They always look a little like elephants trunks to me, Lilith said.
Tino glanced at her and saw that she was smilinga sad smile that became her somehow. For a moment, she was beautiful. He did not know what he wanted from the ooloiif he wanted anything. But he knew what he wanted from the woman. He wished the ooloi were not there. And as soon as the thought occurred to him, he rejected it. Lilith and Nikanj were a pair somehow. Without Nikanj, she would not have been as desirable. He did not understand this, but he accepted it.
They would have to show him what was to happen. He would not ask. They had made it clear they wanted something from him. Let them ask.
I was thinking, Tino said, referring to the sensory arms, that I dont know what they are.
Nikanjs body tentacles seemed to tremble, then solidify into discolored lumps. They sank into themselves the way the soft bodies of slugs seemed to when they drew themselves up to rest.
Tino drew back a little in revulsion. God, the Oankali were ugly creatures. How had Human beings come to tolerate them so easily, to touch them and allow them to
Lilith took the oolois right sensory arm between her hands and held it even when Nikanj seemed to try to pull away. She stared at it, and Tino knew there must be some communication. Did the Oankali share mind-reading abilities with their pet Humans? Or was it mind reading? Lilith spoke aloud.
Slow, she whispered. Give him a moment. Give me a moment. Dont defeat your own purpose by hurrying.
For a moment, Nikanjs lumps looked worselike some grotesque disease. Then the lumps resolved themselves again into slender gray body tentacles no more grotesque than usual. Nikanj drew its sensory arm from Liliths hands, then stood up and went to a far corner of the room. There it sat down and seemed almost to turn itself off. Like something carved from gray marble, it became utterly still. Even its head and body tentacles ceased to move.
What was all that? Tino demanded.
Lilith smiled broadly. For the first time in my life, I had to tell it to be patient. If it were Human, I would say it was infatuated with you.
Youre joking!
I am, she said. This is worse than infatuation. Im glad you feel something for it, too, even though you dont yet know what.
Why has it gone to sit in that corner?
Because it cant quite bring itself to leave the room, though it knows it shouldto let the two of us be Human for a little while. Anyway, I dont think you really want it to leave.
Can it read minds? Can you?
She did not laugh. At least she did not laugh. Ive never met anyone, Oankali or Human, who could read minds. It can stimulate sensations and send your thoughts off in all sorts of directions, but it cant read those thoughts. It can only share the new sensations they produce. In effect, it can give you the most realistic and the most pleasurable dreams youve ever experienced. Nothing youve known before can match itexcept perhaps your conditioning. And that should tell you why youre here, why you were bound to seek out a trade village sooner or later. Nikanj touched you when you were too young to have any defenses. And what it gave you, you wont ever quite forgetor quite remember, unless you feel it again. You want it again. Dont you.
It was not a question. Tino swallowed and did not bother with an answer. I remember drugs, he said, staring at nothing. I never took any. I was too young before the war. I remember other people taking them and maybe going crazy for a little while or maybe just being high. I remember that they got addicted, that they got hurt sometimes or killed
This isnt just a drug.
What then?
Direct stimulation of the brain and nervous system. She held up her hand to stop him from speaking. Theres no pain. They hate pain more than we do, because theyre more sensitive to it. If they hurt us, they hurt themselves. And there are no harmful side effects. Just the opposite. They automatically fix any problems they find. They get real pleasure from healing or regenerating, and they share that pleasure with us. They werent as good at repairs before they found us. Regeneration was limited to wound healing. Now they can grow you a new leg if you lose one. They can even regenerate brain and nervous tissue. They learned that from us, believe it or not. We had the ability, and they knew how to use it. They learned by studying our cancers, of all things. It was cancer that made Humanity such a valuable trade partner.
Tino shook his head, not believing. I saw cancer kill both my grandfathers. Its nothing but a filthy disease.
Lilith touched his shoulder, let her hand slide down his arm in a caress. So thats it. Thats why Nikanj is so attracted to you. Cancer killed three close relatives of mine, including my mother. Im told it would have killed me if the Oankali hadnt done some work on me. Its a filthy disease to us, but to the Oankali, its the tool theyve been looking for for generations.
What will it do to me that has to do with cancer?
Nothing. It just finds you a lot more attractive than it does most Humans. What can you do with a beautiful woman that you cant do with an ugly one? Nothing. Its just a matter of preference. Nikanj and every other Oankali already have all the information they need to use what theyve learned from us. Even the constructs can use it once theyre mature. But people like you and me are still attractive to them.
I dont understand that.
Dont worry about it. Im told our children will understand them, but we wont.
Our children will be them.
You accept that?
It took him a moment to realize what he had said. No! I dont know. Yes, but He closed his eyes. I dont know.
