by Lily Foster
Darcy and I caught dinner after. Rene’s words echoed in my ear about her and Tom going through a rough time. She was so damn skinny and she looked tired. She assured me all was good. It was odd being so close to Rene without Darcy knowing. I knew Darcy would be ok with it all in the end but it made me wish the next few months away so that we could just be out in the open with my family.
The day after Darcy went back up to school I called to check up on her. When she answered she told me to hold on and then said, “Thanks, Tanner, see you later,” before turning her attention back to me.
“Where are you, Darcy?”
“At my place.”
He was at their place? What the fuck for? “Who’s Tanner?”
“Rene’s boyfriend. Well, not her boyfriend right now…or anymore. I don’t know. He’s a great guy. I don’t know what she’s thinking.”
I had a strong urge to punch the nearest wall. “Don’t go playing matchmaker, Darcy.”
“I know, I know. So what’s up? I love hearing from you but I just saw you yesterday. Everything ok?”
“Just checking up on you. You worried me a little.”
“I am really fine. Tom is great. I promise, Caleb.”
“Good.”
The rest of the conversation was mundane. As we spoke about trivial nonsense, I was trying to mask the tension I felt. I had a nagging sense of jealousy about this guy. I really couldn’t wait for her to graduate. I mean, this guy had access to Rene every day and I could only manage to see her, what, twice a month?
When I was on the phone with Rene five minutes later I was trying not to sound like a jealous prick. “I just spoke to Darcy. Your boyfriend is over at your place, you know.”
“No, I’m speaking with my boyfriend at this very moment. Wow, you jealous? I kinda like it,” she teased, laughing.
I laughed then too. “I’m crazy jealous.”
“Well you’re just going to have to stew for a few more days. And don’t be ridiculous. You know there’s no one else for me but you.”
“When are you going to be here?”
“Saturday morning. I’ll take an early shuttle.”
“Come Friday night.”
“Your sister and my other roommates are starting to get suspicious that I disappear for days on end, you know? And I have to work Friday night because I’m taking off the rest of the weekend.”
“Oh, come on. I need you.”
“Wow, jealous and possessive. You’re turning me on. How am I going to sit in class for the next two hours?”
“You’re a tease.”
“See you Saturday morning, early.”
I knew I’d have to settle for that.
Rene
I know I shouldn’t need to be reassured, but every time Caleb told me he needed me it made me feel just that much more relieved and secure.
On Friday night I was buzzing with excitement and couldn’t wait until I got on the plane the next morning. I had planned to sneak out before everyone else got up but Jenna was in the kitchen Saturday morning when I came downstairs. “Hey, you off to see the mystery man again, Rene? Why can’t we meet him? We won’t embarrass you. We’re not ogres!”
This was so freaking awkward. I shook my head. “I know, Jenna. I know I’m a total freak with my privacy. I promise you, I’ll introduce him soon. It’s just weird because he doesn’t go here. He’s older. And I’d about die if I ran into Tanner with him.”
“I know, that poor thing. He’s still walking around like a wounded puppy. But, Rene, that’s not on you. It happens. My mother told me once that if it doesn’t end badly then it doesn’t end. Someone has to get hurt. That’s the sad truth.”
I let out a sad sigh. “I feel like an awful person. I hope he hooks up with someone else soon, someone really good for him.”
I had a hard time shaking the feeling of guilt but was so happy when I caught sight of Caleb waiting for me. “Hey, beautiful.”
I dropped my bags and let him take me in his arms and squeeze me close to him. “I missed you, Caleb.”
“Come on, let’s go. I feel like I have you on borrowed time. Are you heading back tomorrow night?”
I cringed. “I have to. I have an exam Monday.”
He let out a sigh. “Just a few more months. Hey, what’s all this?”
“Oh. It’s just a gift for Rebecca. I figured you can drop it off for me the next time you go by.”
He looked so happy just then. “No, we’ll go over there today and you can give it them.”
“Are you sure?”
