by Amy Andrews
Rilla did as he asked, pulling up her grey T-shirt, unzipping and slipping down her cargo pants until they gave Luca an unrestricted view. She stared at the ceiling, trying really, really hard not to cry. She couldn’t look at the screen, she just couldn’t. The cool gel landed on her skin and she flinched.
‘Sorry,’ Luca murmured.
Rilla shut her eyes hard, wiping away a tear that squeezed out from behind her lids. It didn’t matter. What was a bit of cold gel? If she was losing this baby, nothing would matter ever again. She felt the probe down low on her stomach and clenched her fists, waiting to hear the verdict.
Luca took a couple of deep breaths. He glanced at Rilla lying there rigidly and knew exactly how she felt. Could he bear to look at the screen and see his precious baby had died? Was he capable of delivering the bad news to her if he couldn’t find the heartbeat?
His hand shook as the probe rolled across the skin of Rilla’s abdomen. He could barely hear anything over the roar of his pulse in his ears. It took him seconds to locate what he was after. Seconds more for the visual information to penetrate his suddenly paralysed brain.
A strong central flicker beating away merrily.
Luca shut his eyes as relief slowly washed through his system and when he opened them again he was on steadier emotional ground. Their baby was safe.
‘There it is,’ he murmured, his eyes glued to the screen, the movement compelling. ‘One strong little heartbeat.’
Rilla’s eyes flew open, her head lifted, seeking the small screen eagerly. He was right—there it was. It was blurry and fuzzy but it was most definitely a very wriggly baby-shaped form, all head and bones, with a steady central flicker. Rilla felt her breath hiss noisily from her lungs. She didn’t dare hope.
She looked at Luca. ‘What if it’s clinging on for dear life, beating madly, fighting against the inevitable pull?’
The phone rang and Luca reached over to pick it up with his spare hand, using his shoulder to hold it in place while he kept the probe positioned with the other.
Rilla didn’t even hear the conversation as her body systems gradually came back on line. She stared and stared at the image, finding the flickering mesmerising. It didn’t falter.
Luca replaced the phone, a huge grin on his face. ‘That was the lab. Your beta HCG is through the roof. No wonder you’ve been so ill. This is a very viable baby.’
‘But I’ve stopped feeling sick. Just like that. Just like a switch flipping,’ Rilla persisted.
Luca shrugged. ‘Well, put it down to an early Christmas gift from the baby. I wouldn’t count on it lasting too long.’
Rilla’s head fell back against the couch, relief swamping her with a deluge of emotions. She smiled and then she laughed and then before she knew it her face had completely crumpled and a sob had escaped her mouth.
‘Hey,’ Luca chided. His gaze met Rilla’s and he felt an overwhelming wave of emotion sweep up over him.
It was too intense to analyse but he knew it was about more than her being the mother of his child. And it was almost impossible to resist. He wanted to gather her into his arms and hold her tight. He dropped the transducer and hauled her against him.
‘Oh, Luca,’ Rilla choked, wiping at the hot tears that fell unabated from her eyes. ‘I thought I was losing…We were…I was so scared.’
‘I know,’ he said. ‘I know.’ He’d been pretty damn scared himself.
‘I thought I was being p-punished again.’
Luca frowned. ‘Punished? Don’t be silly. For what?’
Rilla shook her head. It didn’t matter. She’d never said anything to Luca about it last time. Never told anyone. Hadn’t ever planned to. It had just slipped out in the emotional landslide triggered by the deluge of relief that had swept thought her system.
‘It’s nothing,’ she dismissed, her voice still thick with tears.
‘Rilla.’ He set her back from him a bit and swept the loose hair that had fallen from her hasty ponytail back from her face. ‘It wasn’t your fault. Nothing either of us did caused the miscarriage.’
Rilla shook her head. ‘No, you don’t understand.’ There was one thing she had never told him, had tried to forget herself. But she’d borne it for so long now she just needed to get it out. She mentally prepared herself for Luca’s recoil but she couldn’t bear the burden of it any longer. ‘Back then…when…’ She took a deep breath. ‘A part of me didn’t want the baby.’
