by K. S. Adkins
But my appreciation screeches to a halt when he does. From somewhere hidden, it happened without my permission, without my being able to stop it.
For the first time in my life, I asked for someone for something. Wait, that’s not true. I begged for it.
“Please,” I whisper, hating the weakness in my voice. “Don’t leave me like this.”
Leaning in to my right ear he finally speaks to me. “I’m only giving you what you deserve.” Then he backs away, rights himself and just before he opens the door, he gives me his parting words. “Dinner, six PM,” he says, opening the door. “Dress for it.”
When the door closes and the darkness swallows me, reality crashes in on me too. I curl into a ball to hide in defense. I don’t know what the feeling is, but I do know I do not fucking like it. It’s not shame, it’s not rejection. I think its anticipation. It’s when a smile finds its way to my face that I jump out of bed, pack my bag back up and bolt.
Anticipation leads to disappointment. I can’t do this. Not with him, not with anyone. Ever. Putting my room key in my pocket, I fish out my truck keys, throw the door open and haul ass. Opening the hatch and tossing my bag in, I let out a girly scream when I turn and see him there leaning against my door.
“You should consider a 5k. You seem to really be into running.”
Totally caught off guard, I just stand there blinking. There is no talking myself out of this one. I am running pure and simple and we both knew it. “Go home,” I advise him, “Get some rest and ice those hands.”
“You aren’t worried about my hands, Lina. At least you weren’t ten minutes ago when they were pinning your arms above your head. I thought we had an agreement, that you would take a chance on me. On us. The bars are closed. Tell me, where do you think you’re going?”
Getting pissed at him for assuming the only hobby I have is dive bars and fucking randoms, I get in his face. “You do not own me,” I growl at him. “If you want to fuck, we’ll fuck. You want to follow me around and be my hero, that’s on you. But do not make the mistake of thinking you’re going to wife me.”
“Would we be on equal footing in the feelings department if I went and found a woman to fuck tonight?” he asks while clinching his own fists. “It isn’t a difficult thing for me to do, Lina. Granted, she wouldn’t be you, but I get the feeling you could give a fuck about that.”
Suddenly a fire built in my veins. It was racing through me and I couldn’t stop it. The fire represented lust, hate, fear, anger, defeat with a side of jealousy. He’s telling me the truth and it’s bringing something out in me I didn’t know I had. “If you feel the need to teach me a lesson, then by all means fuck it out until your heart’s content. Make us equals. Your apology while sincere at the time, doesn’t disguise the fact that you judge me for decisions I’ve made in the past. A past that did not include you. I don’t have many regrets, but I will regret meeting you for the rest of my life! You come out of nowhere, demanding shit, judging me like it’s your right to. Don’t pretend you’ve haven’t dipped your dick in the local pond. If you expect me to believe you’ve led a life of celibacy, I’ll join the fucking nunnery. If hypocrisy was a suit, you’d be a well-dressed man. ”
“I haven’t been with a woman since the day I heard your fucking name, he says, getting back in my face. “And I hadn’t been with anyone long before that!”
“Yeah well I haven’t been with anyone since the first time I caught you creeping on me either!” I snap. “I have tried, Anthony and still I couldn’t do it. Because all I see is you!”
“Julian…”
“Julian is a bad memory you won’t let go away!”
“Dammit Lina,” he groans “Can you even imagine how this feels for me? Knowing he’s been inside you? When it could have been me!”
“It should have been you!” I screech at him, trying to get away. I can’t believe I’m feeling like this. That I wanted it to be him as badly as he did. I knew something felt off when I was with Julian, but I was too numb to listen. “Fuck! I don’t want to feel like this!”
“Feel like what?” he says, pulling me to his chest.
“Like I want this! I don’t want to want this! You don’t get it, just…”
“Just what?”
“Go.”
“I can’t go until I know you’ll be there at six dressed for dinner, Lina,” he says, kissing my forehead. “I asked you for forgiveness,” he says quietly. “I’m mad at myself, not you. Never you. Please allow me to repair what I’ve broken.”
Dialing it back down a bit, I take a deep breath and hope this doesn’t bite me in my fat ass later. “Six,” I whisper, “I’ll see you at six.”
“Thank you,” he says, walking me back into my room. “I have a few errands to run tomorrow, but I’ll see you soon.”
“Okay,” I say, opening the door and reaching for my smokes. “Need one for the road?”
“I’ve got my own,” he says, smiling. “And Lina?”
“Hmm?” I ask, lighting up, needing something in my mouth so words won’t come out of it. “You are the most fascinating, stubborn and beautiful woman I have ever met.” When I remain silent he continues breaking my walls down. “I look forward to figuring you out,” he says. “You alone are quite the mystery.”
Closing my door and stepping back to lock the door, I can’t even move. Shock led to confusion and confusion led to fear. Does that count as our first fight? If so, shouldn’t we have make up sex now? God this is so fucked! When he tilts his head to the side, no doubt wondering why I’m still standing there in the window, I killed the lights. It wasn’t until I knew he was blocks away that I was able to form a thought. He thinks I’m a mystery, but I’m not. What I am is a lost little girl with serious trust issues and reconstructing my walls was going to take some time and alcohol. Keeping him out will be my toughest case yet. Because, he’s wrong. I’m not a mystery.
