“I know,” she said.
“Then why are you upset?”
Nyxie shrugged, as if she didn’t want to say.
“Will you excuse us?” Declan said, rising to his feet and extending his hand to her. Declan took her into the house and sought privacy in his former bedroom.
“What’s wrong, baby? You know even if we divorce, I would take care of your needs, both financially and emotionally. I know you need the kids. You will never have to worry about sleeping four in a bed in a one-room apartment. I will make sure that never happens.”
Nyxie’s eyes were cast down as if he were lecturing her. “I know,” she stated. The small warble he detected in her voice, did funny things to his gut.
“Then what is it?”
Nyxie stepped closer and put her arms around him. His arms automatically encircled her.
“I-I want you to love them so much, that you would fight me for them.”
He chuckled. “Give me time, Nyxie. Give me time.”
“You are Cody’s hero. He wants to be like you. He’s never had a male role model before—except maybe my boss, Bob. He needs to see what a good man is like.
“And the girls both want to be Papa’s little girl. They need to feel like they are your favorite.”
Declan nearly laughed. It was just like her to worry over whether the children would feel loved enough by him.
“I never really gave children much thought before we got married, but I find I want to make my grandparents proud by being the kind of parents they were to me.”
“Are you going to show favoritism to our biological children?” Her eyes were big and wide.
“How can I help it?” he said with a chuckle. “You will, too, I bet. Besides, look at the age gap. Your brother and nieces will have to understand that younger children and babies just need more attention.”
Chapter 31
Declan took Nyxie's hand and led her up the stairs to his bedroom, knowing that Kylie had the care of the kids well under control next door. At the top of the stairs, he drew her close and kissed her, savoring the sweetness that was Nyxie. His heartbeat increased and he knew it had nothing to do with lust but instead the overwhelming love he had for her. When he pulled away, a wide smile spread of cross his face.
"Take off your clothing and present by the armoire until I'm ready for you."
"Okay," she said cheerfully.
His brow lowered, making her smile spread. Her eyes widened innocently.
"Oh, oh, am I in trouble?"
She blinked her eyes and tried to pout out her bottom lip but with her eyes smiling, she couldn't quite manage to keep her lip out for more than a few seconds.
Reaching for her shoulder, he turned her toward the corner of the room and swatted her on the bottom. "Behave," he said with false sternness. "We can play that game in your bedroom. In here, you will…obey."
Looking over her shoulder, Nyxie grinned happily at him. "Yes, sir."
“You can put your dress down the chute. I grabbed a change of clothes for you to wear tomorrow."
Nyxie hurried into the bathroom and quickly undressed.
"While you're in there, step on the scale," he called to her.
Nyxie's mood instantly shifted and she put off weighing herself until she had brushed her teeth. Ninety-two. Better than the last time when she weighed 88 pounds. She padded quickly to her spot by the armoire and posed herself in the prescribed position. Declan emerged from the closet wearing only black boxer briefs and Nyxie feasted on the play of muscles as he moved around the room getting everything ready. He folded down the comforter and moved all but one of the decorative pillows to the sofa in the sitting area. The last and largest pillow, he placed on the floor by the bench.
"Do you want me to run downstairs for a bottle of water and a glass?" she asked, assuming she knew why he had placed the pillow on the floor.
"Nyxie, if I need something, I'll tell you," he said. "You were supposed to be sitting there quietly, eyes down."
"Sorry. I just thought you liked it better if I could take you all the way."
Declan looked down at the pillow as it dawned on him why she might make that assumption. "That's not why I put that there."
"Oh, sorry."
"What was your weight?"
"Ninety-two."
"Good girl,” he praised.
Declan stepped up to Nyxie and extended his hand, helped her to her feet, and led her to the pillow on the floor. With a finger under her chin, he lifted her face until her eyes met his.
“I'm sorry about the way I acted the last time. I was mad because you had only put on a pound and I had gained two.”