He took both my hands. “Rene, I love my family. It’s been killing me not to have you around them. Luke and Kate are in the loop anyway so I want this, please.” He stopped then and looked at me, his expression searching, pained. “Wait, I mean, will you be ok with it, with being around the baby? I’m sorry, I just didn’t think…”
I took his hands, nodding. “Caleb, no, I’m fine, really.”
Caleb let out a relieved breath and was like an excited kid as he called Luke and asked if we could head over to see Rebecca. We went straight there.
I felt a familiar sense when we pulled up on their tree-lined street in the West Village. I had been on this block before, admiring the stately, well-kept rows of brownstones. In the summer, every home’s window boxes had been overflowing with gorgeous flowers and it was an area of New York City that felt like a true neighborhood, with mothers pushing strollers and young couples sitting out on their stoops talking with neighbors. I laughed as I told him, “Caleb, when I was living in my fleabag of an apartment this summer I walked all over lower Manhattan, daydreaming about where I would live one day when I was a famous newscaster or network executive. I’ve been on this block like, a dozen times.”
“Yeah, I like the West Village too. You should have seen what their place looked like before Luke and Kate got a hold of it. It was a dump but it had great, classic features. Kate and Luke are really good at what they do.”
He wasn’t kidding; their home was beautiful. I thought if a potential client came in and saw their place there would be no doubt about hiring them as your team. Besides that, they were just wonderful. They radiated happiness and you could understand why. Rebecca was a sweet little angel, just beautiful. Kate put her right into my arms so that she could open my gift and I felt my heart fill with happiness as I held her. When I felt Caleb come up behind me, gently put his hands on my shoulders and press a kiss to my cheek, I had to hold back the urge to cry. I wasn’t sad at all, just overwhelmed with the feeling of love…from Caleb, for Caleb, from his family and for this sweet baby.
“Rene, these are so adorable. And the blanket is gorgeous. Thank you.”
“I’m so glad you like them.”
Luke chimed in, “Thank you, Rene. Hey, Caleb said you’ll be moving back to the city after graduation?”
“That’s my plan. Luckily, I already have a job lined up. I just heard yesterday that it’s all confirmed. Ohmigod, Caleb, I totally forgot to tell you!”
“Really? With Carey right, not Bennett?”
I laughed. “Yes, with Meredith Carey.”
Kate, Luke and Caleb all congratulated me. Caleb took Rebecca from me and handed her to Luke so that he could pick me up and spin me around, “That’s great, Rene!”
“I know. I’m really excited. It’s terrible but I just can’t wait for school to be over.”
Caleb added, “You can’t? I’m counting the days until you graduate!”
After Rebecca went down for her nap we ate lunch with Luke and Kate. I loved spending time with them. You could just feel how much they loved one other and they made me feel so at home. As we were leaving and saying our goodbyes, Luke held me an extra moment in a hug and said so that only I could hear, “You make Caleb so happy.” That warmed me from the inside out.
After we drove away I asked Caleb, “Should I just tell Darcy now? It makes me feel dishonest spending time with your family and then living with her while she’s in the dark,
you know?”
He nodded. “I’m fine with that, Rene. I’ll leave it to you. Just let me know what you decide so I’m ready.”
It just seemed like the right thing to do. When I got back to school, however, I changed my mind.
Sunday night, as I made my way down the path to our place, I could smell garlic bread and hear voices, people laughing. Darcy and Beth had just finished cooking a big dinner and a bunch of people were over; the place was wall-to-wall. Some were sitting around the table, some with plates on their laps on the couch, some eating at the kitchen counter. All of my roommates were there, of course, Tom, Chris, Mac, Ben, Marcus, a few other stragglers and…Tanner. What the hell?
I took a deep breath as I walked in with my overnight bag. So much for not making Tanner feel any worse. Chris bellowed, “Look who’s back!” He could be so freaking loud sometimes. “Where you been, Rene?”
“Nowhere.”
“You missed a good party last night.”
“Some of us have to work, Chris.”
Caitlin came closer to me and handed me a beer. “The party was here, Rene.”