I’m just a fucking mess.
“I’m raising you to be a good man,” she says, handing me an apron.
“Mom, I can still be a good man without wearing an apron?”
Pulling it over my head, she secured it around my waist and laughed. “You can, but your future wife will appreciate the fact that her man can cook!”
Kissing her cheek, I give in. “So my wife will be happy I can cook, but Mom, shouldn’t she be the one cooking?”
“Gah!” she says, slapping me lightly with the spatula. “You are your father’s son! Look at me, Anthony,” she says quietly. “There will be days she is tired, or works late or was up with your babies. You cook to show her you love and respect her. That is why she does it for you.”
“Pops does make a mean fried bologna,” I tell her.
“And I tell him it’s my favorite every time he makes it for me,” she says, swatting me again. Helping her finish dinner, I forgot about the apron until she reminded me that it’s not intended for outdoors.
Last night was a cluster fuck, but I have an opportunity to fix it. Waking up determined to win her the right away, which meant being a good man, I needed to stay focused and gather intel. Following my GPS’s instructions I’m at my destination within the hour while it appears as if she stopped about twenty minutes ago. Looking at her location more closely, I see she’s at the mall. My guess is since she carries very little with her she needs to purchase clothing for dinner tonight. Excellent, my strategy worked. While she’s busy trying on everything in the store, I’m going to get some insight into why she is the way she is, straight from the source. At her parent’s home. Maybe I shouldn’t, maybe it’s too fast, but I have to know.
Sending her a quick text, I ask her where she is and if she’s thinking of me. Juvenile I know, but it’s her and I can’t help it. When my phone pings, I read the message and burst out laughing.
There is a special place in hell for mall walkers. Pushy bastards.
Advising her to have fun, I put my phone in my pocket and knock on the door. Before anyone answers, I notice
the house is very run down. Both cars should have been scrapped years ago and when her mother answers the door, I knew immediately why she left. What I hoped was the difficult teenage years that drove her to leave, I realized right away she was right. These were not good people. My thoughts of helping her reconcile went out the window the second her mother opened her mouth. My heart breaks for Lina. I had top notch parents, she did not. Right then, I knew coming here was a mistake.
“Hello handsome,” she says, opening the door wide taking me in from head to toe. “Can I help you?”
“Are you Ana?” I ask, but do not extend my hand to her in greeting. “Halina’s mother?”
“Is she dead?”
“Excuse me?”
“I asked you if she was dead.”
“I heard you. I just have to wonder why you would assume she was and why you look like you would be happy if she were.”
Stepping out onto the porch she points her finger at me. “That girl ruined our lives. If she ain’t dead then what the hell do you want?”
“I wanted to meet her parents,” I say, thoroughly shocked this woman gave birth to Lina. “I didn’t want to believe that the very people who created something so amazing, could truly be evil.”
“We ain’t evil,” she spits at me. “She is. What she can do is evil.”
“I’m sorry I’ve wasted your time,” I say, stepping off the rickety porch. “Forgive me.”
“What do you want with the likes of her anyway?”
Not bothering with an answer, I open my door only to be approached by who could only be her father. By the looks of him he’s seen better days too. “You here about Halina?”
“I was, yes.” I explain. “But I’ve wasted your time as well as my own, I’ll just be leaving.”
“She want money?” he asks, looking back to the porch to making sure he wasn’t heard. “She does, doesn’t she?”
“No,” I say. “She is financially independent. You haven’t seen or spoken to her in years and you think she sent me here to ask for a handout?”
“Then what do you want?” When I don’t answer, he switches tactics. “She still solvin’ them cases? Read about her in the paper a few times. Heard she was good at it.”
“No,” I correct him. “She’s great at it. Thanks for your time.”
“Wasn’t easy raisin’ her. The girl was honest to a fault. Caused her mother and me some problems but, I miss my girl sometimes. Wishin’ she was normal like other kids. Would have made it easier to love her. Hell, to like her.”
“She still is honest to a fault,” I growl at him. “I may not possess her ability to sense a lie, but listening to you spew bullshit in my direction, thinking I’m too stupid to see it for what it is, tells me all I need to know. Honesty is a trait to be admired for, not punished for. You and your wife were responsible for your problems, not her. What kind of parent put hands on their own child? You must miss her a lot, being that in all these years you’ve never reached out to her or apologized. I find that I can’t go a day without her presence, what’s that say about you?”
“Look, her mother---“
“I do not care,” I tell him with a finger in his chest. “Lina has struggled because of the two of you. I came out here to see why her own parents could abandon her and it took seconds with your wife and a minute with you to get it. She’s better off without you.”
“You don’t know what it’s like!” he yells, grabbing me.
“She is a gift,” I growl, pushing him away from me easily. “A fucking gift. A gift given to you to nurture and treasure, and you gave that gift away. I found the treasure and I’m keeping it.”