Nyxie resisted the urge to ask him if he was going to get fat. The way he was always careful with his diet, made her certain the joke would not be appreciated.
"Kneel down here,” he said gently. It was not his usual Dom voice but more the tone he spoke to her after they had had sex.
As soon as she settled on her knees, Declan left her and retrieved something from his sock drawer. He returned and sat down on the bench in front of her, placing the object behind his hip.
Meeting her gaze, he smiled at her. "Big day today, wasn't it?"
The question surprised her. Normally, once they entered this room, he was all Dom until they had their needs satiated.
"Yeah. Uh, yes sir."
“I want to talk to you about something."
"Now?"
He chuckled at her impatient tone. "Always in a hurry to get to the sex."
"I can't help it. I need to feel that physical connection with you."
"Me too. But I like the anticipation and the buildup just as much." Declan leaned forward, elbows on his knees. In that position they were close to the same height.
"As I was saying, we took a big step today, standing in front of the people who are most important in our lives and telling them we love each other and wanted to be together for the rest of our lives."
"It was beautiful. Your parents did a great job arranging it."
He nodded. "In some ways, collaring might be considered the equivalent in the BDSM world. But it doesn't mean the same thing. Actually, it's a bigger deal than marriage. It means ownership. It means a complete 24/7/365 power exchange."
Declan watched Nyxie's expression intently, trying to gauge her reaction. He knew instinctively, she didn't really grasp what he was saying. She heard the word ownership and her mind had fixated on it.
"You want me to wear a collar?"
Or perhaps not.
She leaned around him to see if he had retrieved a collar from the drawer.
"With your aversion to having your neck touched, it doesn't need to be a literal collar. But we are getting way ahead of ourselves. Collaring is not something one goes into lightly. I don't think either of us really understand what's involved."
"But you want this?" she asked.
"I want us to work towards it. I want you to learn to give yourself to me with complete trust."
Her arms came forward and crossed over her bare breasts. "There's that word again. Trust."
"It seems to me, you've come a long way since we had that discussion on that saggy bed in your garage apartment."
"You've earned my trust," she said.
"I’m trying. But I also know I’ve failed you. I have to work on being worthy of your confidence," he said. It hadn't been so long ago, so neither of them had forgotten the way he had treated her when she wasn't sure she wanted to remain married to him.
"You were upset with me," she said, lifting one shoulder. "I don't think I really understood how much you loved me. It was never my intention to hurt you."
"I know."
He reached out and touched her cheek before erecting his posture.
"Uncross your arms, Nyxie. In this room, I don't want to see you covering yourself without permission."
A slight smile emerged on her lips as he used his Dom voice. "Yes, sir," she said, letting her arms return to her s
ides. "Declan, what do you mean by ownership and power exchange?"
He looked into her eyes, a slight smile playing upon his lips. He watched intently as he explained it to her. "Pretty much what it sounds like. You give me the right to make decisions within the hard limits we establish. I will own you like I would a pet or a house."
Nyxie shifted her weight away from him. "Why would I want that?"
"Why did you say in your vows that you would obey me?"
"I didn't say I would obey, so you can take away all my free will." Her voice sounded tight with uncertainty. Big brown eyes blinked twice and opened slightly wider than normal as she studied his face.
"Calm down, Nyxie, we are discussing something that might happen in a couple of years. Now, answer my question. Why did you say you would obey in the wedding vows?"
"Because I knew it would please you."
“Yes, I thought so.” He nodded and reached out and stroked her face gently with the back of his fingers and traced a line to her ear. His finger stroked around the outer edge and her eyes shut and her head canted to one side as if it tickled. He withdrew his hand and sat back up. "Do you intend to obey me, or were they just empty words?"
Her eyes opened and met his as she looked contemplative before answering. "I said it because I meant it. I know you like it when I follow your directions."
"It's the same thing, only amped up a bit."