Rilla shut her eyes to block out the look of horror she knew she’d see on Luca’s face. He’d wanted the baby right from the start.
‘Oh, Rilla,’ Luca said, softly and wiped at a tear as it trekked down her cheek.
She opened her eyes. ‘I was so young and we were just married.’ Rilla choked on a sob. ‘I was happy about it…It was just a shock…and I’d hoped we’d have more time together as a couple and I didn’t know if I’d be any good at it. And then…’
Luca’s heart went out to her. ‘Oh, Rilla. Rilla, Rilla,’ he crooned. She’d been blaming herself all these years over a perfectly normal reaction to an unplanned pregnancy. ‘I felt the same way,’ he confessed.
Rilla blinked. ‘You…you did?’ she sniffled.
He gave her a sad smile. ‘I did. I wanted the baby and I was happy but it was very unexpected and it took me a little while to adjust.’
‘But…but you were ecstatic about it.’ She frowned.
‘Because I thought that’s what you wanted me to be. But deep down I was a bit panicky. Initially anyway. I got used to the idea very quickly.’
Rilla felt another hot tear roll down her face. ‘Same here.’
Luca wiped it away, her sad face too much to bear on such a happy day. ‘Hush,’ he said as her face crumpled again and he pulled her back into his arms. They’d both carried terrible guilt for too many years. It was good for them both to finally have it out there.
He held her for a long time, until her sobbing abated and she lay quietly within his embrace. He gently eased away from her. ‘Feel better now?’ he asked.
Rilla nodded. She felt immeasurably lighter. To know that Luca had gone through similar feelings had been an epiphany. Why, oh, why hadn’t they turned to each other back then, instead of being too ashamed and guilty to admit their true feelings?
Luca’s shirt had a sticky wet patch where he’d collected some of the gel off Rilla’s stomach. He pulled a tissue out of the box that was sitting on the bottom of the trolley and pushed Rilla gently back against the couch so he could wipe the remaining goo off her.
As his hands stroked over her stomach he was excruciatingly aware his child was beneath it and they’d just had a very close call. He placed his hand on her stomach. ‘Do you mind?’ he asked huskily.
Rilla’s breath caught in her throat as she shook her head and watched Luca lower his head to her stomach and drop gentle, reverent kisses across her abdomen.
‘There is nothing in this world more important to me than you,’ he murmured to the life beneath, Rilla’s skin soft against his mouth. ‘I will devote all my life to loving you and looking after you.’
Rilla pushed her fingers into his hair, his dark head near her belly, talking quietly to their baby, so very intimate. Her heart overflowed with love for him.
‘And your mother. I will look after her as well.’
Luca glanced up at Rilla and her skin tingled where his whiskers had grazed. His eyes shone with love, but not the kind she wanted, and her heart almost broke in two.
There is nothing in this world more important to me than you.
His exact words. He loved the baby, that much was plain. But her? Only as the mother of his child.
‘How can I ever thank you for giving me such a precious gift?’ Luca murmured.
Love me. Love me, damn you.
Rilla felt a lump rise in her throat. But she knew with a sickening reality their relationship would only ever be about the baby for Luca. That she’d never see him look at her with such loving tenderness. Th
at he may desire her but he was saving all his love for their baby. And he’d never given her any reason to believe otherwise.
She’d been living in some fantasy land where Luca was going to eventually realise he still loved her and sweep her off her feet again. But as his big hand warmed her stomach it was blatantly obvious she was never going to be anything other than the mother of his child. A life-support system for a womb.
Rilla sat up, displacing his hands. She fumbled with the zip, her heart pounding, her course becoming clearer and clearer. She had bartered her love for Luca with the universe for her baby’s life but she realised now it had been an impossible bargain. She could never not love him. And she certainly couldn’t be with him if he didn’t love her.
Her life stretched before her interminably. A loveless marriage. Putting on an act for their child and a brave face for the rest of the world. ‘I can’t do this, Luca. I’m sorry, I thought I could but I can’t.’
