by K. S. Adkins
“Or excellent timing,” I say, grinning at her.
“Tomato, tomatoe,” she says, grinning back and with that I stand up, head over to the closet and get her a new blanket. Covering her up and sliding in next to her, I run my fingers along her back. “I love tickles,” she says. “When I was little my mom used to tickle me for hours. When I left, Jules did it for me. I miss it.”
“What do the symbols the day I came to the studio mean?” I ask, tracing the script with my fingers.
“Sanity is a cozy lie, in Czech.”
“About the things I said---”
“Look,” she says, turning to face me. “Some of what you said made sense. I’d even be willing to work on it, but the other shit you spewed was your own insecurities about my past being thrown in my face. I don’t appreciate that and I certainly don’t pull that card with you. If you want to level with me, level with me. Don’t make me out to be a project you want to take on, because I’m not. What you see is what you get. How about noticing the fact that since I’ve agreed to try this with you, I only have a glass of wine occasion and I haven’t left your side? I’m trying here, Anthony, in my own way. Maybe I haven’t given you the standard Q&A and that’s because I didn’t know that I was supposed to. But cut the shit. I’m a lie detector, remember?”
“What does that have to do with this conversation?”
“You say you want me to get to know you, but you only show me pieces of you,” she says, robbing me of breath. “We both have some work to do and the sooner you recognize your part in this, the better off we’ll be. You want me to make concessions? I’m okay with that as long as you stop holding yourself back from me.”
“We have a big day tomorrow,” I say, changing the subject because her truths just now, gutted me. “Are you excited?”
“A+ on the diversion. I’m wiped out so I’ll let you off the hook on that one because I’m a lady. To answer your question, yes. To see Jules finally happy, I am,” she admits. “To share you with everything one else, not so much.”
“I’m yours, Lina,” I say, curling into her. “I’m going for you, not for them.”
“They all want a piece of you and I don’t like sharing. It’s an only child thing.”
“I may not possess the ability to lie to you, but I’ve lied to them. Especially Venessa, I used her to find you. When she finds out why, I’ll have a lot to answer for.”
“No you won’t,” she argues. “They have no idea what you’ve done for them, especially Venessa.”
“Lina, what did I ever do without you?”
Instead of answering me, she snuggles deeper into my side. She doesn’t have to answer, I already know. I’d go back to a miserable existence without her. I refuse to go back to black and white now that I’ve got a taste of color. I refuse to go back to a life of lying to myself that I didn’t need anyone when the truth is, all I needed was her. Waiting until she relaxes and falls asleep, I continue running my fingers all over her back and sides. When she sighs into my chest, I smile down at her. She likes being tickled. Something so simple in truth, is momentous. She likes my touch, not the touch of others, but mine.
Later when I couldn’t sleep, I turned on the bathroom light and turned off the flash on my phone and took photos of her every time she moved. She is so fucking gorgeous, curled up in my bed that I take as many as possible before she can catch me. Leaving her to rest I find myself wired, so I head into the spare room to look over what she has so far. A few hours before sunrise I crawl back into bed with her, absolutely blown away at the progress she’s made and even more certain that I’m losing her to it.
And because of that I know it has to stop.
“Lina’s toast,” Macy said, pointing out the obvious. I was toast, it didn’t take much to get me that way either. Crawling over to Macy’s beat up recliner, I throw myself in it and grab the handle. “Wait!” she said, but it was too late. I was catapulted ass over elbows and was face down in the carpet.
“Holy shit!” Venessa squealed. “My turn!”
Making it back up to my knees, I turned and sat on the floor watching my friends take turns at letting the recliner kick their asses. When Jules did it, I giggled. Jules loved to fix things, so after three attempts, she runs to the kitchen, grabs cutlery, and decided to repair it. “It’s just a spring, I think,” she said, burping. The girls and I kept drinking and cheering her on and once she was satisfied, she jumped back in, pulled the handle and was thrown even further.
