by Lily Foster
He looked at me seriously again. “Hey, I can call in tomorrow if you want.”
“No, it’s Monday and weren’t you just out last week?”
“Yeah. I do need to go in. I can sneak out a little early, though.”
“Don’t. I plan to be down as much as I can, Caleb. You can’t take off every time I’m here. Besides, this is my favorite city. I can totally amuse myself for the day in New York. I’m going to call Maureen and Caroline and see if I can meet them for lunch after the show tomorrow.”
“Good. Hey, we never really got to talk about how things went with Bennett. Darcy had told me you had a great experience so I’m assuming he wasn’t a total ass.”
I laughed. “No, he was an ass, believe me. I mean, there were some days that were rough but I had to be able to handle him. It’s not the kind of business where I would have garnered any respect by complaining. If it got really awful I would have but he’s not at that level. He’s just a creepy flirt.”
“I watched the show a few times this summer and I couldn’t help but see him as a sleazy bastard.”
“You watched the show?”
“Yes. Just…I knew you were there.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again. I loved this man. “We definitely came to an understanding by the end of the summer. Bennett actually offered me a job.”
“Would you really consider working for him?”
“You know what, Caleb? If that was the only job on the table then yes, I would use him as a stepping stone to something else. Like I said, I was able to handle him. But thankfully, I won’t have to. Meredith Carey also offered me a job so I’m hopeful that pans out.”
“Wow, Rene. Impressive.”
I went on to tell him the crazy series of events that led up to that job offer, which had him laughing. “You know, while I’m here I’d like to go see Marcel and get a trim. I’ll do that Tuesday. Is that ok, if I hang out until Wednesday?”
“Please, don’t ever ask me a question like that again. You can move right in with me if you want.”
With that, he lifted me up and carried me into the bathroom. He held me in his lap as he sat on the side of the tub and ran the water. He looked down at my body appreciatively. “I could run you a bath every night. Bring you a glass of wine as you soaked. Cook you dinner. Kiss you and love every inch of your body morning, noon and night. If you stayed with me, I’d be your slave.”
“Umm, that sounds nice.”
“It would be nice.”
I kissed him. “But I’ll be in a fourth floor walk-up again come June. Hopefully a little better than the one I had last summer. If I don’t upgrade I don’t know if Caitlin will come visit me.”
“I knew it wouldn’t be that easy to sell you.”
Soaking in the tub with Caleb was heaven. He washed my hair and then slid us both down and just held me with his arms wrapped around my chest. He said, “After work tomorrow I’ll cook you dinner here. I’d love to take you home to eat with my parents but that day will come soon enough.”
“I love your parents. They’re so wonderful. I couldn’t imagine what my life would have been like…”
He held me tighter. “I hate thinking you had it tough. I mean, Darcy’s life wasn’t easy with my mother dying and all, but she had a lot of people doting on her. I wish I could have been there to look out for you when you were little.” I smiled up at him.
“You know, my parents love you, Rene. You were one of the main topics of conversation that last day in Puerto Rico. I know they’re going to be happy when they know about us.”
“I hope so. I really think Darcy will be fine with it too. I hope I’m not wrong.”
“No chance. She really only cares if I’m happy or not. And I’m very happy.” He went on, cautiously, “Luke and Kate know already, Rene. Luke was the person who got me through this year.”
“I understand. I mean, I had Caitlin.”
“Luke knows everything, Rene, but no one else. He didn’t share that with Kate.”
I squeezed his hand. “It’s ok, Caleb. I know I kind of left you without anyone to get through it with. I know the whole thing wasn’t just hard on me, it was hard on you too.”
He kissed my head and then we just sat with our own thoughts for a while.
Caleb
I wanted to just stay in bed with her this morning. I still had the feeling, I guess since everything was so new, that if I didn’t have her in my arms that she might slip away from me.
