanted to get back to the grind without emotional instability. Of course, it could also mean she was on the verge of hysteria. Hopefully, that wasn’t the case because she didn’t know if she’d ever get through a real emotional breakdown.
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
After a quick visit to Brett’s house, Alex drove the old clunker Brett kept around to Krishna’s complex. He couldn’t risk being seen by anyone on his bike headed that way, and he had to see her, had to try to make things right between them, even though he still had to walk away.
But when he got there, he sat in the car at the back of the lot, staring at her apartment and not moving. It probably didn’t matter that he couldn’t make himself get out of the damn car. He didn’t see her Buick anywhere, which meant she wasn’t even home. It made him wonder where she was, and all sorts of disturbing thoughts went through his mind.
Maybe she’d met someone at a new job she’d taken and was out on a date or even over at his place. That grated down his spine like fingernails on a chalkboard, and he wanted to bang his head against the steering wheel to remove the image of some other guy with an arm around her waist or, worse, exploring her body in the same intimate way he had. A less offensive but just as devastating possibility was that she had moved to avoid this particular situation. She could have even moved back in with her parents, and that was ultimately the worst possibility.
If she had gotten another apartment, he could find her. And if she was seeing someone else, it would hurt beyond words, but he could still apologize and wish her the best. But if she was back at home, he could never show his face. He didn’t want to think about what her parents would say to him. She would have to tell them about the breakup, and he’d come off as an ass.
He wasn’t sure he didn’t deserve that image.
Alex sat and stared for nearly two hours, waiting to see if she came home, and the darkness surrounding him lulled him into a numb state. His thoughts stopped churning, and though he didn’t sleep, he was like a zombie. He couldn’t focus on anything, and his mind went blank.
Eventually, he snapped out of it, and he sighed heavily at his luck. Of course, just because he’d decided to take this risk, h
e’d been denied the opportunity. Alex couldn’t guarantee he’d have the gall to come here again. It was a dangerous situation, and if he failed to talk to Krishna again, he’d be angry and frustrated. He turned the key in the ignition, begging the piece of junk to start, and finally, the engine sputtered to life, coughing and protesting the whole time. He reached for the gearshift and froze, seeing the Buick pull into the parking lot.
He squinted through the darkness of a moonless night and was almost elated to see Krishna was alone. He watched her get out and duck back in, coming out with a backpack she slung over one shoulder. That made him curious – had she enrolled in school or something? He really didn’t like that idea. To his knowledge, both young male students and professors were constantly hitting on coeds. But at least she was still at her place and not in a dorm.
As much as he hated all the questions – a fear of the unknown, some people called it – Alex still couldn’t bring himself to go up to her door. She looked exhausted but fairly content, as far as he could tell in from this distance without any light. He wouldn’t disturb her when she was obviously ready to fall in bed. And if she really was happy, he didn’t want to do anything to bring her down.
Resigned to the fact that he wouldn’t get answers or closure tonight, he slammed the heel of his hand into the steering wheel and instantly regretted it. This thing was held together by little more than a thick coat of rust and, if he weren’t careful, he’d take the wheel right off. Putting it in gear, he pulled out slowly and headed back to Brett’s. He collected his bike and considered whether or not to go home.
He needed a distraction, though, so Alex turned toward the clubhouse instead. It wasn’t a great alternative, especially not knowing who he’d find there. But he could have a couple beers, maybe shoot some pool, and let go of some of this growing aggression. It seemed to come out as a secondary emotion when he couldn’t handle his guilt.
“Where you been?” Dave asked as he walked in.
In a downright surly mood, Alex replied, “Out.” He rounded behind the bar, reaching in the fridge for a beer, and used the vantage point to look around the open space. Three guys were at a small table in the corner, and it looked like they were finishing up a poker game. Two of the pool tables were occupied, but one was available, and he spotted a couple of his brothers that hadn’t been involved in the assault against Krishna trolling around it. He could at least tolerate their company. He ambled over, in no hurry since he didn’t particularly plan on getting home at a decent hour, and asked, “Up for it?” He motioned to the table.
They looked at each other, and Petey shrugged. “I’m game.” He stepped forward.
Slider nodded. “I’ll join. Eight Ball or Straight Pool?”
“Straight,” Alex answered gruffly, already arranging the balls. He grabbed a cue and chalked the tip before narrowing his eyes at the other two. “I’ll break.” It put him in a tough position, giving them a leg up, but he didn’t care. Win or lose, he’d get his mind off his own pathetic life.
An hour in, Alex sat comfortably three points ahead of Slider and tied with Petey, and he’d polished off three longnecks. It wasn’t a lot, but it had taken the edge off. Petey was racking the balls again, and he went to the fridge for another round. As he pulled the beers out and straightened, he found Quarter standing there like a giant wall, his arms crossed with a scowl on his face.
Alex held back his tongue lashing and simply raised an eyebrow. “Can I get you something?”
“Pop wants to see you.” That was it; that was all he said.