Luca frowned and rocked back onto his heels. ‘What do you mean? Can’t do what?’
‘This,’ she said, standing and moving away from him. ‘Us. Let’s face it, if it wasn’t for this baby there’d be no reconciliation. I’m just a walking womb to you. And that’s fine, you never promised me anything else. But I can’t do it.’
Luca felt as if she had slapped him. Dio! He felt the first pulse of anger enter his circulation. ‘No! You’re wrong.’ How could she think that? After these last weeks? If that was what she really thought, there was no hope for them.
Rilla gave a harsh laugh and swallowed another ball of tears that threatened. The more she thought about it, the more convinced she became. And the more convinced, the more depressed.
Surely she deserved a full, mature relationship? How had she thought she could ever settle for less?
‘How can you deny it, Luca? Everything you do, every decision you make, centres around the baby. Even when we made love last night, when I was out of my mind with wanting you, all you could think about was how to do it so it was safest for the baby. Face it—I’m just a receptacle for your child,’ she said miserably. ‘A warm body for it to grow in.’
‘Rilla, no!’ Luca denied quickly. How could she think such a thing? He felt…he felt…Damn it. He didn’t know how he felt, but she made him sound so callous. ‘I’m sorry I have made you feel like that and if you’re worried about how I will be with you after the baby is born, please don’t be,’ he hastened to assure her.
‘We will always need you. I will always treat you with the utmost courtesy and respect, as befitting the mother of my child.’
Rilla couldn’t decide if she wanted to cry or scream. She didn’t want his saintly devotion to her mothering skills, his platonic companionship. The mere thought was as depressing as hell. She wanted him to love her and all the highs and lows that brought with it.
‘And what if I don’t want that, Luca? What if I want you to disrespect me sometimes? What if I don’t want you to be polite and courteous? What if I want more?’
Luca frowned. What the hell was with her? Were the hormones making her insane? Was this about sex again? Her breasts were heaving an agitated rhythm within the confines of her T-shirt and suddenly he was thinking about sex even if she wasn’t. He really needed to get that under control.
‘But, Rilla…’ he said carefully, not sure of the woman who sat before him with red eyes and a beseeching gaze. She looked fifty per cent crazed and one hundred per cent desirable, and he didn’t know much about where this conversation was heading or what it was really about, but he knew he had to tread delicately. ‘We agreed that this was going to be about the baby.’
Rilla felt a sharp pain in her chest and rubbed at it absently. It hurt. It hurt inside so much. She knew she must look a sight. She was crying again, wiping at her eyes uselessly as more tears spilled out. ‘I know, I know that’s what we agreed.’
Luca reached for her and she put out her hands to ward him off. ‘No, Luca.’ If he touched her now, she’d agree to anything. She had to stay strong.
Luca felt completely useless. Rilla was an emotional wreck, no doubt a delayed reaction to the fright she’d just had and all he wanted to do was hold her, but she was so mad at him for some reason.
What on earth was she going on about? He only cared about her because she was the mother of his child? That he only thought of her as a receptacle? Didn’t she know that, try as he may to keep to their bargain, she got under his skin? He didn’t know what she wanted or how to comfort her.
‘Damn it, Rilla, what do you want?’
I need you to love me, you fool.
Oh, God, was he that dense, that closed off to her he couldn’t see? She took some deep breaths. ‘I want you to sign the divorce papers. We can work out some parenting agreement that suits us both, but I can’t live with you, Luca.’
Luca reeled from her demand as if hit by a physical force. No! He didn’t want a damn divorce. If he’d wanted one he would have initiated proceedings a long time ago or signed the papers when they’d arrived.
He stared at her, willing her to take the words back. They’d been getting on so well. Getting to know each other over again. Building a life together. He thought she’d been happy. He’d begun to hope that maybe one day they could be even more. Was a future with him that bad?
He wanted to shake her but she was standing there crying, looking utterly wretched, and he felt impotent. Like after the miscarriage, when he’d known she’d been hurting but hadn’t known how to reach her. He couldn’t bear to put her through that again.