She moved closer to him, rested warm, calloused hands on his forearms. He could smell her. Crushed plantsthe way a fresh-cut lawn used to smell. Food, pepper and sweet. Woman. He reached out to her, touched the large breasts. He could not help himself. He had wanted to touch them since he had first seen them. She lay down on her side, drawing him down facing her. It occurred to him a moment later that Nikanj was behind him. That she had deliberately positioned him so that Nikanj would be behind him.
He sat up abruptly, turned to look at the ooloi. It had not moved. It gave no sign that it was even alive.
Lie here with me for a while, she said.
But
Well go to Nikanj in a little while. Wont we.
I dont know. He lay down again, now glad to keep his back to it. I still dont understand what it does. I mean, so it gives me good dreams. How? And what else will it do? Will it use me to make you pregnant?
Not now. Akin is too young. It
might collect some sperm from you. You wont be aware of it. When they have the chance, they stimulate a woman to ovulate several eggs. They collect the eggs, store them, collect sperm, store it. They can keep sperm and eggs viable and separate in their bodies for decades. Akin is the child of a man who died nearly thirty years ago.
I heard there was a time limitthat they could only keep sperm and eggs alive for a few months.
Progress. Before I left the ship, someone came up with a new method of preservation. Nikanj was one of the first to learn it.
Tino looked at her closely, searched her smooth, broad face. So youre what? In your fifties?
Fifty-five.
He sighed, shook his head against the arm he had rested it on. You look younger than I do. Ive at least got a few gray hairs. I remember I used to worry that I really was the Human the Oankali had failed with, fertile and aging normally, and that all Id really get out of it was old.
Nikanj wouldnt have failed with you.
She was so close to him that he couldnt help touching her, moving his fingers over the fine skin. He drew back, though, when she mentioned the oolois name.
Cant it go? he whispered. Just for a while.
It choose
s not to, she said in a normal voice. And dont bother whispering. It can hear your heartbeat from where its sitting. It can hear your subvocalizationsthe things you
say to yourself in words but not quite out loud. That may be why you thought it could read minds. And it obviously will not go away.
Can we?
No. She hesitated. It isnt Human, Tino. This isnt like having another man or woman in the room.
Its worse.
She smiled wearily, leaned over him, and kissed him. Then she sat up. I understand, she said. I felt the way you do once. Maybe its just as well. She hugged herself and looked at him almost angrily. Frustration? How long had it been for her? Well, the damned ooloi could not always be there. Why wouldnt it go away, wait its turn? Failing that, why was he so shy of it? Its presence did bother him more than another Humans would have. Much more.
Well join Nikanj, Tino, once Ive told you one more thing, she said. That is, well join it if you decide you still want anything to do with me.
With you? But it wasnt you I was having trouble with. I mean
I know. This is something elsesomething Id rather never mention to you. But if I dont, someone else will. She drew a deep breath. Didnt you wonder about me? About my name?
I thought you should have changed it. It isnt a very popular name.
I know. And changing it wouldnt do much good. Too many people know me. Im not just someone stuck with an unpopular name, Tino. Im the one who made it unpopular. Im Lilith Iyapo.
He frowned, began to shake his head, then stopped. Youre not the one who
who
I awakened the first three groups of Humans to be sent back to Earth. I told them what their situation was, what their options were, and they decided I was responsible for it all. I helped teach them to live in the forest, and they decided it was my fault they had to give up civilized life. Sort of like blaming me for the goddamn war! Anyway, they decided I had betrayed them to the Oankali, and the nicest thing some of them called me was Judas. Is that the way you were taught to think of me?
I
Yes.
She shook her head. The Oankali either seduced them or terrified them, or both. I, on the other hand, was nobody. It was easy for them to blame me. And it was safe.
So now and then when we get ex-resisters traveling through Lo and they hear my name, they assume I have horns. Some of the younger ones have been taught to blame me for everythingas though I were a second Satan or Satans wife or some such idiocy. Now and then one of them will try to kill me. Thats one of the reasons Im so touchy about weapons here.
He stared at her for a while. He had watched her closely as she spoke, trying to see guilt in her, trying to see the devil in her. In Phoenix, people had said things like thatthat she was possessed of the devil, that she had sold first herself, then Humanity, that she was the first to go willingly to an Oankali bed to become their whore and to seduce other Humans
What do your people say about me? she asked.
He hesitated, glanced at Nikanj. That you sold us.
For what currency?
There had always been some debate about that. For the right to stay on the ship and for
powers. They saw you were born Human, but the Oankali made you like a construct.
She made a sound that she may have intended as a laugh. I begged to go to Earth with the first group I awakened. I was supposed to have gone. But when the time came, Nika wouldnt let me. It said the people would kill me once they got me away from the Oankali. They probably would have. And they would have felt virtuous and avenged.
