by Susan Lewis
Wrapping an arm around her, Josh raised a hand to yet more cheering and applause as he said, ‘Thanks, everyone. Please carry on enjoying yourselves, and those of you who are still here in the morning, I guess we’ll see you then. On the other hand, we might not.’
A few minutes later, having escaped a lengthy round of goodnights, they were in Josh’s room inside the farmhouse, where candles had already been lit by his sisters and the bed strewn with petals. Barely hearing the wind howling outside, or the music that still thumped in the barn, he took Vivi’s face in his hands and tried to kiss away the tears. It was hard when he was so close to the edge himself.
‘It’ll be all right,’ he whispered shakily. ‘I promise, we’ll get through these next months and everything will be fine.’
Josh and Vivi left the Land Rover beside the road at Deerwood’s entry layby to stroll along the drive recently transformed into a rambling, glittering Christmas market. Everything was on offer, from hot food and mulled wine, to handcrafted tree ornaments and jewellery, to watercolours of the local landscape, and quirky ceramic pots. The residents had been working up to the event for weeks, building the stalls, stringing lights, sorting music and borrowing braziers, barbecues, a candyfloss machine and even a carousel. The atmosphere was so festive that it was impossible for spirits to be anything but high, and as Josh and Vivi, bundled up in scarves and woollen hats, strolled through the small crowd of eager shoppers they felt themselves becoming as infected by the good cheer as everyone else. These youngsters, still in their teens, had known more hardship and heartache in their short lives than most people could begin to imagine, yet looking at them now, red-cheeked, laughing and loving this seasonal build-up, it was hard to see them as anything other than the hard-working, hopeful and go-getting achievers that Deerwood was helping them to become.
After stopping to buy cookies and hot chocolate from the Great Deerwood Bake Off stall, they walked on, intoxicated by the aromas of spicy punch and roasting chestnuts. It seemed incredible to Vivi that this was going to be their first Christmas together, and that they’d only been married for a matter of weeks, when it felt as though they’d been in each other’s lives for ever. She understood now what it meant to have found her soulmate, the way Shelley and Jack had found theirs, and her mother and Gil. Michelle and Sam, too. She realized it didn’t happen for everyone, and that it had happened for her and Josh was yet another miracle amongst the many that had so radically changed their lives in so short a time.
‘Hello, Josh.’
Vivi looked up from a tray of handmade chocolates she was inspecting to find an older woman, tall and rangy, staring right at her, not Josh. Her grey eyes were watery and seemed faintly troubled; her fine white hair, topped by a navy beret, fell lankly to the collar of her quilted coat. For all that, she was a lovely-looking woman with a quiet air of gentility and grace about her. Beside her was a slightly stooped man of around the same age, who seemed shaky on his legs and vaguely baffled by where he was.
‘Jemmie,’ Josh said, in a tone that was both warm and elusive.
As Vivi registered the name she felt a spasm of nervous tension clench her insides. Or was it the baby trying to land its first kick?
‘Is this your new wife, dear?’ the woman asked, still looking at Vivi in a curious, not unfriendly way.
Josh said. ‘Vivi, this is Sir Humphrey Bleasdale and his wife, Lady …’
‘Oh no, you’re to call me Jemmie,’ she insisted, ‘everyone does,’ and reaching for Vivi’s hand she clasped it between her thick woolly mittens. ‘You’re very lovely,’ she told her, seeming oddly satisfied with having noticed this. ‘Isn’t she lovely, Humphrey?’
The old man blinked.
‘Thank you,’ Vivi replied, momentarily lost for more words. These people are my grandparents. I am descended from them and they have no idea. Should they mean something to me? Is there an unspoken connection happening between us that I’m not yet aware of? Her eyes went to Humphrey, the foolish man whose bluster and arrogance had started a silly feud over the hunt all those years ago, and back to the woman who’d lied to Shelley to protect her sons. These were the parents of the insufferably arrogant twin whose cruelty and threats had blighted her mother’s life.
She would never think of him as her father.
‘You must come for Christmas drinks,’ Jemmie was saying, her eyes no longer on Vivi or Josh. She was looking past them now, not at the stalls or anyone else, it seemed, but at something indeterminate, for her expression had turned vague and slightly sad.