At work I was looking around now with a different eye. Taking certain things in, thinking about what strategies I’d adopt and what things I planned to do differently. By the next New Year, I’d all but decided, I’d be out on my own. Cherry broke into my thoughts. “Hey, boy.”
“Good morning, Cherry. You good?”
She smiled. “I will be.” She looked like she was considering what she was going to say. “I saw you yesterday, Caleb…with her.” I must have looked confused so she spelled it out for me, “I was in your neighborhood shopping. What can I say? I have terrible luck. I can see…you’re different with her. It’s obvious that you love her.”
I felt so bad but I didn’t want to be even more of a shit by lying to her. “I do, Cherry. I love her.”
She just nodded, forced out a smile and walked away. I let out a deep breath. It was going to be a while before it would be more comfortable between us. I really hoped she met a good man soon.
Wednesday night I pleaded with Rene to stay. “I can’t, Caleb. As it is, I was supposed to do two days at the station this week and I cut it to one. Also, I’m on the schedule for Friday and Saturday at the restaurant. There will be weekends coming up that I’ll want off from work so I don’t want to start pissing Craig off now. Believe me, I’d love to stay. I’m crashing with Cara until the dorms open again on Saturday. I’m so tired of feeling like a homeless wanderer.”
I took her to the airport that night and hugged her like I was holding on for dear life before I let her go. “As if you couldn’t tell, I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too. Caleb, I just wanted to tell you again that I love my birthday gift. It means more to me than you could ever imagine.”
“It looks great on you. Bye, twenty-one, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
She seemed a little uncomfortable. She wasn’t going back to the most pleasant task. Even though I knew she could handle herself well without me, I felt uneasy about her talking with that guy. I trusted her completely, it was just a natural reaction I was having to the thought of her having a deep, personal conversation with any other man. I didn’t want him holding her hand or kissing her, even if it was kissing her goodbye.
Rene
It was time to face the music.
I was working Sunday lunch at the restaurant. I was a coward. Tanner had asked me not to work but I was avoiding him—avoiding the awful conversation we were about to have.
When I got home the girls were cooking a feast and Tanner texted me to tell me he was coming over to eat. By the time he got there, I already had one giant glass of red wine in me. As soon as he saw me he scooped me up and whispered in my ear, “I’ve been going crazy for the last few weeks, Rene. I want to run you upstairs and peel off everything you’re wearing.”
I felt like I was going to puke.
Before I could tell him we needed to talk, Tom and Chris drew him into a conversation and he was pulling me into his lap as he sat on the couch. I couldn’t focus. Beth must have noticed and went in for the rescue. “Hey, Rene, a little help?”
I jumped up, relieved, as I was just starting to feel exactly how much Tanner had missed me. “Sorry, Beth, I’m coming.”
“Hey, you just looked simultaneously sick and terrified. Is everything ok?”
I whispered, “No, I’m not ok. I’m going to break up with Tanner. I feel terrible.”
She whispered back, “Oh shit. I can’t say I’m shocked, though, Rene. I never thought you wer
e really into him. I’d do it sooner rather than later because he’s definitely into you. The longer you drag it out, the worse it will be for both of you.”
“I know it. Thanks, Beth.”
After everyone ate I helped clean up while fighting off the tight knots in my stomach. I think the rest of the girls could sense the impending doom, or Beth had quietly filled them in, as they all cleared out. Tanner sat on the couch waiting for me. As I made my way over he grabbed me and said, “Man, I missed you, Rene.”
I was such a coward that I started off with small talk. “How was your Christmas?”
“Great…you know…lots of family over. Everyone asked about you.”
Ugh.
He took my hands in his. “Hey, Rene, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I was talking to Anne a lot.”
Where was this going?
“You and Anne spoke that night a little about your dad, right?”
“Yeah?”
“Would it help you if we went to go see him together, to kind of start to mend things between the two of you?”
I stared at him, wide-eyed, incredulous. “What makes you think I want to mend things with him? He’s a drunk, Tanner.”
