by Susan Lewis
Tilting her face up to his, he said, more firmly, ‘It’s going to be fine.’
She wasn’t sure why that gave her courage, but it did, slightly, and as some of her nerves faded the bottom half of the farmhouse door suddenly crashed open and a boisterous Border collie hurled itself at Josh.
Spinning the dog away from Vivi before it knocked her over, he said, ‘This is Dodgy. He has unusual manners, but he’s very good at doing as he’s told,’ and holding up a hand he said, ‘Dodgy, this is Vivienne. Please say hello.’
To Vivi’s amazement Dodgy turned to her, tilted his head to one side and gave a small bark as he raised a paw. Taking it, she shook it politely. ‘Hello, Dodgy, I’m very pleased to meet you.’
Dodgy’s tongue lolled as he panted with pleasure.
‘Please don’t let’s do any master/owner analogies here,’ Josh muttered. To the dog he said, ‘Find Ellie,’ and Dodgy was instantly shepherding a worried-looking Ellie to Josh’s side.
As they walked around the outside of the house to the back garden Vivi could hear voices and was aware of her heart hammering in an unnerving way. Apparently sensing it, Josh’s hand tightened on hers and she tried to pull herself together. Her condition didn’t make her less of a person, she must remember that, and stop assuming that people would even think it.
At first no one noticed the newcomers, they were all too busy chatting and drinking wine under an enormous vine-covered gazebo where the table was laden with so many dishes and bottles it was barely possible to see the white linen cloth underneath. She glanced about the garden and was instantly charmed by its vivid colours and meandering lawn, by the children playing in a large paddling pool beneath the protective branches of an old cedar tree, while a lamb and a goat slept peacefully beside a rocky outcrop.
‘Uncle Josh!’ a child’s voice suddenly squealed, and Vivi watched as a small boy, as naked as the day he’d been born, raced from under cover of a weeping willow and screamed in protest as Josh pretended to run away.
An older woman with beautiful grey eyes got to her feet and came to join them as Josh swept the boy up and gave him a playful shake. ‘Vivienne, how lovely,’ she exclaimed throatily, and Vivi knew right away that she was Josh’s mother. She was tall and curvy with an abundance of silvery hair tumbling from a loose bun at the nape of her neck, and though she had to be in her sixties the only real telltale sign of her age and occupation showed in her weather-beaten hands. Smiling in welcome, she clasped Vivi into a hug, and when she murmured, ‘I’m Shelley, and I promise the only one who bites around here is my son,’ Vivi knew instinctively that their shared loved of Josh was all they needed to understand one another.
‘Come and meet everyone,’ Shelley insisted, and tucking Vivi’s hand through her arm she led her to the table, where everyone was starting to get up.
‘No, please don’t,’ Vivi protested.
Sinking back down, a forty-something woman with a shock of reddish-brown hair and blue-grey eyes gave a casual wave as she said, ‘Hi, I’m Hanna, Josh’s sister. It’s lovely to meet you. The noisy offspring are mostly mine, but we try to ignore them so please feel free to do the same. I’m sorry my husband’s not here – he’s in Brussels this weekend – but he asked me to say hi on his behalf.’
‘Hanna’s husband is a consultant editor for a weekly news magazine,’ Shelley explained. ‘They met when Martin first came here to interview us about Deerwood, thirteen years ago, and he never quite left.’ Continuing around the table, she said, ‘This is my brother-in-law, Nate; my mother, Patty, and dad, George. The handsome devil over there is David, my father-in-law. Next to him is the other handsome devil of the family, Perry, and then we have Perry’s wife, Selma, who, as you can see, might just get carted off to the maternity ward before the day is out.’
‘Unless, like you,’ Perry added, ‘she decides to give birth halfway down the drive.’
‘That was Josh,’ Shelley informed Vivi. ‘He never could wait for anything, so his dad was forced to bring him into the world before we could even get to the main road, which is kind of about right for my son, to be birthed by a vet. Now, what would you like to drink? We have some delicious iced tea made from Deerwood summer berries, or you can try our home-made plum and ginger smoothie, ingredients also from Deerwood. There’s wine, which you might prefer, but I’ll leave that up to you. Do sit down. Anywhere is fine. Josh, pull up a chair.’
