by K. S. Adkins
“He’s into you,” she says. “You’re into him too, if I’m reading this right.”
“Look, he’s the total package,” I admit. “You’d have to be blind not to see that, but he’s very secretive, possessive and overwhelming. I’m secretive enough as it is. I don’t like feeling possessive, and me and overwhelming do not mix. We have a mutual stake in this mess, that’s it. He has the same objective I do.”
“He makes you happy,” she says, not willing to drop it. “I can see it.”
“He doesn’t make me unhappy,” I defend. “But that’s it. I don’t trust him and you shouldn’t either.”
“Then why are you with him?”
“Because, I only slightly trust him more than I don’t trust him. Look, he knows things, alright? He did something for me a while ago and I told him I’d stick around and help repay the debt. He’s using me to get answers and I know the score.”
“Using you? Using you how?”
“I was born to be used, Jules,” I tell her with my heart open. “I’m good at getting answers and this is personal for me too. When this is over, who knows what will happen? If he walks, he walks. You know I’m not the kind of chick men stick around for. They can’t. Who could blame them? Always watching what they say, me always waiting for it. I don’t want that kind of headache any more than they do.”
“He’s different, Lina,” she says, grabbing my hand. “How can you not see it?”
“True,” I admit. “He is different, but he’s also human. I’d be foolish not to remember that everyone lies sometimes. Even if he stuck around, I’d be waiting for his excuse to leave.”
“Lina,” she whispers, looking sad for me, “isn’t he worth the risk?”
Taking my hand back I can’t do it, I can’t open up anymore. It hurts too fucking much. “I took risks before, Jules and we both know how that turned out. I’m gonna grab a smoke.”
“I’ll come with you,” she says, standing up. “I’m not done trying to convince you yet.”
Following me out, she stands downwind while I light up. Anthony must be wearing off on me because all my girly feelings are telling me to talk it out. “I like him, Jules,” I mumble. “I like everything about him.”
She tells me how even though Max lied to her she would do it all over again to be where she is right now. That’s fucking love, right there. But he doesn’t love me and I don’t know if what I’m feeling is love, lust or confusion.
“I’m not you. He’s not Max and we aren’t in love. What does it tell you that when we fuck a condition of our fucking is that he doesn’t speak?”
“What?” she asks, completely shocked and sad.
“Yep,” I say, inhaling. “If he doesn’t speak, then what I don’t know won’t hurt me. Because eventually he will hurt me Jules and I’m not built for that bullshit.”
“Shit Lina,” she says, pulling me into a tight hug and before I can say another word, she tenses up and yells, “Down!” tackling me to the concrete. Then, all I hear is the deafening spray of bullets. With my right arm casted I’m having trouble reaching for my pistol with my left hand. It isn’t until Jules reaches for her own pistol that it freed me enough to unload the mag on a fucking black SUV that is firing AK’s at us.
When they speed off, I move over a bit, but Jules isn’t moving at all. Moving her onto her back she’s just, still. “Jules!” I scream, shaking her. “Jules stay with me!” She isn’t responding. Oh god, she isn’t responding! Grabbing my hand with surprising strength, she’s so fucking calm that it triggers a terror in me I’ve never felt before.
“It’s okay, Lina,” she says while my tears fall. “It’s going to be okay.”
The lie wrecked me. It tore my soul from my body. It pissed me off. “Don’t you fucking lie to me! Don’t you fucking dare! Why did you do that? It should have been me!”
She smiles a knowing smile at me and her hand falls and when I go to grab it again she can only whisper, so I lean down. “Lina,” she whispers, “flashdrive in my pocket. Take it. Keep it safe. Gonna need it.”
“Jules please,” I beg her. “Stay with me, I need you!”
“Take the risk, Lina,” she manages. “You’re worth it. He’ll protect you.”
Sirens are blazing nearby. She closes her eyes and I just fucking pray for her to hold on. As soon as the medics spot us they run over and just before they reach her, I fish out the flash drive and tuck it in my pocket as she requested. Grabbing my phone, I call Anthony and I keep it simple.
