“I’m going to go for a run,” I said.
He raised an eyebrow. “You don’t run.”
Turning on my heels, my body hummed with pent up aggression, waiting and ready to be released. “I do now.”
My lungs burned with fire, as did my limbs. I set my hands on my knees and bent forward, gasping for breath. Stupid idea. Yoga was my cup of tea; running was reserved for masochists. I swallowed a lump of nausea. Looking over my shoulder, my yellow cottage stood a mere five blocks away. Pathetic. After Nil had been born, Camille and I made a pact to get back in shape. We went to the gym twice before we abandoned the idea for the ice cream parlor across the street that had over a hundred different flavors. Since then, life had gotten in the way, but with my wedding date creeping closer, there wasn’t room for excuses. I could do workout videos on YouTube instead. A classmate from my old pastry school had lost fifty pounds that way. With that in mind, my feet did a one-eighty toward home. The anger that resided earlier faded into a low hum of regret. Luke didn’t deserve me snapping at him. He had a lot on his plate and giving up Five Guys for a domestic life couldn’t be easy either. While it showed how much he loved us, I hoped he didn’t regret it later. The groupies sat crossed legged on my lawn, guitars strumming, eyes closed. They sang Five Guys’ first number one hit, “Break Me,” in clear, melodic voices. A light sprinkle rained from the sky. The temperature hovered in the low fifties and I shivered at their lack of clothing. If they caught a cold, the press would deem it as torture.
Unlocking the front door, Luke called out from the kitchen. “That was quick.”
I walked straight to the hall linen closet. We had a couple of blankets that hadn’t been used in years. Minus the scent of mothballs, they were thick and warm. Ideal for protecting you against the winter chill.
Luke appeared underneath the archway and glanced curiously at the stack in my arms. “What are you up to?”
“They will freeze out there.”
“Who? The groupies?”
I shot a look at him that said duh, who else? He slid the blankets into his arms while adding a second one on top. It towered precariously.
“Can you pour the tea into the mugs I set out on the counter?” Luke asked.
“You made tea for them?”
“No honey in Mandy’s cup, though. She is allergic.” He poked his head around the blankets as he navigated his way to the front door.
I stared after him, flummoxed. How did Luke know the groupies’ drink order? Or their names for that matter? His manager had strongly encouraged him not to interact, but I guess his large heart prevented him from doing so. I smiled, about to burst with love for the man who’d captured my eye at eighteen. Our story hadn’t been without its pitfalls, but he was worth every tear shed.
Luke had his hand on the doorknob when I spoke. “Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. My hormones are extra hormonal lately.”
“No worries. I still love you to infinity and beyond.”
I grinned at his cheesy Star Wars reference. “You are a nerd.”
“You find it sexy.”
“More than I should.”
Laughing, he blew me a kiss and walked outside. I added tea bags to the mugs along with hot water. As I went to grab a lemon from the fridge, the overwhelming scent of tuna caused my gag reflex to react. Recoiling, my palm flattened against my abdomen. Nausea rolled swiftly then dissipated.
What the heck was that about?
I adore shellfish and it rarely makes me want to search for the nearest trashcan, unless it’s tainted, of course. Nevertheless, the only time that I couldn’t stand the stuff was when –
Holy shit.
Counting backwards, panic froze my veins. I was late by two weeks. I was never late. Birth control had a ninety percent effective rate. My chances of being pregnant were slim to none. Yet that ten percent window mocked me. Abandoning my task, I ran into the bathroom and yanked open the medicine cabinet. The blue pills were all accounted for. My eyes wandered to the cough medicine next to the faucet. As I scanned the back of the bottle, my heart sank.
In tiny script it read: May interfere with birth control.