“Oh.”
I threw my bag in the corner and tried to act normal. I was a little pissed at Darcy because I had the feeling Tanner was here at her invitation. I was also a little mad they had a party while I wasn’t here. I knew that was ridiculous on my part; I was the one leaving all the time but still…
I smiled at Tanner when our eyes met but I didn’t make my way over to him. What for, so I could say sorry again? I stayed on the couch next to Chris and just sat trying to listening to the conversations around me. Chris and Tom were talking about their rugby season—which teams were going be their toughest competition and all. Caleb’s name came up during the conversation when Tom was telling the rest of them about some tournament they’d played in together last fall. I then overheard Darcy talking with Jenna about another tournament Caleb was playing in Scotland next summer and that she and Tom wanted to head over there if they could. I must have been in a sour mood by then; I was now mad at Caleb because I didn’t know about his plans and was hearing about them second-hand through Darcy. It got better. Darcy then went on to tell Jenna that she’d just spoken to her mom who mentioned that Caleb had apparently brought a girl over to see the baby with him yesterday. Darcy was happy that Caleb was seeing someone but said, “I swear, if this girl hurts Caleb, I’ll hunt her down and kill her.”
Caitlin was listening in too and had an amused look on her face. I wasn’t amused. I was feeling aggravated, weary and I don’t know what else.
As I got up to leave, Tanner tapped my arm. “Hey, Rene, are you all right?”
“I’m fine, Tanner, just tired. How have you been?”
He nodded to reassure me. “I’m good. Is it ok that I’m here?”
“Of course it is, Tanner. I just didn’t think you’d want to be where I was.”
He laughed and looked down as he shoved his hands in his pockets nervously. “Actually, it’s the opposite.” I lowered my head. I could have broken down and wept at that moment. “Rene, I’m good, really.” He then lifted my chin. “I’m ok, but I do miss you. If it doesn’t work out with this guy, whatever, you know how I feel.”
Oh my God. Now I really wanted to kill Darcy. I shook my head. “Tanner, you’re too good for words. I want you to meet someone who’s good to you. Ok?”
He just nodded, resigned. I went upstairs and fell onto my bed. I texted Caleb:
I’m home safe. I decided I’m not going to tell Darcy.
A little while later Beth came in. “What’s up, girl?”
“Why was Tanner here?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did Darcy go out of her way to invite him?”
“I think she might have. I’m not sure though, Rene.”
“Why would she do that? I’ve been staying away from him for weeks.”
With that, Darcy walked in. “Hey.”
“You mind telling me why you invited him over? Do you think that was a kind thing to do to him? Or to me? Do you think I can’t make decisions for myself and you have to play matchmaker?” I was pissed.
She put her hands up defensively. “Whoa! You weren’t even here. And I am friends with him.” She plopped on my bed then. “And maybe I do want to push you two back together. Is that so terrible? He’s in love with you, Rene.”
“Darcy, do not do that again.” I couldn’t help but cry. “You’ve made it worse. You’re making him feel like there’s a chance we’ll get back together and there’s no chance of that. Do you understand?”
“I’m sorry, Rene.”
“I know you want something good for me. I know that’s why you did this but I can make my own decisions, Darcy. And I’m happy. I’m finally happy. The only sadness I have in my life right now is feeling badly for hurting Tanner.” I knew what she did was out of love and friendship for me, though, and the anger had already bled out of me. “If you want to do me a favor, use your excellent matchmaking skills on finding him a new girlfriend.”
She hugged me then. “I really am sorry, Rene.”
“It’s ok.”
I wanted to tell her about Caleb before but now it no longer seemed right. I had a few months, really just eight or nine weeks. It could wait.
When I went to see Caleb a couple of weeks later, he asked why I changed my mind about telling Darcy. I told him about her futile attempt to reunite me with Tanner. “I know it’s because when she’s happy, she wants everyone to be happy but she can be too much sometimes. Rene, if she does it again, and believe me she can be stubborn, just tell her about us. That way she’ll stop.”