Alex clenched his jaw. He looked pointedly at the beer bottles in his hand. In a cocky tone, he told Quarter, “I’m a little busy right now, and I’m in the middle of a very competitive game. I’d hate to leave my brothers waiting.” He peppered in a little sarcasm, and the line between Quarter’s eyes deepened.
“I don’t think you have a choice, bud.”
Seething and trying to keep it contained, he took a small step toward Quarter and gazed up at him with determination. “Look, I’m following the rules. I’m here to relax with a couple of people that don’t make me want to smash their skulls through brick walls. I’m going to finish this game and drink my beer.”
Exasperated, Quarter blocked his way as he tried to walk past, placing a hand on the counter so his arm cut Alex off. “Are you stupid, Alex? You know better than to ignore an order from Pop. If you don’t get in his office in the next ten minutes, he’s going to be all sorts of pissed off at you. He’ll lash out.”
Alex scoffed. “Let him,” he challenged carelessly as he pushed past Quarter. He really didn’t give a shit if Pop got riled up. Alex was already royally pissed off, and it served the big guy right to get a taste of his own medicine. The difference was, if Alex didn’t go into that office right this second, Pop didn’t lose anything. It wouldn’t cause him a broken heart, and he wouldn’t be going home to an empty house.
As far as he was concerned, Pop had no right to be angry. He reached the table and handed out the beers, but Quarter was on his tail. In a quiet voice too close for comfort, he said, “I really think you should go see him, bro. You know how he is. He won’t punish you for ignoring him because it doesn’t mean anything to you.”
Alex whipped his head around and glared at Quarter. He caught the insinuation, and it finally got a rise out of him. “Are you telling me he’s threatening Krishna again? After I dropped her?”
Quarter held his hands up in a show of surrender. “Man, I’m just the messenger. I don’t know if it’s her or someone else or what. I just know his track record recently.”
Alex saw red. He turned to Petey and Slider. “You guys good if I slip out for about five minutes?”
They nodded and headed out for a smoke break. With a stubborn refusal to accept another target placed on his or Krishna’s forehead, Alex marched toward Pop’s office, ready to face whatever fight was coming. He was done giving into demands, done accepting his leader’s word as law. Pop had gotten far too comfortable and greedy, and someone needed to knock him down a couple of rungs on the ladder.
He threw the door open with enough force that it flew around and slammed against the wall with a loud bang and came back to close with a smack. “What is it now?” he asked without preamble.
Pop leaned back in his chair with his feet up on the desk, looking cozy and smug. “Hello to you, too,” he quipped, but Alex didn’t take the bait. He glowered at Pop, daring him to say something else to taunt him. Pop kept the smirk on his face but changed his tone. “You’ve been pretty mopey lately, old friend.”
With a snort, Alex shook his head and crossed his arms. “I’m fighting a cold.”
“A couple of other guys are, too, but they aren’t mopey.”
“Neither am I,” Alex challenged. “You don’t know what it looks like on me.”
Pop laughed. “I guess you’re right. I shouldn’t make assumptions. Let’s try this: other than a cold bug, has something else crawled up your ass?”
Aside from your foot, not really. “No, Pop. I’m fine. Maybe it’s not me.”
A line formed on his brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
With a shrug of false carelessness, he retorted, “You’re the one who suddenly got greedy. I just want to live my life in peace.”
Pop dropped his feet to the floor and leaned forward, obviously outraged. “Listen, Alex, I tolerate your attitude because you’re one of the best I’ve got, but you’re walking a fine line right now. You seem to forget who’s in charge here. It seems to me I’ve got your ass in a sling. Cooperate and stop questioning my authority, or I’ll make the call that had you running scared last time.”
Disgusted, Alex grimaced. “Are you really going to hang that over my head for the rest of my life? I’m complying with your mandate. You have no excuse for leveling that threat again.”
Slamming his fist on the desk, Pop snarled, “Did you or did you not just come from that bitch’s apartment? You think I don’t h
ave eyes everywhere? You’re testing my limits, boy, and I’m getting sick of it. I have to do whatever it takes to keep my crew in line and, so help me, if I have to take that woman out of the picture to make sure you stay focused, I’ll do it. Jesus, I never should have let her in here in the first place.”
Lunging at him threateningly, Alex made him flinch. But he pulled back. He wasn’t going to fight and risk Krishna’s life once again. “What you should have done was protect her like one of your own. You sure as hell used her like you use the rest of us.”
With a menacing smile, Pop picked up his phone. “One button, Alex. You make me flinch again, I can’t promise I won’t press it by accident.”
Blinded with fury, Alex hissed, “What the hell do you want, Pop? You called me in here. Tell me why.”
“You’re making a run for me. This one’s too important to trust to one of the prospects. I need my best runner on it, and that’s you. It also just happens to be a good time to get you out of town for a bit before you shoot yourself in the foot.”
This Savage Love: A Bad Boy Romance Boxed Set Page 91