Staring at the ceiling she mumbles, “So not a spring then.” When we all bust out laughing my own laughter dies quickly. One day we wouldn’t have this, the four of us and the thought of not having it made my chest hurt. When Macy passes me the bottle of Boone’s, I gulp it, hoping to get rid of these depressing thoughts.
Looking at each of them, I knew as long as I had them I’d be good. I’d figure it out. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them either and right then, I needed them to know it. “I’d take a dick for you,” I announced. “Each one of you. I’d take a dick. Okay, not all at once, but if it was life or death, I could probably figure it out.”
“You’d take a dick for me?” Venessa asked looking at me funny. ”What kind of dick are we talking about here?”
“Yeah, you need to be specific, Lina,” Macy said, thinking it through like always. “I mean, taking a dick is a big responsibility.”
“Especially a big dick,” Jules says, showing us with her hands. “You’re so tiny; you take a dick for me we’d need to see it first. I want to know you’d be okay with a big dick on my behalf.”
“Oh fuck off, hookers!” I growled at them “I’m small but my cooch is the same as yours. If you can take a big dick, I can take a big dick!”
“Is this a competition?” Venessa asked.
“I’d bet on it,” Macy chimed in.
“We need a big dick, this is pointless otherwise,” Jules said, looking at me.
“What? Like I’ve got one handy?” I asked, confused. I’ve never even had sex.
“If anyone could get us a big dick, it would be you, Lina,” Venessa said and I couldn’t argue her logic. I do have a way of getting things. “True,” I mumbled, thinking about it. “I’ll see what I can do.”
When they all passed out on Macy’s floor I struggled to find sleep. Now I wanted a big dick and wondered how hard it would be to find one. Turns out, it wasn’t hard at all.
Pun intended.
Right there was perfect as long as I didn’t move. Masturbation has got to be one of the greatest forms of therapy known to humans. Hell, I’m a huge fan of it myself. I’ve got it down to a science too. There a dozens of visuals I used to use, but now I just have to think of him. I was in that place between sleep and consciousness and I was also feeling wicked horny. Reaching into my panties, I run my fingers over my clit slowly and when goosebumps break out all over I skin, I know this was going to be quick. Thinking of him did that to me.
“I know you’re awake, Sherlock,” he says, parting me slowly with his fingers. “I can hear your breathing change.”
“Busted,” I moan when he inserts a finger slowly.
“You think I could lay here and watch you play with your pussy and do nothing? It’s morning, Lina and I’m the type of man that wakes up hungry.”
“The trick with breakfast in bed is you actually eat it,” I tell him, pulling him back to me with my feet. “You don’t want it to get cold and go to waste.”
“This,” he says, blowing on me, making me shiver, “never gets cold and I would never let it go to waste.”
“Gluttony,” I pant when he resumes his breakfast. “Has got to be my favorite sin.”
“You taste like----”
“I always figured I tasted amazing,” I groan, “but seriously it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.”
Working his mouth in tandem with his fingers has me coming immediately. Trying to regulate my breathing, he climbs up next to me, kissing me until I quiet down. �
��My mouth isn’t full anymore,” he says, pulling me on top of him. “Good morning.”
“Good morning yourself,” I reply running my fingers through his chest hair, savoring the taste of myself on my own tongue. “I knew it,” I moan into his mouth. “I do taste amazing.”
“Your humor has improved. I take it you’re feeling better?”
“Yes,” I say, sincerely. “Much better, thank you.”
“I didn’t do much except feed you cheese and carrots,” he says, smiling.
“You stayed,” I whisper. “You tickled my back, kept me safe. I didn’t have a nightmare because you were here. You woke me up with your mouth, which is like… damn. That’s why I’m thanking you.”
“You’re welcome,” he says, squeezing my ass. “Hungry?”
“Anthony?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you like to read?”
“Sometimes,” he says. “Nonfiction mostly. Why?”
“Do you like action movies?”