The dizzy spells, ravenous hunger, sore breasts, and uncanny sense of smell were suddenly explained. It’s not that I didn’t want a second child with Luke. It was the timing. Our lives were in a transitional phase and for once, it would be nice to have a stable home environment to welcome a baby into. I gripped the edge of the sink. The dirty mirror reflected the black and blue smudges underneath my eyes. Sleep hadn’t been easy to come by lately. Crippling exhaustion crashed down upon me and forced my feet to head in the direction of my bedroom. When pregnant with Nil, I spent my first trimester either in bed or kneeling at the toilet. Fingers crossed this pregnancy was kinder to my body. I crawled underneath the feather soft duvet with a sigh. As soon as my head hit the pillow, sleep tugged at my subconscious.
“Mommy!”
Thirty pounds of bouncing energy startled me awake. Nil screeched in delight when my gaze landed on her. Dressed in a pink tutu, tights, and tiara, she looked like a princess. Her blonde curls were matted to her forehead.
“Did you get caught in the rain, sweetheart?” I asked.
“No.” She stopped jumping and flopped dramatically next to me. “Would it be ok if I wanted to quit the play?”
Nil had been chosen to play the lead character in The Nutcracker, which was a huge honor. Mrs. Meyers didn’t hand out that role lightly. Up until now, I’d thought Nil was just as excited as Luke and I were. There had to be a reason for her apprehensiveness. Like always, she revealed the root of the problem.
“It’s hard,” she pouted. “And Mrs. Meyers said there is gonna be thousands of people there.” Her blue eyes swam with fear. “Is that true?”
I opened my arms and she settled her cheek against my chest. My finger circled lazily on her back. The sweet smell of gardenias mingled with baby powder. It tickled my nose—a scent unique to my daughter.
“You will have an audience,” I said. “But you know what I do to battle stage fright?”
“What?”
“Close my eyes, take a deep breath, count to five, and tap into my inner calm.”
Her eyebrows bunched together. “Where is it?”
“It’s deep in your belly. Do you want to try?”
Nil scrambled to a sitting position and pulled her face into a mask of concentration.
I laughed quietly as I mirrored her actions. We faced each other like two warriors about to enter battle.
“Ok, close your eyes.” Once Nil followed suit, I did as well. “Breathe through your nose, into your belly, and out through the mouth. Do that five times.” My eyelids fluttered open as I counted her breaths. At the last and final exhale, my mouth stretched into a proud smile. “Good job!”
The anxiety was rid from her gaze. “I did it! It worked, Mommy! I feel my inner calm.”
“Do you think you can do that before you enter the stage?”
“Yeah, I think so. Are you and Daddy going to be there?”
“Of course, we wouldn’t miss it.” I yanked her into my lap and rested my chin on top of her head. “I love you, Nilly.”
“I love you, too.”
At five years old, she was somehow far wiser than most kids her age. It came from Luke who I teased mercilessly about being born in the wrong decade. Nil had also inherited her dad’s kindness and easygoing personality. They made my life richer than all the money in the world.
Luke padded into the bedroom, barefoot. “Hey, what are my two favorite girls doing?”
“Mommy taught me how to find calm.”
“She did? Where did you find it?” He jumped on the bed, playfully attacking Nil. She erupted in a fit of giggles as he tickled a weak spot. “Here?”
She squirmed. “No, it’s in your belly.”
“Your belly, huh?” Luke’s fingers moved to her side.
Nil’s laughter overflowed with contagious joy.
&
nbsp; I freeze-framed this moment to look back on and savor. To think in nine months, there could be another little human filling this house with noise…. Instead of anxiety, elation washed over me. While this pregnancy hadn’t been planned, it would be a blessing, just like Nil was.