‘Fine, damn it,’ he snapped, and strode to his desk. The divorce papers had been sitting there since his return. He yanked open the drawer and pulled them out. ‘Is this what you want?’
He looked at her and waited for her to deny it. To tell him she was tired and hormonal and not to be silly. But she nodded her head, despite looking even more miserable. He picked up a pen from his desk and signed in the indicated places.
Rilla watched in abject misery. This was it. It was over. Luca was as mad as hell if his bold, angry slashes were any gauge, but it was better than companionship and a platonic marriage.
Luca seethed as he signed. More than seethed, he realised his whole world was breaking apart. Every fibre of his being was urging him not to sign. Damn it, of course she meant more to him than a vessel for the baby she was giving him. He wanted her also, he couldn’t help it. But that was desire. That was sex.
But even as he protested he knew it was wrong. It was so much more than desire. She had always held his heart. It was why he still wore his wedding ring seven years down the track. Why he hadn’t been with another woman despite numerous offers. Why he hadn’t filed for divorce. Why he hadn’t signed the papers. Why just receiving the papers had sent him posthaste to the other side of the world.
Dio! He still loved her. How could he have been so blind? He’d been treating her as a mother figure in order to keep his distance from her and protect his heart, but it hadn’t worked. He looked ahead to a future without her, a future these blasted papers would ensure, and the urge to tear them up possessed him.
He straightened, gathered them together lest he act on his impulse, and held them out to Rilla. She was crying quietly, looking like she had just lost a million dollars, not been given the one thing she’d said she wanted.
What if I want you to disrespect me sometimes? What if I want more?
Her words came back to him. That’s what she’d said and she was looking at the papers as if he’d signed them in a pen dipped in poison. Had she acted so demented and cried so much because she didn’t want the damn papers at all? Because she still loved him too?
Did he dare hope? ‘Are you sure, Rilla?’ he asked, his voice husky, holding on to one end of the papers as she held on to the other. ‘Are you absolutely sure?’
Rilla didn’t know how much more she could stand. She’d cried a bucketload that morning but there was so much more to come and she knew she wasn’t far away from c
ompletely breaking down.
Luca could feel her grip loosening on the papers and see she was wavering. ‘We’ve done so many things wrong, Rilla. Let’s at least do something right. Let’s be honest with each other. Once and for all.’
Rilla felt her heart flop in her chest. What did he mean? He was looking at her, his dark gaze earnest, and there was something unreadable in it. Whatever it was, it was intense. Dared she hope? She let go of the papers and sank into one of his office chairs.
Luca faced her, his love for her swelling inside him.
‘I’ve been such a fool. I told myself I was over you and that we could make this about the baby but I was wrong. Yes, I want this baby, and I’ll no doubt still be unbearably over-protective and nag you when you lift anything heavy and fuss around making sure you’re eating properly. But I’m the father, it’s my job. My father wasn’t there for me so I’m going to be there for my child. Like a lion watching over his pride. I’m sorry if you don’t like that about me, but it’s who I am.’
Rilla felt goose-bumps break out on her arms and she rubbed them absently. Of course she wanted Luca to be a strong father. Watchful and protective, but not to the exclusion of all else. Not pushing her out of the pride in the process.
‘I love you, Rilla. I never stopped. I want us to live together as husband and wife, in the truest sense of the word. No more sham. I had seven years without you and I was utterly miserable. I don’t want to waste any more time pretending I’m not in love with you when, in fact, the love I felt for you has grown and matured and is so much bigger than it ever was before.’
She stared at him, his speech slowly sinking in. His words of love and a true marriage were making her dizzy, going straight to her head. So much more than she’d ever hoped for, but she had to be sure of his motivation. ‘Because of the baby.’
‘No. Not because of the baby. Because of you. I came back to Australia for you.’
Rilla’s heart leapt at his words but she still needed to be sure. She frowned. ‘I thought you came back for closure. For the job?’