“Oh Randa, I just can’t believe that. He expressed to Fox how much happier he was with you in his life many, many times. He and Fox have been so close John’s entire life, if there was something that he didn’t like, Fox would know and he would have told me. Trust me on that.”
“I am devastated, just devastated Taylor. What do I do now?” Randa asked dejectedly.
“All that you can do is rest your heart and soul for a while giving them time to heal. And then turn the page and start a brand new chapter of your life.”
Randa touched the charm bracelet on her wrist that John had given to her. Fondling the heart charm, she thought to herself, my heart is closed, my spirit has died, and my soul is wilting more and more by the minute, though John’s memory will dwell there forever.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
2013
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Bill Wither’s soulful words stung John right in the heart. Flashbacks of his and Randa’s special moments together lingered mercilessly in his heart and in his mind.
John had seen what had happened to his father and he swore that no woman would ever yield that amount of power over him, even if it meant growing old alone. How did I fall so far and get drawn so deep into love with her, and how do I get out of it? I thought that by ending our relationship that I would, but I am still here in it, yet I am alone.
Sometimes I wish that I could just forget her and then I find myself worrying that she just might forget me. I destroyed my relationship with the person who meant more to me than anyone. Randa knew me and truly loved me. She was so real and she brought so much light, energy, strength, and love to my life. I miss her tremendously.
John closed his eyes and felt Randa’s warm vibrant spirit and her soft whisper deep inside him. I can’t believe that I found someone capable of that deep and life-changing love that is so rare and then I just threw our love away. Somehow, I doubt that I will ever find the peace of mind that I need so bad John thought as he got up and walked into the bathroom. He tried looking into the mirror at his reflection, but he just couldn’t. Finally, he forced himself to look. It didn’t do one bit of good to run back up to the North Slope, did it? The love is still there, stronger than ever, but now you don’t have her to share it with.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Randa was no longer able to frolic in the security of John’s warm love. A choice was made, that’s all she reminded herself. It was simple and it was immediate, but the repercussions reverberate throughout the heavens, which open up and blanket the lands with my wet cold shivering tears. That sums up my existence she surmised silently.
“The thing about love,” Randa began, “is that there is no feeling in the world like being wrapped up in it and having it mutually returned and there is also no feeling like no longer having it and missing it so much once it is gone.”
Taylor listened. They were having dinner at a Chinese restaurant. “You are one of the most beautiful women I know and I know a lot of people! You are also loving and kind and smart and giving. There are throngs of men who would just love to be in your presence for an evening.”
“Oh Taylor, you are so silly!”
“Yes I am, but I don’t lie,” Taylor giggled.
“The thought of being on a date with any other man than John makes me ill. How could he just walk away? I know that he fell in love with me.”
“I just don’t know Randa. There is no doubt that he was in love with you. I’m so sorry.”
Randa nodded. “You know what Taylor? Our love hangs on by the barest of threads. I choose to keep it alive letting it live right below the surface, never quite reaching out and touching it, but I know that it is always there.”
Taylor could only nod to her friend.
Finally Taylor piped up, “Randa what does your fortune say?”
Randa reached over and picked up the last remaining fortune cookie on the plate. Cracking it open with all of her fingers, she laid it down on her plate and removed the small white paper. After reading it silently, she looked up to see Taylor watching her and waiting. Feeling the lump in her throat and swallowing hard, she read, ‘Don’t give up on me. Ever.’
Chapter Thirty
John flipped through his mail. As soon as he saw the neat fanciful writing, he knew the letter was from her.
My Dearest John,
Hello! I hope you are doing well! As you know, writing is a catharsis for me. Instead of turning my thoughts of you and me into a song to share with the public, I am choosing to share them with you.
I haven’t given up on the amazing man who loved me deeply and who deserved our incredible love as much as I did. Is our love still inside you? Does it beat in your heart and rest in your soul? You felt how deeply I loved you. I know you did. I have given you nothing less than my purest love. I am hanging on, keeping our love alive for as long as I can. Now is the time before the moment is lost. Once it slips away, it will be gone forever….never to be retrieved or replaced, only to be mourned for all that has been lost. This is our only chance. Do you understand that? Do you feel that? You’ve shown me the way….don’t let me go now. This path is meant for two….me and you. No one else. Sure, I could continue the stroll by myself, but why? Why deny ourselves everything? Strong, passionate love is my destiny. My soul is crying out for your love, the love that it got a taste of, the love that fed my soul and set it on fire. Your love satisfied my soul’s hunger. Do we continue to walk away from each other only to eventually experience our biggest regret ever?
I don’t want to die without you, because without you I do not live. I hope our love is etched into your heart and soul as it is in mine. The truly sad part is that we’ll never know what could have been and yet we do know, don’t we? I love you John ….remember that until the end of days.