I ducked out of the house under the excuse of buying groceries. Luke and Nil were cuddled up on the couch, watching a Disney movie. They’d hardly noticed I left. With the determination of a woman on a mission, I marched into Rite Aid and headed for the family planning aisle. Stacks of pregnancy tests lined the shelves to my right. Five years ago, they didn’t have nearly as many options. I swiped the same brand I’d used to find out about Nil. Then added two more tests to my basket. You can never be too sure. On my way to the checkout counter, a candy bar and a food magazine mysteriously ended up in there as well. Since privacy was hard to come by at my house, I ran to the restroom as soon as the cashier handed me the receipt. Finding an empty stall, I secured the lock and tore into the cardboard packaging. When nervous, my bladder kicked into higher gear so the whole peeing on demand thing wasn’t a problem. I positioned the pink and white stick between my legs. Five seconds later, my first test was ready to go. As I waited to find out if my future involved baby wipes and spit up, my knee jangled. My already bitten-to-the-quick nails got shorter. If I were pregnant, how would Luke react to the news? With Nil, he’d seemed ecstatic at first, calling her his little butterbean and tracking my progress. Fast forward eight months later though, and the story drastically changed. Alone and pregnant, Camille had become my surrogate partner. That couldn’t happen again. Luke couldn’t miss the first four years of his child’s life. I wanted us to experience his or hers milestones together. Document them in a scrapbook where the father wasn’t missing. The timer on my cellphone chimed and I silenced it. Apprehension sat heavily on my chest. Sweat beaded along my hairline as I flipped the stick face up. Two pink lines stared back at me.
“Holy shit.” My hand flew to my mouth.
Pregnant.
Preggers.
Prego.
Tears leaked from the corner of my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. Luke, Nil and I were going to welcome a new addition. My gaze stayed glued to the stick as if the answer would change. It didn’t. A thousand and one thoughts whirled through my mind. Where would the nursery go? Would my wedding dress still fit me? Is it a boy or girl? What would we name it? My breathing grew shallow. Grappling for my purse, my hand closed around my cell phone. While Camille and I still weren’t on the best of terms, she was my best friend. Had been since we were little and knew how to coax me off the ledge of panic faster than Luke did.
“This better be good. I have a test to study for that counts for half my grade,” she answered in the way of a greeting.
Talking over the phone wouldn’t do. Camille needed to be here in this smelly bathroom stall with me, counseling and cracking inappropriate jokes.
“Can you take a break?” I whispered ferociously. “Please. I’m at the Rite Aid on 15th and Republican.”
“What happened? Did you steal a tube of lipstick and get caught?” She gasped. “Oh my God! Are you in holding right now?”
“No but….” My voice cracked, as did my composure. Mascara streaked my cheeks. “I just really need you here. It’s important.”
Recognizing the signs of a full-blown meltdown, Camille changed her tune. “Ok, I’m leaving right now. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“Thank you,” I sniffled.
I shoved the test back into its plastic packaging for safekeeping and walked out of the stall to the sink. Turning the faucet onto ice cold, my hands cupped the water and splashed it on my face. A paper towel blotted away the remnants of my ruined makeup. My outward appearance now matched how I felt internally. Exposed and raw, like an open wound. Hoisting my butt onto the edge of the counter, my feet dangled off the side. My teeth bit off a piece of the chocolate bar while I waited for Camille to appear. I didn’t have to wait long.
She came barreling into the restroom, breathless and frantic. Her eyes narrowed when she caught sight of my relaxed posture. “What the hell?! You made it seem as if you were in great peril.”
“Great peril? You need to stop reading those romance novels.”
“Whatever! What’s so awful that you made me rush down here?”
Camille caught the package I tossed to her. Glancing at it then back up at me, I confirmed her unspoken question. Disbelief darkened her features.
“Seriously?” she asked.
“Serious as a heart attack.”
“Shit, that’s a….”
“Shock?” I barked out a laugh. “That’s an understatement.”
Camille scooted onto the counter and stole my candy bar, mid-bite. She tore off a large piece, chewing thoughtfully. Silence allowed for panic to creep inside my heart. Panic was exactly the emotion I’d invited Camille here to chase away. She was failing miserably.
I spoke. “It’s not as if I didn’t know exactly. The symptoms were there but things have been insane lately to put it mildly. Last night when the idea occurred that I might be pregnant, euphoria flooded my veins. Then today when I saw those two pink lines….”
“It became reality.”