In what felt like no time at all Vivi was laughing at the family banter, understanding that much of it was a show especially for her, particularly when it came to embarrassing stories about Josh. Although it was clear he wished they’d stop, she kept squeezing his hand to let him know that nothing, not even his very worst escapades, could make her do anything but love him more.
‘Ah, Tom,’ Josh announced, getting to his feet as a distinguished-looking, casually dressed older man came out of the kitchen door to join them. ‘Vivi, meet Tom Bakerson, my stepfather in waiting.’
‘Don’t you ever do subtle?’ Shelley groaned, as Vivi shook Tom’s outstretched hand.
‘I’m a patient man,’ Tom declared, giving a wave to the table at large as he sat down next to Shelley. ‘Are we barbecuing?’ he asked.
‘About to light up,’ Nate assured him, and passing Tom a beer from a cold bucket at his feet, he ambled off to start the honours.
Soon they were eating, and Vivi began to suspect that almost everything had been prepared with her in mind, from the abundance of fresh salads coated in all the right oils, to a luscious avocado and salmon salsa, to the organic burgers and sausages that came from the grill. It was so delicious and wholesome that she wondered if she ought to ask Shelley’s mother for a heart-friendly diet to post online.
By now she was on her third berry tea, and close to feeling intoxicated on the atmosphere alone as Shelley said, ‘Tell us about your family, Vivienne. Do you have any brothers and sisters?’
‘I have a half-brother, Mark,’ she replied. ‘He’s touring Italy with some friends from uni at the moment. My mother is a hairdresser in town.’
‘Do we know her?’ Selma asked, biting into a chocolate-dipped strawberry. ‘Some of us do go on occasion, although you might not believe it looking at us now.’
Laughing, Vivi said, ‘She has The Salon on the …’
‘The Salon?’ Shelley exclaimed excitedly. ‘Of course we know her. Gina Hamilton. I mean, we don’t know her, but she donates regularly to our residency programme, and she even sends stylists out to give some free training now and again.’
Surprised that her mother hadn’t mentioned this, which made her reaction to the mention of Deerwood this morning even more baffling, Vivi wasn’t sure what to say.
‘She’s the best hairdresser in town,’ Patty declared knowledgeably. ‘I go to her all the time and look at me. I’m eighty-five and she makes me look like a supermodel.’
As the others laughed, Vivi twinkled as she said, ‘I’ll be sure to tell her.’
‘She’s so beautiful herself,’ Patty commented, gazing fondly at Vivi. ‘And so are you, my dear, very beautiful …’
‘Mum,’ Shelley groaned.
‘I’m just saying,’ Patty retorted.
Josh said, ‘So why don’t we stop embarrassing her and carry on embarrassing ourselves instead? Hanna, your turn.’
Throwing a napkin at him, Hanna asked, ‘Has he told you, Vivi, why he has a flat in town?’
Turning to him, Vivi said, ‘No, not really.’
‘For God’s sake,’ Josh protested, throwing out his hands.
‘It’s because,’ Hanna informed her, ‘our female residents tend to develop crushes on him. We’ve even had them breaking into the house when he’s here, desperate to get hold of him.’
‘It’s true,’ Selma insisted, clearly enjoying the moment.
‘And she needs to know this because?’ Josh demanded.
Wading in to the rescue, Patty turned the subject back to Italy, and soon more stories were being told abou
t family holidays around Europe, until the children decided to join in and it became all about them.
Vivi had been there for almost three hours before the first waves of tiredness came over her in a dreamy, restful sort of way. Josh moved in to put an arm around her so she could lean on him, and she thought she might have drifted off for a few minutes, because the next thing she knew the table was being cleared.
‘Oh, please, let me help,’ she tried to insist, and she would have jumped to her feet had Josh not held her back, seeming to realize that the sudden movement would dizzy her.
‘It’s OK,’ Hanna chided softly, ‘we can manage.’
‘Unless you’d like to see my new kitchen,’ Shelley invited with a playful waggle of her eyebrows.
‘You should,’ Patty urged. ‘It’s quite state of the art, circa 1990.’