But
you are different. Youre very strong, fast
Yes. That wasnt the Oankali way of paying me off. It was their way of giving me some protection. If they hadnt changed me a little, someone in the first group would have killed me while I was still awakening people. Im somewhere between Human and construct in ability. Im stronger and faster than most Humans, but not as strong or as fast as most constructs. I heal faster than you could, and Id recover from wounds that would kill you. And of course I can control walls and raise platforms here in Lo. All Humans who settle here are given that ability. Thats all. Nikanj changed me to save my life, and it succeeded. Instead of killing me, the first group I awakened killed Akins father, the man I had paired with
might still be with. One of them killed him. The others watched, then went on following that one.
There was a long silence. Finally Tino said, Maybe they were afraid.
Is that what you were told?
No. I didnt know about that part at all. I even heard
that
perhaps you didnt like men at all.
She threw back her head in startling, terrible laughter. Oh, god. Which of my first group is in Phoenix?
A guy named Rinaldi.
Gabe? Gabe and Tate. Are they still together?
Yes. I didnt realize
Tate never said anything about being with him then. I thought they had gotten together here on Earth.
I awoke them both. They were my best friends for a while. Their ooloi was Kahguyahtooan Nikanj.
What Nikanj?
Nikanjs ooloi parent. It stayed aboard the ship with its mates and raised another trio of children. Nikanj told it Gabe and Tate wouldnt be leaving the resisters any time soon. It was finally willing to acknowledge Nikanjs talent, and it couldnt bring itself to accept other Humans.
Tino looked at Nikanj. After a while, he got up and went over to it, sat down opposite it. What is your talent? he asked.
Nikanj did not speak or acknowledge his presence.
Talk to me! he demanded. I know you hear.
The ooloi seemed to come to life slowly. I hear.
What is your talent!
It leaned toward him and took his hands in its strength hands, keeping its sensory arms coiled. Oddly, the gesture reminded him of Lilith, was much like what Lilith tended to do. He did not mind, somehow, that now hard, cool gray hands held his.
I have a talent for Humans, it said in its soft voice. I was bred to work with you, taught to work with you, and given one of you as a companion during one of my most formative periods. It focused for a moment on Lilith. I know your bodies, and sometimes I can anticipate your thinking. I knew that Gabe Rinaldi couldnt accept a union with us when Kahguyaht wanted him. Tate could have, but she would not leave Gabe for an ooloino matter how badly she wanted to. And Kahguyaht would not simply keep her with it when the others were sent to Earth. That surprised me. It always said there was no point in paying attention to what Humans said. It knew Tate would eventually have accepted it, but it listened to her and let her go. And it wasnt raised as I was in contact with Humans. I think your people affect us more than we realize.
I think, Lilith said quietly, that you may be better at understanding us than you are at understanding your own people.
It focused on her, its body tentacles smoothed to invisibility against its flesh. That meant it was pleased, Tino remembered. Pleased or even happy. Ahajas says that, it told her. I dont think its true, but it may be.
Tino turned toward Lilith but spoke to Nikanj. Did you make her pregnant against her will?
Against one part of her will, yes, Nikanj admitted. She had wanted a child with Joseph, but he was dead. She was
more alone than you could imagine. She thought I didnt understand.
Its your fault she was alone!
It was a shared fault. Nikanjs head and body tentacles hung limp. We believed we had to use her as we did. Otherwise we would have had to drug newly awakened Humans much more than was good for them because we would have had to teach them everything ourselves. We did that later because we saw<
br />
that we were damaging Lilith and the others we tried to use.
In the first children, I gave Lilith what she wanted but could not ask for. I let her blame me instead of herself. For a while, I became for her a little of what she was for the Humans she had taught and guided. Betrayer. Destroyer of treasured things. Tyrant. She needed to hate me for a while so that she could stop hating herself. And she needed the children I mixed for her.
Tino stared at the ooloi, needing to look at it to remind himself that he was hearing an utterly un-Human creature. Finally, he looked at Lilith.
She looked back, smiling a bitter, humorless smile. I told you it was talented, she said.
How much of that is true? he asked.
How should I know! She swallowed. All of it might be. Nikanj usually tells the truth. On the other hand, reasons and justifications can sound just as good when theyre made up as an afterthought. Have your fun, then come up with a wonderful-sounding reason why it was the right thing for you to do.
Tino pulled away from the ooloi and went to Lilith. Do you hate it? he asked.
She shook her head. I have to leave it to hate it. Sometimes I go away for a whileexplore, visit other villages, and hate it. But after a while, I start to miss my children. And, heaven help me, I start to miss it. I stay away until staying away hurts more than the thought of coming
home.
He thought she should be crying. His mother would never have contained that much passion without tearswould never have tried. He took her by the arms, found her stiff and resistant. Her eyes rejected any comfort before he could offer it.
What shall I do? he asked. What do you want me to do?
She hugged him suddenly, holding him hard against her. Will you stay? she said into his ear.
Shall I?
Yes.
All right. She was not Lilith Iyapo. She was a quiet, expressive, broad face. She was dark, smooth skin and warm, work-calloused hands. She was breasts full of milk. He wondered how he had resisted her earlier.
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