by Lisa Unger
“I wanted to see you, Tommy,” she said finally. “I just can’t believe you killed Sarah.”
His body seemed to sag. He turned his face from her and rubbed at his neck as if it was itching. When he looked back at her, there was something blank, something cold on his face.
“Well, you’re the only one in The Hollows who doesn’t believe that,” he said. His tone was at once bitter and resigned. His voice had gone much deeper in adulthood, a bit gravelly from smoking. She realized that even though he was in the office regularly, she hadn’t really spoken to him in years-maybe just a quick hello or good-bye. She still saw him as a boy, a student at her school. She hadn’t updated the picture in her mind’s eye. She fixated on his hands. They were cleaner than she’d ever seen them. Usually they were black at the nails, grease caked into his calluses. She tried to imagine those hands, those dirty, hardworking hands, doing terrible things, dipped in blood. She couldn’t.
“You confessed,” she said.
“Yes.” She was a little surprised to hear it. Maybe she had expected him to tell her that he hadn’t confessed, that it was a mistake or a lie.
“And you confessed because you did-,” she said, stumbling over the phrasing. “Because you killed her.”
“Because I-,” he started, then didn’t finish. He just stood up and hung up the phone. He called for the guard. When the handcuffs were around his wrists, he raised them to her-in a gesture of resignation or farewell, she never did find out.
She hadn’t known what to say when he left her so abruptly. She’d had the urge to call after him, to press him. In the end, she’d just watched him go and then left as well, feeling selfish and wrong about the visit. But she’d also left convinced that she’d been right about him, that he didn’t have it in him to torture, mutilate, rape, and kill a young girl. And she’d vowed to do something about it, though she didn’t know what.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
She’d drifted off on the floor; she didn’t know for how long. Now that the door to the attic was open, she wasn’t even sure the sound was coming from up there. It seemed to come from the air all around her, inside her own head. She wondered how long she’d have to lie here like this before someone found her. She thought she’d try for the cane again when she felt less tired. But for now, she found herself content to wander through the attic of her life. She wanted, no needed, to visit those dark places and examine all the things she’d done and hadn’t done, and to make amends where she could-before she lost what fragile hold she still had on it all.
21
Travis opened the door for Jones and offered him a beer, which Jones declined in spite of really, really wanting one. There was a yellow light glowing over the kitchen sink, a nearly full ashtray and an open bottle of beer on a table in the room’s center, as if Travis had been just sitting there, smoking and drinking, staring off into space. The room was devoid of decoration, just clean Formica countertops and old appliances. The only decorative touch was an old calendar hanging on the fridge, still on December of the year before, every square blank, a topless woman stretching over the hood of a Cadillac.
“Marshall home?”
A quick shake of his head. “What’s he done?”
“I don’t know. Maybe nothing. I just want to talk to him.”
Jones told Travis about Charlene, about the message she’d sent to Marshall, about the witness who’d spotted the car. Travis took a seat at the table, lit a cigarette. The smell made Jones sick, but he didn’t say anything. Cigarette smoke reminded him of Abigail. He barely had a memory of her that didn’t include a cigarette in her hand or dangling from her mouth. More brand cigarettes-long and brown like shrunken dead fingers, crooked and pointing, piles of them in ashtrays all over the house. When she died and he sold the house, the real estate agent had made him strip the curtains and the wallpaper, even rip up the carpet. Everything was yellowed and stiff, reeking of smoke.
“He said he took some girl for a ride the other night. But that was early in the evening,” Travis said. “Anyway, I didn’t believe him. He lives in his head on that computer upstairs.”
He said it without heat. Jones nodded, walked over to the refrigerator, saw a magnet from Pop’s Pizza. He thought about his own kitchen, cluttered with every possible gadget, colorful ceramic bowls, at least one pile of catalogs and mail, a little gathering of cute salt and pepper shakers that Maggie had haphazardly collected over the years-little Eiffel Towers, dancing pigs, an egg and a yolk. She was always complaining about the lack of counter space. Get rid of some of this junk, Jones would say. It’s not junk, it’s life, she’d answer.