‘Is Fiona here?’ Josh asked, looking around.
‘Oh, I think so,’ Jemmie replied.
Realizing that Fiona was her aunt, Vivi glanced about too, bracing herself to meet another member of the family she had no desire to know.
‘Ah, there you are.’ It was a middle-aged woman, bouncy and slight and puffing small clouds of breath into the cold air. She resembled Jemmie so closely that there could be no mistaking their relationship. ‘I told you not to wander off,’ she chided, and going up on tiptoe she pressed a kiss to Josh’s cheek. ‘It’s good to see you,’ she told him warmly. ‘And this must be Vivienne.’ She took Vivi’s hand the way her mother had, between two similar mittens. ‘I’ve been longing to meet you,’ she declared with an engaging smile. ‘Congratulations on your wedding. We’re very happy for Josh that he’s met someone special.’
Slightly thrown by the effusiveness, Vivi murmured a thank you as Fiona said, ‘Aren’t we, Mum? I said we’re very happy for Josh …’
‘Yes, oh yes,’ Jemmie agreed.
‘You must bring her to the manor for drinks,’ Fiona told him. ‘The rest of the clan are going to be away skiing or doing other things for Christmas, but we’ll be there, and we’d love to see you.’
‘Bring Shelley,’ Jemmie added. ‘We don’t see enough of her these days. We miss her, don’t we, Humph?’
Apparently aware he’d been spoken to, the old man grunted and shuffled his feet, but he still didn’t seem to know where he was.
Vivi’s feelings were so tangled and conflicted as she looked at them, pitying their frailty, and yet unable to forget all that had gone before. It was left to Josh to say, ‘We’ll give you a ring,’ and after wishing them a merry Christmas he led Vivi on through the throng.
‘Are you OK?’ he asked, linking her arm through his.
Was she? She guessed so, but it had felt unsettling to meet her aunt and grandparents for the first time like that, especially when they had no idea who she was. ‘I think,’ she said, ‘if things were different, I could probably get to like Fiona, but I wouldn’t do it to my mother. As for her parents, I don’t think they’d understand who I am even if we told them.’
Agreeing, he said, ‘We can always be polite, but keeping a distance is the way my mother’s decided to handle things.’
Understanding why Shelley had never taken Jemmie to task over the lie – Jemmie was too emotionally fragile to handle it after all these years, and whatever anyone said or did now, it was never going to bring Jack back – Vivi sighed softly, and rested her face against the waxy sleeve of Josh’s jacket. In a way she understood the instinct that had made Jemmie want to protect her son. It would be natural for any mother to feel that way. However, the fact that it might have been from a charge of murder, or at least manslaughter, was never going to sit comfortably with anyone, least of all Shelley.
As they left the market stalls and crossed the stone bridge over the frozen ditch the farmhouse came into view, and Vivi broke into a laugh. It looked like an overdone Christmas card with its abundant festoons of coloured lights, windowpanes covered in spray snow and enormous holly and mistletoe wreath on the door. Six reindeers hauling a sleigh were on the roof and a jolly Santa was giving them a wave, as if he were about to dive down the chimney.
Josh groaned as Vivi laughed again. None of the barns or pens or sties had escaped the enthusiastic decor; even some of the animals were wearing tinsel collars and fake fur
ry antlers.
‘How many children live here?’ she asked, making it a reminder that this was what his nephews and nieces would have demanded.
Conceding, he said, ‘Six if you don’t include the residents, and I’m sure they had a hand in it all.’
Her eyes were alive with merriment as she looked up at him. ‘And you didn’t?’ she asked.
It was his turn to laugh, caught out, although he hadn’t known it was going turn into something so … spectacular.
Unsurprised to see Gil’s car parked next to Sam’s, and several others that they recognized too, they wound their way through the haphazard vehicles towards the front door. It was Christmas Eve and tomorrow would be all about the children, which was why they had announced that they would break their news tonight.