Climbing into the ambulance with her, I watch them run IVs, give her injections, and try and staunch the bleeding. The amount of blood she was losing was startling. I couldn’t tell where she was hit or how many times because the blood was everywhere. I would remember the smell of Jule’s blood for the rest of my life. Refusing to let them move me, I held her hand needing to be close to her. Through it all, she doesn’t move a muscle and I realize at the moment, I could kill anyone and everyone responsible for this. I could do it and never lose sleep over it.
Right now, that’s my most basic truth. And if I wasn’t so fucking lost with the threat of floating close by, I’d realize my premonition was playing out exactly how I saw it.
Visiting their gravesite never gets any easier. Each year I find myself on their anniversary and I can’t tell them I’m the man they raised me to be. I can’t tell them all of the people responsible have been dealt with either. I haven’t excelled at my job. I have virtually no friends and I’ve lied to those that try to get close to me.
More than anything, I fear I’ve closed myself off to love. Part of me wonders if I’d set the bar too high and that part wonders if a love like theirs was the exception, not the rule. Brushing the leaves aside, I trace their names, wishing I had been the son they expected me to be. Venessa and Macy have dealt with unspeakable horrors, yet they have found happiness, but my thoughts are focused on a woman more fucked up than I am.
Maybe it was time to put childish things aside and just settle for a woman who can tolerate me. I don’t have much to offer a woman emotionally, I know that. I lack a sense of humor because when I lost my parents, I lost my reason to laugh. Having no hobbies to speak of, I’ve made revenge my pastime. Sitting in a booth alone every weekend doesn’t make me mysterious. It makes me pathetic. Women make no effort to get to know me, or I them. The only decent thing I’d done was pair Venessa up with Rogan, but even that was for my own reasons.
Feeling sorry for myself, I stood up and walked back to my car wondering if I’ll ever be worthy of a woman like Lina. Her life’s purpose is truth. The longer I watch her, the more I see it and respect her for it. I tell myself that by staying in the shadows I’m doing her a favor. But deep down, I know it’s because I fear she’ll see my life for the one big lie that it is, and for now that’s what keeps me hidden.
Max knew I had no intentions on helping him with the grill. It’s a one man job. His. But I did want to talk to him and clear the air. I owe Max the truth. Or at least as much as I think he can handle, but I also need the advice of a friend. Christ, a friend. It hits me Max has been a friend, only I haven’t been. I give him permission to rail at me, but Max being Max and avoiding confrontation, tells me I must have had my reasons, and that he knows who he can count on. That it wasn’t me. Yeah, that hurt. I explained that getting Lina on our side was imperative, that without her we won’t win, and though he looks skeptical, he nods in agreement. He did say he needs my help and is disappointed I let him down. I let him know that in fact he did not need my help and that he needed more faith in himself. I needed him to understand Lina was the game changer.
After my explanation it got tricky. He wanted to know what the holdup was. How to explain that without sounding like an asshole when it came to Lina? “Maybe the fact that she has to turn traitor against the very people she once called friends? Something’s happened to her that she won’t share with me yet, but I’m confident she will in time. She’s very closed off. She isn’t very trusti
ng in the first place, so finding out the justice system you signed up to defend is fucking you, isn’t sitting well with her. Hearing everything that’s happening here has her wanting to help some, but she’s not ready to go all in.”
“She doesn’t strike me as someone who puts up with anyone’s shit,” he says. “Any idea what’s happened to her?”
“I have a few theories,” I admit, “But can be a tough woman to communicate with.”
“Because you can’t lie to her?”
“No,” I say, standing up to pace. “Because I won’t lie to her.”
“I don’t follow.”