“I saw your boy last night,” said Travis.
“Where?”
“At Pop’s,” he said, gesturing toward the magnet as if that was what had made him think of it. “He was sitting there, looking like he’d dropped his ice cream cone on the sidewalk.”
“Alone?”
“Yeah. Stood up from the looks of it. Checking his phone, dialing and hanging up.”
Jones felt something loosen in his chest. If Ricky had told the truth about that, maybe he was telling the truth about everything. When relief passed, guilt rose in its place. This search is more about you than it is about him, Maggie had accused. Maybe she was right.
“Charlene is Ricky’s girl, isn’t she?” Travis said.
“Yeah,” said Jones, sitting across from Travis. The other man took a long draw from his beer. They were easy together, always had been, even with, or maybe because of, the past they shared.
“That must kill you, Jonesy. It must keep you up at night.”
Travis was already over the line Jones had seen him cross too many times. They’d all go out for a drink, a bunch of guys from the precinct, and the rounds would start coming. By about round three, Travis would start to change. Depending on his mood, he’d get rowdy, or maudlin, or just plain mean. His face would turn a particular shade of red, his voice would take on a certain pitch. And soon a few of the guys who couldn’t handle it would beg off for the night. Usually, someone would wind up taking Travis home. Often it was Jones. Travis didn’t bother Jones as much as he did some of the other guys. Jones understood him, knew the size and shape of the baggage he carried, how much it all weighed.
“She wouldn’t have been my choice for him,” said Jones, smiling in spite of himself.
Travis took another swig off his bottle. “She looks like her mother.”
Jones gave a snort. “Mel never looked that good.”
“Come on. You fucked Melody Murray.”
“No, man. I never. That was you.”
Travis laughed again; this time it took on a hooting quality. “Now, that’s true. I popped her cherry-in her mama’s bed.”
“That’s what I always heard.”
They both chuckled for a bit. For a minute they were just two middle-aged guys who’d known each other nearly forever.
Then, “So where’s Marshall, Travis?”
“He took the car a while ago. Pissed at me, as usual. Said he was going to sleep at his grandpa’s. He actually seems to like the old bastard.”
“You and your dad still not talking?”
Travis cast his eyes to the ashtray and ground out his cigarette. “You know, the DUI, losing my job. I disgraced him, he says.” Travis started to laugh a little then, but Jones could see there was no humor in it. “Disgraced. Like he’s the queen of England.”
Travis started tapping his fingers on the table, beating out a nervous rhythm. Then he lit up again. Jones could see yellow stains on his index and middle fingers.
“I’m going to need to talk to Marshall, Travis. Like, right now. Tonight.”
Good humor abandoned Travis’s features, and that familiar darkness settled in around his eyes and the line of his mouth.
“How’s the transmission on your vehicle?” Jones asked.
Travis gave Jones a slow blink. “Needs work.”
He stood up quickly, and Jones did the same. I
t was never a good idea to be sitting when Travis was standing. Travis left the room and returned a moment later with a beat-up denim jacket.
“I’ll come with you,” he said. “To find Marshall.”
That was the last thing he needed, Travis along for the ride. But there was something about the way the other man looked that ignited a familiar feeling of pity within Jones. It was that same thing that always drew them together. Besides, Marshall was a minor; Jones couldn’t really talk to the kid without a parent around anyway.
“Suit yourself.”
The sky outside had turned quickly and totally from dusk to night. Jones and Sarah looked anyplace but at each other-Sarah looking at her knees, Jones messing with the radio-while Travis and Melody rocked the car in the backseat, laughing, moaning, until finally it stopped. Jones flipped through the stations; they only got a few back then, whatever happened to carry in from bigger cities that day. Sometimes on 712 AM, The Hollows Wave, the night DJ played some decent stuff. But that night all Jones could get was an alternative station.