‘That’s mean,’ Shelley scolded. ‘Just because it looks the same doesn’t mean it is the same. The ovens and worktops are new, so are all the handles, and we now have soft close cupboards and drawers. We didn’t have anything like that back in the day.’
Vivi was smiling, thinking still of Josh making his first appearance halfway down the drive, straight into his father’s arms … Touched by how meaningful that was, she turned to look at him and smiled deeply into his eyes.
‘What are you thinking?’ he murmured, brushing the hair from her face.
‘That this has been a perfect day. I love your family and the farm. I feel I could stay here for ever.’
As his lips touched her forehead, he whispered, ‘We’re being watched.’
Vivi turned to find Vicky, Hanna’s six-year-old, staring at them with frank curiosity. ‘Hello,’ Vivi said with a smile.
Vicky swung herself from side to side, her big eyes still fixed on Vivi as her pink ruched swimsuit dripped water onto the patio, and her fair hair ran small rivulets onto her neck. ‘You’re pretty,’ she stated, as if just coming to a conclusion.
Vivi smiled. ‘Thank you. So are you.’
Vicky nodded, signalling she already knew that. ‘Are you going to marry Uncle Josh?’ she asked.
As Josh gulped, Hanna growled from the kitchen, ‘Vicky!’ Her tone made it clear she’d overheard.
‘Are you?’ Vicky persisted.
Josh said, ‘Tell you what, why don’t you let me do the asking?’
Vicky nodded and waited.
Vivi had to laugh.
‘Not now!’ Josh protested.
Unperturbed, Vicky stayed where she was, apparently fascinated by Vivienne, until her mother reappeared and shoved half a dozen ice lollies into her hands. ‘Go and share them out,’ Hanna instructed, ‘and don’t come back for at least half an hour.’
As she watched the little girl skip away, Vivi felt the sadness of all that she and Josh could never share overwhelming her. She swallowed hard on the emotions and stared at her phone, too upset for the moment to look elsewhere.
Josh said, ‘Why don’t we go for a walk?’
Bolstering herself, she said, ‘Good idea. I haven’t met all the animals yet.’
As they got to their feet, Patty handed Josh a large empty platter. ‘Take this in with you,’ she said, ‘and help yourselves to an ice cream on your way through. They’re in the freezer in the utility room.’
Scooping up a handful of plates to clear away, Vivi followed Josh through the open door, and was blinded for a moment as her eyes adjusted to the sudden change of light. When they did she was as impressed by the kitchen, where Shelley was loading the dishwasher, as she was by everything else she’d seen that day. It had everything a self-respecting farmhouse kitchen should have, from the Aga, to the flagstones, to the abundance of dried herbs and battered pans hanging high from a square rack over the table. There were even granite worktops and a hand pump next to the vast inglenook fireplace, to bring water up from the well, Shelley explained.
‘You have a well!’ Vivi cried, impressed.
‘No,’ Shelley confessed, and they laughed.
As Josh went for ice cream Vivi put down the plates and looked around again, until her eyes reached the family portrait over the sideboard. The man at the centre of the group was so like Josh it could almost have been him.
‘It was done from a photo,’ Shelley explained, coming to stand beside her. ‘Josh was four at the time it was taken.’
‘He’s so gorgeous,’ Vivi smiled, trying not to think of how their son would look if they could have one. Just like this adorable, curly-headed little boy with wide blue eyes and an impish grin that would light any mother’s heart. ‘And the image of his dad,’ she said.
‘He is,’ Shelley confirmed, and added with a sigh, ‘Jack wasn’t much older there than Josh is now. It shocks me sometimes to realize how many years have passed.’
Sensing she still missed her husband, Vivi was about to ask more about him when she noticed a bronze sculpture in a niche to one side of the portrait. For some reason it seemed familiar, so she stepped forward for a closer look. She was sure she’d seen it before. Or no, what she’d seen was something like it, perhaps a piece created by the same sculptor. The way this female’s arm was outstretched, the position of her feet and illusory movement of her skirts, the backward tilt of her head …
‘Beautiful, isn’t she?’ Shelley murmured. ‘She used to have a partner, a male, but he got lost around the time Jack died and we’ve never found him.’