Explaining to him a bit about her background and the abuse she suffered from her parents being one of the many reasons I believe she struggles with trust. It kills me to know that she’s waiting for me to fuck it up so she can feel justified in keeping herself at a distance. At this point, I can’t figure out what the fuck else to do to show her I’m legit. The whole truth won’t work because the longer you let a lie go the worse it is when you spill it. I’m not ready to spill it. Problem was, I couldn’t spill the truth to Max yet either. Telling him about her past felt like a betrayal but it couldn’t be helped. If for no other reason than helping him understand that I left for a good reason and that my feelings for her were real. Then figuring I’ve said enough for now I look over at his disaster of a grill. He laughs looking over at me and says “You’ve never got your hands dirty in your life, have you?”
“You’d be surprised, my friend, how dirty these hands can get.” Then my phone rings, cutting me off, and it’s her, “Hang on, its Lina.”
“Get Max to Receiving right fucking now,” she screams into the phone. “Drive by. Jules has been shot.”
Jesus Christ, no. I can’t go out there and tell him this, but I can’t not tell him either. I need to keep him calm and be ready for him to go mad. Walking back out to the patio it must show on my face. “What happened?” Max asks.
“Sit down, Max” I urge him.
“Tell me!” he screams at me.
“Drive by. Jules has been shot she’s at Receiving---” Before I can finish, he’s running through the house. Following him, I try both Rogan and Rafe, but it goes to voicemail. “What the fuck is going on?“ I yell to the ceiling, but in the next moment I’m doing eighty behind Max to get to the hospital for him, Jules, and my woman. Leaving our keys in our cars, we burst through the hallways to the emergency wing. We pass a waiting room but then I run back and see Lina curled up in a chair covered in blood. Jules’s blood. “Max!” I yell, and he and I both crash through the door at the same time.
When she looks up and sees me, she wasted no time running into my open arms.
“Stop taking the heat for us, “says Jules, pulling me away from the others. “I’m serious.”
“Relax,” I told her. “It’s no big deal. Our records stay clean and I work it off. It’s a win/ win.”
“Bullshit,” she said. “He’s using you and it’s time for us to grow up anyway. No more, Lina. Promise me.”
“No.”
“Lina…”
“I don’t listen to my own mother and last time I checked, I hadn’t put an ad out for another. In a few months none of this will matter anyway so chill out.”
“It does matter because you’ll be indebted to him for the rest of your life!”
“No,” I tell her firmly. “I won’t.”
“What does that mean?”
“He’ll cut me loose soon, Red. Don’t worry about it.”
“Is he dirty?”
“Ha!” I laugh. “Who isn’t?”
“Do they know?” she asks, nodding over at the girls.
“No,” I tell her. “And it stays that way.”
The less they knew the better.
Memories of us plague me. I try to bring forth the good ones, but the memory that takes me over is crying into her neck the day I found out my parents removed themselves from my emergency card at school. When the principal called me down to ask me why, I didn’t have an answer to give him, even though the answer was simply, they hated me. I begged Jules to take me with her, to let me be her side kick. I was willing to join the Army even knowing they’d crush me but, I’d endure it as long as I was close to her.
Jules saved me from everything, or at least she tried to.
Mostly though, she saved me from myself. A lifetime of being unwanted, abused, then cut off by my own parents, I was at the end of my rope. If she left, there was no way I could cope without her. Only I did, because she believed in me and I wanted to prove her right. Now I’m in the here waiting to see if she’s going to pull through. She has to because my Jules is the strongest woman I know.
This afternoon instead of hearing her, I was lost in my own world of doubt. I was feeling sorry for myself because good things didn’t happen to freaks like me. Then, she saved my life when really, she shouldn’t have. Jules was worth keeping around, not me. How do I tell Max she sacrificed her life for mine? If anyone deserves a shot at a fulfilling life, it’s her.
Rocking back and forth, holding on to what little sanity I have left, I know it is Anthony in my life that keeps me from crumbling right now. Then I recall what Jules said to me; to take the risk, that he would protect me. In the short time I’ve known him, he’s changed me, marked me in a way even I can’t explain. I told her if he walks, he walks. But deep down, I know if he walked away, I’d be the one wrapped around his ankles begging him to stay.
Jules is never wrong.