“Exactly and I have so much on my plate already—a wedding to plan, a restaurant to tackle, and a honeymoon in Paris. Bringing a baby into the fold is too overwhelming to imagine.”
Camille grinned. “You and Luke make cute kids, though.”
She was spot on about that. We did make cute kids, adorable even, mostly thanks to Luke’s genes. I grabbed the candy bar back from Camille. Chocolate coated my tongue.
I swallowed. “Do you remember how Nil used to get thigh burns because they used to rub together constantly?”
“Rolls for days.”
Laughing, we strolled down memory lane together. The diaper changes, the late night feedings, and having to change clothes due to unmentionable stains. Camille didn’t leave my side until I became comfortable enough to handle Nil on my own. She’d gone beyond the normal duties of a friend. Without her and my grandmother, the unpredictable tides of motherhood would have drowned me.
“Was Luke a fat baby?” Camille asked.
“No, that was me. I had arm rolls, thigh rolls and stomach rolls. I can show you pictures.”
“I would love that.” She captured me in a weighty sideways glance. “So?”
Picking at a hangnail on my thumb, blood pooled. This baby growing inside me sparked a wicked case of déjà vu, but one thing was certain: Luke and I had an unbreakable bond that had only grown since he’d returned three months ago. We were in this together.
“So, I’m not sure.” My hand rested on my stomach. “It’s weird.”
“Tell me about it. The whole idea of having a living human bobbing around inside you gives me the heebie-jeebies.”
Camille’s stance on kids had never wavered, but I’d always hoped once the right guy came along, she’d change her mind. She would be an amazing mother.
“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I said. “I’m talking about how this time last year I had no idea I would be sitting in a woman’s restroom, knocked up with Luke’s baby and actually consider having it.”
“Life is like a roller coaster. You have to hold on and have faith that it won’t explode in a fiery crash.”
“That’s awfully depressing advice.”
She shrugged, unperturbed. “I got that nugget of wisdom from my mom. Blame her.”
“I’m ok. Your mom scares me.”
“Me and you both,” Camille grumbled.
Crumpling the empty candy wrapper, it landed gracefully in the trash. Luke and Nil were probably wondering what happened to me. I hopped off the counter while Camille did the same. Before we went our separate ways though, I needed to hear her honest to God opinion.
“What do you think I should do?” I questioned.
“The last time I offered my advice on something like this, it ended
up almost destroying our friendship,” she said, referring to when she’d kept Luke from seeing Nil the day of her birth.
“That’s because it wasn’t asked for and you went ahead and did it anyways, but that’s in the past. What should I do?”
Camille chewed her bottom lip, reluctance written in the lines around her mouth. “Only you know that answer.”
I threw my hands in the air. “Camille! What should I do?!”
“You should keep the baby! Duh!” she blurted in a single breath. “Jesus, you are tenacious.”
Camille confirmed what I’d already decided in my heart. Luke and I had been given a second chance at love, and now we’d been given a second chance at reliving the moments he’d missed with Nil. Camille gasped in surprise as my arms flung around her neck. She stumbled backwards, laughing.
“I’m going to be a mom again,” I whispered into her hair.
“You are.”
“Luke will be able to witness how terrifying childbirth is.”
Camille snorted. “It’s not that bad.”
Taking a step backwards, I raised my eyebrows at her. “Yeah? You want to try pushing a five pound baby out of you without an epidermal because you get to the hospital too late and there is nobody to hold your hand because the baby’s dad is supposedly an asshole who could care less about you?”
Camille shifted uncomfortably as an awkward tension hung in the air. My outburst went to show that no matter how much we’d tried to bandage our friendship, what Camille had done to me that day would always be the permanent elephant in the room.
She picked up her bag off the floor. “Luke will be right by your side this time, that’s what matters, right?”
“Right.”
“I have to go. My test won’t ace itself.” She gave a weak wave and was about to open the door when she turned around. “Congrats by the way. This baby will be amazing, just like Nil is.”
To Cherish and To Hold (Love of a Rockstar #1.5) Page 2