Let Me Love You

by Lily Foster

  The thought of not having her in my life anymore made me feel hopeless.

  Rene

  I can’t believe I just jumped in the cab like that. He drove all the way up here and I didn’t even take a minute to talk to him. I felt panicky when I saw him, as if I’d actually lose it and fall to the ground crying at the sight of him. I had to get out of there. It was like a fight or flight response and I chose flight, as I always did.

  The last time I saw Caleb he said I was cold and I knew that about myself; I knew it was true. There were many times in my life when I had to be cold and detached to protect myself. This was one of them. I knew Caleb loved me and that he was hurting too, but I was resolute. I could not see him.

  Within an hour of my email I got a response from him.

  I’m grateful that you reached out to me, Rene. I’ve been going kind of crazy these past few days wondering how you are. I’m worried about you and I want to be with you, to take care of you. I’m miserable without you.

  You know that.

  I feel like I’ve caused you so much pain and I wish I’d never foolishly put you in the position where you had to make such an awful decision. The fact you felt you needed to make it alone tells me that I didn’t give you much of a reason to have faith in me. I meant it when I said I would never have suggested you do it but at the same time, you were right when you said that deep down, it probably was what I really wanted. Now it’s done and I also feel terrible about it. I know it is something that will always be between us but I do think it’s something that we can help each other through.

  Please let me love you, Rene. I need you. I need to hold you, be with you and have you in my life. There has never been anyone that’s made me feel the way you do.

  The saddest and most ironic part of this is that when we were together, it was the first time I could ever imagine wanting to marry someone, wanting to spend my life with one person and wanting to have children of my own.

  All I can do is tell you that I’m here waiting. If what you really want is for me to leave you alone, I’ll do that, but I’ll never stop wanting to be with you and I’ll never stop loving you.

  Caleb

  I shook my head as I read his note, heartbroken but determined. I wanted to be with him but I knew that now it would never be good between us; we could never go back.

  The days that followed seemed endless and when I lie down at night, sleep rarely came. I was running on empty.

  Two weeks later I had to return to the clinic for a follow-up appointment. I considered blowing it off but then managed to drag myself back there. I was basically a mess. I undressed, put on the paper robe and then started to sob. Being back in this place was torture.

  A different doctor walked in, a young woman. She immediately dragged a stool over close to me and put her hand on my shoulder in a reassuring way. After a minute I managed to pull myself together. “It’s rough around this time. Your hormones are haywire and you’re realizing the irrevocable nature of the decision you’ve made.”

  I looked up at her and nodded. She understood. She looked at my chart. “Rene, I feel as if I’m looking at myself ten years ago. I sat in your place. I couldn’t fit a baby into my life then, I was in med school. I thought I was a modern woman making a choice but afterward, I felt the most crushing longing for that baby. I wished like a silly five-year-old that I could turn back time and do it all over again.”

  That’s exactly how I felt.

  She lifted my chin so I was looking at her and she smiled tenderly. “It gets better. Time fades the hurt. I decided that to honor that child I would do everything in my power to make sure that what I’d done wouldn’t be in vain. I studied like a mad woman and graduated with honors.”

  “I just didn’t know how I would feel. That it would feel this bad. I feel like I’ll never get over it.”

  As she gestured for me to hop up on the table and she started the exam, she went on, “You will. It will always be a part of who you are but you’ll be ok. It’s so odd, isn’t it? How many times, among friends, as groups of women, have you discussed abortion? What strong opinions we have when we know nothing. I find that now I don’t judge so harshly, people who support either side of the issue.” She gestured for me to sit up. “You’re healing well. No sex for two more weeks.”

  “I wouldn’t care if I ever had sex again.”

  She laughed gently. “Like I said, I feel as if I’m talking to myself ten years ago. Here’s my card. Dr. Roberts. I’m at Mass General. I do the clinic a twice a month pro bono. If you need to call, then do. The first month can be very hard. Take care of yourself, Rene.”

  The kindness of a stranger brought the tears on again. I had wept more in the past month than I had in my entire life.

  I read Caleb’s email again when I got home. I hadn’t heard from him since then. I wasn’t surprised. I knew he would honor my wishes. If I told him that contacting me would hurt me then he wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.

  After speaking with Dr. Roberts I decided that I would also make sure what I’d done wasn’t in vain.

  I heard from ABC that next week. I got the job. Plug along, that’s what I had to do.

  I had always worked hard in school but now I was like a robot…work, study, sleep (very little), repeat. My grades were perfection, I was getting rave reviews at the station and I was working every available shift at the restaurant.

  Caitlin was worried about me but I think she also knew that this was how I got through. And I was doing better, I was getting through.

  The school year was winding down and I had found two girls to share a summer sublet with in Manhattan. I knew that if circumstances were different, I would have been feeling so happy and excited about the summer but now it was bittersweet. I would be there, in the same city as Caleb, but I would never be with him.

  Caleb did eventually reach out a few times. The notes were less personal, just checking in to see if I was ok. I always answered back but kept it simple. “I’m doing well. Thank you.” Being borderline formal with Caleb was just about the saddest thing ever.