“She won’t do it again. I made myself clear and she likes Tanner, she doesn’t want him getting hurt any more than he already is. I told her to use her skills on finding him a hot but nice, new girlfriend.”
“I almost feel bad for the poor bastard.”
“I feel awful. He’s a nice guy. And when we broke up I was kind of harsh. I didn’t mean to be but he set me off. I apologized but I wish I hadn’t lashed out at him.”
When he looked confused, I told him about Tanner’s wish to reunite me with my alcoholic, neglectful, dear old dad. “I knew we never had that strong of a connection but when Tanner suggested that, it just made it so crystal clear—he didn’t know me, he’d never know me. How could he think a reunion with that man would be a good thing? God, I was fourteen the last time I saw him. The night I ran out of that house I told myself I would never step foot in there again and I won’t…ever.”
Caleb
My stomach churned listening to her. She looked far away. She was sitting on the couch across from me, knees pressed up into her chest, looking out the window. I sat behind her and pulled her into me. “What happened to you that night you ran?”
She kept her gaze fixed out the window and didn’t say anything for a minute or two, making my discomfort grow. When she did start to speak, her voice was low and she didn’t look my way. “The night before, my father came staggering in around eight o’clock with some loser in tow. Usually he came home alone. This guy was wiry, with greasy black hair. As soon as he spotted me he leered like a fucking pig.”
I don’t think I’d ever heard Rene curse before. I took a deep breath and braced myself for what was coming. “God, I was fourteen. I had just…I mean, I wasn’t really even fully developed. I felt so exposed, like dirty, when this guy looked at me. No one had ever looked at me like that before.” She shook her head. “My dad wasn’t that far gone and the guy left before long. The next night, though, I felt afraid before my father even came in—just had a bad feeling. Sure enough, he came home with this guy again but that night my father was legless. I’m sure the guy plied my father with extra drinks so that my dad was in no shape to get between him and what he wanted.”
I wanted to stop her. I wanted to say it was ok, it was a long time ago. I didn’t want to have an image of what I sensed she was going to tell me. I knew, though, that she
wanted to tell me and it was rare that Rene wanted to share her past. Anytime this girl wanted to let you in, it was a gift. So even though I was fighting back the urge to punch the wall at that moment, I didn’t dare stop her. “He dropped my father on the couch and when I told him that I could take it from there, he just smiled at me and said something like, ‘That’s all right, honey, I can keep you company.’ When I told him to leave he started accusing me of being a tease. That I was teasing him the way I looked at him the night before. I managed to escape to the bathroom but of course in that unkempt dump, the lock was practically busted. I felt like he was going to break my legs the way he was charging at the door with my legs braced against it.”
I tightened my hold on her. “Did he get in, Rene?”
Her hands went up to cover her face roughly, like she was trying to erase the image from her mind. “Yeah, he did. God, he was all over me. His hands were pawing at me, he was trying to kiss me, and he was tearing at my clothes. I just kept trying to land a hit to anywhere—his nose, clawing at his eyes, kicking for his groin. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He was getting the best of me and I felt …helpless, like I was losing the fight. He just kept pushing his face up against mine, forcing his mouth on me with that boozy breath and grabbing me. I knew he was going to…” She shook her head again forcefully before going on, “Then I saw a bottle of after shave and brought it down hard on his face and I got him good in the nose. He spouted blood. That second he backed off to hold his face was all I needed to bolt. Instead of trying to run away from the house I went underneath it into a crawl space. I had no shoes on, my pajamas were torn…”
“Did he find you?”
She shook her head slowly. “No. I could hear him cursing, calling me a little bitch. He gave up pretty quickly I think, but I didn’t move for over two hours. I was afraid he might have been there waiting. Thank God it was only November but it was still so cold out there. When I thought it was finally safe I went back in and grabbed my books and some clothes and then I called my uncle.”
“You lived with them after that?”
“Off and on. You know that night, when my uncle came and got me, his wife was annoyed when I came back to their house? She never made me feel like I was welcome there. I don’t know why.”