“Oh, I love this song,” Sarah said. Jones had no idea what the song was or who was singing, but he didn’t want to seem uncool. She didn’t say anything else.
“Are you two just going to sit there?” asked Travis, popping his head between the front seat headrests.
Neither Jones nor Sarah answered; they just exchanged an embarrassed look. She definitely didn’t act like a girl who enjoyed giving head, not that he’d ever met a girl like that. Really, most girls-in his limited experience-didn’t want anything to do with what was going on in your pants. Most of them just wanted to kiss, maybe do a little rubbing. Most of the girls he knew balked at even putting their hands down there.
“There’s no point in pretending you’re a prude, Sarah,” said Travis. “We all know the truth.”
Sarah frowned, turned to study him and Melody. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Melody started to giggle. “Come on, Sarah. Lighten up.”
Travis and Melody were both stoned stupid, now laughing like idiots. Finally, Travis pushed open the door and the two of them tumbled out, ran screaming into the woods. They left the door open, and the cold air quickly filled the car. Jones got out and closed it, could still hear their voices off in the distance, like the calling of barred owls. He returned to the driver’s side.
“Can you just take me home?” Sarah asked. “My mom is going to be really worried. And really mad.” She looked like she might cry, eyes wide, corners of her mouth turned down.
“Yeah, okay. Sure,” he said. “They’ll be back in a minute and we’ll go.”
He noticed that some of the tension in her shoulders released with a breath. And her arms, which had been wrapped firmly around her middle, relaxed a bit.
“What did he mean ‘We all know the truth’? What’s he talking about?”
“Don’t listen to Travis,” Jones said. He felt embarrassed. “He’s got problems.”
“No, really. I want to know.”
He should have told her that he had no idea what Travis was talking about, just left it at that. But there was a small part of him-a young, stupid part of him-that wondered if the whole innocent thing was just an act she was putting on. Maybe, he thought, if he just told her what he knew, she’d relax. Maybe it was even true.
“Travis says someone told him that you give good head.” The words sounded clumsy, felt awkward on his tongue.
She stared at him blankly but slowly started to shrink away from him again. She looked down at her knees. “I don’t know what that means,” she said.
He felt his face flush. “Uh, you know.”
“No,” she said, getting angry now. “I don’t.”
Jones found himself gripping the wheel, wishing he’d never listened to Travis, wishing he could be anywhere but where he was. Finally, he left the car.
“Crosby!” he yelled into the darkness. “Let’s go. Let’s get out of here. I have to get home.”
He heard the car door open and close, and then determined footsteps on the ground.
“What does it mean?” she asked. He turned to face her. She was tiny, much smaller than he was, but somehow her direct and powerful stare cowed him.
“Oh, God,” he groaned, looking up at the starry sky. “You know, like a blow job, okay? That you suck cock.”
She stepped away as if he’d slapped her, and he felt like he had, he was so ashamed in that moment. She was a nice girl. She was innocent.
“I want my stuff out of the trunk,” she said. Her voice was faint.
“Why?” he asked. “You can’t walk from here. Your house is miles away, and it’s dark.”
He’d driven them out of The Hollows and down past the dairy farm to a state park that closed at dusk but where no one ever bothered to pull the gate shut. They were three miles from town, surrounded by nearly five hundred acres of yellow poplar, hemlock, American beech, iron-wood, dogwood, red and white oak. Kids from school came here a lot, sometimes to play, sometimes at night to drink or make out. He came here often to walk or run the five miles of trails; sometimes he did his homework on one of the picnic tables or down by the rushing Black River just to be away from his mother, from everyone.
“Look,” he said, raising his palms. “I’m sorry. Let’s just wait for those guys and then we’ll all go.”
She shot him an annoyed glance and then walked to the head of the rocky path that led into the park. “Melody!” she yelled. “Let’s go. I have homework.”
Her voice bounced off the rock walls of the glacial ravine, came back sounding haunted and strained. But she stayed there, looking into the park even though no one called back to her.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, coming up behind her. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m a jerk.”