The kitchen was full of family scoffing mince pies and downing mulled wine while the little ones updated lists for Santa, or were helped to hang more stockings from the mantelpiece. It was such a magical scene to walk into that Vivi had to pinch herself to make sure it was really happening. She loved her mother, had adored NanaBella and Grandpa, but they’d never had anything like this.
Gina was the first to spot them, and came quickly to embrace them, her face flushed as much from the wine, Vivi suspected, as from the happiness that glowed in her eyes. Gil was close behind, bringing succulent sausages on sticks and cubes of cheese, but before Vivi and Josh could accept or decline Hanna was banging the table to announce their arrival.
‘Merry Christmas, you two,’ she cried, raising her glass high.
‘Merry Christmas,’ everyone echoed.
As they were drawn into the group no one urged them to get on with their news, and Vivi understood it was because they were afraid it wasn’t going to be good. Every day was lived on a knife-edge, it seemed, but somehow the two of them were getting through it – in many ways it seemed to be bringing them closer together.
She squeezed Josh’s hand and knew he was thinking the same as her right now – with so many people willing her to get through her pregnancy, and with so much love on their side, how could they fail?
Josh tapped a spoon to a glass to gather everyone’s attention, and once all eyes were on him, he slipped an arm around Vivi.
‘First of all,’ he began, ‘we both want to thank you all for registering as organ donors – and for getting the residents to do the same. You know how much the cause means to us, and Vivi is keen to spend what time she can helping Jim Lynskey’s Save9Lives campaign.’
‘We’re going to be right behind you on that,’ Hanna piped up, as everyone cheered. ‘We’ve got all sorts of things planned for publicity and …’
‘Let him continue,’ Zoe interrupted.
‘I’m just saying,’ Hanna protested.
‘Vivi knows we’re all on board …’
‘So what’s wrong with pointing it …’
Josh said, ‘Will you two either shut up, or take it outside.’
Even they laughed, though Hanna couldn’t stop herself reminding him that he was the youngest, whatever difference that made, but she seemed to enjoy saying it.
‘I really appreciate everything you’ve already done,’ Vivi told them earnestly, ‘not only for the campaign, but for me personally. If we didn’t know the value of family before – we did,’ she looked meaningfully at her mother – ‘we’ve really come to know it over these last few months. I honestly believe I wouldn’t have got this far without you – in truth, I might not have got here at all.’ She glanced up at Josh, her eyes shining as her mouth trembled with emotion. ‘There have been times when I’ve felt as though your heart was beating for both of us,’ she said to him quietly, ‘and I’ve no doubt that it’s strong enough to do the same for the three of us.’
As the silence took on a new quality, one of hope and joyful expectation, she said to the room at large, ‘We were told yesterday that the baby’s doing fine, and that …’ She swallowed hard and felt Josh tighten the hold on her hand. ‘We were also told that … it’s … a boy.’ As her voice faltered on the last words, applause and delight broke out, and after waiting for it to die down her eyes found Shelley’s. ‘We’re going to call him Jack,’ she said softly, as if only she and Shelley were in the room.
Shelley’s hands flew to her cheeks, and as she started to flood with tears Vivi and Josh went to fold her into their arms. Gina came too, joining in the embrace and the joy. They’d told her and Gil their news last night, not wanting them to get lost in what they’d known would be an overwhelming response from Josh’s family today.
Finally, linking both their arms, Shelley turned them to the family portrait, where Jack seemed to be watching them with an overflow of paternal joy. ‘I know how proud he’d be of you, Josh,’ she said thickly, ‘and I know that you’re going to be just as proud of your son.’
Josh pressed a kiss to her head and then he was laughing along with everyone else, as she said, ‘And I expect, when he’s four, you’ll take him down to the river and he’ll do his very best to keep you safe from the hippo.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Jack Gilmore Raynor arrived in the world via C-section three weeks before his due date, and one year to the day after Vivi’s heart had changed the direction of her life. Or, put another way, on her twenty-eighth birthday. Though he was taken straight to neonatal care, his lusty cries, even at a few minutes old, gave everyone confidence that he was going to pull through.
‘He’s a fighter,’ the midwife informed Josh and Vivi when she came back from settling him with the specialist care team, ‘and I’ve seen enough early birds to know.’