  I would always write more and then go back and erase it before pressing send. I had so much to say to him. I missed him terribly, not just as the person I loved but as the close friend he had become.

  I couldn’t have it both ways.

  Chapter Seven

  Caleb

  It was the second time this month I’d woken up with a black eye.

  When I dragged my ass downstairs to get some ice water, Mick was staring at me. He looked pissed and weary. “You almost got arrested last night, shithead, you know that?”

  “I think you’re exaggerating.”

  “Really? If Rob didn’t let me sneak you through the club’s service entrance you would have been in central booking right now. Better hope no one identifies you, Caleb. You knocked that guy out. He didn’t know what hit him. What is going on with you? You were a total asshole last night. You were looking for a fight.”

  Shit, my head was pounding. “Mick, please stop yapping for a minute.”

  “Luke’s on his way over.”

  “What the fuck did you do that for?”

  “Because I’m in over my head. I don’t even know how to talk to you anymore. Something bad is going to happen if you don’t get your shit together.”

  With that, Luke let himself into my apartment. “Hey, looking good, Caleb.”

  “Thanks, brother. Can we have this intervention tomorrow? My head is pounding.”

  Mick jumped off the couch. “I’m outta here. I’ll talk to you later, Caleb. Later, Luke.”

  “You looked ok when I left last night. What happened?”

  Luke was still playing rugby but he didn’t hang out for long at the after-parties. I knew him and Kate were trying to have a baby. He was maturing and happy about it. I, on the other hand, was regressing to my fourteen-year old self: the boy who wanted to slug anyone who looked at him funny. I was just plain unhappy. I rak
ed my hands over my aching head. “I’m messing everything up, Luke.”

  “I can see that. What’s up, though?”

  “I was seeing this girl who I really liked.” I shook my head. “I loved her.”

  “Things ended?”

  “I got her pregnant.”

  “Oh shit, Caleb.”

  “She ended the pregnancy. She won’t see me anymore and I can’t get over her.”

  “What did you want?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Caleb, don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes two, you know?”

  “No, this was entirely on me.”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  “Yeah, Luke. You weren’t there, believe me. And it was her first…I was her first.”

  I looked up at him to see his eyes widen in surprise and confusion. “What?”

  “I was seeing Rene, Darcy’s roommate.”

  His eyes went wider. “What?”

  “Yeah, I know. I’m a shit. Darcy doesn’t know.”

  He stood and walked over to the window, looking out, lost in thought for a minute. “Caleb, is she ok?”

  “I guess. I mean, she’s moved on. It’s not what you’re thinking though, Luke. She wasn’t a hook-up. Rene and I had become friends for like six months before anything happened. I really care about her. She asked me not to contact her anymore and, for the most part, I haven’t. It’s fucking killing me.”

  “Her first time? Shit, Caleb, that’s rough.”

  “I know.”

  Luke came back and sat across from me. “You’ve got to tone it down, Caleb. You can’t think straight if you’re drinking heavy and you’re out every night.”

  I gestured to my eye. “Does Dad know?”

  “Dad and Sarah are really worried. I think you need to be spending some more time with us. It’ll keep you grounded. Kate and I are going over to see Darce the second week of August. We’re meeting her and Erin in Greece. You’re coming. It’ll be good for you.”

  “I’ll see.”

  “I’m getting your ticket. You’re coming.”

  “What would you do if you were me?”

  “It’s hard for me to say, Caleb. I don’t know what your relationship was like. But I’m sure she’s a bit messed up right now. If she asked you to stay away then you have to do that for her. Doesn’t mean the situation won’t change. I wouldn’t necessarily give up but I’d give her space now.”

  “She’s working in the city this summer interning at ABC.”

  “Ball is in her court. If she wants to see you she will and if she doesn’t, Manhattan is a big island.”

  He stood up and went to make some coffee. “Get in the shower. We’re meeting at Mom and Dad’s for an early dinner. Before you say no, he already knows about the latest shiner so just go face the music, ok?”

  I cringed. “Love to.”

  Rene

  I was worried about running into Caleb until I checked out my new digs. This was not choice real estate. I was sharing a tiny one-bedroom in a fourth floor walk-up in Chinatown. It was gritty. I was fairly certain Caleb would not be strolling the streets around my place.

  I was just thankful to have a place and roommates who, I could be fairly certain, were not identity thieves or serial killers. I was living with two girls, one of whom was the sister of a friend I waitressed with in Boston. They were planning to split expenses but agreed to let me throw another mattress on the floor. They felt as I did—another person equaled cheaper. They were nice but I didn’t get the kindred spirit vibe from either of them. Didn’t matter, as all three of us would be working so often that I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be seeing much of either of them this summer.

  The day before I started at ABC I did a dry run on the subway. I needed an hour each way; so much for being close to work. Afterwards I set out to find a second job and got lucky at a pub off Bleeker Street that was willing to give me three shifts: Saturday afternoon, Tuesday and Sunday nights. Not ideal, but it would bring in some extra cash.