Vivi was suddenly finding it hard to breathe, or even to think straight. She tried to clear her head, to push away the suspicions that were crowding her, but the worst of them was as immovable as the bronze, and she couldn’t escape it. She knew where the partner was, who had it secreted away in a bottom drawer, but it wasn’t making any sense. Why would her mother have it? Who had given it to her? Why had she kept it hidden all these years? Vivi’s hand went up as though to stop the appalling ambush of understanding that was growing darker and more terrible by the second, but it was already wrenching up the memory of her mother’s reaction this morning …
It couldn’t be what she was thinking. It wasn’t possible, and yet it was making the worst, the very worst kind of sense.
‘Are you OK?’ Josh asked, coming up behind her.
She flinched, unable to let him touch her. ‘I need to go home,’ she said shakily. ‘I’m sorry … I …’
‘It’s OK. I’ll take you.’ He clearly thought she was unwell, but didn’t make a fuss or draw attention to her. ‘Go on out to the car,’ he said softly, ‘I’ll fetch your bag and make your excuses.’
As she moved towards the door Vivi was aware of Shelley’s eyes following her, curiously, worriedly. Unable to look at her, Vivi only half turned as she said, ‘I’m sorry … It’s been …’
‘It’s all right,’ Shelley insisted. ‘We’ve enjoyed meeting you. Please come again.’
Vivi stumbled outside and started to dry retch as she reached the car. She couldn’t be right about this, please God, please God, she just couldn’t be …
After feigning sleep most of the way home, Vivi finally opened her eyes as Josh pulled the Land Rover to a stop at the end of Bay Lane. She felt so devastated, so completely shattered inside that she hardly knew what to say to him.
Aware of his concern, and his arm about to go around her, she pushed open the car door and stumbled out. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said brokenly. ‘I need …’
‘It’s OK,’ he assured her. ‘I’ll come and help you in.’
‘No! No, I’m fine. I … I’ll call you when I’ve had some rest.’
As she went to the front door she could feel him watching her, and she silently begged her wretched heart to fail now so she could put an end to the monstrous trick fate had played them. Wasn’t it enough that it had wrecked everything else by turning her into an invalid, a shadow of who she used to be, making her dependent on someone else dying so she could carry on living? Why had it done this too? Why bring him into her life and let her believe, feel what true love could be like, when it hadn’t been t
rue love at all?
Hearing voices in the kitchen, she went silently along the hall and upstairs to her room. She couldn’t face her mother, not now, maybe not ever. She couldn’t even bring herself to speak to Michelle. She simply lay down on the bed, but as the unthinkable nightmare swamped her she swung her feet back to the floor.
She needed to find the male dancer. She had to see it again, to hold it in her hands and be certain …
She could hear Gil’s voice downstairs, and her mother’s. She had no idea if they knew she was home, and didn’t care. She wasn’t thinking about them, had no interest in them as she moved across the landing and up the three stairs into her mother’s room.
The sculpture wasn’t where she’d last found it; it wasn’t in that chest of drawers. She finally tracked it down to the darkest depths of an old wardrobe in a spare room at the other end of the landing. It was still wrapped in linens and tissue, yellowed with age, which fell apart as she unwound them.
She held the male dancer to the light, registering the one hand raised behind him, the other reaching for his partner’s, ready to spin her on into the dance. It was so obvious they were a pair, so clear that they belonged together that she could hardly bear that they’d been parted, much less what the separation meant.
‘… he got lost around the time Jack died,’ Shelley had said, ‘and we’ve never found him.’
‘Vivi! Stop! Stop!’
Vivi heard Sam’s car braking as she ran from the house, and knew he was coming after her, but she couldn’t, wouldn’t let him catch her. She was running harder than she ever had, pounding the sand, scrambling over rocks, leaping pools, pressing herself on and on, putting every bit of strain she could on her heart until it could take no more.
‘Vivi! For God’s sake!’
Her muscles and lungs were burning; blood coursed through her veins like fire. She couldn’t let the nightmare catch up, couldn’t allow it to be real.
She wanted to die.
Aware of a hand grabbing her arm she tried to break free, but Sam was spinning her round, holding her up as she started to fall.