Vivi was a fighter too, but the birth had taken its toll. Hours after Jack’s arrival she was transferred to the cardiac ward where she remained for over a month, too weak to go home, sometimes even to stay awake for long when Josh brought the baby. However, seeing them and registering how well Jack was doing always gave her a boost, could even get her sitting up and holding him for a while. It was the best feeling in the world, her tiny son’s healthy body pressed against hers, his navy eyes blinking wide and curious, his comical shock of jet-black hair and creamy cheeks making him nothing less than perfect. He was just like his father at that age, Shelley proudly told her, alert, inquisitive, loud, and always hungry. Vivi loved to hear he was like Josh, it was what she’d hoped for, and all early tests on his heart showed it to be as strong as every other part of him.
The increase and change in her medication rendered her unable to breastfeed, but Josh brought bottles of formula with him so she could play a part in satisfying the bottomless appetite of their precious son. If she didn’t feel strong enough she’d lie quietly and watch the two of them, Josh’s hands seeming so large as he held the baby’s tiny body, with Jack’s strengthening limbs kicking and waving as he sucked hard on the teat his father was offering. They were her special men, the best and most powerful reason for her to get well.
Finally, as the new medication began to work, her energy levels started to rise. She spent longer periods awake, was even able to get out of bed and walk slowly along the corridor, wheeling her small trolley of medical equipment ahead of her. She visited the coffee shop or the garden if the weather was fine, aware of the pressure on her lungs as her heart struggled to pump blood through her veins. Eventually her breathing became easier, and her limbs stronger, until a month after the birth it was decided that she could go back onto the transplant list. There was no talk at that time of implanting a VAD, but she knew it was coming, unless, please God, they found a new heart for her first.
In the end, thanks to all the expert medical care combined with a new mother’s determination to be at home with her husband and son, she was prepared for discharge. There were so many rules she had to follow, cautions and advice to be noted, but it was clear that everyone’s goal was for her to lead as normal a life as she could with her family.
On the day Josh came to collect her from the hospital Jack Junior was already weighing in at almost four kilo
s, and though Vivi couldn’t lift him herself, when Josh put him into her lap in the back of the car she felt such an overwhelming rush of emotion that she sobbed with joy, and fear – please God let me always be here for him. She just about melted when he looked up at her with his stern, navy eyes, tiny eyebrows arching before he grabbed a foot and let out a gurgle of what sounded to her like elation. He had both his mummy and daddy now, so what more could he want?
Another bottle, of course.
They’d moved over to Deerwood two months before the birth, settling into the east wing of the farmhouse as soon as its conversion into an independent dwelling was complete, so Vivi knew they would never be short of help when it was needed. It was the reason they’d agreed to Shelley’s invitation to make the farm their home, knowing how vital the backup would be while the baby was young and she was still recovering. They quickly discovered that there would be more than enough doting carers, for they were so inundated by visitors over the first few days she was home that Josh kept threatening to charge. He also kept the visits short and banned them altogether the instant Vivi started to look overwhelmed.
Another new development at Deerwood during the early part of the year had been Gina’s pop-up salon, where she or Jade trained the residents interested in the art of hairdressing. Together Gina and Shelley came up with the idea of staging a Deerwood Come Dancing contest, with Vivi as head judge. By the time Vivi returned home rehearsals for the show were already under way, with a handful of teachers coming from all over to provide their services for the fun of it.
Vivi soon found, to her relief, that being at home was absolutely what she’d needed, for it was proving more energizing than exhausting. She could feel it most of all on the days she woke to find herself able to get out of bed without Josh’s help, and even to shower on her own. There was always something going on around her, successes to celebrate, dramas to diffuse, animals to tend, children to enjoy, competitions to judge … Though she might not always have been up to the many demands, she did her best, but it often led to squabbles with Josh about her overdoing things. Of course she appreciated his protectiveness, and understood it, but she saw no reason not to liaise with Deerwood’s lawyers when the need arose. After all, she was a lawyer herself, and sometimes it was useful for Hanna to have someone to explain things in plainer English, and to help her decide on what action might need to be taken, if any.