“Do I have a dick?”
Laughing I ask him question after question and he answers every one. Most of them were superficial, nothing too personal. I just wanted to know more was all. He was right, I didn’t take the time when I should have and I have no excuse for not doing it either. We stayed that way for a while, with him totally open to me. Turns out Anthony is very easy to talk to. Rolling me onto my back and then lifting me up, I wrap my legs around his waist where I’m sitting up on the bed.
“Take a picture with me,” he suggests, reaching for his camera and I don’t protest. The thought of us sharing a photo even if no one ever sees it, makes me happy because it proves we’re real once. What has happened here was real. Bed head, no makeup and puffy eyes couldn’t stop me from doing this. Resting my head on his shoulder, I look up at his camera and give a shy smile. Leaning me back he takes another and another and before you know it I’m laughing while he tickles my sides and he’s laughing when I raspberry his stomach.
“Fuck, you are beautiful,” he says, moving my hair off of my shoulder. “I have never seen beauty like yours.”
“Then you don’t get out much,” I joke, but then he frowns and growls at me at the same time.
“I didn’t ask what you see, Sherlock. I’m telling you what I see. You see the truth to my words, I know you do.”
“I see you like that too,” I admit. “No one has ever said that to me before,” I whisper. “And meant it.”
“Because you were waiting for me,” he says, kissing my nose. “Repeat that for me.”
”Because, I was waiting for you.”
He seemed pacified with my response then kisses me again. “I was waiting for you too. Now get up,” he says. “We’ve got a wedding to attend.”
“What about you?” I ask, reaching for him. “I haven’t had my breakfast yet.”
“Ever have breakfast for dinner?”
“No,” I giggle. “But I’ve always wanted to.”
“Then it’s a date,” he says, ushering me into the shower. “Don’t spoil your appetite.”
Leaving me to shower, I do it with haste eager to have coffee with him and make sure he’s prepped for this wedding. It’s not just the wedding. It’s the group. Venessa and Max specifically, will be all over him and I can’t allow that. Rinsing out my hair with one arm, I smile a real smile.
All these years I’ve been waiting for someone to show me honesty exists. Who knew I’d find it when I was least looking for it? That’s when the panic sets in. To have something of my own for once means there’s a chance I could lose it. The fear of loss is why I don’t own things. If you have something you cherish and it’s stolen from you, you’re never the same. He could be taken from me or he could walk away.
Either way, loss is loss.
Losing him would ruin me.
“What the fuck was that?” Julian asked, moving broken glass from the floor. “Hell man, if I knew, I would have made sure I wasn’t here when it happened.”
“You have chicks fighting over you and only you would be miserable about it.”
“I don’t want the headache,” I mumbled, picking up the mess. “Who were those chicks anyway?”
“You were talking to them last night,” he said, laughing. “Looks like they wanted to take it to the next level.”
“Wrestlemania in my living room?” I groan. “I didn’t even get their names. I’ll never understand girls.”
“Chicks get territorial,” he told me. “That’s not a bad thing where I come from.”
“I don’t mind territorial if I get to be territorial back,” I tell him. “Hell, but I’d have to love her to act like that.”
“You want love?”
“Don’t you?”
“I’ll settle for blowjobs and fake phone numbers.”
“I wasn’t raised like that,” I said, moving my couch back and grabbing the broom. “I’ll find her one day and when I do, I won’t do this pissing contest thing. I won’t have to.”
“How do you figure?”
“Because she’ll know I love her and won’t need to be reminded of it every five minutes. It’s my job to make sure she knows.”
The woman never ceases to change how I see her. Leaving her to get ready for the wedding, I had assumed she was up there primping and doing what women do, only she wasn’t. Instead, she comes down wearing worn jeans, a flowy shirt and flip flops. Her hair is in a messy knot on top of her head. She’s wearing pink lip gloss and didn’t put on the heavy eye makeup. This is how Lina should look every day. Today Lina wasn’t hiding. Today she was simply content to be.