“So was my uncle and having family around him helped, Rene. I think it would help you too. There’s something…you keep me away. I think maybe you had a rough time growing up and that’s why you have a hard time letting me in.”
I took a deep breath. “Tanner, you don’t know the half of my rough time and if you did you wouldn’t be suggesting something so idiotic. Reconcile with my dad? Tell Anne thank you, really, but I’d prefer she use her social work degree on someone else, ok?”
We both sat there, looking straight ahead for a minute before I spoke. “Tanner, look, I’m sorry. I know you care about me. I do. But you really know very little about me and there are things I’ll never be able to share with you.” I steadied myself and looked at him then. “I’m just going to say this. I know in my heart we’re not right for one another.”
“What? Wait, Rene—”
“I’m sorry.”
His grasp on me tightened and he shook his head as he looked at me with nothing but love and concern. My heart was breaking. “No, I’m sorry, Rene. I’m sorry I pushed the issue about your dad.”
It was cruel but I had to just do this. I forced myself to go on. “It’s not just that. This has been coming. You’re right, I have kept you at arm’s length and I’m sorry. That really, really has nothing to do with you, Tanner. I’ve only had one other real relationship besides you. He…he knows everything there is to know about me.”
He shook his head. “Do you think I won’t want you if I know everything? You must think very little of me. What could you have possibly done that would make me turn away from you? Mass murder? Hell, Rene, there’s nothing you could tell me that would make me stop loving you.”
As he raked his hands over his face I told him, “I’m sorry, Tanner. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t leading you on. I had really strong feelings for you and I thought maybe that I could open up to you.”
“You’re saying everything in the past tense.”
“I am.”
“Holy shit, Rene. I feel like an ass. I didn’t see this coming.”
“I don’t know what to say except that I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”
He looked like he’d been slapped. He moved me off of him slowly and stood up. “Do you mind if I go?”
“Tanner—”
“Rene, can I just ask you who this guy is?”
“He doesn’t go to school here, Tanner, you don’t know him. He’s a few years older.”
“Where has he been all this time?”
“He and I went through something and broke up about a year ago. I wasn’t ever over him, though. I never should have started dating you, Tanner. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“I know you’d never aim to hurt me, Rene, but it fucking hurts.”
With that, he turned and left.
I crept upstairs and face planted onto my bed and cried. Within two minutes I had Beth, Darcy, Jenna and Caitlin crammed onto my bed with me. We talked for over an hour. They did most of the talking, I just sniffled and cried. I felt so terrible. I could tell Darcy and Jenna hadn’t seen this coming and were a little disappointed; they really liked Tanner. Everyone did. Beth and, of course, Caitlin seemed to understand better. I thought Darcy might be fishing when she asked, “Is there another guy?”
I didn’t really answer her. “It wouldn’t matter if there was or wasn’t. Did you ever feel like someone liked you more than you liked them? That’s how I feel with Tanner. And no matter how great he is, and how lucky some other girl will be to have him, I was never going to feel any differently.”
Darcy took my hand. “I know. That’s an awful feeling. With Nick, I mean that was a different situation entirely, but there were times he was sober and pouring his heart out to me and all I could think of was how dishonest I was being. I just couldn’t wait to get away from him. I’m sorry, Rene, I know you must feel terrible.”
Beth added, “Better to do it now, Rene. The longer it went on, the worse it was going to be for him.”
Jenna chimed in, she’d been so quiet all day, “Rene, he’s a great guy but that doesn’t mean he has to be great for you. Someone else will be, though.”
I tried to smile as I wiped away the tears on my cheeks. “You know what I’d love? I’d love it if some knockout fell desperately in love with Tanner so that he doesn’t waste even a minute thinking about me.”
Caitlin laughed. “I hope you mean that because when word gets out that he’s free, that’s likely to happen.”
“Really, I pray for that. The thought of running into him and seeing him upset kills me. I think I’ll be avoiding the parties for a while.”