I Love You,
Your Baby Doll,
Randa
John looked down at the pink stationary. I have so much love right here in my hands just by holding her letter.
Chapter Thirty-One
Randa nervously sat down on the sofa to wait. The cozy room was anything but green with its luxurious loveseats made of rich mahogany leather. She pulled a small compact out of her handbag and looked into its mirror. The bright sparkling light that she usually saw in her sable almond-shaped eyes was dim. There was no longer that glimmer of hope that John would come back to her and they would live that imagined incredible life together. She was happy overall with her world. Being close to her family, having caring friends and a wildly successful songwriting career gave her plenty of reasons to express gratitude, but it was joy that was missing. She could feel the lack of it throughout her heart, spirit, and soul because it created its own unique kind of emptiness that nothing other than John’s love could assuage. Oh well, Randa reminded herself, I’ve already accepted the circumstances. I’m becoming an expert at presenting a cheerful facade when necessary. The upcoming interview will be effortless, she assumed.
Jill, the host of Celebrity Closeup, was already a friend of Randa’s, having been introduced years before. She was quick to discover that even though Randa was very beautiful and genteel, she was also happy, genuine, and fun! And Jill’s unequivocal integrity had proven to Randa and many others that she was a master at knowing what could be used as sustenance for the general public and what needed to be kept private and she worked accordingly.
Randa received her cue silently from the smiling assistant. She rose quickly, moved to the edge of the stage, and paused. Jill was delicately petite, but she had a robust voice and she gaily introduced Randa as one of the hottest songwriters in music. Taylor routinely took her songs to the top of the charts, not only on the top 40 pop chart, but also in the country music genre. Randa glided across the floor and Jill lightly embraced her in a hug trying to put her at a sense of ease. She had been a previous guest on Jill’s show, but as a complement to Taylor, not as the featured guest. The live audience clapped excitedly as Randa sat down opposite Jill.
She felt her checks redden and her face grow warm with embarrassment as she nodded to the large studio audience. Jill gave a brief, but detailed synopsis on Randa’s career and then asked her to sing her latest song entitled, ‘If I Don’t Cry, Then It Doesn’t Count,’ which had just been released. Randa picked up the guitar and began:
No tears are filling my eyes
Or rolling down my cheeks
You left no scar on my heart
And no hole in my soul
You don’t fill my thoughts
You are gone and I am strong
If I don’t cry, then it doesn’t count
Did it ever even happen?
There’s no evidence that you were even here
Do you even exist?
I bet it was only a dream
Because I didn’t cry, so it doesn’t count
You weren’t an amazing man
You didn’t love me like no other
Our life was going to be one big adventure
Obviously, we didn’t matter
Because you left me standing alone
Closing the door on our future
If I don’t cry, then it doesn’t count
Did it ever even happen?
There’s no evidence that you were even here
Do you even exist?
I bet it was only a dream
Because I didn’t cry, so it doesn’t count
You won’t cripple my life
Heck, I never even cared
”Thank you Randa. We certainly enjoyed it, but you have always written cheerful songs that are about love and the search for The One as you call it, until now. Have you changed your mind about the significance of finding and keeping romantic love in our lives?”
“Of course not,” Randa stated confidently. “There seem to be very few people who don’t want someone to love and care about them on a deeper level. So many people suffer from loneliness. My desire has always been to provide hope to those who might otherwise give up in their search for a mate.”
“Is someone ever too old to find their significant other?” Jill asked.
“No, never! Even though Taylor and other talented singers and musicians turn my lyrics into these cool, upbeat songs, which naturally appeal to young adults, my songs are written for people of all ages. As long as a person feels that distinct yearning and is willing to put forth the minimum of necessary effort, age should not be an inhibiting factor. When people believe that there is a possibility and that a chance remains, most won’t give up. As we get older, it does seem to become much more difficult connecting with people, especially members of the opposite sex, who might be harmonious with us. I recently read an obituary in the newspaper of a college English professor who finally met his soul mate when he was 63 years old. They married and he and his wife were fortunate enough to have 26 wonderful years together before he died.”
“Wow! That’s very inspiring! How fortunate were they, when so many older people end up being alone.”
“Yes, very, very fortunate,” Randa nodded in agreement.
“Do you believe in soul mates? That there is one ‘out there’ for each of us?”