Looking down at myself though, I realize I’m overdressed.
“Don’t even think about changing,” she says, reading my mind. “You look fuckably amazing.”
“I could dial it down,” I say, giving myself a once over. “I didn’t know it was casual.”
“I’ve never seen you dial it down. It’s not your style. You look hot, leave it alone. She’s coming from the airport in street clothes. I couldn’t wear anything dressy. You though, you always look like you’re ready for the runway, don’t change that, okay? I love that about you.”
“You do?”
“Uh huh,” she says, looking her fill. “Hang on, let me wipe my drool off.”
Well, okay then. Getting into my car we head over to Lush to help set up. It’s noon now and Max promises to bring Jules there by three pm. That means I’ve got three hours of dodging questions before they arrive. Pulling around back, I help her out and I can’t help but notice she’s beaming. I’ve never seen her beam before. It’s stunning. Entering through the back the second we clear the hall and hit the main floor it’s nothing but sparkles and streamers. The girls notice Lina and run over and attack her with hugs and questions. When Venessa looks up and sees me, she freezes.
Looking over at Lina her expression hardens. She points her finger at Lina. “Explain,” she says, with her usual attitude.
“I brought my boyfriend with me,” Lina says, shrugging it off but using a tone that leaves no room for argument. “Drop it.”
“Boyfriend?”
“Did I stutter?”
“No, I heard you. I guess this isn’t the time, yeah?”
“Yahtzee,” she says, walking away and over to Rogan and Rafe. “Hey guys,” she says, extending her tiny hand. “I’m Lina. I grew up with your crazy women and I’m currently dating Detroit’s most secretive.”
“Rogan,” he says, shaking her hand. “Heard a lot about you. Is it bullshit?”
“Probably not,” she says, shrugging it off. “I have issues.”
“Yeah,” Rafe says, patting her head like a child. “Your height being all of them.”
Joining the group we do the man shake thing and I can feel the questions burning on their tongues, but they don’t ask. When the girls join us, it starts to get awkward. Awkward meaning Venessa looks pissed at me and Lina is looking pissed at her. Rogan takes me to the side, thanking me for all the troubl
e I’ve caused. I thank him for keeping it quiet in return. He doesn’t get it yet, but he will. They all will.
But it’s her that I watch. Her movement, her smile and her protectiveness. The second anyone tries to corner me, she’s there. I’ve never had anyone be protective of me before. No one has ever been close enough to try. Maybe another man would feel emasculated, but I don’t. I feel fortunate. Lina may not be the most affectionate woman, but she shows she cares for me in other ways. Like squaring off against a room full of her peers on my behalf, for one.
When she talks to Macy, I notice she keeps looking over her shoulder at me, making sure I am alright. Jesus, could she love me already? Is it possible? I wouldn’t deserve it, but I’m selfish enough to take it anyway. When it comes to binding her to me, I have no limits, no rules.
I am willing to do anything to make her love me.
Even continuing to lie.
“Take this,” I told her when we part ways from Macy’s house
“What is it?” she asked, opening it up.
“Don’t open it yet,” I snapped at her. “Wait until you get on the train.”
“Are you alright, Lina?”
“I’m fine,” I mumbled. “I’m just going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you too you know,” she said. “But I’ll know you’ll be fine, I believe in you.”
Hearing the truth of her words made the tears come. I couldn’t break down in front of her, not when she had a chance to leave here and do big things. She would stay for me if I begged, but she deserved a chance. The group isn’t the same anymore. Venessa isn’t Venessa, Macy worries about Venessa and I want to be where Jules is.
This grown up shit sucks.
Instead of words, I wrapped myself around her and squeeze her tight. Life was about to rip us all apart and though I knew in my gut she would be fine, I wasn’t so sure I would.
“I love you, Jules,” I whispered.
“I love you too, Lina,” she whispered back. “We’ll talk all the time,” she said, hopeful.