Beth nodded. “Keeping a low profile will probably be good for a little bit.”
Later that night I called Caleb. “Hey, were you asleep already? I know you have to get up early. I just wanted to say hi and hear your voice.”
“You don’t sound right. Did you talk to him tonight?”
“Yeah, I feel pretty crappy, like I’m the worst person on the planet.”
“Been there. You ok?”
“Yeah, I’m ok but I wish I was back in New York with you. I have this pressing need to run away.”
“Feel free to run away to me whenever you want. Really, do you want to come back down?”
“Can’t. I have those annoying things to do like go to class and work. That’s actually good, though, I’ll busy myself with work. I’m definitely not looking to go to any parties around here for a bit. I feel like I’d be rubbing salt in a wound.”
“The weekend after next I’m coming up for Drew’s Super Bowl party. I’ll get a room Friday night in the city and we’ll have the weekend together. If you can sneak down here before that, I’ll be missing you, so come. Any day of the week, anytime you want to get away, just come. I’ll be at the airport waiting for you.”
“I love you. Now get some sleep.”
“Goodnight, sweet Rene.”
The next two weeks were not the easiest. I still met the girls for lunch because Tanner would only occasionally join us for lunch anyway, and now he wasn’t coming around. I avoided all parties, though. And now that we were in second semester of senior year, the parties started in full force Thursday afternoon and didn’t stop until Sunday night. Some people, like Nick, were running on seven days straight. I worked that entire first weekend, double shifts for the most part.
I ran into Tanner only once that next week, when I was coming out of the library. He looked pained when he saw me but then put on a smile for my sake. He was just too kind to me; it made me feel even worse. “Hey, Rene, you good?”
“Yeah, Tanner, you?”
“I’m getting there.”
“I could say I’m sorry to you a million times, Tanner. I feel like a stupid broken record.”
“Don’t bea
t yourself up, Rene. I’ve had some time to just sit and stew.” He looked down at his boots as he laughed. “I don’t think I showered for two days after it happened. I was literally in a funk.”
Oh, just strike me down.
He looked up then and met my gaze. “But I’m ok. I know I didn’t stand a chance with you if you loved someone else the entire time. And I don’t resent you. I know you wouldn’t have done anything to hurt me on purpose, ok? I know that.”
With that, he said he had to go and he left. I was glad because all I could have said in response to that was, “I’m sorry,” like the broken record I was. He had let me off the hook again and I was grateful.
I was still walking around in a bit of a funk until Thursday when my mood lightened at the thought of seeing Caleb that next night. I asked the girls if they wanted to go shopping Thursday night and grab dinner but only Caitlin took me up on it.
Coming back from break, I think I started a chain reaction of heartache after breaking up with Tanner. Beth and Marcus seemed to be fighting like cats and dogs and Darcy and Tom seemed to have hit a rough patch. Darcy had asked me one night this week to say she wasn’t home when he knocked on the door. That wasn’t like her to lie but I guess she had her reasons. He left looking like he could spit nails. Jenna also was definitely was not her usual upbeat self; something was majorly off there too.
Caitlin waltzed me from store to store, happily. “Is it me, or do you feel like we’re living in a morgue lately? You’ve been a downer with the whole Tanner thing and I feel like you’re Miss Susie Sunshine compared to the rest of them.”
“Yes, I noticed. Winter blues? Who knows.”
“I don’t know,” she said, absently, as she perused a rack of bikinis. “Hey, my mom is heading to Antigua in a few weeks. You game?”
“No, one free vacation from your family per year is my limit.”
“It’s officially the next calendar year.”
“Thanks, Caitlin, but I really do feel uneasy when I accept too much. That would be too much.”
“Okay. If you change your mind, let me know. Until then, help me pick out some new bathing suits.”
I managed to get myself a few new things too. An outfit for tomorrow night, some new lingerie and I picked up a cute dress just in case we went anywhere nice on Saturday.