Until today I was willing to help from a distance, certain not to get to close. I’ve always felt my proximity put people off after a period of time, so I never stayed in one spot long enough to let that happen. No one likes to be called out on a lie, and for me, when I see it, it’s truly a compulsion for me to bring attention to it. Whether it’s to save someone from making it a habit, or a form of OCD for me, I can’t say, but I do know it’s a sure fire way to make your friends miserable. Trust me, misery and I go way back.
My line of work has a high suicide rate for an average person, but I’m not average. Each time I show to a scene, people are shocked to see me, probably surprised I haven’t hung myself yet. If only they knew how close I was to proving them right. My grasp on reality is slipping and though I fight it, it’s getting more and more difficult to stay away from the darkness. What did I expect to happen when I surround myself with it? Hell, I get paid very well for doing it. I was certain lies would be what finally steals reality away from me, leaving me a shell, but after he stalked his way into my life, (literally),I’m not so sure and I don’t trust that either. Anthony tracked me down for the sole purpose of using me, and though I held part of myself back before, now I’ll let him take advantage. He’ll never know what it’s going to cost me, and I have no intention of telling him, any of them.
This is me, going all in.
The sound of heavy breathing has me lifting my head up. Like we are in tune, I always know when he’s near. Snapping out of it, I decide Jules was right. She believes in me, in love, and taking chances. Jules is the queen of taking chances. Running straight into his arms, I decide to take chances of my own. If the worst happens and he breaks my heart, then at least I can say I tried. As far as the rest goes, I’m living on borrowed time anyway. I’m one case away from cracking. But nobody fucks with Jules and gets away it. Nodamnbody.
If this is the one that sends me into oblivion, then, so fucking-be-it. I’ll float with a god damn smile on my face as long as my friends are safe.
Holding onto him with everything I’ve got, he leans in and whispers, “Max needs answers, Lina, can you do that?” Moving away from him slowly, I turn and look at Max. So big, so strong, and right now, so helpless. Flinging myself into his arms, he holds me extra tight. Maybe he knows I needed it?
“I’m so glad you’re safe,” he says quietly. “Please tell me what happened. I have to know.”
So I do.
I waited for Max to go mad, but he didn’t.
Instead, he pulled out his phone and contacted her team. Judging by the quick disconnect, they’ll be here within minutes. Her boys love her fiercely.
Before chaos reigned, I break the silence by speaking up. They both look at me like I sprouted two heads. Max with gratitude and Anthony… with worry? “I’m in,” I announce. “Priority one is Jules, after that, you lead and I’ll follow.”
Pausing, Anthony closes his eyes, and when he opens them again, I see he’s resigned. “Okay Sherlock.” He pulls me to his side. “Okay.”
“I asked you not to call me that in public,” I whisper, “or you know, ever.”
“She’ll pull through,” Max announces. “And when she does, she’ll be right there with you tearing the city apart.”
“I’m counting on it,” I say, hugging him and Anthony at once. Suddenly the air is super charged with her white knights arrival. Jules always did have a loyal following. While Max calms Bishop down, I stay back. When I notice Macy coming out of her room, I stop in her in the hall because I wasn’t ready to see her yet. Looking down and seeing I’m still wearing her blood makes me very angry all over again. “Tell me,” I say, preventing them from going around me. “She sustained a gunshot wound to the back. It penetrated, meaning the bullet had to be surgically removed. It didn’t exit her body---”
“I know what penetration versus perforation means, Macy,” I snap at her. “Did it hit anything vital? How much blood did she lose? Is she expected to make a full recovery?”
“The doctor’s declared her hemodynamic unstable which means right now she can’t survive without machines. Her blood pressure is too low and she lost a large amount of blood. Her heart can’t work on its own right now. The next twenty four hours are---”
I couldn’t listen another second longer. “Thanks, Macy,” I tell her, walking away. “For everything.”
I need to get out of here. I need to get home, but first I need to make my intentions clear so there was no misunderstanding where my loyalty lied. An hour later, when I was pretending to tune the guys out, I listen as Max throws down the gauntlet. He said what I already knew, so it is time to take this to the next level.