“She ain’t right in the head!” he screams at me. “Everyone lies sometime! But not her, she thinks she’s better than us. Well she ain’t! You ain’t gonna be able to beat sense into her neither! She’ll run you off, just you wait!”
Not sparing him another glance or word, I climb in and drive off. Reaching a stop sign a few blocks away, I threw it in park to calm myself the fuck down. All I wanted to do though was turn back and strangle them both. Instead I send her another text asking her what she picked out. As expected, her response was pure Lina and it did what I couldn’t do, it settled me.
Jr dept is for hookers. Misses is for geriatrics. I’m at the ice cream shop weighing my options.
Laughing, I text her that I would see her at six and put it back in drive looking forward to another evening of getting to know her better. Before arriving home I double check our reservation and jump in the shower eager for dinner and then dessert. I also didn’t give her assholes parents another thought.
She was right, she was better off without them. I was wrong to doubt her and I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.
I made a call, keeping it brief. I don’t know how long I had before she would get back. “What, Tony?”
“Lina’s parents,” I begin, “were they always this bad?”
I hear a deep sigh followed by the moving of a chair. No doubt he’s getting in position to tell me a story. “Long as I’ve known her, yeah. Funny thing is, she never spoke ill of them or asked for anything. Girl’s been working since she was thirteen. Had to if she wanted food and clothes. They used to rough her up good too. Mostly her mother when she was small, but then Lina taught herself how to fight back and both assholes joined in. She left and ain’t never been back as far as I know.”
“Who does that?”
“The world is full of nightmares Tony. Sometimes the devil is right under your own roof and shares your last name. No kid should have been treated like she was. Lina has always been special and good at heart.”
“How is she sane? Her ability has to make functioning nearly impossible for her.”
“Sanity is different for everyone,” he says on a deep sigh. “Despite her ability, the abuse and neglect, Lina found the balance she needed. I’m not going to say she doesn’t have issues, clearly she does. But she isn’t sane or insane, she’s guarded.”
“I don’t know if I can have her do this anymore,” I argue. “The risk to her is too great.”
“She has to,” he argues back. “She’s the only one who can. This was your idea, without her we’re fucked.”
I hated to admit it, but he was right. She had to be the one to finish what others started and I was going to be the one who pushed her to do it.
Getting accepted here was a fresh start for me. Being that it was a private school they had excellent advanced placement classes. I was nervous about making friends, but more than anything right now finding my class was my biggest challenge. This new school was huge. Students crowd the hall and push to get ahead. The guy who just ran me over had to be a lineman for the football team I decided, because the dick used his shoulders to plow through the crowd. Hitting the floor, I recover quickly. “Watch it, fucker!” I yell, dusting myself off.
“Who said that?” he said, looking around not seeing me.
“I did, you over grown douche!”
“The middle school is two buildings over munchkin,” he said, patting my head. “Nice language by the way.”
Out of nowhere this black-haired girl only slightly taller than me, gets on all fours behind him while her partner, a taller girl who looks like a model, pushes him, forcing him to trip over the other and land on his back. Coming to my side they look at him, then to me and throw their hands out.
“Venessa,” she says, taking my hand.
“Macy,” the other one says, pulling me in for a hug.
“What’d I miss?” asks a beautiful red head who knocks him back down when he tries to get up. “Stay down,” she orders him and oddly enough, he does. Ignoring him she looks at me and says, “Jules,” shaking my hand.
“Lina,” I tell the group.
“Well, looks like the sisterhood is complete now!” she says, throwing an arm over my shoulder and ushering me out to the courtyard.
“I’m not the runt of the litter anymore,” Venessa says, eating her s
andwich.
“Whatever, small fry,” Macy says, throwing her napkin at her.
“Homecoming is next week,” Jules says. “You wanna go with us? Throw a dress on and pretend to give a shit?”
“I don’t own a dress,” I mumble. “Nothing fits me.”
“It’s your tits,” Venessa says, reaching for one to test it out.
“No way, have you seen the size of her ass?” Macy asks. “I want an ass like that.”
Leaning in, Jules tells me, “I have a better idea.”
Jules idea was fucktastic. We didn’t go to the dance. Instead we snuck into a Wayne State party. The four of us sat on some stranger’s deck and each gave our life stories. Although I fell in love with all them, it was Jules I identified with most. Jules was my female soul mate and she didn’t know happiness either.
But together we were able to fight the darkness on our own terms. Jules was my light.
Dress shopping sober sucked. I’m short. There is no section for girls with ass, tits and a pooch belly. Opting for hooker chic, I got the hell out of that store as quickly as possible before I shot someone.
Luckily I’m a fast shopper when I’m not hammered and I had enough time to grab an ice cream and meet up with three officers I’ve worked with in the past. These guys have been on the scene for a while and know the score on the streets. We’ve worked many cases together over the years even if I was a liaison. They probably have ten years on me and were around back when I did pro bono work for the Cap to avoid jail time. The meeting went as expected. A lot of lying coupled with bullshit. The thing is, they weren’t lying to be deceitful, they were lying out of fear. Wrapping up with them and promising to keep in touch, I’m about to stop and get my nails done (which I’ve never done for a man or myself) when my phone rings.