“Yes, I do Jill! According to Greek mythology, humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus, the Greek King of the Gods, feared their power, so he split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them,” Randa stated.”Now, what a romantic and enchanting idea that we love, right? I know I do. To find The One person who is our other half and who would make us whole and perfect would be one of the greatest blessings ever to be received. Many people insist that they have found their soul mate. There is no way to prove or disprove their claim. And it really doesn’t matter because what they think and how they feel is all that counts at the end of the day. Having said that, I think that it is very important to realize that you can meet a terrific person and have a healthy and loving relationship with them and he or she may or may not be your soul mate and that is okay. The idea of a ‘soul mate’ sometimes puts too much pressure on an intimacy when we are all simply imperfect human beings. Great communication is one of the key elements to a successful relationship, but if we are with our soul mate, it’s easiest to think that they can read our mind and automatically know what our needs are and how to fulfill them. When that doesn’t happen, disappointment surfaces, sometimes quietly and sometimes ferociously, damaging the bond. For our own well-being, it is essential that we are aware of our own individual souls. We need to regard them as magnificent and we need to nurture and nourish them, so that they are vibrant and strong in this sometimes shivering cold and very harsh world.”
“Randa have you ever encountered someone or something negative that made you examine your beliefs?” Jill asked curiously.
“There are lots of people in the world who have become jaded about love because of unsuccessful relationships and they can be very vocal about their cynicism, but rarely do I consciously challenge my beliefs because they are so strong and deeply imbedded into my being.”
“What about unconsciously? Do you ever catch yourself involuntarily questioning your ideas?” Jill smiled mischievously.
Randa laughed. Jill’s clever ability to notice the contrary aspect of a subject so subtly was always to be expected.”I have Jill and my one question was, ‘Is love real?’ Somehow deep down, we know that it’s the only thing that is real and that’s why we crave it so desperately, but how do you find The One?” Randa slowly drew a deep breath, “the only hope is to reach out and give the purest and truest love that you have in your heart and believe that someday, someone will return it back to you.”
“The lyrics for ‘If I Don’t Cry, Then It Doesn’t Count’ seem very personal. Did you write it while thinking of someone in particular?”
Randa turned and scanned the audience who was eagerly awaiting her response. “Yes, a man who was very special to me.”
“Oh?” Jill said sounding surprised even though she knew of Randa and John’s relationship.
“Yes and he ended our love affair without an explanation,” Randa said quietly.
“I see.”
“The ironic part is that all of the lyrics are a total farce, because he was an amazing man, unlike anyone that I have ever known. It hurt terribly when he told me good-bye. I cried every night for months. I was very much in love with him.” Randa’s words echoed inside her mind and stillness permeated the air as she realized just how candid she had been with her innermost feelings.
“Are you still in love with this man Randa?”
Randa looked down at the floor for a moment. She felt her throat closing up and tears began to fill her soft eyes. She looked up at Jill and quietly said, ‘no’ as a single tear ran down her cheek.
Jill’s empathy and kindness prevailed. She deftly changed the subject and started asking questions about breaking into the songwriting business. Randa was relieved and eagerly shared her unconventional career path and her favorite quote by writer Emily Dickinson, ‘Dwell in Possibility,’ which were words that she lived her life by, at least until the breakup. The interview quickly wrapped up and Randa realized that her hand was shaking. No one had noticed it, but she felt it and quickly started flexing it, hoping to relax it.
As soon as she walked out of the studio, she turned on her phone and it began ringing. Taylor was calling. “Randa! Jill called me after the interview and told me what happened. How could you say that you don’t love John anymore?”
“Because I don’t!” Randa exclaimed. “Meet me at Lux’s for dinner at 8:00 Taylor and we’ll catch up.”
“I can’t wait to hear what happened!” Taylor squealed.
“Nothing has happened Taylor,” Randa snapped since she was a bit exasperated at her best friend.
***
Taylor was a few minutes late arriving at Lux’s, but Randa knew to expect that and used the time to close her eyes for a moment and remember how it fel
t to have John’s arms around her as he hugged her. He would always lean back and tilt her chin slightly upward so that he could look deeply into her with his twinkling blue eyes that reveled at the edge of her soul in blissful delight.
Randa immediately opened her eyes when she heard Taylor sit down at the table. Randa smiled at Taylor and that was all it took for her to begin talking non-stop until their entrées were served. Randa was grateful to just sit quietly and listen. She felt that she had said more than enough for one day. Baring her deep feelings publicly, though not her intention, was actually somewhat liberating she realized. If John thought that she was still pining over him, this would set things straight. He had thrown away everything that they had created together and she had waited for him to come back long enough! Life was about living. John could just stay up on that slope and never come down for all she cared!
“Randa, did you hear me?”
“What? Oh, I’m sorry Taylor. I was lost in my own thoughts.”
“That’s okay. I saw the interview for myself. It was really good, but I was surprised that you were so candid about John.”
”You know that my heart has cried so many tears over him Taylor. I always thought that my love for John was worth holding onto. I’ve kept it safe and I’ve kept it sacred and I’ve protected it. I even fight for it even when my mind tells me to walk away and abandon it. I’m just becoming numb and that’s not my nature. I truly thought that John was ‘The One.’” Randa paused, “Do you remember that it always felt like something was missing for me with everyone that I ever dated until I met John?”
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