He could see that she was shivering, so he shrugged off his varsity jacket and draped it over her shoulders. She seemed to consider refusing, then offered a weak smile, pulled it tight around her. He noticed then the sweet turn of her nose, the wide, full shape to her lips. Her eyes were heavily lidded, almost sleepy, but their color-hazel with flecks of green and gold-shone in the amber light.
“Who says that?” she asked him, after a moment. “Why would they say that about me? I don’t-I haven’t.”
Jones kicked at a stone by his foot; it skipped off into the brush.
“Forget it,” she said.
Jones shrugged. “You know what? Probably no one said that. It was probably just Travis being a tool. He’s, you know… troubled.” He made a looping motion with his finger and pulled a funny face. They both laughed then, and he felt the awkwardness between them pass. But the next second, Travis and Melody emerged from the path.
“What’s so funny?” Travis snapped at them. Melody wore a deep frown, looked as if she were fighting back tears.
“Let’s get out of here,” she said, brushing past them, headed for the car. “I want to go home.”
“What happened?” asked Jones.
“Melody’s a little prick tease. That’s what happened,” said Travis, staring at her hard. He was clenching and unclenching his fist.
Melody spun around. “Shut up, Travis,” she shrieked, and the sound of it echoed around the park.
“What’s wrong with you?” asked Sarah. She strode over so that she was standing right in front of Travis.
The exact sequence of events, who said what, was always nebulous here. Jones remembered a chaotic rise of voices, like gulls on a beach fighting over food. He remembered himself as apart, watching, even considering going to the car until they got it all worked out. He remembered Melody saying that she wasn’t a slut, or something like that. And Sarah asking why he’d spread rumors about her, she didn’t even know him.
But more than anything he recalled the electricity of rising anger, their pulled, pale faces.
“You’re a loser, Travis Crosby. A born loser.”
She couldn’t have known the charge of that word, what it would mea
n to him. She couldn’t have known that he’d heard it a thousand times, in a hundred ugly ways, from a father who’d never had a kind word for his son. It was just the word a girl who wasn’t accustomed to calling people names would choose. She said it dismissively and turned to walk away.
“What did you call me?” His voice was white-hot.
Jones saw her turn back to look at him, to say it again. Travis’s back was to Jones, so he didn’t know what she saw on Travis’s face that made her own expression go slack with fear, her eyes widen.
“Okay,” said Jones, “that’s enough.”
But then Sarah was running, casting Jones’s varsity jacket to the ground. Did she start to run and he gave chase? Or did he move toward her, causing her to bolt? Jones couldn’t tell. But Travis was after her. She disappeared into the dark of the path, her footfalls loud and echoing, with Travis on her heels. Melody and Jones exchanged a look, and then they followed.
“Leave her alone, Travis,” Melody yelled.
When they caught up with Travis and Sarah, the two were in a standoff. Sarah had picked up a heavy branch and stood with her back to a long pathway that led into the river valley below.
“Stay away from me,” she said, crying, lifting the branch like a baseball bat. “Get away.”
Behind her yawned the steep and twisting path down, the individual steps just stones lined in the earth, jagged gray teeth in mossy gums.
Jones grabbed Travis by the shoulder. “Let’s go. This is finished.”
But Travis turned and swung on Jones, catching him hard in the jaw. Jones fell back with the shock and pain of it, a warm gush of blood traveling from his nose over his lips onto his shirt. He didn’t see what happened next; Melody and Travis always said different things. Travis said that Sarah came after him with the branch and he fended her off. Melody said Travis turned from the swing on Jones to go after Sarah. Whatever happened, the end result was that Sarah fell. And her head hit a sharp stone jutting from the ground. That was the next sound Jones remembered hearing. And then there was absolute silence. Everything in the forest around them-the wind in the leaves, the singing of spring frogs and crickets-seemed to stop. Jones got to his feet and saw her lying there between Melody and Travis. Melody dropped to her knees beside Sarah, who was so still.