  The first day I walked into the studio I was practically bursting with excitement. Bennett’s assistant greeted me and introduced me to the other intern on the show, Matt Quivers. She toured us around the set, as I struggled to match every new face to its name. My initial impression of Matt was that he was ok, at best. Bennett, as he made his way towards us, confirmed the initial impression I had formed of him. He was silky smooth, ignored Matt entirely, and took my hands in his as he crooned, “Rene, so happy to have you on board. Come with me.” As an afterthought, he gestured back towards Matt and said curtly, “You too.”

  Bennett brought us back to his dressing room and instructed us that we would report there every morning at seven. I was happy to see the room buzzing with wardrobe and make-up people. The thought of being alone with this guy, let alone in a room where he dressed, had me on edge. Before leaving us, Bennett instructed us hang back and observe today, warning that tomorrow the junior staffers were going to start putting us through the ringer. Ugh, he winked at me as he said that and I silently prayed that Matt hadn’t noticed. No such luck. As Matt and I grabbed a spot off to the side of the cameras to watch the operation, he said, “Do you know him or are you normally the teacher’s pet?”

  I levelled him with an even gaze. “Watch it.”

  He put his hands up, palms facing me, with a shit-eating grin on his face. “Touchy? Sorry, but you have to admit that was just a little odd.”

  “I’d prefer if Bennett were gay and he’d just put you through that. I’m here to work hard, just like you are.”

  Oh, this was starting out just peachy.

  I was relieved to meet Caroline and Maureen, two staffers that I would be working closely alongside, and was even happier still when I found out that Matt was being directly supervised by someone else. Earlier that morning, the thought of working side-by-side with Matt, day in and day out, was threatening to give me hives.

  The job wasn’t glamorous. I ran for coffee a lot and one of my responsibilities was stocking the green room with snacks every morning—important stuff. I still loved it, though, because I was in my element. I thrived off of the excitement of the newsroom and the unpredictable nature of live television.

  On at least one occasion, thankfully, I did get to jump in and help out during a minor crisis. It was just my second week there and Caroline and Maureen were sent to the airport to retrieve Paula Kent, the frontrunner for the upcoming republican presidential primary. They were at the airport waiting when Ms. Kent strode into the studio with her people. Bennett saw her and freaked that no one was there to handle her and it so happened that the senior producer was out that day. One of the assistants ushered her back into the green room where I was there setting out the goodies, as usual. When I sensed the air of panic and found out that none of the usual people were there to prep the guest, I offered to start it off while we waited for the others to get back. Bennett’s personal assistant shoved a list of questions at me and I was off and running. Ms. Kent was a warm and friendly woman, so that helped. And I had done this before, albeit on a much smaller scale. Prepping a community activist protesting proposed fare increases on Boston public transportation was not quite the same as sitting across from the person who could, in fact, be the next leader of the free world.

  Maureen and Caitlin looked frazzled when they came back but then all of us wound up having a laugh about the crazy morning. I left them to finish up with her but felt that I had done pretty well under the circumstances.

  Bennett’s interview went smoothly and he approached me personally later on to tell me that Ms. Kent, Caitlin and Maureen all sang my praises. I was glad Bennett approached me in a totally professional manner for once. Matt was standing there listening as this went down and then smirked at me when Bennett walked away. What an ass. I knew his deal. He was here because his uncle was some big shot at the network. He had never worked in television before. He was a misogynist in training, irked that a woman was showing him up at
work. I had no time for him.

  Every day I felt as if I learned something new there. It was exciting and I knew this was where I wanted to be. Yes, Bennett still oozed sleazy at times but, for the most part, I was able to ignore him. One day towards the end of the summer, though, we were regrouping after the show. Today there had been a female guest, a labor contract negotiator who was less refined and tougher looking than we typically had on the show—short, bottle-blond hair, boobs busting above her neckline, short skirt. Bennett was sitting with a group of producers and assistants but made a point of fixing his gaze on me when he commented, “That kind of look doesn’t do it for me. I hate that short, butch hair. I’d take a natural beauty, long hair—like a woman should have—and tasteful dress, over that broad any day.”

  I was surprised that I had molars left, as I’d been grinding my teeth since the day I started working with Bennett. I jumped out of my seat. “I apologize. I forgot I had an appointment. I’ll be back for the staff meeting after lunch.”

  I made a bee-line for the upscale salon I passed everyday as I walked from the subway to the studio. When I approached the desk, the receptionist asked my name in a clipped and mock-polite manner. When I explained that I didn’t have an appointment but was hoping one of the stylists could squeeze me in, she all but laughed in my face. “We are not a walk-in salon. If you like, I’ll make an appointment for you now but it will be at least two weeks before I can fit you in with one of our junior stylists.”

  Just as I was about to walk out with my tail between my legs, a very well-groomed—make that uber well-groomed—man with a smooth French accent said, “Wait. I have some time free. I’ll see you.”

  The receptionist looked as if she would faint. Obviously, this was no junior stylist. “Marcel? You’re taking her?”

  He waved her off dismissively. “Come with me. Your hair is beautiful as it is. What exactly do you want me to do?”

  “Cut it all off.”

  He laughed heartily. “I knew you would entertain me today, mon petit!”