"Like what?"
Declan stood up and began pacing the floor as he tried to think of a few examples. Nyxie's eyes fell on a jeweler’s box about the size of a deck of card that had been left on the bench. The red velvet box tempted her to touch it, to see if it was as soft as it looked.
"Maybe if I saw you flirting with another man, or I caught you touching yourself after I told you not to, and I had to go out of town to a medical conference. I might lock you in a chastity belt, or maybe I would take you with me and leave you tied up in the hotel room."
"You would do that?"
"I don't know, Nyxie. It was just an example off the top of my head."
She looked at him for a long time before saying anything else. "What else?"
Declan stopped behind her and began raking his fingers slowly through her silky black hair.
"Maybe if I decide it's time to explore your back door. I tell you to start wearing progressively larger butt plugs every day until I think you are ready to take me."
Nyxie's eyes had closed, enjoying the feel of him playing with her hair. A breathy sigh escaped her throat.
"Is this going to be like that Julia Roberts movie where all the cans in the pantry had to be in alphabetical order and facing out, and the towels had to be perfect?"
"Seriously? Nyxie, that guy was abusive. I can't believe you just compared me to him."
She lifted her arms to take a defensive stance, but lowered them when she realized she was acting against his edict of a few minutes earlier. "I'm sorry. I'm just trying to understand."
"I'm going to touch your neck," he said, leaning down and speaking close to her ear.
Her eyes popped open. She tensed instantly and froze, but resisted the urge to ask him to stop. His fingers moved from her hair, along the sides of her neck. With feather-light caresses, he stroked her throat and neck.
"First of all, Sonia is not going anywhere. I've asked her if she would consider giving up her other clients and coming to work for us full time. Second, we have kids and busy lives—the house is going to get messy from time to time. I'm not a hard-core master. I don't want to see you dusting the house with your arms restrained behind your back and a feather duster in your mouth."
Nyxie swallowed convulsively twice, trying to get her mouth to function with him touching her neck.
"So, it'll be mostly sexual stuff?"
Declan set both hands firmly on her shoulders, with his index fingers tracing her collarbone.
"No, it will include your diet and exercise regimen. I will have the final say on your wardrobe and your conduct—especially in public. And of course, I'm going to hold you to a high standard on your education."
“My conduct?”
“Yeah, you’re a doctor’s wife. Stop cussing like a truck driver.”
She wanted to point out that she wasn’t the only one with a potty mouth but didn’t want to change the subject.
"It doesn't sound much different than the way things are now."
"It is," he said. "Nyxie, I'm going to put my hands around your neck; I am not going to squeeze. You will safe-word me if it's too much for you."
Her breathing increased exponentially. She didn't talk; she didn't move. But her hands lifted as if she might grab his wrists.
"You have a beautiful neck, baby. I will never harm it."
Her eyes squeezed shut as his fingers and thumbs encircled the slender column. "Because it has been forbidden to me, I have been dying to touch it."
"Fuck me!" she gasped softly. Her fingers were splayed and frozen in an unnatural position and he suspected she was trying to resist the urge to stop him. She sounded as if she was on the verge of tears.
Feeling the tension in her neck and hearing the way she kept clearing her throat, Declan loosened his already slack fingers and spoke softly into her ear. "I wish you knew how precious this beautiful neck is to me. I cherish it, just as I cherish you."
"I'm sure my dad once cherished my mother, too."
Instinctively Declan understood the comment was not aimed at hurting him but it was a way of combating her nerves and expressing the thoughts going through her head.
With a slight caress, he withdrew his hands. "Thank you for letting me touch your neck, Nyxie. I understand the significance of it."
He returned to his seat on the bench. He leaned forward putting his elbows on his knees.
"Can we just try this?"
"I don't understand you. You say you want me to be your wife, not your submissive, and as soon as I agreed to be your wife, you want this."
"Can't I have it both ways?"
Nyxie stared at him. Did she want to give him that much power?
"No more shit like making me believe I'm dancing half naked in front of strangers?"
“That was a mistake. If I haven’t apologized for that yet, let me apologize now,” he said making sure her eyes were locked on his to see his sincerity. “Look, this isn't an automatic done-deal. We will go through three phases. The first is a consideration phase—the promise ring of BDSM. We’ll do it to explore and set up our limits. If that goes well, we'll move on to a training collar. We will adhere to the lifestyle as closely as we can, perhaps for a set time limit before we make any decision about whether it is permanent."
"When you say collar, do you literally mean a collar?"
Declan reached for the jewelry box he had retrieved earlier. "I'm not someone who feels the need to put my sexual interests out on display," he said, toying with the lid. "You already have a wedding ring to show people you're taken. I have no desire to make you or anyone else uncomfortable using something too obvious. I had a really hard time picking this out. I didn't want anything cliché—no hearts with keyholes, no padlocks, or handcuffs, no chokers."
"Thank God. I think a choker would have freaked me out."
"I was really leaning towards a yin-yang symbol, but these days, you see them so much, it has lost a lot of its meaning."
"It's like a soulmate thing, isn't it?"
He shook his head, his lips thinning momentarily at the use of the term soulmate. It was an expression he found overwhelmingly saccharine. "No, Yin and Yang are more about the duality of the world—for everything there is a complement. Yin is the dark side of the symbol—the feminine or submissive."
"That figures,” she said rolling her eyes and twisting her mouth so that one dimple appeared. “For once, Onyx Ebony would like to be the light one."
He chuckled. “I wouldn't have you any other way. Yin is the dark of night, the cold of winter, the calm, the ebb. Yang is the hot summer sun, the impat
ience, the high tide. Yin and Yang balance each other. And if you look at the symbol, you'll see a circle of the opposite color in the center of each side, you'll see that there is always a part of one in the other, stars and moon in the night, shadows in the day. It also symbolizes the eternal changing of the seasons—seeds producing plants, plants producing seeds."
Nyxie shifted her weight and sat back on her heels, making Declan give her a look of irritation.
"God, we need to teach you some discipline. Back the way you were."
Staying on her bottom a few more seconds, Nyxie sighed. "Yes, sir," she said, using her hands on the carpet to push herself back up. "Maybe you should spank me to help me remember." A slow smile emerged across her face.
He shook his head indulgently. "We’ll see."
She sighed again with exaggerated disappointment. "I didn't know the Yin-Yang meant so much. Why did you decide against it?"
"Partially because it's everywhere. I wanted something more exclusively meaningful to us. Also, it just didn't look like it would go with both casual clothing and more formal wear. I saw some that were studded with gems or even diamonds, but didn't like them."
Declan lifted the lid of the box to reveal a teardrop shaped pendant in a white gold setting. At first glance, it looked like one of those crystals that had become popular in recent years, but was, in fact, a frosty white teardrop measuring about an inch in length.
"A teardrop," he said. "I couldn't stop myself. You know your tears send me over the edge. When you cry, I feel this overpowering love for you. It's as if you are giving me a gift of seeing into your soul. I think that's why I hate the fact that you don't cry when you're being spanked. I feel as if you are masking your heart from me."
"I'm sorry. I don't know how to fix it."
His head lifted in acknowledgement and he exhaled a breath of resignation. "I know. That's why I don't punish you over it."
"It's very pretty," she said and bit her lip. She reached into the box and ran her finger from the setting to the tip. It was cool and smooth to the touch.
He began to chuckle. "I can read your mind, baby. No, it wasn't expensive."
She doubted his definition of not expensive and hers were the same thing, but tried not to think about how many bags of groceries could have been bought with that money or if it cost more than a month’s electricity bill. "That makes me like it even more."
The Love He Craves (The Love She Craves: Selling Her Soul to Declan Book 2) Page 29